How can I help my DS fit in at school?

[GirlRaisedInTheSouth]

DS is 13 but has the maturity of a much younger child. He was diagnosed with Aspergers and ADHD and is on Ritalin which helps immensely.

The problem we are currently facing is this: every lesson at school, he strolls in about 10 mins late, with no books or stationery, usually in the wrong uniform (eg still in gym kit after sport) and sits there eating snacks. He knows all these things are wrong.

This flakiness is making him a target: the other boys call him ‘autistic’ and ‘vegetable’ and make odd sounds at him and throw things at him.

Naturally this is very distressing for DS and the school do punish the other boys, but they are convinced that it’s DS who is bringing it on himself by standing out with his behaviour. His locker is a mess, he never bothers to lock it and his belongings are strewn across the locker room. He is doing OK academically but has no friends.

How can we help him to fit in and be like the other boys, at least in terms of following the school rules, being on time, etc? Any advice would be gratefully received. Thanks.

You might have s point there newroundhere. That was something I had never considered.

You'd honestly not considered that?
You've been to school, right?
Fairness is currency in high schools.

I think the school could also be trying harder if your DS is getting away with not turning up to detentions. I would get him put on report. Every lesson the teacher must give him a tick or cross for punctuality, correct uniform, correct equipment, brings homework, no eating, notes homework etc. At the end of the day he has to report to form teacher of Head of Year of whatever and if report isn't satisfactory you are notified immediately and there is a consequence which is enforced and seen through. If the school can't do that they are a bit lax IMO. Is it a private school? Can't imagine kids in state getting detentions and then getting away with not turning up!

If he doesn't have an EHCP it sounds like he desperately needs one

So your DH makes a daily sandwich (to save money) which is never eaten.
Schools don't just give up with children in year 9 because then the problem just escalates - also he has a diagnosis which will enable you to ask for more support.

Report Csrd is a good idea.

The other problem is he often doesn’t go to the nurse for his Ritalin, so the poor school secretary has to wander round the school looking for him. Every time, he had some bullshit excuse for why he didn’t go to the nurse.

The school need to support him while he is there. You can’t do it. They have a duty of care to him. I would have thought you should be applying for an EHCP, but even without this you need to SENCO to be involved. My ADHD son also does not go to detentions. It became very difficult with the school, they are much more on board now they understand the variability of his behaviour.

So the nurse comes to meet him at the end of morning lessons if he can't be trusted to go to them - it shouldn't be the secretary's job. And going to the nurse on time could be one of the sections on his report card. To be honest OP it doesn't sound as if the school is very clued up.

The school nurse? - is this a state secondary school?

I would want him on a report with targets for each lesson, on time, correct uniform, appropriate equipment. Nearly all schools I've worked in have this kind of system as part of their repetoire to manage constant low-level issues. He needs to cooperate with developing these skills for his own long-term well-being in education and workplaces.

The school sounds useless in supporting him and following up on consequences. I had the misfortune to work in one like that early on in my career where the consequence system was rendered totally useless by management's apathy in supporting classroom staff. Because there was minimal consequence to failing co-operate with teachers' instructions and consequences, so many pupils just didn't and apathy and disruption were rife. SMT were shocked when OFSTED were critical about behaviour.
On my final day, I drove out of there with glee playing Alice Cooper

I was about to ask about the Ritalin when you said he sometimes doesn’t go for it.
I’d he on the right dose? When was it last reviewed? Are there patterns in poor behaviour? Is the Ritalin running out too soon?
Not sure if this would be allowed, but could he self medicate? Obviously only ever carry one dose but have the school get on board so there is trip to the nurse, just a blanket rule that who ever is teaching him at the end of period 4 supervises him taking meds and signs of in log?

I think he has seen there are no consequences for his actions so what of the purpose of following the rules ?
The school need to address this.
I would start him on school meals again too.

I highly doubt this is a state school we are talking about if there's a nurse, detentions aren't followed through and they haven't thought to put any report system in place. Sometimes private education is not geared up to meet the needs of kids who aren't easy to educate. They'll tell you they are, and reel you in with talk of small classes and celebrating individuals, but actually what they can offer isn't as good as what the state schools can provide.

Also, they are complaining about him eating in class but what are they actually doing about it? If they don't send him out then the message he gets is that they are essentially tolerating it. Does the school have internal isolation/exclusion for repeat offenders?

So can I ask about Report Cards? Is it a carrot or stick system usually?

A PP asked about the Ritalin. He has recently changed to a normal one at home at 6am, then a slow-acting one at 8.15 am at school.

It's both. I'm a teacher and we are asked to be as positive as possible on the report if the student has complied with the requirements. We rate them out of 4 for behaviour within the lesson too so if a student gets eg all 1s (top score) for good behaviour they get loads of praise - it's not just a punishment. But I'm really surprised your DS' school isn't doing this. I would suggest it if I were you a nd make clear you want all sanctions to be properly enforced (or ramped up if he misses them) and you want to be notified every time.

Biscuitsneeded, they have tried loads of stuff in the past, but he just doesn’t engage and doesn’t seem to give a shit. He’s the same at home. Punishment doesn’t seem to work. It’s so hard .

Have you ever come across a child like this, Biscuitsneeded?

Is it a private school?

If he is autistic, does he have a particular interest that rewards could be tied to? E.g. screen time is reliant on him not getting a detention at school?

It’s unclear if the problem is that he just doesn’t give a shit about stuff, or if he also is unable to organise himself (common with ADHD and ASD) in which case he needs help with systems.

PE kit - are there sensory issues which mean he is more comfortable in his PE kit?

He’s not autistic as such, the doctor said he has some Aspergers traits. He likes buying clothes.

About the PE kit, I think he’s just lazy. And there’s also an element of wanting to show off his new trainers (he admitted to that).

I think we need to send him with sensible trainers rather than cool ones (they were for his birthday).

I also think a lot of his behaviour is him showing off in order to appear cool. It’s not working. The other kids find him irritating.

What does the SENCO say?
Is it a state school?

I also think a lot of his behaviour is him showing off in order to appear cool. It’s not working. The other kids find him irritating.
We see this often! Have you tried explaining this to him? Most kids want to just fit in, but some who don't will push it even further the other way to trying to impress others, unfortunately it has the opposite effect.

That’s what’s happening ASauvignonADay. Any idea how we can deal with this?

Is it a private school?