I'm utterly torn. Bit of a rant, sorry.

[Squiff70]

Hi everyone.

I'm 36 (nearly 37) and have no surviving children.

I had a late miscarriage (twins) in January this year at 19 weeks and since losing our son and daughter I've gained weight despite the stress. I'm 5ft 9 and 89kg so rather hefty, I admit that, and am trying everything I can think of to get the weight down (even went to the GP for Olistat yesterday which he willingly prescribed).

We feel mentally ready to try gain for another baby but I'm fucked if I want to add baby weight to this existing blubber! I've been sticking to 1500 calories for 5 weeks so far but ony lost a depressing 3lbs, which I consider a fluctuation as some daays it goes back on :(

The problem is this: we're running out of months/years to try for another baby due to my age and health. DP thinks I can have a baby now and lose the weight later rather than end up hitting 40-ish with no children and having to struggle through IVF or similar. I cannot BARE the thought of weighing one gram more than I already do. I'm waiting for surgery to repair a tendon in my ankle so exercising is very limited, although I am doing what I can. Eating a very low fat diet, counting every single calorie etc. The weight won't budge, partly because I have thyroid issues and my body is adjusting to meds. Problem also is if I get pregnant I can't have the ankle surgery, which could be a year from now potentially.

What do you think I should do? Or is there something we haven't through of? Any advice appreciated.

LCHF diet and/or Intermittent Fasting.

Can you afford to go private to get the tendon surgery?

Don't fuck about with fertility. Get on with it as soon as possible. Eat sensibly and you don't have to become a complete heffalump in pregnancy. Many women don't put on excessive weight.

@TowelNumber42 thanks for your reply. Don't want to try a LCHF diet as I'm now on Orlistat. I had an eating disorder for 20 years and don't want to fast at all in case it triggers a relapse.

Don't intend to fuck about with fertility. Just can't cope with the thought of gaining more. I think the compromise is very strict but sensible dieting whilst TTC, but what do I know?

PS. Yes I guess I could afford to get my ankle done on the private sector (at a vey hard push). I'll book an appointment with my doctor next week and try to get the ball rolling.

Hi have a look at RH fitness on Facebook or watch some of James Smith’s videos on YouTube. They might not be your style but speak a lot of sense around calorie deficit as opposed to food group elimination. Start small, track your food on My Fitness Pal and try to do 10k steps per day. But most of all be kind to yourself and stop the inner voice berating you, you’ve had a really tough time.

First off, I'm sorry for your loss and your health problems.

Please don't fall for Boombod, my friend did and had horrendous stomach pains. I took ONE as a test and that evening my stomach was in agony.

I digress. With limited exercise its going to all be about calories and portion control in order to lose weight in a healthy manner.

I don't know about the impact of your thyroid.

Personally I would try to fall pregnant because every passing year your chances lessen.

Have you considered fostering/adoption? I know it's not as ideal if you want a biological child, but you'll still be a mother and not have to sacrifice your physical and mental health too!

Only you can decide- is having a baby worth a short term weight gain?
It's priorities. If no, then you are not ready to have a baby
I actually weighed less the day after I gave birth that the day I conceived as I ate so healthily during pregnancy!

Don't wait. Just get on with it.

I lost weight to prepare for pregnancy doing low carb. If you do that, take vitamin b supplements as low carb can diet doesn't have much vit b, and lack of that can increase risk of hyperemisis.

But don't delay in ttc in the meantime.

I've been considering trying for a second child, and I'm bigger than you. Work circumstances are preventing me at that moment (thanks brexit) so I'm holding off for now. So I'm trying to lose weight in the meantime. But if I'm ready to ttc, I won't let the weight stop me.

@janknitti thanks, I'll look up those videos on YT.

No chance of doing 10k steps a day. Really struggling to walk at all due to tendon damage so averaging at 5000 a day just hobbling about. Ii'm already tracking literally everything on MFP.

My sympathies to you for your loss. I was at my very heaviest following my late miscarriage at 20 weeks. It was purely a case of feeling so low, food was my only comfort. I have to say I went a bit crazy with diet and exercise, and did lose a lot of weight before falling pregnant and successfully carrying to full term. It worked for me at the time as it gave me a focus when I was falling apart. Having said that, I wouldn't hang around if you have no medical reason to stop you ttc, the weight can be dealt with after if you feel its necessary.

I agree with the other posters who said dont wait, you can't do anything to improve your fertility if you leave it too late.

Re the weight problems try Slimming World, it's a heathy way to loose weight and if you do a few days a week limiting your carbs as well I bet the weight will fall off you

I had BED for 20yrs, LCHF helps - fasting comes naturally as the cravings disappear.

Also forget low fat. The latest science shows that's not the best way to lose weight. Take a look at Dr Michael mosley and Dr aseem malhotra books.

I also have previous eating disorders and have being doing fasting for the last couple of months. I think it is harder with ED history. I find the fasting part nor too hard. But then I find it hard to eat in moderation when it's time to eat. I'm getting better. Has a day off from fasting today and didn't do too badly.

Good luck.

