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Original poster

I cannot do this anymore. I've just left the baby.

61 replies

imaginate · 06/04/2019 04:26

Shes one and I've not had a full night's sleep since she was born. I've not had longer than 3 hours uninterrupted sleep and this is rare. She cosleeps. I'm bf and she wakes up a million times in the night looking for me. She doesn't sleep well during the day either and I have to have her in my arms whilst she naps. When she is awake she's too clingy and I don't get anything done. I have other kids and I literally don't know how I've coped for so long. She's getting me so down.

People kept telling me it'll get better at 3m. That came round and still hell. Then they'd say 6m then it was wait till she's crawling, it'll get easier. It hasn't and I can't wait for any other magic age / milestone to come round as she is just a nightmare.

Ive just put her in the cot which she's never used and she's just screaming. It sounds awful but I need my sleep and I don't know what to do. Shall I give up bf? How do I get her to sleep in her cot. She won't even nap in there.

OP posts:

polarpig · 06/04/2019 04:29

Does she have colic or an intolerance to some foods which could be causing stomach pain?

polarpig · 06/04/2019 04:34

on, and talk to @jayroomama who has just posted a similar thread - maybe you can sympathise with each other as you're both in the same boat.

Litttlepinkegg · 06/04/2019 04:38

Oh op sounds so hard bet you are shattered.
Dd used to wake as soon as I put her into cot- hv suggested warming cot either with hands or water bottle - taking out then place baby in.
I may get shot down in flames for this but ds has dummy so he went down ok -dd would never have a dummy.

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Halo84 · 06/04/2019 04:39

Does she get fresh air daily? An hour walk, with her walking, could help.

Hanab · 06/04/2019 04:39

Do you have enough breast milk OP? My son was similar and Dr suggested I introduce bottle feeding together with breast feeding as he could be hungry .. worked for me .. also swaddling helped! Made him feel secure I guess .. hope things get better .. do you have a DH or DP to help out? Perhaps you could take turns ..

FenellaMaxwell · 06/04/2019 04:39

Ok, you need to start transitioning her to the cot for your own sanity. Co-sleeping is great if it works for you and your baby but it clearly isn’t working for you. My DS was like that too. I started out by having an armchair in his room, and I would take him into his room at bedtime and let him fall asleep in my arms then put him down when he was asleep. Whenever he woke up, I would go in to him, and I would do milk if he wanted it, and cuddles, but we didn’t leave his bedroom. Then once we’d been doing that for a week or two, I started putting him in the cot when he was pretty much asleep but not quite, and stroking his back until he went off, then once he got that, I stopped the stroking his back, then I started putting him down more and more awake over time.

For putting him down awake I do pick up, put down, so if he cries I pick him up, then put him straight back down again.

BuildingQuote · 06/04/2019 04:40

Oh you poor thing, I have been there.

Could she have anything underlying like stomach ache as has she been sick a bit as a baby and if so have you tried cutting dairy out of your diet to see if it helps? Our eldest was so similar in waking all time and despite repeated visits to Gp as she then went on to have ‘toddler diarrhea’ it took sooo long for me to find out she had dairy and wheat intolerance. She turned the corner when we realised.
It may not be helpful in your situation but worth being sure.
I really do feel for you and do you nap in the day when she does when at all possible?

I totally understand you putting her in the cot as I tried this but it didn’t last as she didn’t cope with it well. Is there anyone else who can have her near them and reassure her if needed?

And you are doing so well , it will get better. I am thinking of you so much as found it so so hard being so tired and my baby is now nearly a teen and so easy and delightful. These challenges disappear in the end but hang on in there and let go of unecessary house work and rest where you can

BuildingQuote · 06/04/2019 04:41

Fennellas advice on transitioning to cot ^^ sounds great - I wish I’d done this!

maras2 · 06/04/2019 04:44

You poor thing.
I had one of these 43 years ago and still traumatised.

user1483387154 · 06/04/2019 04:51

I totally understand how you feel. My so woke every 2 hours till 19 months.

VashtaNerada · 06/04/2019 04:59

God, babies can be little bastards sometimes! It is so awful at the time but you can and will emerge the other side of this

todayiwin · 06/04/2019 05:07

Your will needs to be stronger than hers. Mine was exactly the same, high needs until 2.5yrs old, didn't ever crawl so that ruled out everyone's "this and that milestone"

It's HELL! ... the days are awful. You have my deepest empathy. IT WILL PASS, they get older and more independent.

My high needs DC put me off ever having another baby.

My DC is nearly 6 now and the most delightful character, still sensitive and highly emotional but everything I could've dreamed of.

I want to hug you

gerispringer · 06/04/2019 05:07

As She’s one I would wean her off the breast. If she’s eating well during the day she shouldn’t need milk at night. It was only when I stopped bf that I had a decent nights sleep with any of mine.

