Retired and lost

[SevenSeasofRye]

I wonder if anyone can relate to my situation. My OH retired recently after many years in a very high pressure job working very long hours. For years we had talked about retirement and how we could finally have some time and space to travel, spend time together etc. I did not work for the last few years of his working life, but was pursuing other interests.
We have ended up moving to a city. I didn't want to move to a city, wanted to move to the country, keep chickens , get a dog, go for lots of walks. The reason we moved here was for complex family reasons, and it hasn't worked out the way we expected it to. Money is tight as most of it went into buying the house, and we feel we can't sell for several years or we will make a loss.

I don't like the house. I didn't like it from the off. It was bought in a rush for complex reasons again.
Both of us feel depressed and isolated. T he neighbours don't talk to us, and attempts to join groups etc haven't worked as they seem to be full of people older than us which makes us feel more depressed. We haven't got any friends. The family relationships which we moved here for have not turned out to be a support. There is no community, and the traffic and lack of countryside are really getting me down.
There are other issues too which prevent us from travelling too much, apart from the expense.
We have really tried, and my OH has joined a club on his own which he is enjoying, but it's taking more and more of his time, leaving me feeling marooned.

I know i should be making more effort but i am gradually feeling more and more demotivated, and thinking increasingly about how soon we can sell, with no idea where to go when we do. It's all a mess.
I have thought about looking for a job, but realistically at my age after such a long gap there aren't many options, and I don't want to be doing something I hate at this stage just to get out of the house.
I am getting really depressed and stuck in a rut. For years I cultivated friendships and interests on my own whilst he worked all the time. I am tired of doing things alone, I want us to do things together. However we end up going for the same walks every day and spending too much in coffee shops. I know this sounds pathetic. We have a good relationship, but it feels like we're both drowning.

Cut your losses and move . Not too remote but somewhere that suits you better. Seriously dont wste what time you have left being miserable.
Also volunteering etc a good way to gain new friends and fit in .
Good luck x

I think if it's getting you down then whether you make a loss or not you should consider moving. What's the point in being there if it hasn't worked out?

Life is short and you should be enjoying yourself because it's later than you think.

Stop tolerating being miserable and do something about it!

Cross post with flapjack

Yep, just move. Why spend whats supposed to be a great time, in misery?

find somethign you like doing, and join the club for it

do you have a dog? or time for a dog?

dont be depressed that the people are older than you. age is immaterial

Are you not interested in whatever DH's new club does? Is it not something you can do together?

Otherwise I would say just take the financial hit and sell up. Move to wherever you want to be. Tbh, when my dp and I were house hunting, we took 2 years searching and thoroughly enjoyed the time roaming the countryside. We looked at houses from the outside, had lunch in little pubs and tea rooms, and made appointments to view if there was something we liked. It was almost a hobby with a purpose. We've been in this house now for 16 years.

Lots of life changes then; no wonder you are finding it tough. We relocated from one end of the country to the other four years ago to be nearer family. That didn't work out either but we were very very lucky that we chose a small village with good neighbours all round and even walking to the village shop can take an hour because so many people want to chat.

I do know what you mean about trying groups only to find the other members are so much older than you, however. I tried a few organised events here but they just weren't for me. Have you thought about volunteering instead? Some cause or charity that already has your interest or support? I do one afternoon a week at the local hospital shop and am part of a team of all ages and abilities and we have a laugh, as well as doing our bit. There's also a group I read about recently in the Telegraph called Together Friends, specifically for older women wanting to meet up with other women solely for friendship. It got a good write-up. Haven't tried it myself but am keeping the idea tucked up my sleeve in case it's needed in the future.

Good luck, SevenSeas, hope you find something that will make life feel more positive.

I have looked at volunteering, but keep coming up against dead ends. One of the things we were going to do was befriend elderly people but were put off by the organisers who were very strange. My Oh's hobby is not something I'm interested in and is all men.
OH has said he can't face moving again for at least 2 years. We moved from rented where we were a year so it's been really traumatic on a number of fronts. I think we need to know where we want to go though!

Singing your village sounds ideal. I'd love to know where you live.
I think I need somewhere with great countryside but lots to do and access to the city if needed. Good transport links too.

Could you give yourself a goal to learn something new? Like a new language, or a new subject? Make the most of courses and workshops in your city. It might give you a sense of achievement and purpose

Can you volunteer at a school? be a dinner lady for money? get a small job a couple of mornings a week?
Join a Meet up group?

Join a choir?
a keep fit group?
zumba class?
slimming world?

get an allotment?

