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Original poster

Five year olds kissing in school

61 replies

waytooyoungforthis · 07/04/2019 09:32

Just been chatting to dd (5) about boyfriends in school (off the back of another thread) just to see if she knows anyone in school wity one. Hopefully to lead on to a discussion about them not being a good idea.

She just told me she has just broke up with hers Blush

She said a boy in her class (same age) wanted to be her boyfriend and has kissed her twice. Once in the play house which is fully open and once he took her behind it. She didn’t like it. She discribed it as a peck on the lips.

I asked why didn’t she tell me, she said she thought I would go mad like when I tell her off for messing the living room up Sad

She isn’t fazed by it but I feel dreadful.

I’ve spoken to her lots of times about what to do if some one does something she doesn’t like as there was a few incidents when said boy and another boy has kicked her or pushed her. Maybe she didn’t equate the two.

But I’m also really upset with myself that she was scared to discuss this because of what my reaction should be. She is now watching Sponge Bob not a care in the world. I’ve been sworn to secrecy.

I’m so uneasy with this. I don’t like the fact he actually took her behind the play house so no one could see, that tells me he knew he was doing something he shouldn’t have be.

His mum is lovely, apparently he told his mum after the first time.

I don’t feel this is normal. Or is it? I’m going to email his teacher (who is also lovely) and see if she can discuss with the children about boundaries and what’s acceptable. Dd should not be being led anywhere private in school.

Or am I over reacting?

OP posts:
unicornsrule · 07/04/2019 16:54

Op is saying that she didnt like the fact that the boy took her dd behind the playhouse to kiss where people couldnt see them

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 07/04/2019 17:16

I don’t want my dd self esteem damaged when a school ground relationship inevitably breaks down for the next new girlfriend.

That won't happen at 5. There was a boy in DD's class who had 3 "girlfriends"at the same time. The girls were all friends too. Most had a gf/bf and it changed faster than they change their pants. They didn't even have playdates together,it was just a playground thing. Now they are the age where they mostly stick to own sex friendships. This will change again. I get where you are coming from,but she won't. She'll just think she's wrong, that what they are doing is wrong and you'll be cross at her. This needs changing. I had DD tell me about her "boyfriend" and stuff and I just kept neutral,had a giggle with her etc. When something bad did happen I was the first person she told and I had her back. That only increased her trust in me. Don't sweat the small stuff.

Original poster
waytooyoungforthis · 07/04/2019 17:19

Yes unicorn. He kissed her first in the play house which is completely open. I don’t like that he took her behind it a few days later for the second one.

I don’t think I’m over reacting emailing the teacher over it at all. Five years olds should not be seeking privacy at school.

I am looking at myself to see why she didn’t tell me. Every day when I pick her up I ask how her day went so could have mentioned it. We have a very loving relationship and is a really well behaved little girl if somewhat sensitive. I have two other dd who are much more robust. I don’t know why she thought I would be mad Confused I never need to tell her off or shout ect.. but yes I do get exasperated at all of them when they make a mess.. but things maybe different through children’s eyes.

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Namechangeforthiscancershit · 07/04/2019 17:35

There was a boy in DD's class who had 3 "girlfriends"at the same time

This reminded me that my much younger brother had 11 when he was 4. One was me and one was his cousin!

EleanorOalike · 07/04/2019 17:46

We had to be banned from playing kiss chase in Reception!

I can remember one little boy pinning me to the floor and knocking out my front teeth with his tongue because he’d seen his babysitter French kissing her boyfriend. It was horrific, there was blood everywhere! The teacher told us both off and put an end to Kiss Chase.

At 8, I had a “boyfriend” for over a year and it was all very sweet, hand holding and gazing at each other. Our parents let us go on a proper date to the circus and a burger bar, we held hands the whole time. There was definitely a little bit of kissing in the playground but it was all completely non sexual just very very innocent and cute.

It genuinely did me no harm whatsoever.

No one asked me out until I was 29 sadly and I was an extremely old virgin Sad. So all of that early kissing in the playground didn’t lead to me being 15 and pregnant or having issues around consent or anything.

It’s pretty normal for little kids to give each other pecks, even at school. It’s also a great opportunity to introduce the concept of body autonomy and how to let someone no they need to stop when you feel uncomfortable or don’t want them to kiss or touch you and how it’s never appropriate for adults or other children to touch certain parts of your body etc.

kaytee87 · 07/04/2019 17:46

You keep saying the boy took her behind the playhouse as if this little boy is a sexual deviant. Did you daughter describe any sort of force involved?

twoforonespecial · 07/04/2019 17:51

Oh ffs you're being utterly ridiculous

Original poster
waytooyoungforthis · 07/04/2019 17:51

Did your little boyfriend take you behind some where so others couldn’t see Eleanor?

That’s my point. The secrecy of it. My dd was actually in a vulnerable spot with no teachers knowing. That makes me feel very uncomfortable

OP posts:
EleanorOalike · 07/04/2019 17:51

Oh and we kissed in the toilets! So there was an element of privacy there too...don’t quite know why, I think we just didn’t like people watching us and making fun and we were probably scared of getting in to trouble. We didn’t tell our mum’s that we were very close to that we kissed, just that we held hands! I think sometimes kids just feel there are things they’d rather not tell adults, like we intuitively know it might land us in trouble. Neither of us had a clue what sex was so again, it wasn’t related to that. Just more a fear of getting in trouble just like when you accidentally knock something over or forget to do something you were asked to and you think Mum might be angry.