Thanks so much for all your comments. I still have caarbs in my diet (much less than the adverage person I think) and some I can still cut out. I don't eat bread (at all) but have a very small handful of pasta for lunches with spinach, broccoli and tomato so I'll look into substituting the pasta for something else.

Not ruling out fostering/adoption further down the road but not in a mental place where I could consider it just now.

Thanks again. Don't think I need diet advice - I know what I should and shouldn't be eating/drinking. I just need to be more strict about it I think. I just needed somebody to tell me to get a shift on with TTC I think, as I suspect DP is right. I'm distraught about my weight but would be more distraught at the thought of never having a child.

I would prioritise ttc, but in doing that would be making all possible efforts to sort out the thyroid issues ASAP, as a first priority, as they can impact on fertility, as you probably know?

A lot of GPs do not understand the levels TSH etc need to be at for conception, and sustaining a pregnancy. Are you getting good, specialist, help for your thyroid, that is taking into account your desire to ttc?

Sorry, meant to say for your miscarriage. What an awful thing to happen.

Have you considered fostering/adoption? I know it's not as ideal if you want a biological child, but you'll still be a mother and not have to sacrifice your physical and mental health too!

Do you honestly think wonen with fertility problems haven’t already considered this? It’s patronising, insensitive and totally unhelpful.

Really sorry for your loss.

I would prioritise getting pg again but I do understand wanting to lose weight before getting pregnant again. I hated being out of shape after pregnancies and did gain a lot each time.

What about simply a 'no processed food' approach which cuts out a lot of crappy carbs due to the nature of it. It worked very well for me and still does and I'm pretty sure it is because I end up eating far less sugar and carbs.

I don't know much about thyroid issues I'm afraid.

If you start Slimming world and are ttc ypu can carry on with the plan during pregnancy.

First, I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I lost my first baby at 22 weeks (having struggled to conceive) and it was the worst thing in the world.

You sound incredibly stressed about your weight. And there may well be sound medical reasons why you should try to drop some. But at the expense of projecting, is it really your weight that you are worried about? Or is your desire to control your weight a camouflage for your desire to feel that your body is in your control after it let you down by losing your babies? I was back in the gym within days of losing my baby, in large part because I thought my chances of conceiving again were higher if I got thinner. But in hindsight, I think I was angry at my body, and desperately trying to regain some control in a cruel and random universe. Or are you terrified of trying again and going through that pain again if it goes wrong and so setting up some barrier to give you a reason not to try yet?

Have you had any bereavement counselling, either alone or with your DH? Have you discussed your fixation with not gaining weight while pregnant with the counsellor?

Because your DH is right - whatever happens to your weight, you can sort it out post pregnancy. But if you let your fertility window slide by for this reason, you will regret it for the rest of your life - and your DH may not be able to forgive you, either.

It makes me makes me sad that you potentially value...an idea of a hypothetical being more than your own health and mental wellbeing. Get your health to a point where you are happy with it and you are happy in yourself. A person who isn't happy in themselves should deal with that before bringing another life into the world.

I cannot bare the thought of gaining one more gram

Then why are you considering getting pregnant?! There are other options...adoption, fostering...paying some other poor sod to do it for you xD

Anyway, at least wait until you are mentally strong enough and physically healthy enough for it not to cause you harm. Put yourself first :)

You wont be able to work on yourself and your self esteem as easily with a baby toddling about. Also, if you get healthy (and happy) first, you'll probably find it easier to get preggers in your forties than you do now when you are a walking stressball.

And tell hubby, he can have the baby sooner when he can grow it himself!

I have a back/disc problem so lower-body cardio exercise is out. I spent time finding lots of upper-body cardio options. And managed to lose 20kg without hurting my back further. My favourite was the gym machine that looks like what professional yachts-people use to train, like a wheel for your arms to cycle (with resistance). You stay seated.

I’m often surprised with people saying ‘I can’t exercise, because I can’t run.’ Your body doesn’t care about which movement is causing your heart rate to elevate, so use the muscles you have that do work!

I got the side benefit of lovely shapely arms/shoulders too!

What would you do if you found out you were pregnant at this weight? You'd be overjoyed.

I think you are focusing on too many things at once. I'd accept the situation and know you can only control so much of it.

If it were my choice to make then I would carry on with baby plans at the same time as trying to battle your weight.

The two things aren't interchangeable, they can happen concurrently. Applying so much pressure to yourself over which path to take will only hinder you as you are going head to head with yourself.

Whatever you do should be right for you, don't let fad diets trigger bad habits. Simple healthy eating will help with your fertility and your mood. Overthinking will only make you stress and have a negative impact on whatever goal you are forced on that day.

I really wish you the very best of luck, you deserve happiness.

sorry for your loss.

Listen to your doctor and try to stop fixating on loosing weight. You need to follow one path only and loosing weight is not the one you should be taking. It's almost like you are trying to set up some perfect kind of place you want to be in before you can have a baby and have set your mind to loose weight and not get pregnant until you are this perfect being. It's almost as if your mind has set up some kind of defence mechanism that says overweight people don't have babies ... therefore loosing weight = baby.

Honestly OP if your doctor says go for it - then you should.