Retired and lost

[SevenSeasofRye]

I wonder if anyone can relate to my situation. My OH retired recently after many years in a very high pressure job working very long hours. For years we had talked about retirement and how we could finally have some time and space to travel, spend time together etc. I did not work for the last few years of his working life, but was pursuing other interests.
We have ended up moving to a city. I didn't want to move to a city, wanted to move to the country, keep chickens , get a dog, go for lots of walks. The reason we moved here was for complex family reasons, and it hasn't worked out the way we expected it to. Money is tight as most of it went into buying the house, and we feel we can't sell for several years or we will make a loss.

I don't like the house. I didn't like it from the off. It was bought in a rush for complex reasons again.
Both of us feel depressed and isolated. T he neighbours don't talk to us, and attempts to join groups etc haven't worked as they seem to be full of people older than us which makes us feel more depressed. We haven't got any friends. The family relationships which we moved here for have not turned out to be a support. There is no community, and the traffic and lack of countryside are really getting me down.
There are other issues too which prevent us from travelling too much, apart from the expense.
We have really tried, and my OH has joined a club on his own which he is enjoying, but it's taking more and more of his time, leaving me feeling marooned.

I know i should be making more effort but i am gradually feeling more and more demotivated, and thinking increasingly about how soon we can sell, with no idea where to go when we do. It's all a mess.
I have thought about looking for a job, but realistically at my age after such a long gap there aren't many options, and I don't want to be doing something I hate at this stage just to get out of the house.
I am getting really depressed and stuck in a rut. For years I cultivated friendships and interests on my own whilst he worked all the time. I am tired of doing things alone, I want us to do things together. However we end up going for the same walks every day and spending too much in coffee shops. I know this sounds pathetic. We have a good relationship, but it feels like we're both drowning.

NT are always looking for volunteers- check their website or visit a property and ask, similarly English Hertitage. Workers Educational Association do interesting courses and local Council Leisure Centres do over 50 mornings round here. If you are a good swimmer, can you do a Lifeguard Course? Apparently teenagers don't last long because they get bored with only being able to watch the swimmers ( and not their phones ). You can select your hours apparently. Learnt this from another volunteer at a stately home this week!
I live in a rural village - TBH we have thought about moving into Town because as you get older , getting to GP, hospital appointments, theatre, cinema is more difficult as you are dependant on a car. The bus service has increased to every half hour between 7.00 and 6pm. Last bus home from Town is 6.15 and nothing on Sunday, so we still run 2 cars. In the last 5 years we have lost the Village Post Office and shop and the village school. We nearly lost the pub- local business man bought it and I think it is his project. We share a vicar with 4 other parishes. It isn't always the idyll people imagine..

OP, move! Life is just too short at our age to spend several years in unhappiness when you could be having fun.
My oh and I have been retired for 5 years. I am 63, he's 65. We live in a rural area (no public transport to speak of) and have a whale of a time. We don't live near any family except my oh's very elderly father. We have our own interests and our lives are very full. I too like the countryside, walking my dog, gardening, appreciating the seasons etc. I would hate to live in a town now (I lived and worked in London until I was 32). The older I get the more I appreciate the peace and quiet around us. Just because we live in a small village doesn't mean there is nothing to do; quite the contrary. I know moving is a pain in the rear, but, you only get one life, go out and live it.

i think the solution would be to rent the house out and go and rent somewhere else if this is really not going to work. I never think tenants are going to present the house to buyers as well as owners would, but maybe we have to live with that.

OP "I never think tenants are going to present the house to buyers as well as owners would, but maybe we have to live with that."

bit confused by this - tenants won't "present" the house?

so you're saying go and rent elsewhere, then rent the current house and put it on the market with tenants in?

From your updates, I wonder if it's just a case of settling in really.

I meant put it on the market in a few years and rent it out until then.

I know this thread has gone dead. I've been struggling to be positive but I really don't want to stay here.
I am interested to hear from anyone who has been in this position - where did you move to or are you still stuck?
Options are to stay here at least another couple of years so we lose less on the sale
Rent it out and move somewhere else to rent
Sell earlier and make a big loss - (stamp duty and the fact we probably paid too much anyway).
I am getting seriously depressed here .