EleanorOalike · 07/04/2019 17:51

Cross posted!

Original poster
waytooyoungforthis · 07/04/2019 17:54

kay I keep saying took because that’s what dd said. ‘Xxx took me behind the play house’

I’m not accusing him of being a sexual deviant. I just don’t that he took her some where private to do it.

OP posts:
kaytee87 · 07/04/2019 17:54

Op you're sounding ridiculous now. This little boy is five. What do you think your daughter was vulnerable to exactly?

EleanorOalike · 07/04/2019 17:55

I can see it’s really bothering you so probably you should alert the teacher. Just be aware that it is possible for this behaviour to be entirely innocent and that actually it’s the most likely explanation rather than the child being an abuser.

The teacher will most likely ban all kissing and tell kids not to go behind the playhouse. Problem solved.

Original poster
waytooyoungforthis · 07/04/2019 17:55

Elenor I see your point.

OP posts:
YourSarcasmIsDripping · 07/04/2019 17:56

What do you think his intent was @waytooyoungforthis ?

Original poster
waytooyoungforthis · 07/04/2019 17:57

I don’t think he an abuser at all.

Kay have you actually read my posts before getting your knickers in a twist?

OP posts:
Jenniferturkington · 07/04/2019 17:57

I think it sounds harmless enough. Hugging and kissing each other is totally normal at that age. Make sure she knows she can say ‘stop’ and make sure she knows to tell the teacher if she doesn’t want to play anymore (much as you would expect in any other contact game)
Fwiw I had to have words with my dd (6) this week as she told me all the girls were playing ‘hug Jack’ at playtime- I had to clarify whether or not poor jack was actually consenting in this!

Longlostperson · 07/04/2019 17:59

He is 5!!!!
What do you think this child was intending to do ?
I really think if from now you’re being this ott about children’s natural curiosities then you’re going to have a breakdown by the time she’s a teen.

Original poster
waytooyoungforthis · 07/04/2019 18:02

your his intent was to have a little a little peck.

The issues I have around it are.

I’m not happy they went some where private where the teacher couldn’t see.

I’m not happy dd didn’t say ‘I don’t like that don’t do it again’ because obviously she wasn’t confident enough to say it. I need to look at that.

I’m unnerved that dd has two kisses she didn’t want and didn’t tell me.

I don’t expect dd to go to school and have to experience that at five!

OP posts:
Toddlerteaplease · 07/04/2019 18:06

Oh for goodness sake. They are 5. It's what children do!

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 07/04/2019 18:09

That's fair enough actually, but besides banning kissing and going behind the playhouse and maybe a general chat there's not much else the teacher can do.

The only one who can really help your daughter is you. Help her say no and be assertive,or if she can't to ask for help. To always tell you when she's uncomfortable or upset about something. To know that secrets aren't ok or hiding to do something. Reinforce the pants rule(which is not only about privates,but secrets and feeling uncomfortable and the funny feeling in their tummies).

I know you're angry and worried. You also view things through grownup lenses that might be jaded and hurt by experience.

It's a tricky one and I've been there, with some stuff that was actually worse. Going OTT won't solve anything though no matter how much you want to.

Original poster
waytooyoungforthis · 07/04/2019 18:21

your I’ve chilled out a bit now. I think at first it just blew my socks off I didn’t know this had happened in my dd little life when I’ve talked to her lots about telling people to stop if they do something she doesn’t like but I think a poster nailed it up thread that dd had confused the two. Kissing V kicking ect..

Going to try and find a video on the no pants rule to watch with her

I think I’ll mention it to the teacher just so she can have a talk with the whole class - not to directly single him out.

OP posts:
TwitterQueen1 · 07/04/2019 18:25

Children do not understand the difference between platonic and sexual friendships or relationships. You cannot tell her not to have a boyfriend. She will take this to mean that she can't be friends with boys.

You are sexualising your 5 year old child by forbidding what is entirely normal learning / relationship development behaviour.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 07/04/2019 18:28

I literally been there,ranting and raving and demanding his head on a platter on here (they were also 5). I was also told to get a grip while screaming that this is "my baby we're talking about!!"

I did talk to the head because 1.it was a bit more serious and 2.the teacher was off on holiday and I didn't think the person covering had enough knowledge of the class plus it was nearly end of term3. Didn't want it to get lost between messages.

I also had a big amount of guilt (which fuelled my anger) because DD was put in a vulnerable position due to fear of breaking the rules. I felt it was my fault for being strict(?!?), making sure she listens at school etc.

It's been quite a while now, no lasting scars,DD is slowly more confident and we're both still learning. Nothing ever happened again either.

Original poster
waytooyoungforthis · 07/04/2019 18:30

You are sexualising your 5 year old child by forbidding what is entirely normal learning / relationship development behaviour

No I’m not Hmm

OP posts:
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