I cannot do this anymore. I've just left the baby.

[imaginate]

Shes one and I've not had a full night's sleep since she was born. I've not had longer than 3 hours uninterrupted sleep and this is rare. She cosleeps. I'm bf and she wakes up a million times in the night looking for me. She doesn't sleep well during the day either and I have to have her in my arms whilst she naps. When she is awake she's too clingy and I don't get anything done. I have other kids and I literally don't know how I've coped for so long. She's getting me so down.

People kept telling me it'll get better at 3m. That came round and still hell. Then they'd say 6m then it was wait till she's crawling, it'll get easier. It hasn't and I can't wait for any other magic age / milestone to come round as she is just a nightmare.

Ive just put her in the cot which she's never used and she's just screaming. It sounds awful but I need my sleep and I don't know what to do. Shall I give up bf? How do I get her to sleep in her cot. She won't even nap in there.

I went through this with my DD. I stopped breastfeeding at about six months and transitioned her to the cot as I was going back to work. Hang on in there, you’ve got this x

Oh God love you, my first was like that, it nearly broke me and I only had him to look after. Number 2 wasn't as bad, but she was similar. I'd night wean. Google Jay Gordon night weaning. That's the method I used. It was hard but quite quick. It sounds like your baby needs you quite a lot, so I don't think letting her cry is going to be very pleasant, and might be damaging. So I'd start with night weaning. It WILL get better. But I don't know when.

Understanding that my child was not going to end up damaged for life for being allowed to cry from time to time has saved my sanity ...and his.

Solidarity op x

Every sympathy op, my first was like this and would scream until they were sick. They didn't sleep for more than 30 minutes at a time either. Eventually slept through at 24months by which time I was pregnant with dc3 and worried about how I'd cope. Luckily that baby was the complete opposite!

DD was like this. Literally thought I was going to lose my mind. I put her in her cot one night and lay on the floor so she could still see me but she was fucking furious. I was so completely knackered I actually fell asleep on the floor even with all the racket she was making. Woke up and she was still yelling so I just lay there and she fell asleep. This happened every night for a while then it progressed to me reading a story to her on the floor then lying there. Then I would be able to leave after half an hour or so, 15 mins, straight away. Took months but we got there. Good luck OP.

I agree with others. Stopping feeding him at night and letting him cry for a bit at 12 months is not going to do him any damage. He won't like it, but honestly, you putting him into a cot and patting his back instead of holding him is entirely reasonable. He's not being abandoned. He knows you're there. He might be bloody furious and cry a lot, but you will be able to ride it out and come to a new normal. Developmentally and physically your dc is completely different to how they were when they were 3 months old and needed you / milk in the night. As they get older their needs change and its appropriate that what you do as a parent changes too.

All of my dcs were terrible sleepers. It's awful. You have my deepest sympathy. And if its any consolation, as they get older you really do forget about the sleep bit. Good luck.

I had the same with my son, eventually stopped BF at 13 months, controlled crying for 1 night in his cot and he's slept since.

I actually think there is a lot of unhelpful and irrelevant advice so far - the OP has said her dc is 1yo, therefore weaning to formula is ridiculous when she’s bf for 12 months so far and advising in weaning your dc at 6 months isn’t really going to help the OP.

I reckon you have 2 issues to tackle and they’re separate and require separate interventions but can be linked - milk and sleep.

Milk
You need to decide if you want to continue BF as you have 3 options: either wean, reduce ( stop milk at night) or stop completely.

Whilst the WHO recommends bf for 2 years, stopping bf at 12 months is fairly common, especially if DC are on a healthy diet of solid foods.

Some use follow on milk (personally this is a con) others give cows milk or non dairy milk. Your choice.

The option of weaning can be started by night weaning. This gives the option to then wean completely, or just stick to feeding during the day (which I have experience of, also with a velcro baby, and ended up still feeding until 2.3yr)

I have experience of night weaning following the Dr Jay Gordon method. It is a very gentle weaning method which had great results. We instantly also saw a change in DC food intake (which was good anyway but she notched it up when she wasn’t getting milk during the night). This all then linked to her routine during the day and me constantly offering more food to her; which then linked to her sleep.....

Sleep
As others have said, it’ll be dependent on your daily routine now.

Structure, fresh air, play time, naps etc are all helpful. There are tons of methods which you need to have a look into to decide what would work best for you.

The structure then supports the evening routine.

