Retired and lost

[SevenSeasofRye]

I wonder if anyone can relate to my situation. My OH retired recently after many years in a very high pressure job working very long hours. For years we had talked about retirement and how we could finally have some time and space to travel, spend time together etc. I did not work for the last few years of his working life, but was pursuing other interests.
We have ended up moving to a city. I didn't want to move to a city, wanted to move to the country, keep chickens , get a dog, go for lots of walks. The reason we moved here was for complex family reasons, and it hasn't worked out the way we expected it to. Money is tight as most of it went into buying the house, and we feel we can't sell for several years or we will make a loss.

I don't like the house. I didn't like it from the off. It was bought in a rush for complex reasons again.
Both of us feel depressed and isolated. T he neighbours don't talk to us, and attempts to join groups etc haven't worked as they seem to be full of people older than us which makes us feel more depressed. We haven't got any friends. The family relationships which we moved here for have not turned out to be a support. There is no community, and the traffic and lack of countryside are really getting me down.
There are other issues too which prevent us from travelling too much, apart from the expense.
We have really tried, and my OH has joined a club on his own which he is enjoying, but it's taking more and more of his time, leaving me feeling marooned.

I know i should be making more effort but i am gradually feeling more and more demotivated, and thinking increasingly about how soon we can sell, with no idea where to go when we do. It's all a mess.
I have thought about looking for a job, but realistically at my age after such a long gap there aren't many options, and I don't want to be doing something I hate at this stage just to get out of the house.
I am getting really depressed and stuck in a rut. For years I cultivated friendships and interests on my own whilst he worked all the time. I am tired of doing things alone, I want us to do things together. However we end up going for the same walks every day and spending too much in coffee shops. I know this sounds pathetic. We have a good relationship, but it feels like we're both drowning.

I feel for you

I wonder if it's worth taking the loss? you say you don't know where you would go but were you all right where you lived before?

it's probably worth keeping an eye on groups etc in case the dynamic changes and they appeal to you more.

But I hear you on the lack of green space etc - I can't move for complex family reasons but I will. The better weather just highlights how grim it is round here tbh - I want to go out for more walks but it's not the therapeutic experience it could be!

Honestly OP, I think you should take the financial hit and move.
Quality of life is so important and none of us know what is round the corner.
My life imploded just a month after I retired. I had so many plans, all snatched away in an instant.
Get cracking and look for your ideal home. Spend some time visiting areas you like.
DH and I have discovered airbnb and it has been a great way to do some short trips.

It's a little village just outside Bath. We wanted to live in Bath originally but concluded sadly that we could only afford a shoebox (possibly with lid) so expanded the search to any village within an eight mile radius. There's lots, all friendly, much more affordable, and they would tick all the boxes you mention. I could drive from our house to the Royal Crescent in less than 25 minutes on a good day so not living in Bath itself is no hardship. I love the West Country and although relocating was hard, I don't regret it.

I really hope, SevenSeas, that you and your OH find somewhere you would both like to live when the time is right for you and in the meantime, that you find something that you would enjoy spending time on.

Do you really believe your husband will move in two or three years? If he can’t face it now it will only be harder when he has more established friendships and is more settled, not to mention older. I think that if you are unhappy you should push for a move sooner rather than later. Perhaps your ‘job’ for the moment could be to spend time researching possible areas to move to. You need to be really thorough so that you know you are going to the right place this time. Research online, drive around, book an Airbnb and go and stay for a few days, check out local groups, volunteering opportunities, public transport etc.

Maybe if you told us where you live or even the general area there may be posters on here that live there or near by that could give you ideas for different places to visit/meet new people.

I don't know if anyone on MM still does but there used to be local meet ups maybe look and see if there's one going on local to you.

I think we're both totally exhausted to be honest. I love the area near Bath and we were looking around there as well as many other areas. I feel a bit of a fool as I have spent the past few YEARS researching constantly, doing reconnaissance trips, I virtually lived on rightmove, yet we ended up in a house that wasn't really what I had in mind. Our criteria were changing and developing. I think we've learned a lot from renting in a lovely location but no bus service and nothing much going on, particularly in the Winter.
My feelings change according to the weather and what else is going on, but I feel sure I don't want to stay in this house long term. I think once we've been here a year and I still feel the same we will consider taking the hit.
It takes at least 2 years to settle in a place I have found from bitter experience, so maybe I need to just stick with it.

My daughter moved here a few months before we did, and that was one of the main motivations, along with an ailing mother who is elderly. However my daughter has not been able to find a decent job and is a wage slave on awful hours. She is stressed and I don't see her staying here long term either now. My mother does not get on with my children very well and I have a distant relationship with her, so that has proved stressful too. Maybe it just takes time for everything to settle down.
I will look at more volunteering options, and as the weather gets better tings may seem better. I hate winter and never feel great at this time of the year.

Just read all the responses again. I'm finding it very interesting to hear about different people's experiences. My OH IS 60 and I am 57, nearly 58.
I would love a dog but are a bit wary about being tied to the house with one. We are working up to it though and I want to join Borrow my Doggy.
I've started a jewellery making course with my daughter and am thinking of doing a counselling course, though the expense of that makes me worry as I wonder if it's justified when considering how many working years I have left. I know I am relatively young, but if I work for another ten years as a counsellor I am not sure that is worth the outlay. I've applied anyway. Looking at other things too. We do go out most days and do things. I think part of the issue with all this is that i was brought up in this area, and have perhaps sentimentalised it too much. We lived here for a while when our kids were young too, so I think we were trying to recapture the past. The traffic has got much worse and I really notice how unfriendly people are.

