How can I help my DS fit in at school?

[GirlRaisedInTheSouth]

DS is 13 but has the maturity of a much younger child. He was diagnosed with Aspergers and ADHD and is on Ritalin which helps immensely.

The problem we are currently facing is this: every lesson at school, he strolls in about 10 mins late, with no books or stationery, usually in the wrong uniform (eg still in gym kit after sport) and sits there eating snacks. He knows all these things are wrong.

This flakiness is making him a target: the other boys call him ‘autistic’ and ‘vegetable’ and make odd sounds at him and throw things at him.

Naturally this is very distressing for DS and the school do punish the other boys, but they are convinced that it’s DS who is bringing it on himself by standing out with his behaviour. His locker is a mess, he never bothers to lock it and his belongings are strewn across the locker room. He is doing OK academically but has no friends.

How can we help him to fit in and be like the other boys, at least in terms of following the school rules, being on time, etc? Any advice would be gratefully received. Thanks.

I don’t think the op wants to say whether it’s a private school but it sounds like that is pretty relevant to how it’s being handled.

I have a DS with ADHD and dyspraxia and I worry a lot about how he’ll cope when he goes up to secondary ... our (state) school have reassured me, but this thread is making me wonder.

The lunch thing is silly though. No point “saving” money by packing sandwiches that get wasted.

If you haven’t already, I would suggest researching Executive Functioning Disorder and Working Memory to help you understand why he behaves in this way and why he can’t help it. You can then find strategies that may help him. These strategies can also be put in place in school.
Both EFD and working memory issues come with both ASD and ADHD and cause problems like you’ve described.

Thanks borninastorm, I will. Honestly, he’s a nightmare. He’s in the back seat of the car now and I’ve had to pull over to scream at him. He’s been poking his sister who’s sitting next to him, she’s screaming and he’s denying he’s done anything.

We have this exact scenario Every. Fucking. Day.

Sorry to swear. I am not coping.

Not really understanding why you have acknowledged some posters but not many others with good advice and experience. Anyhow, best of luck. Maybe look at changing schools.

Is it a private school, op? You’ve evaded the question a couple of times now.

1. State schools don’t have school nurses
2. Who the hell can afford school fees but not school dinners?

Actually, I’ve taken note of all the advice given and I’m very grateful for it.

That last update . You’ve actually pulled over to type this from your car??

Yep something fishy here

You don’t sound very sympathetic to your sons issues - the same “bullshit” etc etc...

This thread seems to be taking rather an aggressive turn.

It's not aggressive so much as confused.
You ask for advice but won't answer repeat basic questions, or private or public?
They have different ways of dealing with things.

It’s hard to draw comparables, since we’re not in the UK.

I feel for you OP and I think your frustration is entirely justified. I didn't know you weren't in the UK - that might explain why the school doesn't seem to have systems that seem obvious to those of us within the UK state system.
I think it's a good idea to go into school and say, look, this isn't working and here's what ideally needs to happen. It may be that it's a small school and they just haven't experienced a child like your DS before. But if they can't or won't put in place the sorts of measures he obviously needs then maybe it's not the right school for him. Are you British but expat? Are there alternatives locally? I have taught DC like your son and I know how difficult it is for parents to keep on hearing whinges from teachers when they are trying their absolute best - but I have also seen how firmer, clearer and consistent discipline and boundaries help those DC realise they CAN control their behaviour if push really comes to shove, and it doesn't sound as if the school is succeeding in getting that message across to your DS.

Thanks Biscuitsneeded. That’s good advice.