Are there any parks or city farms you could visit/be a volunteer? I grew up in the countryside but now live in a city and I can see the pros and cons of both. I see so many people retiring to the area where I grew up and it’s wonderful so long as they are fit, well and have access to a car. Fast forward some years and possible ill health or other problems and it becomes a real issue that there are two buses a day and the GP surgery is in the next town. Cities, on the other hand, can be as you describe: overcrowded and isolating. It often depends on the character of the city or the area of it where you live (if it’s a big city). If the area where you live isn’t your thing, another area might be and you may not have to move far. Do you have a garden or an allotment? Some will allow you to keep a few chickens. In ither words, there may be some things that are accessible to you without another major move.

Oh dear how rotten for you. There but for the grace of God etc. Moved back to UK about 9 years ago for various complex reasons and had to rent then buy without selling up abroad so had to settle for something less than we wanted. However, we have been lucky and we love our new surroundings and after a lot of work, our home.

In your situation I would be thinking seriously about selling, taking a hit on the price and moving somewhere cheaper as a city will always be more expensive than the sticks. In terms of filling your time volunteering in a food bank, charity shop etc could be a way forward.
Regarding classes and clubs I go to Zumba Gold, the ages are mixed from about 55 to 80, age doesn't matter as we all do our own thing to our own pace - some of the oldest are the best at it! Socially its interesting finding out about new people regardless of their age over a coffee, you don't have to develop a big friendship.

If you have a car go out for a drive and find some more interesting towns and places in the locality, a country pub, access to different walks etc. If you don't drive get a train to somewhere and explore there. You aren't trapped when you live in a city, there must be interesting places to go.

Regarding travel, it can be done on the cheap, try Airbnb somewhere or a long term rental in somewhere like France or Spain, out of season you can rent for less than 500 euros a month. Okay it may not be the dream holiday you were hoping for but you might love it.
You need to try and haul yourself out of this and quickly by being imaginative and thinking outside of the box. Retirement should be a happy time, I hope you find some happiness soon.

We made the same mistake. Moved house after retirement and hated it. We cut our losses and sold after 9 miserable months moving back to where we'd lived before. . Fve years on now and we are so glad we did it. Yes.. We lost quite a lot of money which means our current house is considerably smaller than the one we'd left but we are both happy. As for what to do, I struggled with this. In the end we got a dog and I do agility with her in a friendly club, I took up golf (I am very bad) which means I can always find someone to play with/have coffee and I volunteer at a local auction house. None of this was easy as I did it alone but it has been worth it. Good luck. It is hard and I do understand

You need to see retirement as "work" and structure your week with different activities . Start off the week with a full days volunteering. You are in a city so there will be charities, gardens, hospices, hospitals, care homes, schools looking for competent, organised volunteers to help.

Then sort out a well being activity for another morning , preferably something fairly social like a walking group where you can talk to people.

Then check out your local cinema, do they run a silver screen day, the same people tend to go to these and its easy to start chatting when you have seen the same film.

Find a class doing something creative , writing, painting, dressmaking, doesn't matter if you have never done it before.

The point is work structures our week for us without us realising it, and if you don't put something in the vacuum when work finishes then it's easy to feel lost and a bit aimless. Once you have a few set commitments in place you will be more motivated to do other things ( or chill out and do nothing) in the spaces left . Don't worry if you chop and change until you find things you really enjoy doing, the point is initially to give yourself defined reasons for going out, seeng people, doing things. The rest will slot into place.

Could you rent out your house and then rent another where you want to live? We did much the same, while house is okay it isn’t a friendly area, very cliquey and not a lot going on locally.

Look at university of the third age. It's been a lifesaver for my parent.

How old are you both? Your options at 60 are different from the ones at 70.

I understand your problem. I'm 61 and currently working full time. In the past 6 months, first, my mother died and I should inherit enough from her to pay off the mortgage, and second, I've been offered a very interesting part-time opportunity, which would involve giving cover over a number of locations rather than working in the same place alongside the same people day in day out. I could possibly go part-time on the current job and do both, but DW wants me to semi-retire and just do the new opportunity. I worry, though, that my identity is tied up the current workplace and that without it I will feel adrift.

I think do a course or learn a new skill. Although I think I'd move.

Also, do you have children? Sometimes people of our age end up moving again because adult children start to need us around.

U3A
Charity shop volunteering
Dog walking
Gym
Crafting for charity
Golf

The point is that you have to find some way of providing a structure to the week, otherwise there is little point to the days. When we first moved, I used to go and walk around just for something to do and it’s taken me a couple of years to find a routine.

That sounds really stressful, no wonder you are unhappy. We moved house in a panic when I was pregnant to a new area and I was so lonely, I do know how you feel.

Some good suggestions here about activities and clubs to try; and hopefully when one or two years have passed and your OH can contemplate moving again it's time to live elsewhere.

In the meantime U3A and your local Age UK will probably have some interesting activities and classes. Don't be put off if you are in your 60s and other members are in their 80s, in fact you can revel in being the spring chickens!

If DH has met a few men through his hobby, could he not invite some of them plus their wives round for drinks? You could meet a nice female friend of two.