Lolly34h · 06/04/2019 05:12

I tried breastfeeding and my baby cried for hours. I spoke to the health visitor and decided to try formula and she's the most settled baby now. Sometimes breastfeeding doesn't work and your not a bad mom for considering changing x

mathanxiety · 06/04/2019 05:16

to you.
I was in your shoes with DC4. I went on to have DC5, whose infancy and toddlerhood felt like a holiday by comparison

Don't be sucked into feeling that there is some magic key to unlocking your baby's sleep potential (or yours) or making your days more productive and less maddening. In particular, don't torture yourself thinking there is some simple thing that you have overlooked that might have made a difference. The implication in a lot of advice people IRL impart is that you are failing at parenting - too soft, too harsh and all points in between. The way others feel about you and the baby can result in a feeling that you are very alone, very isolated.

I really urge you to get and read (assuming you can see straight) William and Martha Sears' book "The Fussy Baby Book: Parenting Your High Need Child From Birth to Age 5". The high needs baby used to be called 'the difficult baby' - there is a switch in framing that is significant for the Sears.
www.amazon.ca/The-Fussy-Baby-Book-Parenting/dp/0316779164
There is a chapter on mother burnout.

You will feel more confident that 'this too will pass' when you read the book. Also that you are not doing anything wrong and you just have a baby whose needs are different from the majority. For me, it was easier to cope when I thought that this was a form of normal (albeit one I wouldn't wish on anyone).

My DC4 finally slept through the night at age 2.5ish.
.

blackcat86 · 06/04/2019 05:21

Do you have anyone with you for support OP? Have you contacted your HV? I get that your frustrated but you need to teach her to self settle in a managed way and CIO rarely achieves that well. This is not some character flaw of your daughter's, she simply needs you for comfort which will happen if you bf and co sleep with no intro to a cot or self settling. You've done more than enough doing this for a year. Look up self settling techniques online and then your daughter can get herself back to sleep when she wakes. I've used the little ones sleep programme and DD slept through from 5.5 months because she feeds and sleeps well in the day. Would your daughter sleep in the car or buggy after lunch? She may be overtired and/ or hungry.

Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow · 06/04/2019 06:00

It is horrific and I remember it well. So tough.

Could she have an intolerance? Mine had silent reflux - sleep was dreadful until we got it under control. MN threads a plenty on it

Aprilalice · 06/04/2019 06:43

Hiya OP, I was in a very similar situation a few of months back with my 16month old DS. I was BF and mostly co-sleeping (straight in bed when he woke during the night), I would feed him back to sleep but he started to wake more and more and would want BF everytime. I stopped BF cold turkey, which was a difficult couple of days/nights but eventually it started to get easier. I then started to lay him in his cot for bedtime after his bedtime routine, at first he really hated it and would cry but I stayed next to the cot and just rubbed his back/face and after about 2 weeks I can put him down with no tears and sometimes he wants me to rub his back sometimes he wriggles away . I hope your ok OP, it’s so difficult I still need to crack the day time naps because I still hold him . He sleeps 7pm-6am now with now wake ups, fingers crossed you get some sleep soon

Jamhandprints · 06/04/2019 06:55

Do you have a partner or helpful relative or friend OP? You can't change the baby but you definitely need a break. If nobody can help you could find a child minder to have her once a week for a bit of respite. Especially in the holidays they may have spaces. You could send all the children and catch up on sleep.
It's up to you if you want to stop breastfeeding now. You've done a year, that's amazing! She has food now so could have formula or cows milk if she's one. You could give her a bottle before you go to bed and she may get used to sleeping a few more hours.
I'd imagine shell still sleep better in your bed though.

Iggly · 06/04/2019 06:58

Have you ruled out silent reflux? Or tongue tie? Is she a happy baby?

EdtheBear · 06/04/2019 07:14

Ok she's one, wean her off the breast at night.
Pub shuts at 10pm doesn't reopen until 7am. Make sure you have a top on. First few nights will be tough going. So do it at a weekend or when your partner is around.

My first was like that. Never sttn until 2 but things got a heck of a lot of better once I'd weaned her off at night. Went from waking multiple times to waking once, coming into our bed and settling with hugs.

Margot33 · 06/04/2019 07:27

Do you want to start bottle feeding formula, so you can have more breaks from the baby as you partner can do it?

Bethan369 · 06/04/2019 07:31

My DS was like this. The only thing that helped us was stopping the bfing. He was 14 months old at the time and I was slowly loosing my mind through sleep deprivation. The broken sleep was affecting him too.

It was hard to stop but absolutely the right thing to do for both of us.

Good luck and well done for surviving this far! It’s really really challenging.

RoseReally · 06/04/2019 07:36

My DD was like this. I also didn't sleep for more than 3 hours in a row for well over a year, it was awful. She started to sleep for longer when I stopper breastfeeding her at night. Also I would advise trying to stop co-sleeping before she gets too big, my DD is in a bed now but still comes into my bed pretty much every night- it's really hard to stop that now as she can just get out of bed by herself and walk in! Need to sort it out before number 2 arrives...

Good luck and , I know how sould destroying it is.

DinosApple · 06/04/2019 07:39

She is one, so she doesn't need bf through the night. If you can night wean that would be a great help.

If you want to stop bf all together - and providing there is no intolerances - she can go straight onto cow's milk. Follow on formula is unnecessary. Also, as she is one she won't need a bottle. Is she walking yet?

Fenella's suggestion for transitioning to the cot is a good one.

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