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Original poster

Would you tell someone they are dying?

59 replies

Witchtower · 08/04/2019 10:13

I’m very torn at the moment.
The decision has been made not to tell a family member they are dying.
This was all very rapid. Was admitted to hospital for something unrelated and doctors have discovered that my family is riddled with cancer, I mean riddled. To the point where they have weeks left.

I’m not sure this person could handle the news, they are elderly. But on the other hand wouldn’t you want to say your goodbyes. I genuinely don’t know.

What concerns me the most is that this person pretends not to follow conversation (English as additional language) but she plays dumb a lot just to make sure everyone is happy. So I’m really worried that she knows but is keeping quiet. But at the same time she may not have a clue.

I’m so confused!! WWYD!

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 08/04/2019 12:04

I would hate to know I was dying! I would far rather die while I was planning for the future. And yes, there are obvious hints if people are coming to visit but I wouldn't want anyone to say goodbye or to learn visitors were there because they'd never have another chance to see me.

roundligament · 08/04/2019 12:08

Someone who lived in my town he had cancer and was a teenager
When he was dying his parents told him he was getting better so that he wasn't frightened
And I think that's one of the most amazing cases of parenting I've ever heard of

campion · 08/04/2019 12:11

My BiL was dying but didn't know it as he'd been ill, in and out of hospital for a couple of years (wasn't cancer). He'd never asked the question and family felt it wasn't our place to make him feel any worse.

He asked the ward round doctor when he'd be able to go home. I don't know exact words as I wasn't there but he rang his DM in extreme distress saying 'they've just told me I'm going to die soon' . Very distressing all round,especially as he was on his own when this news was delivered.
He just gave up there and then and died a couple of days later. He may have died in that time frame anyway but that little bit of hope was taken away.

He was a very intelligent person but I think he just didn't want it spelled out. And it didn't help his elderly DM to hear his distress.
I think some people would rather not be told,even if they know it's not looking good.

Original poster
Witchtower · 08/04/2019 12:56

@fizzandchips wasn’t offended at all.

@NWQM mental capacity is perfect. It’s mainly due to the language barrier.

OP posts:
Original poster
Witchtower · 08/04/2019 12:57

@Hundredacrewoods apparently not. They were not happy with the decision made and made it very clear but they said they will respect it and tell her if she asks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Witchtower · 08/04/2019 13:03

@HollowTalk @roundligament @campion and other PP, thank you. Your responses made me feel a little more at peace, I didn’t know it till now but I think that’s what I was looking for. I don’t think the decision is going to change and I was probably looking for responses with positive outcomes. Positive is def the wrong word to use but you all know what I mean.

OP posts:
Someoneonlyyouknow · 08/04/2019 13:44

@Witchtower You must take comfort from the fact that she is talking about future plans and assume she is happy to 'pretend' if that is what she is doing. The rest of the family need to support each other as best you can. It would be unkind and selfish for someone to tell her just so that they felt better.

Does she have a faith? It might be important to her to get her spiritual affairs in order. Also, she may believe she will be reunited with loved ones when she dies and talking about them might show she is thinking about her own mortality. Also talking about funeral plans, which doesn't have to be morbid and depressing, but might indicate that she is aware.

NWQM · 08/04/2019 14:56

As mental capacity is perfect the medics have a duty to tell her via translators if necessary.

Are you sure she doesn't know?

Could she be thinking she is protecting you from heartache?

LittleChristmasMouse · 08/04/2019 15:04

When I was nursing we always took the lead from the patient in situations like this.

If the patient asked directly then we told them.

Sometimes they would ask non direct questions and then we would gently explore what it actually was that they were asking.

Many times they did actually know the truth but they were trying to protect their lived ones by not asking directly.

TwitterQueen1 · 08/04/2019 15:06

NWQM Of course they don't have a duty to tell her she is dying. How cruel would that be!
Standard practice is that if someone asks directly, you tell them. If they don't ask you don't tell. Doctors/consultants are very practised at this kind of thing and have ways and means of being ambivalent if they need to be.

The welfare of the patient is still the first priority.

Artus · 08/04/2019 15:16

I wonder if it is a generational thing? Both my parents, in their mid eighties, have made it clear they do not want to know if they are dying. Also when my father in law had cancer my mother in law was furious that he was told, and indeed he decided it was Gods will and died a couple of days later, despite being told he had several months to live.

