How do I stop being late?

[DrWhy]

I seems to be constantly chasing my tail and running from one thing to another getting progressively later for each one despite being on maternity leave and actually having very little of any importance to do.
There is yet another thread running in AIBU about late people and the consensus is that they are rude, lazy and care more about their time than your own. I know it’s rude, I hate letting people down but it’s caused by trying to do too much usually rather than laziness. I seem to also have a complete blind spot when it comes to accurately estimating how long it will take to do anything. For full disclosure, I have a job when I’m not on mat leave, it has flexible hours and I travel to work with DH in the mornings, he is usually in the car with the engine running when I leave the house, I am typically one of the last to arrive at meetings, not unusual to be a couple of minutes late - it’s never been mentioned at an appraisal but I’m sure it’s noticed. I’ve missed one plane and a couple of trains - I know leave myself a huge margin for things like this but still frequently end up ‘late’ compared to the time my plan expected me to be there. So it’s not just irritating to other people it impacts my own life.
A typical example, one day a week I have DS 2.5 home in the morning and take him and DD (5 months) to playgroup, then I drop him at nursery for lunch and take DD to swimming. This week was school holidays so no playgroup and no swimming lesson - should have been really chillled. However, I agreed to meet a friend for swimming with our babies instead. Thought meeting for lunch beforehand would be fine as DS was eating at nursery so agreed 12.30 in sports centre centre cafe, plenty of time before a nursery meeting at 4pm. Some playgroup friends were meeting at a farm park at 10.30-11ish so I said we’d go earlier, see them briefly than I’d get DS to nursery. What actually happened was that despite being up at 7 with DS, when DH left at 7.45 we had showered but I was getting dressed and DS was refusing to get dressed. It then took me until 10.30 to get me dressed, DS dressed, DD changed, fed and dressed, everybody breakfasted, the changing bag topped up, DS to sit on the potty, everything including the children into the car. So we arrived at the farm park at 10.45 - around 30 mins before we needed to leave. I stressed about feeling guilty at dragging DS away so quickly so called nursery to see if they could keep his lunch if he was half an hour later, which they said was fine and called my friend to see if she was happy to eat with her baby and I’d join them once they’d finished, also fine. So I reset my leaving time by half an hour. 10 minutes before we needed to leave I started trying to get moving - I can’t really pick up DS with DD in the sling so lots of persuading, cajoling etc we finally get moving, have the compulsory before we get in the car loo stop with lots of protesting. Get to the car, get DD in car seat, DS says he needs a wee, DD back in sling, back to the loos, DS has his wee, back in the car, now 10 minutes late for the rearranged late time. Drop DS in nursery, feel massively guilty that he’s now having lunch on his own. Arrive at pool, feel massively guilty that friend is hanging about waiting having finished her lunch. Go swimming, friend leaves early as her baby is not enjoying it. Sit in pool cafe and feed baby, think, I’ve got an an hour to kill before DS nursery meeting, I’ll pop into Asda nearby and get some stuff we need. Walk to car, get DD into car, drive a few mins to supermarket, get DD out of car, dither over shopping, try to find stuff in unfamiliar supermarket, realise I need to leave in 10 minutes to be on time for nursery meeting, try to find that one last item, join checkout queue and realise I should be leaving in 2 mins, get everything to car, get DD in, DH calls to check where I am as he’s at the nursery gate, I break down in tears as I’m letting people down by being late yet again. All totally avoidable.
I try to fit too much in, am unrealistic about how long things take, am bad at leaving one thing to get on to the next, get caught chatting to people and don’t know how to get away. I also struggle to get the children organised and moving although I can’t entirely blame them as I was very similar before.
How do people manage to be on time? What practical strategies do you use? I’ve tried building in contingency but I somehow know it’s not a ‘real’ deadline so I’ve usually used it by the time I leave the house. Google maps helps for planning journey times but how do you plan how long it will take to do something? How do you leave a job you haven’t finished or walk away from a conversation?
Help please, I know I need to sort this out, I just somehow can’t make it happen.

Not a consensus. I don't think late people are rude, lazy, etc (then again I may be one of them). I view the late-haters as moaners (I loathe moaning). I kept off that thread.

I am mostly on time.
*I get everything ready as soon as I can, night before if possible, I make a lot of lists to make sure I know what to do to get ready
*I don't stop moving if I'm not yet ready
*Routine helps. I flipping hate routine, but it does help
*Having routine definite places for everything helps; know where everything is & what your procedures are to get out the door; organise all this as early as possible

• I assume everything will take twice as long to get ready as it did last time, and allocate that amount of time to get it ready.

Eg: Getting out door when DC in primary: I finally resorted to allocating half an hour for putting on shoes & coats. Even though we seemed all ready at 8am, Something always came up to delay us further. After about 2 yrs we started getting to school 15 minutes early consistently, so I could relax the coat+shoes time slot back to only 15 minutes then more like 5-10.