Hospital volunteering
And U3A
It may feel artificial and forced at first but with effort you find a community of retired people. My parents do badminton, French and walking with U3A and from that have made friends and have endless coffees, lunches and group walks. They moved here to support me and kids but are always busy - which is so lovely. It wasn’t immediate- but if you invest for a couple of years, you might find there’s a whole diverse retired community. Good luck xx

Aah, just seen you are so young! Part time job? I’m not sure 35 years plus of retirement is good for anyone! And it doesn’t sound like you have abundant cash if you are having to be careful due to the house buy so part time work will keep you occupied and ease the burden a bit.

Look for a local primary school. If you can commit to a set time every week they will welcome you!! Trust me! I know! We have a retired couple who come in to work with us I’m school for a morning each week. They are a godsend. The wife works with the 7 year olds helping out with activity based learning/reading groups etc. The husband is with the older kids. He’s in his element with a maths group or a thinking task. They also help out with school trips etc. We adore them. (And I’m so envious of you. I’m 53...so similar age. But am separated. And so am still working towards retirement from teaching early years. I’ve taught for 30 years. I’d love to be retired and be able to come in to help my colleagues out. Plus....I live near a local dog shelter. They are crying out for people to walk the residents! I do that in the summer when I’m off for them.

These replies are really helpful Thank you.

You may also find that volunteering in a school can lead to paid emergency contract stuff as time goes on eg mid year a child gets classroom asst hours...having a known and trusted pair of hands is far preferable to inviting in a stranger.

You need a job! Part-time, not stressful. Look at it as your moving fund. 57 is young to retire especially in an area you aren't happy. Even 12 hours per week would bring in around 6k a year.

Yes Dona, I am feeling that way myself. I am applying for a Summer temporary job and see where that goes.

I'm not retired but do live in a rural area and spent 12 years at home looking after the children so there are similarities!

My advice would be a) don't romanticise rural living. It can be very difficult as you get older, medical needs increase, hospital probably a long way, poor public transport etc. Chickens are a pain, they dig up your plants, crap everywhere and are a tie when you want to go on holiday. Make the most of what you have rather than pining for a dream.

b) get good quality volunteering opportunities. Look at your interests and see if there's something challenging you can do associated with it, eg zoos/museums/CAB/local tourist attraction/nature reserve/community garden. U3A is also an excellent idea. Pursue an interest rather than join something looking for friends. The latter tends to follow the former.

I second volunteering at a school. I was a parent volunteer whilst SAHM, found it so rewarding. Also school budgets are so stretched now, volunteers are a godsend.

I am now a Governor at school, which again is very rewarding but quite time consuming. Definitely suits people who are time rich.

I've always thought about volunteering for CAB, but at the moment can't commit the time

Move. Even if you lose money. These years are too precious to waste.

Move, and take the loss. Life is too short to have it dictated to by money.

I was looking into volunteering at a nearby stately home. I am also really interested in helping with literacy and reading in schools. I was a TA some years ago. Registered for U3A. I had these plans in the back of my mind but reading the responses has spurred me on!

FIL volunteers with NT and really enjoys it. He has just started with English Heritage as a guide and they pay!

I volunteer in a school and I love it. Our school are constantly asking for helpers in the newsletter and struggle to recruit enough help as so many parents work full time or have toddlers. If you were previously a TA I imagine they would snap your hand off!

Unless there is something bad going on with your health, you are both too young to 'retire'.

My late DM 'retired' from her day job at 58, mainly because my DF was 12 years older than her and so was 70. That basically got her out of the 9-5 and allowed her to claim some pension income. She still 'worked'. She was a lay magistrate and spent more time on that, eventually becoming Chair of the local Bench, and off the back of that she got a job sitting on interview panels for judges and a stint as non-executive Chair of one of the local NHS Trusts. She kept going until her early 70s, when her health started to go and DF died. But because she was out of the 9-5 and had secure pension income she (d he) could pretty much do what they wanted when they wanted, take long holidays, go and visit family and so on.

I appreciate that we can't all do that, but as I said upthread, I am older than you and I am in the middle of deciding between doing one part-time job or doing two. I also sit on my local Parish Council, and most of the people on that are older than me, including one woman who, I think she's a bit cagey about her age is in her 70s and still works part-time as a consultant doctor, and I am pretty sure that she isn't doing it for the money.

As others are saying, if you don't want to be paid (and you're not a serial killer in disguise) there are lots of people who will be only too happy to give you things to do, and really at your ages you need to be doing them.

Wherever you choose to live, if you retire too early you will stagnate, and all the data suggests that that's not good for your health or your longevity.

DH and I discuss retirement. We are not at that stage yet but I always say he will get on with it and make friends and do hobbies and I will be crap at it. You sound like I will be. You sound like your making excuses for not getting involved. A move to a different location won’t help. You will probably still make those excuses.

I agree that your both too young to “retire”. The two couples I know who have done this so young have found it just bloody boring after a while.
The ones who’ve enjoyed retorement have got out of the house almost every day, had a routine and been very busy.
Try lots of different things and find the ones you really enjoy, you won’t look back.
I’ve recently taken up Pilates and am on a sewing course. I’m so happy that I’ve found things I really love going to.