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Original poster

Five year olds kissing in school

61 replies

waytooyoungforthis · 07/04/2019 09:32

Just been chatting to dd (5) about boyfriends in school (off the back of another thread) just to see if she knows anyone in school wity one. Hopefully to lead on to a discussion about them not being a good idea.

She just told me she has just broke up with hers Blush

She said a boy in her class (same age) wanted to be her boyfriend and has kissed her twice. Once in the play house which is fully open and once he took her behind it. She didn’t like it. She discribed it as a peck on the lips.

I asked why didn’t she tell me, she said she thought I would go mad like when I tell her off for messing the living room up Sad

She isn’t fazed by it but I feel dreadful.

I’ve spoken to her lots of times about what to do if some one does something she doesn’t like as there was a few incidents when said boy and another boy has kicked her or pushed her. Maybe she didn’t equate the two.

But I’m also really upset with myself that she was scared to discuss this because of what my reaction should be. She is now watching Sponge Bob not a care in the world. I’ve been sworn to secrecy.

I’m so uneasy with this. I don’t like the fact he actually took her behind the play house so no one could see, that tells me he knew he was doing something he shouldn’t have be.

His mum is lovely, apparently he told his mum after the first time.

I don’t feel this is normal. Or is it? I’m going to email his teacher (who is also lovely) and see if she can discuss with the children about boundaries and what’s acceptable. Dd should not be being led anywhere private in school.

Or am I over reacting?

OP posts:
TwitterQueen1 · 07/04/2019 09:35

You're over-reacting massively

adaline · 07/04/2019 09:38

I think kids kissing is pretty normal but if she didn't like it then she should tell her teacher.

Original poster
waytooyoungforthis · 07/04/2019 09:41

twitter do you think? Why?

I think maybe some bad experiences I had at school maybe clouding my judgement.

OP posts:

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Lwmommy · 07/04/2019 09:43

They all kiss and hug at that age, my DD is 4 in reception and has a boyfriend, they play mummy and daddy in home corner.

Its completely innocent

HunnyCaramel · 07/04/2019 09:44

I wouldnt panic, i remember little kisses with boys at primary, it was meaningless - i was a nun in my teenage years Grin but i think the convo u had with DD is a good start - hopefully she will come to you in future if anything else happens.

Original poster
waytooyoungforthis · 07/04/2019 09:51

Lwmommy yes I got a complete list of people that like to hug her Grin

I supppse your right hunny

It just unnerved me that he took her behind the place house where no one could see.

OP posts:
Lwmommy · 07/04/2019 09:55

Watch a couple of these class greeter videos, what i find interesting is that more often the boys pick a hug or kiss over handshake or high five.

It makes me wonder if adults are less likely to hug little boys and they miss it???

m.youtube.com/watch?v=zyLm0VeWUno

thebear1 · 07/04/2019 09:56

Are you saying a 5 year old boy was predatory towards your daughter? It is how I read your op. I think that is a bit of a projection.

EmperorBallpitine · 07/04/2019 09:57

Actually at my kids school kissing is banned because they aren't always good at boundaries and consent.
Its OK to teach them at this age that a) you don't have to have physical contact with someone even if they are your friend, AND b) kissing and hugging a lot isn't necessary in a school/work environment.
You could certainly let the teacher know, a little chat with the children about not forcing other people to do things (whatever that is ) against their wishes seems in order.

TwitterQueen1 · 07/04/2019 09:57

Because they're both 5. And you're in danger or robbing these children of their innocence and making boys out to be the bad guys on a permanent basis.

I'll say it again. They're 5. This is completely normal behaviour. Would you be as concerned if 2 girls were exchanging kisses?

Fine to have conversations about 'stranger danger' and 'private parts' on a general level but playground kisses, 'marriages' etc should not be demonised.

Also, why did your DD expect you to get mad and tell her off? And is hiding stuff from you at such a young age? I'm sorry you had issues at school but perhaps your experiences are clouding your views here? Understandably....

kaytee87 · 07/04/2019 09:57

They're only five

cantwait2bfree · 07/04/2019 10:00

My dd5 asked me at what age she can kiss boys I said 21 Grin.id take it lightly I think that’s what they discuss at that age these days. I don’t remember being 5

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 07/04/2019 10:00

It's completely normal but you should just remind her that she can tell if she doesn't feel comfortable.

EmperorBallpitine · 07/04/2019 10:00

Yes but children can be very coercive/manipulative at this age. Its not a sexual predation issue but it IS a consent or friendship behavior issue. If the OPs child hid it then she obviously had shame feelings around it, minimizing that as 'normal' isn't helpful either. Children who behave without regard for the feelings of others need mild correction.

Original poster
waytooyoungforthis · 07/04/2019 10:06

Also, why did your DD expect you to get mad and tell her off? And is hiding stuff from you at such a young age

I’ve no idea and it’s upset me tbh. Obviously I need to look at that.

I’m off out for a few hours.

OP posts:
spaniorita · 07/04/2019 10:12

Completely agree with what @TwitterQueen1 is saying. Little children of both sexes like to show love and affection to those close to them including friends, but lack the social boundaries and understanding of etiquette and emotional intelligence that adults use in similar context. "What makes me feel loved? I like it when mummy gives me a kiss, I will do that". That's not predatory, or assuming consent - they have no idea about these things. I think you are projecting adult context on to a very innocent childhood scenario here. Little 5 year old boys aren't monsters, same as most men aren't.

