I'm utterly torn. Bit of a rant, sorry.

[Squiff70]

Hi everyone.

I'm 36 (nearly 37) and have no surviving children.

I had a late miscarriage (twins) in January this year at 19 weeks and since losing our son and daughter I've gained weight despite the stress. I'm 5ft 9 and 89kg so rather hefty, I admit that, and am trying everything I can think of to get the weight down (even went to the GP for Olistat yesterday which he willingly prescribed).

We feel mentally ready to try gain for another baby but I'm fucked if I want to add baby weight to this existing blubber! I've been sticking to 1500 calories for 5 weeks so far but ony lost a depressing 3lbs, which I consider a fluctuation as some daays it goes back on :(

The problem is this: we're running out of months/years to try for another baby due to my age and health. DP thinks I can have a baby now and lose the weight later rather than end up hitting 40-ish with no children and having to struggle through IVF or similar. I cannot BARE the thought of weighing one gram more than I already do. I'm waiting for surgery to repair a tendon in my ankle so exercising is very limited, although I am doing what I can. Eating a very low fat diet, counting every single calorie etc. The weight won't budge, partly because I have thyroid issues and my body is adjusting to meds. Problem also is if I get pregnant I can't have the ankle surgery, which could be a year from now potentially.

What do you think I should do? Or is there something we haven't through of? Any advice appreciated.

I fell pregnant when 30kgs heavier than you and have now put on 10kg at 41 weeks. I have eaten the same as previous (except in the past week as feeling sorry for myself!) and exercised less due to morning sickness and then renovating a house so having no time or money for the gym. Like you I was terrified of putting on weight but my midwife and consultant are happy with my "manageable" gain. Prior to ttc I lose 30kgs and had a discussion with my usually judgy GP about what weight I should get down to before trying. For various reasons, she told me to crack on! I've had a really healthy pregnancy, as in I've avoided the conditions associated with pregnancy and obesity and have felt great. I think getting your ankle sorted should be a priority because obviously bearing further weight on it will make things more difficult but if you think you can commit to eating healthily and exercising as often as possible in pregnancy, I wouldn't let the weight gain play too much of a part. I also have thyroid problems by the way so totally relate, for what it's worth it has remained stable up to about 28 weeks when they raised my dose

@PurpleDaisies I actually don't think it's patronising at all, it came from a kind place. OP didn't mention she'd ruled out or even considered adoption or fostering so I thought I would mention it.

OP also states she can't deal with more weight gain and she's also said she has health issues, surely ensuring her mental and physical health is intact is most important over TTC/carrying a baby herself? There's also always surrogacy!

OP didn't mention she'd ruled out or even considered adoption or fostering so I thought I would mention it..

You seriously think there’s a woman out there struggling to conceive who hadn’t given a moments thought to adoption/fostering? Seriously? Read the infertility boards. It’s one of the most annoying and upsetting things people say to people in the op’s situation. It may come from a good place but it’s deeply unhelpful.

There's also always surrogacy!

How can you say that so flippantly? Do you know anything about how surrogacy works?

@Squiff70 Not sure if it would work (if you have knee issues) but have you tried purchasing a stationary exercise bike for your home? That would really aid in weight loss and is super low impact, as well as getting some light weights to use for your upper body.

Definitely agree with other posters that TTC when you're stressed or have immediate health issues definitely isn't a great idea, maybe take a year off to better yourself weight, health & mentally then give it a go in a years time? Have you thought how you would cope with not being able to walk properly etc if you actually had a baby/toddler?

Wishing you all the best, sounds like you're doing well diet wise, I eat pasta at least 4 times a week and I'm a size 6! Everything in moderation

@PurpleDaisies Of course I know how it works? I also think it's hard to interpret words on the internet, as I didn't mean it as a flippant comment either, it just came to me as I remembered.

Of course it was flippant. There isn’t “always surrogacy” for anybody. You have a fundamental misunderstanding about the process if you think there is.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I was convinced I couldn't have children, I've just had my first baby. I'm 39 and was 17 stone when I conceived. At the scan I was told I had loads of eggs.
You aren't too old or too heavy to have a child. Xx

Sorry you’re going through this.

I’ve just gained a stone back after my second IVF miscarriage so I get it.

I also have thyroid problems and know that going entirely gluten free is recommended (never by the NHS, but their thyroid treatment is pretty woeful). If you’re currently eating pasta etc I’d seriously try going gf.

Have you been referred to an endocrinologist? NICE guidelines suggest you should be if TTC with thyroid issues. And your TSH needs to be below 2.5 and ideally below 1.

I’m 5’4” and at the start of my pregnancy with DS2 I was 92kg. I ate healthily enough without being too bothered about it, walked a lot and weighed 92.5kg at term. When he was born I went down to 87kg, lightest I been for years.

I get that weight is an issue particularly around pregnancy. However you’re not hugely overweight and I’d focus on TTC before weight loss.

Oh and avoid the low fat, you’d be better off with high fat / moderate protein / lower carbs and trying to ditch sugar. Intermittent fasting is great too, especially if you combine it with lower carbs. And I second the idea of cycling as exercise, it’s great for people with lower leg issues.

This may sound crazy but I remember someone telling me once ' lose weight to gain weight ' referring to pregnancy. I am around 9 stone but if I can recall I am sure I got pregnant as soon as I went on a bit of a diet. Good luck.

Firstly, I'm sorry for your loss. Having lost our son at 32 weeks, I turned to exercise. Can you get to a pool and swim with your tendon injury? Are their chair exercises you can do? The endorphins from exercise helped me a lot, and felt that I was 'doing something', in a situation where I felt helpless.

