How can I help my DS fit in at school?

[GirlRaisedInTheSouth]

DS is 13 but has the maturity of a much younger child. He was diagnosed with Aspergers and ADHD and is on Ritalin which helps immensely.

The problem we are currently facing is this: every lesson at school, he strolls in about 10 mins late, with no books or stationery, usually in the wrong uniform (eg still in gym kit after sport) and sits there eating snacks. He knows all these things are wrong.

This flakiness is making him a target: the other boys call him ‘autistic’ and ‘vegetable’ and make odd sounds at him and throw things at him.

Naturally this is very distressing for DS and the school do punish the other boys, but they are convinced that it’s DS who is bringing it on himself by standing out with his behaviour. His locker is a mess, he never bothers to lock it and his belongings are strewn across the locker room. He is doing OK academically but has no friends.

How can we help him to fit in and be like the other boys, at least in terms of following the school rules, being on time, etc? Any advice would be gratefully received. Thanks.

He clearly needs some sort of 1 to 1 from a staff member at the school - just for a short while and just to get him into good habits. Guiding him and standing over him. Making sure he has no snacks on him or knows he cannot get them out. Ensuring he's in uniform after PE. Is this something they'd accommodate? Nip it in the bud before it all escalates and becomes a long term problem. It'd probably be in their long term interests.

So id speak to the school and ask if they'll do something like this. What other alternative is there at the moment? He clearly needs an intervention

He clearly needs some sort of 1 to 1 from a staff member at the school - just for a short while and just to get him into good habits.

This is a good idea. I wonder how long we’d need that for?

Well that's hard to say. Does he want to get on top of all of this?

I have a 12 year old and he has no SEN but he requires a lot of help and organising. He's doing brilliantly at school but I make sure it's all very easy for him at home. Some examples..

I have a jam packed stationery drawer. He likes making sure he has all his equipment for school so he enjoys selecting bits from this every month for his pencil cases

Homework. I help organise him with this and he now sets a reminder on his Alexa

Books for school the next day. We keep all books plus a copy of his timetable in a specific place. We pack his bag the night before and after school, he unpacks and puts any books back, ready to check and select later

Try visual prompts for him. A notebook ? Write in it each day . So, if he has PE write ' is your uniform back on?' and supply a special pen for him to tick.

Stop providing snacks if you can

Does he have a mobile? Can you text him at break and lunch maybe?

Can you cut down on stuff he needs in his locker? Streamline him a bit

Reward system? Would he respond to this?

Just a few ideas.

Oh and ask the school if they'd consider a buddy system for him. They should be wanting to help integrate him. Is there a club at break or lunch time? Somewhere he could go? With children who may also need that helping hand. He should not be left alone to flounder when he clearly has additional needs

Thanks. Some good ideas here.

Does he have an ehcp? This would probably need to be the first step in getting him the additional support he needs.

He doesn’t see it as a problem. It’s always somebody else’s fault, or all the other boys are the same, or some bullshit excuse for why he’s late/doesn’t have his books, etc.

Buddy is a good idea, I will speak to the school about that.

Him not seeing it as an issue or blaming others is probably part of the issues he has. I'd ignore all that and just stick to a consistent line about how nice it will be to get organised and not come to any teachers negative attention.

You may need to take over for a while to really cement in some small yet positive changes.

Could you elaborate please AlpacaPicnicc? Thank you.

I wouldn't send my son in to face that.

School is clearly useless, everything people have suggested should have already been highlighted by school.

I wouldn't send him back, he has no hope there. He needs a fresh start in a better school with firm plans to help him in place and nicer kids to be around.

You need to work with the school. Are you sure school allow him to return to class in PE kit and eat snacks in class - without any sanction/structure to stop it happening - cannot see that this would be the case.
Does he leave for school with the right books? Get to know his timetable so he has the right things each day. Is he buying snacks in the way to school or do you provide them?

@GirlRaisedInTheSouth elaborate on taking over a bit? Basically do more for him. I know it's very much against the MN ethos of kids being self sufficient at age 3 or whatever but some do require lots of help and your DS especially sounds like he needs you working alongside him at home right now. I'd be chatting with my son, discussing what we could both do to tweak things and trying to be positive and making sure he sees the value in doing things which will ultimately make life easier for him

You can't be there at school though and that's why you need to work hand in hand with them and they need to step up.

One tiny thing is this eating in class. How simple would it be to stop this? You'd think very wouldn't you?

One day last week, FOUR different teachers told him to change out of his PE kit. He ignored them all. As for snacks, they are part of his packed lunch that DH makes for him. DS would prefer to buy lunch at the school canteen (which would solve this problem at least) but DH wants to save money.

Really? - make a simple packed lunch without snacks or have a school lunch. Ask to meet with his form tutor and come up with a plan.

Is the school sanctioning him for poor punctuality/eating in class/not getting changed?
These are all things that would land you in detention/isolation where I work.

He’s been given loads of detentions, but he doesn’t turn up!

I think the other boys need to see him experience consequences for his negative learning behaviours. Does that happen or are they ignored, excused as part of additional needs? If it’s the latter the other kids will be responding to the unfairness.
What motivates your son? You need to use this to get him to organise himself.

What happens when he misses a detention?

He is treated the same as all the other boys. He is capable of behaving normally. People who know him outside of school have no idea about his diagnoses.

About the detention thing... they just give up in the end - what can they do?

Are you sure about that?
The worst kids at my place are pursued, parents involved if necessary, until sanctions are completed, and kids who run off from detentions/staff are excluded.
It has to be like that because you can't have well behaved children thinking they can get away with it too.

So I’ve told DH, no more snacks. It’s hard because DS doesn’t like sandwiches. Every day DH makes DS a sandwich and most days he brings it home and I feed it to the birds. He’s so skinny. At least having school lunch he was eating a meal and not eating snacks in class. But DH says it’s too expensive.

How much is it? In most high schools it's about £3 for a hot meal, snack and drink. Not bad really. Portions are big enough for growing big kids.
I'd overrule your DH on that.
Get school to call him at work every time DS is scoffing in class.

Get school to call him at work every time DS is scoffing in class.

Is the fact that your DS might be seen by the other boys as "getting away" with bad behaviour - ignoring teachers, not turning up to detentions with no real consequences - part of the problem? It must feel very unfair to them. Appreciate that your DS has SEN but the way you're describing it sounds like he's capable of doing these things and therefore should be on the hook if he doesn't. Apologies if I've misunderstood.