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Original poster

Would you tell someone they are dying?

59 replies

Witchtower · 08/04/2019 10:13

I’m very torn at the moment.
The decision has been made not to tell a family member they are dying.
This was all very rapid. Was admitted to hospital for something unrelated and doctors have discovered that my family is riddled with cancer, I mean riddled. To the point where they have weeks left.

I’m not sure this person could handle the news, they are elderly. But on the other hand wouldn’t you want to say your goodbyes. I genuinely don’t know.

What concerns me the most is that this person pretends not to follow conversation (English as additional language) but she plays dumb a lot just to make sure everyone is happy. So I’m really worried that she knows but is keeping quiet. But at the same time she may not have a clue.

I’m so confused!! WWYD!

OP posts:

Original poster

Witchtower · 08/04/2019 10:17

Also telling her will bring about the realisation that she will never be able to go home as she lives in another country.

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steppemum · 08/04/2019 10:22

I would always, always tell. The number of circumstances I wouldn't tell is extrememy small.

But there are ways and means and also a lot about timings. So, a gradual conversation over a couple of weeks about how ill they are will probably mean they fairly quickly come to that conclusion themselves.

And, as the end gets closer, I would be saying the things that need to be said, things like you are an amazing Granny, and I'm so glad my kids have you as a Granny, or whatever.

You also have th eopportunty to arrange skype conversations with family in her hime country.

I have seen one or two situations where the person didn't know and it was incredibly hard on the the people left behind.

TwitterQueen1 · 08/04/2019 10:23

I wouldn't 'do' anything. Take your lead from her. If she asks questions, answer them. If she doesn't ask, don't tell her. She may know or have a good idea and just not want to discuss it. You can't just come out and say it.

MindyStClaire · 08/04/2019 10:31

Unless you are the closest relative, I don't think it's your decision. So, for example, if it's your mother's mother I don't think it's your place to do any more than gently suggest to your mother that you think she should be informed. And if you think your (for example) grandmother knows but isn't saying, then I think you should respect her decision in that case.

Show her you care, visit, take gifts that she will enjoy and make her comfortable. Don't overshadow her final weeks with a family row.

Original poster

Witchtower · 08/04/2019 10:32

I’m not sure how much time she has left but the oncologist has said a few weeks but that was 3 weeks ago. She is now bedridden but family is blaming it all on an unrelated illness. Essentially they are telling her she is ill but not dying.

She’s had family come over from her home country and family here. Everyone is visiting. Even that in itself must raise questions for her.

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Original poster

Witchtower · 08/04/2019 10:34

@MindyStClaire that’s exactly what I’m doing. To be honest I’m torn, both sides are valid. That’s why I’m so confused. Not sure it’s the right thing, but equally unsure that telling her is the right thing.

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MindyStClaire · 08/04/2019 10:35

She’s had family come over from her home country and family here. Everyone is visiting. Even that in itself must raise questions for her.

Sounds to me like she knows and has chosen not to have the conversation. Accept and respect her decision.

Original poster

Witchtower · 08/04/2019 10:37

@MindyStClaire you prob missed my last post.

The way she is speaking sounds like she has no idea but I can’t be certain of that. Questions about the future, plans she is making.

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stucknoue · 08/04/2019 10:37

We never discussed it with my grandmother but she knew, she wanted to believe they were curing her so the drs allowed her hope but we found sealed envelopes with goodbye letters after she died which she wrote before being admitted to hospital (we were only told it was terminal in the hospital)

SnuggyBuggy · 08/04/2019 10:38

There isn't an obvious right and wrong here. Sometimes even when a person is told they are dying in black and white terms they still go into denial anyway. Or they might know but want to act as if they don't when talking about it.

I think if they asked outright I'd be honest

Chocolateisfab · 08/04/2019 10:39

Ime if they really wanted to know they could ask a Dr. My dgm did and they aren't allowed to lie!!
My dd mid 20's has made me promise never to tell her if she is!
I would keep quiet, all the visitors will be what she wants, travelling is put of the question so pointless pointing that out.

Original poster

Witchtower · 08/04/2019 10:40

@stucknoue that is so sad. But also very sweet.
Doctors have stated that they will tell her if she asks as they are legally obliged to. They will respect the decision made unless they are directly asked by the person with the terminal illness.

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Original poster

Witchtower · 08/04/2019 10:44

@Chocolateisfab she is no longer at hospital. Having palliative care at home.
I don’t think her English is strong enough to communicate with the docs. If she did ask she probably wouldn’t understand the response. She pretends she understands by nodding her head but then you realise she hasn’t understood a word. But there are also times she pretends she doesn’t understand but has.

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Someoneonlyyouknow · 08/04/2019 10:45

It sounds as though she is getting the opportunity to say her goodbyes if family have been visiting. It may be that she doesn't want to talk about it because that make it real? If she wanted to she could raise the subject. Or do you think she has tried to and because family have avoided it (bedridden because of other illness) she thinks they can't handle it.