God the adoption/fostering thing. Love the idea its better for your mental health than pregnancy. Any idea if the challenges faced by adopters?

Also: thanks to all the posters who've called out the "Why don't you just adopt/use a surrogate" people.

The otherwise-lovely nurse in the miscarriage clinic actually asked me "Have you thought about adoption?" as if I was going to say fecking hell, never thought of that, thanks, could've saved myself all this bother. Rage.

OK so the nurse was a dick xD

But the OP doesn't want to put on weight. So adoptions and surrogacy might be jolly stressful too but would hopefully allow her to avoid the particular stress she is worried about. So actually, is a valid suggestion. Its all very well that you considered it, but unfortunately many people simply don't. Sometimes because they've just been thinking more about babies, not children. Not to say everyone can foster or adopt of course. But if I was in the posters place, not happy being bigger, and due to have an ankle op, It is possible I might want to look into something like that first rather than putting strain on my body.

@TeaForTheWin exactly.

Christ alive, we've got two utterly clueless, offensive, tone-deaf contributors now.

unicorn and tea I'm sorry to be blunt, but it is clear that neither of you have the slightest insight into the psychology or distress of the OP, or others in a similar position. Please stop digging the hole before you upset the OP even more than you have likely done already.

Thank you everyone so much for your replies. A few points to make to avoid needing to make dozens of posts to you a individually.

Firstly, I'm so sorry to those of you who've lost babies too. A miscarriage at any stage of pregnancy is cruel but a late miscarriage is hard for anyone to get their head around. I've been on the waiting list for counseling and start next Thursday. A PP is probably right - in part I probably AM focussing so much on my weight because I am angry that my body has failed me. I did want to punish it for a while (and I did) but figured that would only make TTC in the future even harder, potentially.

I do have an exercise bike at home which I use 5 ish days a week. I can only manage 30-45 minutes at a time which burns 100-130 calories approx though. I've got some dumbells and will start using those from today to tone arms a bit. I can't use a gym - I did say I have health problems (fibromyalgia and Graves' disease which is an OVERactive thyroid) but my thyroid is supposedly well-controlled at present. I had a thyroid storm in 2017 and spent 4 months in hospital - one month of that in critical care on mechanical ventilation with a trachaeostomy. I cannot and will not rock that thyroid-stability boat.

I've been thinking overnight about how I can cut back and make more changes to my diet and it's pretty simple to me now. I will try gluten free pasta like one person sugested (thank you for that tip!) and make lots of other small changes but up the exercise whilst TTC.

I don't fancy Slimming World at this stage, thank you, but won't rule it out as a future option.

Weighed myself this morning and I'm nearly 4lbs down from Thursday. I think now I've got the right mindset from all your replies, I can get my weight down whilst TTC and hopefully by the time I concieve again I'll be more at peace with my weight, even if it's not where I want it to be.

@Tolleshunt Actually I've offered the OP plenty of advice regarding exercise for her leg issues. I am sympathetic and I feel desperate for her that she's had issues conceiving on top of having health issues too.

It's a valid point to make regarding adoption/fostering or surrogacy as 1) she hasn't mentioned it in the first post & 2) it will save her physical health! OP also stated she couldn't stand to gain more weight.

Obviously neither option is 100% stress free but at least those other 3 won't put a physical strain on her body. You also have to think about the likelihood of OP actually convincing at her age, yes it can happen, but if it hasn't so far surely you would consider other options too?

Sorry for being realistic.

@Squiff70 Congrats on the 4lb loss, that's amazing! Keep doing what you're doing, you'll find it'll help you mentally too. Maybe even take some weight off your joints.💪🏻

Sorry if I offended you with my posts regarding other options, I was just being realistic and wanted to make sure you knew you had other choices too. :)

Hi OP, so sorry about the loss of your twins, I can't imagine how hard that must be.

I just wanted to chime in with my experience as I was a similar age to you when I fell pregnant. I was fairly active during pregnancy but still put on about 3 stone and was a bit concerned I'd been eating too much, but two and half weeks after the birth I was back to my pre pregnancy weight and jeans.

I continued to lose weight without even trying through maternity leave. A few things contributed to this:

Being out and about pushing baby round in a pram each day.
Breastfeeding.
Doing BLW at 6 months and making a renewed effort to make sure we all ate the same healthy balanced meals.
Not being stuck in an office all day sat on my arse.

Now my baby is a toddler and I spend calories running round after him, traipsing round parks and crawling round soft play centres.

With literally no conscious affort at all, I'm lighter now than I was when I was doing real exercise and counting calories.

So basically I think your husband is correct and you lose weight after the baby arrives.

Again, unicorn, you are missing the point. You are focussing on the physical, and practical, to the point you are failing to see the psychological aspects.

It is not, in any case, reasonable to suggest such a drastic step as surrogacy, in the context of the OP's problems, which sound to be of a level that they can be worked around.

I have no doubt you mean well, but you come across as being ignorant of both the psychological nuances of the OP's predicament, and also the practical, legal and financial implications of interventions like surrogacy.

We all know surrogacy and IVF exist. I'm sure the OP is no exception. It's insensitive to press them as a solution in the OP's situation.

At 5ft9 89kg is hardly gigantic, your BMI is in the overweight category but I think maybe you are being too hard on yourself!

Definitely try low carb if you have an underactive thyroid, it seems to work the best.

And no, you weren't being 'realistic'.

OP is 36, not 46. It is way more realistic that she can conceive naturally at her age than not. It is also way more realistic that she can conceive than that surrogacy would be a sensible option. Do you have any awareness at all of how surrogacy works in this country? Or of how it would bring its own stresses?

Some leisure centres have ladies only sessions. I used to swim a mile every week, they had fab tunes on!