I bf’d to sleep but from around 12 months, DH became “in charge” of putting to bed. She’d be fed downstairs, then go up with DH who’s do a combination of bath, funny stories, cold milk in an open or sippy cup, cuddles and music. If she requested bf I would go up, feed for 15 seconds and tell her it had all gone until the morning. DH would then offer cold milk and cuddles.

This is only my experience but it was mainly successful - of course teething / illness etc would throw it out. But she became more and more used to DH putting to bed and less reliant on me doing that, which also helped with milk reliance and our thing, as someone else said, was no milk between certain times (9-6)

At around 13 months, we also changed the cot to a cot bed. Instant difference. We thought it was too young but it recommended to us, and definitely made a huge difference to her sleep.

Hope all of this helps
Sleep deprivation is awful and I completely understand your reasons for leaving baby. I think there are definitely other more gentle ways to help her routine.

It gets better when you sleep train your baby. If you won't do it your you could get prof help. You must be exhausted 💐it is horrible when you're tired to the marrow of your bones. Do you have a partner do they do a share of the night? Have you tried goug to bed same time as baby at 7pm?

But yes, proper sleep routine is the key. Unf you've learned that the hard way 💐

I’m gonna get absolutely battered for the following but here goes:

#1 To be still bfing when she is 1 is amazing. But it’s time to stop. Wean her off bm and into cows milk OR formula. You need your body back.

#2 it’s likely your leaned sleep patterns are fucked. Reach out to GP and HV now.

#3 only and only if you can afford it then get sleep nanny intervention, if you are in London I can recommend Brenda the nanny. Failing that FOR YOUR SANITY may I recommend you follow either The No Cry Sleep Solution OR Gina Ford to the letter and cease co sleeping ASAP. You need a space in your house that is “yours” exclusively.

#4 consistency. Same bedtime every night and the same routing every day (give or take ie lunch, dinner at the same time etc).

You are likely boggled, both physically and emotionally. When I don’t get my sleep i am a shouty, anxious mum and I hate myself. I absolutely promise you that she won’t be psychologically damaged if you leave her to cry. Granted it’s gonna be a shock to what she’s used to but thems the breaks and she has to adapt to the rhythm of your family and not you all working round her.

I’m not even gonna ask if you are getting family and DH support but if you are just reach out and use them, even if it’s to put one of them in front of CBeebies with your baby for 2 hours whilst you crash upstairs.

THE BEST OF LUCK xxxx

Sorry I haven’t RTFT.

Just wanted to say, I bf to 9 months and had same experience. DS had dairy intolerance and egg allergy. Not long after we switched to (dairy free) formula and followed a free-from diet, he started sleeping 5 hour stretches, then 6 or 7. It was like heaven!

Had to push GP to refer to paediatrician to get tested, up to then I’d heard ‘normal, normal, normal’ from midwives, HVs and GPs.

Good luck OP x

@imaginate My DD was the same, I would rock her to sleep and it would take at least 3 times of putting her down as she would wake up then as soon as she realised I wasn't close by she would wake up and I had to do it all over again, sometimes taking up to an hour at 1yo! So in the end I just gave her a bottle of warm milk sat next to her cot with my back to her and left her to cry, she finally went to sleep after 40 mins but it took about a week of that and twice in the night before she realised I wasn't going to rock her anymore.

She still isn't the perfect sleeper, she is almost 3 and either wakes once in the night or gets up at 6AM

My eldest son was like this. And like you, I got to the point several times of just putting him down somewhere safe and leaving the room.

For us, it did get a bit easier once I stopped BFing over night. When he was about 15m old, I hit rock bottom and we decided to stop. DH made up a bed in his room and slept with him. DS was a bit distressed in and off over the first couple of nights, but we knew he was safe, he had his daddy and he was offered cow milk and water (which he rejected. DH gave him cuddles. By night five, he only woke a couple of times, and went back to sleep fairly quickly when he saw it was DH there.

This wasn’t a magic cure, but it did make the nights bareable. I never did get DS1 down in his cot without feeding, but I started pushing for naps in his buggy, so that I didn’t need to be underneath him, and that helped too.

DS is now 6. He’s still very emotional, but he’s also an amazing, loving little boy.

Good luck OP.