TwitterQueen1 · 07/04/2019 10:47

Sorry OP if you feel I'm picking at you - I'm genuinely trying to help by providing a different perspective. I've just reread this in your OP:

"..chatting to dd (5) about boyfriends in school .. Hopefully to lead on to a discussion about them not being a good idea."

This is very controlling... Why don't you want her to have a boyfriend?

I was engaged to be married at 6. My boyfriend was called Colin and we used to climb onto garage roofs and then into the graveyard and just play. All very innocent and lovely (yes I know... climbing onto roofs.... very bad...). I still have fond memories of him at 59.

I never felt I had much choice about anything as a child and consequently found it hard to express my opinion about anything well into adulthood. Try enabling your DD to make choices...

"How lovely that he liked you enough to want to be your boyfriend and to give you a kiss. You don't have to give him a kiss if you don't want to though."

"It can be lovely to have a special boyfriend (or girlfriend!) but it's good to have lots of other friends too.."

nutsfornutella · 07/04/2019 10:50

My dd can home in y1 telling me about the "no kissing at school" lecture that they'd had. There were kids kissing out of view of the playground supervisors.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 07/04/2019 11:27

It's normal behaviour and a lot of the time it's fairly innocent and silly. However there are times when for different reasons children become uncomfortable or end up hurt(emotionally or physically)and that's when schools impose bans like no kissing or no gf/bf talk allowed even for 5yos.

What you really need to focus and work in is your relationship with your daughter. I'm not saying it to be a dick. But if she'll ever need help with a situation, she needs to be able to talk to you without fear of reprisals. I don't know why she thought you might be mad. Maybe it's the "it's not a good idea" type of thing. In order for her to be safe she needs to know you will listen, not overreact and have her back.

You could just have a little chat with her praising her for being honest and thanking her for telling you. Have little chats about her day, who her friends are,what games she played etc.

PinkHeart5914 · 07/04/2019 11:31

They are children, just 5 years old!

Many children at that age hug and kiss, it is very normal behaviour.

Just say to her kissing is fine but if she doesn’t like it, she can tell her teacher and leave it at that.

I’m more worried your 5 year old she couldn’t talk to her mother for fear you’d go mad Confused

FuzzyShadowChatter · 07/04/2019 12:58

I entirely agree with previous posters on encouraging and praising her honesty and opening up to you, but it's as normal at that age to overly worried about being told off and do things to avoid bad feelings (and mix up feeling bad with doing bad) just as it is normal to kiss and cuddle and do things for happy feelings.

Personally, I would discuss things and say something like just like when you don't like being kicked or pushed you do X, here is what you can do if someone is leading you away from adults or kissing/hugging/whatever that she normally thinks is nice and she doesn't like it. It is quite possible that she views them differently as kicking people is an always negative thing whereas kissing is more a grey area where it can be nice and mean nice things, but isn't always nice and doesn't automatically mean someone likes you any particular amount. These are complicated ideas at that age (sometimes for older people too) and I think you and her are doing well with them.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 07/04/2019 13:18

Seems quite normal. If you want her to be open with you in the future (and it's great that you do) it's important not to overreact to this.

I'm not sure what you mean about "taking" her out of sight. Was she not and equal participant in this game?

Original poster
waytooyoungforthis · 07/04/2019 16:01

This is very controlling... Why don't you want her to have a boyfriend?

I don’t think I’m controlling, I’m being protective. I do feel school is a safe place to go to learn and develop platonic friendships. Children - especially girls are now encouraged to behave and act much more older than their years. There is so much external pressure from every where. I don’t want my dd self esteem damaged when a school ground relationship inevitably breaks down for the next new girlfriend. Or to be caught up in the drama of it. She is only five now so yes it’s innocent but I do t want this to be a theme through her junior years so I’ll nip it in the bud now. Girls have a life time of relationship problems, can’t school be a place to keep that at bay?

How lovely that he liked you enough to want to be your boyfriend and to give you a kiss. You don't have to give him a kiss if you don't want to though

But that reinforces that’s it’s ok for males to just go in for a kiss because they like you. It isn’t. I don’t want her to have to be in a reactive position.

I have no problem with playing mums and dads or having marriages in the play ground - but I do have an issue of her being led behind a play house where no one can see for a kiss.

It is quite possible that she views them differently as kicking people is an always negative thing whereas kissing is more a grey area where it can be nice and mean nice things, but isn't always nice and doesn't automatically mean someone likes you any particular amount

Yes I agree, I think that’s what happened.

I’m not cross at him but I will email her teacher. its highlighted some areas I need to look at, such as she let him kiss her twice when she didn’t like it but never told him either time. I’m going to look at some material on line tonight to see how to navigate through this with out clumsily messing it up.

Thanks for your replies

OP posts:
Namechangeforthiscancershit · 07/04/2019 16:39

now encouraged to behave and act much more older than their years

I don't agree that this is a "nowadays" thing. I was at primary school in the very late eighties/early nineties and it wasn't any different then

mumknowsbestapparently · 07/04/2019 16:46

I really think you’re over reacting OP with emailing the teacher. I think the issue is more yours to deal with, by encouraging your DDs confidence in speaking up and saying no if she doesn’t like something but also you sound like you need to create a less judgmental environment where she feels comfortable having these conversations with you at home, she hasn’t told you for a reason.

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