How about a caravan op
Sites in the country then you have the best of both worlds.
We live in a ne town on the coast for a third of the week and the rest of the week apart from December and January, when the site is closed we spend 3-5 nights a week there.

I’m sat ipaddiing in bed looking out over a lovely green field. Bliss

We started off with a small tourer that only cost £1200 ten years ago, then changed it twice for something bigger and better and even on the last one i made a profit. We kept it on a site so you don’t even have to tow it

With a legacy from my mum 18 months ago, I too, the plunge and bought a second hand static...it’s just home from home
It’s just 6 miles away from our previous site as we love this area.
38 feet by12 ...it’s so spacious . I did it all up. Reupholstered the seats. Put new laminate flooring in etc
If you do go for a static first do your homework on the sites...some of them are rip off merchants. Especially the ones with park in the name
We are on a very small site
Also be sure to get ch and dg...you don’t want walls running with condensation

Definitely try a tourer first to see if you like the life.
I’m just so happy.
I really am
Family coming tomorrow for bbq
What’s not to love
Plus you can get a dog!

Oh gosh you are so young.
I only met my husband when I was in my 57th year and I thought I was a bit of a dolly bird 😂
We had a blast and then he retired at 58 and we had a bit more of a blast.

Just deciding what to do today
York? No..it was rammed to the rafters yesterday
Ripon? Oh we did that on Thursday...got some plants from the market
Scarborough or Whitby.?.no that’ll be rammed we can do that next week when the holiday makers have gone home
Thirsk? Maybe
Yorkshire Dales?
N york moors?
Skipton, pateley Bridge?
Helmsley?
Ryedale?
Pickering?
Brimham rocks?
Fountains abbey
Honestly the list is endless.
Think it’ll be Northallerton market for the family coming for the bbq tomorrow

OP, I think you should rent your house out and rent one somewhere else. You have one life, you are lucky to be able to retire when you are young enough to enjoy it - future generations quite possibly won't be that lucky.

Do your research, visit the locations at different times of the day. Don't rush it but make it your joint project 🙂

Good Luck, go for it!

I'm also going to say 57 is too young to retire. I'm the same age and work full time - I will go part time at some point in the next couple of years but am absolutely not ready to retire.

I feel for you, I really do.

Maybe it’s better to take some time, do your research and find a place where you both want to live, sell your current place, and take the hit if necessary. You shouldn’t be miserable.

In the meantime, can you do volunteer work somewhere? Maybe at an animal shelter where you can walk dogs and play with the cats? Also, I heard recently that hospitals need volunteers to cuddle babies in neonatal intensive care units. I didn’t believe it but I Googled it and it’s really a thing – I live in the U.S., though.

You can go online and probably find numerous volunteer opportunities in your area. Giving your time to others in need would lift your spirits.

I'm sorry you are so down, SevenSeas. It sounds as though it just isn't working for you, even though you are clearly taking steps to be positive.

Just thinking through the options. If you stay where you are for a couple of years, you might lose less on the sale but won't house prices everywhere else have increased in the meantime? Swings and roundabouts, I'd say.

On the other hand, if you let your house and rent elsewhere, the downside is that you would have all of the responsibilities of being both a landlord and a tenant for a while but the upside is that it would give you the chance to explore a new area, decide if you like it and if it's somewhere you could settle. You would get a real feel for the property market in your new area before committing yourself again. You would still, of course, have to make a decision at some point about what to do with the house you currently own (and financially, it might still be swings and roundabouts) but at least you would feel clearer in your own mind about the way forward.

Before we relocated from the North West, I'd spent every waking moment on Rightmove and we made several long return trips to Bath to view multiple houses, all of which looked great online but none of which were right for us. (Two things you will never learn by looking at Rightmove, by the way - whether the house smells and whether the people next door are the neighbours from hell...😧) In the end, we rented in Bath for six months and used the time to look around and get to know the people and the area. I'm forever glad we did. It meant that when we made up our minds about which house to buy, we felt from the start that it was the right choice.

Would your daughter want to be near you? Might she consider moving too? And how would you persuade your DH? Perhaps a long weekend to an area you like the look of, so your DH can see for himself the possibilities (plus it would give you something to look forward to, as well as a much needed change of scene for both of you)? Might be worth a try. Good luck!

