Would you tell someone they are dying?

[Witchtower]

I’m very torn at the moment.
The decision has been made not to tell a family member they are dying.
This was all very rapid. Was admitted to hospital for something unrelated and doctors have discovered that my family is riddled with cancer, I mean riddled. To the point where they have weeks left.

I’m not sure this person could handle the news, they are elderly. But on the other hand wouldn’t you want to say your goodbyes. I genuinely don’t know.

What concerns me the most is that this person pretends not to follow conversation (English as additional language) but she plays dumb a lot just to make sure everyone is happy. So I’m really worried that she knows but is keeping quiet. But at the same time she may not have a clue.

I’m so confused!! WWYD!

@PurpleDaisies sorry I meant in my case as of 12 months ago they don't tell the patient.

@NWQM if she talks about the future then people will entertain it, including myself so I guess that she is being led to believe that things will improve. If we ignored it then I think that would make her panic.

@bourbonbiccy makes sense

Totally dependent on the circumstances. The HCP’s may be better placed to advise. Good luck OP with your decision, wishing you and your relation all the best.

She has asked questions about the test results. That means she wants to know. You need to allow her the chance to say her goodbyes/get her affairs in order. Ask her outright if she has any questions. Then answer them honestly. If she do any want yo know she won't ask. This is how I have seen the best Drs handle this situation.

When my DM was dying, she chose to believe she'd had a reaction to a course of chemo (that was palliative, something she also didn't acknowledge). While we all knew she way dying, she carried on as if she'd shake this "reaction" off and be back to carry on treatment within a few days. There was literally no room to discuss anything else because that's how she dealt with it. It wasn't until after she died that it became clear that she'd only acknowledged her impending death with my dad. I found that quite hard really because I would have liked to have had some more open conversations with her. There is no telling what your relative believes. I am sure she knows she's dying but she just may choose not to acknowledge that fact to all. So difficult and I really feel for you, but I think I'd leave well alone under the circumstances

It's so hard for you @Witchtower.

I totally support therapeutic lies but it should be - in my opinion - very near the end of life and usually dementia related.

I think as a minimum I'd be asking the health care professionals - especially someone like McMillian Nursing - to check out that she has all the information she wants.

I assume you know she has made a will, understand her wishes re funeral arrangements etc and addressed any religious observations that she may have?

It's the hardest of times. When the time is right for you there are some lovely people over on the bereavement threads who will helped make the dark days slightly more bearable for many of us.

This is an awful position for you to be in and i’m also sad you’re all facing this. Really it was the responsibility of her medical team to inform her first in a gentle way and to gauge how much she understands or wants to know, and to gain explicit consent before discussing with family in her absence (using translators as needed). She may well know stuff but has told team that she doesn’t want to know more details and would prefer to carry as is, or told them not to worry her family and not to discuss etc. You shouldn’t be in a scenario where she knows nothing and you know lots.

@NWQM all sorted inc funeral.

@YetAnotherThing family caring are adamant they don’t want her to know.

Very tricky as both sides have a valid point.