We are now on night 4 of no feeds between 10-7... He still wakes up though.. Last night he had 280ml cows milk at 7pm followed by another 60 when he woke am hour later at 8 but then no milk after that he works at 12 but was rocked back to sleep in 10/15 mins and then woke again at 315 when he eventually allowed himself to be rocked to sleep at 5 and then slept to just after 7.. It's still now ideal but I can't do cry it out and it is at least better than breastfeeding for an hour every other hour all night which is what we had got to.
I do also have a small buggy in his bedroom atm and if all else fails I put him in his and push him back and forth until he falls asleep.
I'm hoping eventually he gets to know he won't get milk no matter how long or often he wakes during the night and then sleeps longer at night.. I dunno if it will work.
Am intrigued by the idea of swapping from Cot to cot bed.. I thought it was too early for that. Ds is 13 months but I do wonder if it would be easier as I could just lie with him while he falls asleep (if he let's me) then sneak away

Mine is the same. I don’t know what the solution is. I’ve been trying to avoid feeding to sleep unless he’s inconsolable, so now he rolls over and goes back to sleep maybe 50% of the time. The other 50% if I don’t feed him he gets absolutely hysterical. I had to take the bars off the cot because he screamed till he puked every time I put him in it. It hasn’t helped - he still won’t lie in his bed, he wants to snuggle up to someone. My life is literally over because I have to go to bed at 7.30 every night. I won’t be having any more children because of how naughty this one is.

I cracked at 14 months with this. I pretty much did what Fenella did but I didn't offer milk at night, just water. 3 nights in and I got a full stretch of sleep from 9 until half 5. It was awesome.

For your own health and your baby's I'd try and change her over but speaking to your health visitor before you change her main source of food that's all she's known from when she was born is the best way to go.

I third Jay Gordon- did it with 17 month old twins who’d been cosleeping and breastfeeding every 90 min from birth, took three nights and they’ve slept all night every night ever since. I carried on breastfeeding during the day and never left them to cry alone. Changed my life!

If she's safe in her cot, then screaming won't do her any harm. When I was at breaking point I would put my DC in their cots, close the door and let them cry. Sometimes what you need more than anything is just a bit of personal space and you sound utterly touched out after a year of a velcro baby.

At a year old she doesn't need to feed at night unless she is underweight or malnourished. If she is a healthy weight and developing normally then she is perfectly capable to sleeping through the night. Whether you choose to give up BFing or not is up to you, but I would night wean her immediately (i.e. BF before bed and then don't feed again until the morning and by 'morning' I mean 6am at the earliest).

Your sanity matters! Stop running yourself ragged or you won't be any use to anyone. You're the boss. Figure out a routine that works for YOU and then figure out how to introduce it. The advice about gradual changes from Fenella is spot on.

For my sanity I refused to bf dd in the night from around 18m. She basically mauled me all night long. Then she stayed in her cot and I didn’t get her till morning. She would wake up and cry but I didn’t get her out. She soon settled after a few nights and we both got a full nights sleep which made us both a lot happier.

My only comment is you should probably have done it a bit sooner. Current parenting and the notion of a perpetually smiling content child does mother’s (and babies a huge disservice).

Putting a baby in their cot, letting them scream themselves to sleep.does no harm. Exactly the opposite. They learn they can sleep without the need for a constant maternal presence. The learn to sleep. Usually they learn very quickly - 3 or 4 nights of teeth gritting determination by parents results in a happier family.

Sleep deprivation isn’t good for anyone. It fractured relationships, we mothers resentful and less responsive to their child’s needs.

Well done for recognising your very human limitations and acting appropriately.

We didn't make it to a year, but I do know some of what you are feeling. We struggled with DS, now almost 7 months. The first 3 months would only sleep on us, then slowly I got him to sleep on his back co-sleeping with me, at first for 20 minute spells, then 45, and a few times up to 2 hours, but it was killing us.

Then at 6 months we sleep trained. Its was the worst 10 days of our lives, but things are so much better. He went from going ti bed with me at 9pm, feeding to sleep, co-sleeping, waking every 45 min, to going to bed awake, in his own room, in his own cot at 7.15pm. He still wakes in the night, usually only 3 times.

Last night he woke at 1am for a feed, then that was him till 7am. It's bliss and i feel like I've got my life back!

I know sleep training isn't for everyone, but we had to. I posted not long ago about our troubles, I might go and update it as many people suggested sleep training. I know this too shall pass is a good quote, and I firmly believe that goes for good and bad times!

How are you OP?