Flip side: I'm truly crap at last minute under pressure work or jobs. Nowadays I admire lifelong procrastinators b/c they are so expert at producing something original & decent under pressure with zero notice and time, etc.

It’s hard to be in time when you have a baby or 2. You can be ready to get out of the door then oops!! They vomit 🤮 and need changing etc don’t be hard on yourself

I'm baffled by the farm park thing - what was your thinking there?
Even if everything went perfectly and you arrived at 10.30, you were planning to have 45 minutes max before you had to start leaving and some of your friends wouldn't have been there til 11!
Who benefits there?

Definitely doing too much, and I say that as someone who hates being stuck in the house with the DC!

One 'big' thing a day with the DC and you'll probably find life getting a little calmer. So farm OR swimming, not both.

As for always being generally late, could you work out how long things take in general? So actually time yourself getting ready for work, getting lunch ready and fed to the kids?

You've planned too much in. I would have said no to the farm park, focused on making swimming and the nursery meeting and gone for a walk rather than go to the supermarket.
Everything with children takes ages. Your constantly changing of plans to accommodate lateness makes it look like you're rude.
It's taken me years to realise I was doing this.

plan one thing a day

I wouldn’t have bothered taking the 2year old back to the toilets that must have been a mither and he could have wet himself en route, just let him pee behind a near by bush and leave baby in car. There will be plenty of occasions when there aren’t any toilets and he will have to do that anyway.

Don't beat yourself up. You've identified most of the problems yourself, you just need to act on trying to sort them.

A really silly tip, but maybe try it. Choose a day next week when you're going to be quite busy and there's the potential for lateness. For the whole of the day, act like someone who is always on time. Behave as if you're the kind of person who is ace at punctuality.

The key is the reset your expectations of how long things take, in the opposite, ridiculously early (also not good). I always work backwards so if a journey takes say 30 mins typically and I need to be there for 10am, I add 5-10 mins, so think I must be in the car for 9.20 (remember it takes time to start car, park car, even lock house. For a really important meeting etc I would add 20 mins because you can always use the time to go to the toilet or grab a drink. Remember a start time is ready to go not arrival. For casual stuff eg "come round to ours at 6" I have to work hard not to be early!

You’re doing too much. One thing a day. (Like everyone else has said).

Also. Changing bag stays packed and in the car. Bring it in when you get home and refill and put back in the car that night (if you have to wait til your partner is home to get it repacked).

Also this:
called my friend to see if she was happy to eat with her baby and I’d join them once they’d finished, also fine
was really not fine.
When you called your friend shortly before you were supposed to meet (was she already on her way/there?) to say you'd decided to meet some other friends instead and stay longer with them, she would have been too polite/awkward to say actually that's really not OK. Put yourself in her shoes - you get yourself out of the house with the baby only to have the person you're supposed to be seeing call to say they've had a better offer so you'll have to just hang around for them!

One extra thing to consider: are you afraid of being early? I only ask because of the idea you had to pop to the supermarket between meet ups... why not go straight to your next destination where you had arranged to meet your friend? No harm being a few minutes early as it would have been.

Also. Online shopping or, if you’re a Lidl/Aldi person go one evening / sat am when your partner is there.

You also admit you dither. That’s not ok.

And yes he to what someone else just said. Ringing your friend to say you were just going t9 be late so could she hang around, at short notice, after she’s likely to have left, is really not ok because it fucks up her day and would piss me off, if I was her.

If you have an hour spare and need to do shopping; sit down and do an online shop and have a cup of tea/coffee.

You are doing far too much.

I feel sorry for swimming friend. Bet she had a shit time, looking forward to some adult chat/lunch with you then ending up eating alone with her baby (joy). I’d have been totally peed off.

So yes, you sound chaotic but only through you’re own doing of cramming too much in, especially with small children in tow who always chuck last minute spanner’s in the works.

Arrange less, and give yourself more contingency time.

One of the things that stood out for me - and I'm not a parent, so have only got babysitting experience to go on - was that you only allowed 10 minutes to get your DS from the farm, say goodbye to your friends, go to the loo, put both children in the car and be wheels rolling on time... that's madness and planning to fail. If I were you I'd break each activity into chunks of time, or even start timing yourself so you know how long, e.g. going to the loo with 2 children, takes. Then add all those activities together so you know how long it realistically will be. In your shoes I'd have left 20 minutes at least for all that, maybe 30 if I knew I was going to have to reason with a toddler rather than grab and go.

Something else I do is constantly reassess whether I can 'bin' activities. So again in your shoes I would not have continued looking for something in ASDA, I'd have left without that item because being late for DS and feeling stressed is worse than not having bananas or whatever.

But I don't get the sense from your posts that you really want to change - if you did you'd have found a way to change already. And yes, as someone who is on time I do get annoyed with people who are always late. It's rude.

I’m the opposite to you and have virtually never been late for anything in my life. That includes some commutes across city centres.

I’m good at estimating how long things take and I do not get distracted.

I have a plan and stick to it, very occasionally plans don’t work out. But people like my MIL who is the shittest time keeper I have ever met will get distracted by something non essential. She will always think ooh I have five minutes so decides to fit in some non essential chore.