You're not too old to be retired. You just need some structure to your days.

I would try renting and rent yours out, so that your next move is right for you.

We retired three years ago, at 56 and 57. At first we thought about moving to the country, but the lack of public transport (we both currently drive) and distance to hospital (we are both currently very fit and healthy) and shops and other amenities put us off. Instead, we moved locally, to a place that we have adapted (downstairs bedroom and shower room) before it ever becomes necessary. We looked to future proof, so that we are not forced to move or adapt again if things get difficult for us.

We have also both taken up golf, and love it. We do lots of walking and days out together. We are able to visit friends and family whenever we like and have other retired friends that we socialise and go on holiday with.

You never know what is round the corner; you need to enjoy what you have whilst you can. Not to put a downer on things, but I have seen people work until they drop and have no retirement at all. You are fortunate to have options .

Oops, I meant you're not too young to be retired.

God, I'm 55 and would retire in a heartbeat if funds allowed!

@SevenSeasofRye I thought I'd just tell you about my recent experience as it might be relevant to you. Me and my DH have just moved in August 2018 and have decided to call it a day and move back to where we were before. DH just can't bear it where we are and it's affecting his mood considerably, he feels he is going crazy as he feels so out of place and out of joint with his surroundings. I don't feel as bad as that and would be quite happy to stay and see how things go, but because he is so unhappy I feel moving back is the right thing to do. When we originally moved, we agreed that if it didn't work out, we would move back. I just didn't really expect that it would happen and as we usually agree on most major things in life, I've been shocked at the desperation poor DH has felt at where we are, which is a perfectly nice village and a lovely house. Anyway, obviously this will cost us quite a bit of money as we are moving the wrong way in the country to where it's more expensive, but of course at present there isn't such a difference as there will be if we leave it. I was absolutely gutted at first as I love our new house, but I'm settled to the move now as it seems the only option for us. I think we had no idea at all that this would be so difficult! Making friends as you get older is harder and although people are friendly enough, it's not the same as old friends you've known for years. So that was our big adventure for retirement! I hope that might have some relevance for you, though no one can tell you what to do as it depends on your personality and interests as to what you can cope with. I know we would make it work eventually.

Thanks for all the thoughtful replies. One of the main reasons we moved was to do with my daughter being here, but things haven't worked out for her and she is planning to move away abroad! Elderly mother was another but really we don't get on and I don't see much of her anyway. We also have an adult son living with us , and hoped he would have more opportunities, but things haven't worked out for him either.
We are getting involved in things, and really the area has a lot to offer. We are close to good transport links and things to do, but the essential problem I think is I do not like being in a city. The traffic, pollution and stress and the fact that no-one looks at each other, acknowledges each other etc is tough. I feel lost. I miss the quiet and peace of a more rural area. Also, just don't feel anything for this house. It's in a good area, and it's okay. just not the house I wanted or had in mind.

I think part of my issue is the fact that the happy family I thought would be all around me is not materialising. Nothing is working out the way I expected. I think the answer is probably to stick it out for a couple of years and see if I feel differently, then sell if not. My OH has agreed to move if I am not happy by then.

I know we are really lucky to be in this position, I just don't feel happy.
I'm already back on rightmove, something that obsessed me for a long time before we bought this house. Not a good sign. Maybe I just think if we move again we will be happy, when it's really about feeling isolated and without a role.

Get a dog. Seriously. You and your DH will bond over the love and fun you'll get from the dog. It will force you out walking, discovering lovely new places to take your dog and you'll meet lots of people - everyone chats when out dog walking.

Yes we’re mulling that one over! We walk a lot anyway. Just face the puppy stage, and getting an adult rescue hasn’t worked in the past.

I would enrol on a course - whatever interests you, because learning a new skill is invigorating and you will see the same people each week and have a chance to build friendships. The same goes for volunteering. There are all sorts of diverse opportunities so you can find something that appeals to you. Ask people you meet at your course or volunteering out for coffee or for coffee at your house.

It takes time and effort to build a new life.
Personally I think living in a city is way better than rural living but if the opposite is true for you then Unless money is super tight I would move, losing money on a house really isn't the end of the world and a rural property will be cheaper than a city property anyhow.