Original poster

Witchtower · 08/04/2019 10:47

@Someoneonlyyouknow and that is exactly what is worrying me. Does she want to know but is too worried to ask as it will distress people?

She is so family oriented and completely selfless. In fact I have never met anyone as selfless as her.

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Blueowls · 08/04/2019 11:02

Gosh, that is really difficult. The language barrier clouds the issue further because if she genuinely doesn't understand then the choice to know has been removed from her entirely.

I think if I was in your family's shoes I'd want to ask her if she had any questions about her illness- if she doesn't then I'd be happy to accept she is blissful in ignorance but I think she should at least have the opportunity to have any information she wants?

Sorry you are all going through this OP I don't think there is a 'right' answer here, very tricky indeed.

Original poster

Witchtower · 08/04/2019 11:17

@Blueowls I think your right, there is no right answer.

Btw she has some questions and the answers have been we need to wait for results. She hadn’t directly asked if she has cancer.

Also regarding the results. A biopsy has been done but oncologist has said regardless of doing a biopsy they can see on scans as it is everywhere. I think biopsy is just to show family member that something is happening. I guess false hope, but maybe that’s for the best.

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fizzandchips · 08/04/2019 11:23

Gosh, I’m so sorry OP. I feel very strongly I would want to say my Goodbyes. I appreciate I have no understanding of your situation, but if I thought for a moment I had been denied the opportunity to say goodbye I’d be devastated. One of the greatest improvements of modern medicine is the the gift awarded to many people to have the opportunity to say goodbye. Obviously I don’t know your relatives thoughts on this, and I appreciate no one wants to upset her, but if it was me I would want to know.

Original poster

Witchtower · 08/04/2019 11:32

@fizzandchips I’m desperate to my goodbyes but I think that would be selfish of me as I’m putting my needs first. I want what’s best for this person and i don’t know what the answer is. The only person who can give is that answer is my ill family member. But it’s not possible to ask.

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TwitterQueen1 · 08/04/2019 11:39

Fizz YOU want.... it's not about you or your needs or your wants, as Witch says, it's a very selfish thing to do.

A friend of a friend died last week, in her 50s. She knew she was dying but she didn't want to talk about it. It was HER choice.

NWQM · 08/04/2019 11:44

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

Can I ask though does she mental capacity? If she does then why are the doctors divulging medical info to anyone else?

If she doesn't then are in the position legally to decide for her?

Who is deciding her course of treatment? Deciding to 'do nothing' or 'just' palliative care is just a decision.

It's so so hard dealing with this for another adult. The shift from child to carer is really is difficult.

If she doesn't have mental capacity then please be reassured that therapeutic lying is often recommend. We couldn't possibly have kept explaining to my Mum here condition as her dementia meant that she would be devastated by that and also the 'news' that my Dad had died (2 years earlier). There was no benefit to Mum. She would obviously go through the early stages of grief over and over as if it was new. We ended up telling her she was 'doing well' and that Dad had popped out / gone to football. It made her last few weeks calmer.

We did make sure that she saw people, had holy communion etc. All the things we knew were important to her.

It was hard but I was persuaded that we had to be gentle with ourselves too. There was nothing to be served by more devastation for everyone.

I'm sure some people will argue about the right to know and I get that intellectually but I do think that we were given the best advise on balance at the time.

My Mum has a very peaceful end.

fizzandchips · 08/04/2019 11:45

@Witchtower you are being the least selfish person trying to navigate what is best for your relative as well as following the lead from other family members and I totally respect that and I’m so sorry you are going through this. Your question was “would you tell someone they are dying?” I Think I would, because I meant as the person dying I’d be devastated not to be given the opportunity to say goodbye. I can’t begin to imagine what your going through and I don’t envy you your position. I’m sorry if my post upset you, it wasn’t my intention, but an answer to your original question.

fizzandchips · 08/04/2019 11:50

@TwitterQueen1 I didn’t mean to offend and I’m sorry I didn’t make it clear that my response was from the perspective of the person dying, not their relative. I’d be devastated not to have the opportunity to either say goodbye-or not as your friend’s friend chose to do- but at least they had a choice. The OP’s relative isn’t being given that choice and that is why I answered the OP’s original question.

TwitterQueen1 · 08/04/2019 11:54

Oh don't mind me Fizz I get very irate sometimes! Sorry I shouted
I get touchy though because my Dsis is like this - "I wouldn't feel right if i didn't take you into the ward..." I should have said at the time that I didn't give a flying fuck whether she felt right or not! I felt a lot less 'right' than she did

Hundredacrewoods · 08/04/2019 11:56

Surely the doctors have a moral and legal obligation to formally tell her, regardless of whether or not she asks?

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