Having small dc means it is harder as their behaviour is an unknown factor chucked in to the equation. Someone suddenly needing a set of clothes changed is essential but you can control a little how much of a chore it all is. When my dc were small I had a spare set of clothes and all wipes, nappies etc in a bag always done ready to take out. I had a wicker basket with the same for in the house so when young fella decided to make a mess I could just grab the basket and get him sorted.

I always factor leeway in to any kind of journey. If a journey should take 30 mins by car I will leave 45 mins before because I have no idea what will happen on the road. Traffic is beyond my control.

Look at the word count of your post, you could explain your situation in probably half that amount of words.

I look on efficiency in everything as the reason I have always enjoyed leisure time. Because just working and chores is miserable.

You already know your problems, you are trying to fit too much in and not allowing a realistic amount of time to do them. Stop doing that and you will start to be on time. In your given example you should never have arranged the farm park meet. That was too close to the swimming meet.

You also need to prioritise, a meeting at your child nursery is important so why sit around in the cafe? Get sorted and get to nursery even if it means sitting in the car with time to spare.

I am almost always early for everything as I over estimate how long things with take. If I arrive exactly on time for something I feel I am late and that makes me stressed.

My mum is a late person (which is think is why I hate being late as I hated being made to he late by her as children and also I know how it feels to be waiting for her). As adults we tell her a time 30 mins earlier to meet/leave for anything important so we stand a chance of getting somewhere.

If I was your friend who you were meeting for lunch and swimming I’d be really hurt that you were late and expected me to eat on my own because you’d decided to go somewhere else before hand. I think you need to start turning down more invites once you have made plans with someone. It seems like you are trying to fit far too much in.
Generally, I always over estimate traveling time in case of traffic and allow for time to get to/from my car.
Also, think realistically about the amount of time needed to do something properly, rather than guessing at how quickly it could be done. Yes you can pop to a farm park to see people for 30-45 minutes, but you are going to be so rushed it isn’t going to be quality time.

You tried to fit in far too much. Scale it back, right back, and learn to be on time for the first appointments that you arranged. And then your day is booked, NO fitting in anything else. Nada. Nothing. Show some respect for other people.

I have a friend who does this, and I honestly find it infuriating.

What it feels like to me is that everything that comes before is more important than our arrangement, and I can just wait.

Two things - plan less for your day, allow time to just chill etc and don’t take nearly three hours for breakfast and dressing. You May think it’s impossible but as soon as your mat leave is over you will be managing it daily.

Having read the other replies, I agree with what some other people said about prioritisation being key. My husband drives me up the wall because if he has an hour to do something that he thinks will take 45 minutes, he’ll often do something else (less urgent) first. But that means if either activity takes longer than expected he ends up late. Try just doing the most important things first.

Drwho you could be my best friend . She is always late (3 kids) and I’m always early (2 kids)

I do really think it’s down to personality.

The minute I get out of bed my mind is in the tasks of the day, so I’m focused and driven by it. The kids follow suit as they really don’t have a choice. I always over estimate who long things with take so I don’t get cause out. I limit what I can fit in my day. I even walk fast. I got likened to ‘a smack head on a mission’ the other day

My best friend (known her for thirty years) is a lot softer than me. She lets herself be caught up in shit she doesn’t need to be doing, like letting the kids have one more game on the computer, entering a debate about one of them not getting dressed, leaving things till the last minute eg, collecting a Picnick from the shops - on the way to the picknic. She is also late for work because she is left to do 100% of the child care and school drop offs at three different schools even though her Dh could help more

It doesn’t bother me when she is late because I love her and am used to it but it pisses other people off in the group.

Say no to things.

What would happen if you didn't fillyyourlifesofullthereisnevertimetothinkorstopandstakestock?

You're expecting to fit in too much, that's the issue. It's enough to get a small child and baby out of house for 1 activity per day, let alone all the ones in your post.

Farm Park idea was never going to work as there wasn't enough time. As a result you left your friend eating alone with her baby, when she'd probably been looking forward to some adult chat. I think you should apologise to her and reschedule, make sure you give her your full time and attention when you do meet her.

Potty training a small child is unpredictable and no one will blame you for having to fit in toilet trips, that's just one of those things and it's not forever. But make life easier for yourself by only booking one activity and that way you can have more time to deal with any unexpected pitstops.

Shop online. I very rarely go to a supermarket because its a nightmare with a small child and worse if you're tight on time. We book ours to arrive early morning at weekend then it's done and we can just enjoy our day.

I hope things get better when you try to cram less in.

Sorry to repeat but DO LESS.

I find it quite rude when friends book me into a small slot in their diary, between 5 Other things. Makes everything feel like a chore. I'd rather see friends less often, but in a more relaxed way.

Scale back expectations and schedules, and don't expect to be able to do everything, and be careful that by trying to juggle to keep everyone happy, you are in fact not making anyone happy - including yourself!