For myself I don't know.

SnuggyBuggy · 08/04/2019 15:20

I also imagine it's something people would maybe change their minds on depending on age and circumstance

Nonnymum · 08/04/2019 15:21

Haven't the doctor's already told her? I thought data protection meant they couldn't tell relatives anything they haven't already told the patient?

Nonnymum · 08/04/2019 15:28

Sorry I have just seen the doctors and said they will tell her if she asks, but you are not sure she would understand. It maybe that she doesn't want to know. I think you should probably take the lead from her and those closest to her.
It is very difficult. Sending you good wishes

BlueMerchant · 08/04/2019 15:28

I'm so sorry for you and your family. Flowers
My Grandfather lived with cancer for five years.He was fully aware of it.He continued to live a good life. He went to an appointment where doctor told him it had spread and that he had months to live.
He completely gave up after this. It floored him. His mental state at being told this meant his last few months were hell on Earth for him and for us too. He was terrified.
I wish we, as his much loved family had been able to speak to Doctors to somehow stop them telling him. It was cruel.

campion · 08/04/2019 15:38

It seems that not all doctors are 'on message' when it comes to tact and empathy. Maybe they lack life experience or maybe their training could have been better.

NWQM · 08/04/2019 17:05

@TwitterQueen1 so how will her palliative treatment plan have been agreed then?

Original poster
Witchtower · 08/04/2019 18:01

@NWQM palliative treatment plan was discussed with family member who is caring for ill family member. Ill family member was told that it was docs coming to make sure she was ok at home.

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Original poster
Witchtower · 08/04/2019 18:03

@NWQM I know it sounds crazy that the docs wouldn’t directly tell the person who was terminal. But as a pp said the doctors need to decide what is appropriate or not. In this case the doctors were not happy to make that call but took the lead from family caring for her.

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roundligament · 08/04/2019 18:39

@Witchtower we were all about 16 at the time
And it saved a lot of distress for him dealing with his impending death. Because there was nobody who knew except his very close family he wasn't bombarded with people he went to school with trying to see him for their own comfort before he died
I think leaving someone who's fragile to be blissfully ignorant is probably best
When I got sick when I was pregnant I said to my husband if I am dying you need to do everything to save me. I do not want to die and trust me if I am quiet while I die it will be because I am sedated
I will scream for my last breath
I am too frightened of dying and I don't want to leave my son
I think it would be a more calm experience for me if I wasn't told I was going to die
I hope this thread has given you some comfort and things to explore
I personally find death very stressful and upsetting and I don't like the idea of it.
It's obvious you are affected by the concept of death and I don't think it's selfish I think your post has come from the heart and a good place which is one of concern and love
I suppose there is no right answer except to just take each day as it comes and be there for your relative in a way which she can enjoy you and also remain calm
Lots of love xxx

IncrediblySadToo · 08/04/2019 18:55

How old is she?

The thing is, that she HAS asked family about the results of the tests and she’s been fobbed off. Because of the language barrier she’s NOT asking the Drs and she’s being lied to by her family. I don’t think it’s right myself.

PurpleDaisies · 08/04/2019 18:58

They were not happy with the decision made and made it very clear but they said they will respect it and tell her if she asks.

This is not what would happen in an nhs hospital. A patient with mental capacity would be told their own condition via an interpreter if necessary. The relatives are not allowed to override their right to knowz

Original poster
Witchtower · 08/04/2019 19:54

@PurpleDaisies honestly this is what has happened.

@Incrediblysadtoo In her late 70’s

OP posts:
NWQM · 08/04/2019 20:11

I understand that the medics will not put a timescale on it but they surely have attempted to explain her condition and what steps may or may not happen next?

Has she been led to believe that she will recover?

bourbonbiccy · 08/04/2019 20:23

My mum was not told she was dying. They rang me and told me she wouldn't last the night but didn't tell her. So when I arrived she just said she had a "funny turn" the nurses then took me away and told me again she wouldn't make it. When I asked if they had told her the doctor told me " that is not something they would tell her, they did explain to her the family had been called but would not tell a patient they were dying " she was only 63 and of sound mind. It was all a disgraceful shambles anyway.

@PurpleDaisies so as of 12 months ago the process for our NHS hospital is not to "directly" tell the patient

In your situation @Witchtower i would never lie to them, it's just not fair IMO.