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Original poster

My Husband Has Left

52 replies

disneygirl26 · 31/03/2019 21:59

4 weeks ago when I came back off holiday my husband told me he's not in love with me anymore and was going back to his dad's. He had taken most of his clothes out of the wardrobe but has left anything valuable and sentimental, left his shoes etc. When I ask him what he wants to do with his stuff or what is going on he wouldn't answer me. He's been hot and cold, for the first 2 weeks of our split he text me, called me to see how I was and saw me a couple of times a week and we would talk and make progress but then something changed, in the last 2 weeks he has said he'll see me and when I recommend dates/times he wouldn't reply. He says he'll call then doesn't but if you call him he wouldn't answer. He's said he's considering coming home. If I say he's sending mixed messages he says he isn't and yesterday text me to say he's happier without me and 100% with his decision and he's ignored me because he's annoyed that no one believes that this is the right decision. We've been together for 7 years but only married for 10 months and before this happened he didn't give any inclining he wasn't happy. The day before he did this he'd even got for breakfast with my dad talking about booking me a holiday for my birthday and 2 weeks before we had a normal Valentine's Day. I'm so confused about what to do! If I don't talk to him he finds a reason why I've annoyed him and if I talk to him he says I've annoyed him and ignores me anyway!

OP posts:
Palominoo · 31/03/2019 22:01

Give him a set date to collect his stuff or its going to the charity shop.

He is keeping you dangling.. For your own sanity be proactive about moving on from him.

AdoraBell · 31/03/2019 22:04

Bag his stuff up and drop it off at his Dads when he is at work, presuming he has a job.

He is playing with your head. Stop giving the head space. Concentrate on yourself. Get some legal advice. Do you work?

AdoraBell · 31/03/2019 22:06

Actually, Palomimo put it better, rather than take the stuff his Dads put the onus on him to collect it, but don’t engage if he turns up to collect it.

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Relationship problems
IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 31/03/2019 22:11

Whole he's out of the house get legal advice on how to keep him out. Moving out means he does lose some rights iirc. You have to take the power back and not be having him drop in and out at will - it will mess with your head too much.

Obviously if you split, you have to sort a fair settlement, but that doesn't mean letting him walk all over you in the meantime.
I think there may be another woman in the picture. Men don't just go from happy to unhappy imo, without someone else on the fringes.

Hearhere · 31/03/2019 22:11

Get all of his stuff out of your house asap
the reason is left it is because he wants a reason to keep going back and to keep you dangling
the stuff is a placeholder, it represents his foot in the door, get rid of it

SoleBizzz · 31/03/2019 22:12

Bag his stuff up. Put it outside. Tell him. Stop chasing him. Never take him back. Ever.

Hearhere · 31/03/2019 22:12

I think there's another woman and he's trying to weigh up his two options, trying to make you both do a little dance for him
I believe it's called The pick me dance

Hearhere · 31/03/2019 22:13

It sounds as if something happened whilst you're on holiday, do you know what that could be?

Troels · 31/03/2019 22:14

He's keeping you hanging on as his back up plan, but playing the field looking for something better/more fun.
Cut him lose. Bag up his stuff and drop it at his Dads when he isn't there so you don't even have to see him. Then go no contact while you get stuff sorted out, house, banking, etc. He's an Ass.

CheekyFuckersDontGetPastMe · 31/03/2019 22:14

I agree with all of the above. Take back your control.

Singlenotsingle · 31/03/2019 22:15

There's an OW lurking around somewhere in the background.

Hearhere · 31/03/2019 22:16

It sounds as if you'd now been relegated to plan b

ReallyReallyNo · 31/03/2019 22:17

He’s playing games with you, keeping you on a string while he fucks around and decides if he wants the new woman or you.
Bag up his shit and take it to his Dads.
Cry your tears, pick yourself up and take the fucker to the cleaners.

icelollycraving · 31/03/2019 22:17

I too think there may be another woman. Don’t do the pick me dance.
Stop contacting him. Pack his stuff up and tell him as he feels he’s made the right choice, you are going to make it easier and let him go. Flowers

ReallyReallyNo · 31/03/2019 22:18

Actually it’s probably more until he’s sure he’s got the new woman you’re the back up
Incase it falls through.

Singlenotsingle · 31/03/2019 22:25

Sometimes getting married feels like the door has closed behind you, rather than opening up to a new future. Especially when you've been together a long time (and I see you were together 7 years before getting married). I've felt that myself in the past, and it's why me and my dp will never get married.

Original poster
disneygirl26 · 01/04/2019 08:02

Thanks everyone. I have thought there's another women he's swore there isn't as he hates cheating as his mum left his dad. Before I went away I kicked him out for the night and we talked about me being unhappy so not sure if he's tried to beat me to it and now can't find a way back? That's the only reason I can think he wouldn't say he's 100% done to my face because he can't say it and it's easier to text it.

OP posts:
NorthernLurker · 01/04/2019 08:04

There is ALWAYS another woman.

Original poster
disneygirl26 · 01/04/2019 09:12

I've had legal advice but when I mentioned the solicitor to him he hit the roof and said I'm ruining his life. So confusing because he's the one who left! He's blowing hot and cold then radio silence

OP posts:
Palominoo · 01/04/2019 09:16

He's hedging his bets.

The woman he is seeing might be keeping him dangling so he isn't ready to jump ship until she commits.

You are better than that.

If things deteriorated since you got married he hasn't even tried to work things out, he's distanced himself, moved out and is trearly you badly.

Stop enabling him and tell him you only get one shit at life and you want to spend it with someone 100% committed to you. He isn't so it's BYE BYE.

Palominoo · 01/04/2019 09:17

One shot I meant

HarrySnotter · 01/04/2019 09:18

If you were unhappy enough to kick him out, things have obviously not been good for a while, things were obviously not 'normal'. I would suggest that you get him to come and get his stuff and move on.

Hearhere · 01/04/2019 10:42

he is a chaotic gaslighting piece of shit
don't even bother trying to work out what's going on with him just get rid of him

Original poster
disneygirl26 · 01/04/2019 11:37

He's been being very disrespectful of the house which is why I asked him to leave. If he wouldn't see me he must he hiding something!

OP posts:
SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 01/04/2019 12:37

Don't try to understand his rationale. He is gaslighting you and blowing hot and cold to manipulate you into believing his decision to leave is your fault.

It also sounds as if he hasn't quite made his mind up whether this split is temporary or permanent and is trying to keep you confused to keep his options open. There may or may not be another woman but at the moment I would focus on current unreasonable behaviour.

Take back control, if you pander to his mind games then they will continue. Bag his stuff up and drop it off at his dads - you can inform him of this but don't ask his permission. Continue to seek legal advice, you are not ruining his life by protecting yourself legally. Obviously you have been married less than a year so you may have to wait a short while if you wish to divorce. Demonstrate that you will not be messed about or be left dangling while he solely decides on the future of your marriage.

Even if you decide to reconcile it is still important to assert yourself in this situation.