How am I supposed to implement bedtime routine when baby shouldn’t be left alone?

[Mediumsizeddancer]

Safe sleeping guidelines state that babies should not be left alone to sleep, and must always be with you, until 6MO due to the risk of SIDS. Suggesting putting them to bed alone earlier than this age results in horrified looks and a disapproving “if you want to take the risk, that’s up to you.”

On the other hand, everyone advocates the importance of a bedtime routine. Bath, story, and an early bedtime from a young age to get them into good sleep habits. Not having this in place from an early age also results in disapproval.

DS is 4 months old. As per the guidelines on safe sleeping, he stays with me at all times, napping downstairs with us before we all go up to bed at 9-10pm.

I’d like him to go to bed earlier and start implementing a bedtime routine, but unless I then sit in the dark, silent room with him for 2-3 hours until I want to go to sleep in order to follow the safe sleeping guidelines, how the hell would this work?

How the hell are you supposed to correlate these 2 things separate ideals?!

Wait until the baby is six months?

How is 6 months not a young age?

Get a breathing monitor and check regularly on baby

Can you get one of those cot alarms that goes off if the baby stops breathing? That would save you from having to sit in the same room for 4 hours in the dark.

MN is full of “my baby had a firm bedtime routine from 8 weeks old”.

And indeed wait until 6 months to sleep train

You don’t! Don’t tie yourself up in knots :)

For us the SIDS advice trumped everything else so all three stayed downstairs until six months. We did do a routine of sorts even though they were downstairs - bath, baby massage, feed etc then lights dimmed and telly on low. Once they were older, we began implementing a routine upstairs. But I didn’t really start reading at bedtime until much later. But to be honest once siblings came along, the newest baby just slotted in wherever.

Don’t tie yourself up in knots. If you’re routine led, do it downstairs until they’re six months.

Also - ignore everyone else’s disapproving looks. Barring the basic fundamentals, everyone finds their own way.

We kept

It doesn’t hurt their sleep to wait until they’re six months to do it. We started at 4 months as health visitor said it was ok and DD was miserable and couldn’t sleep in the lounge.
You could also always do a bedtime routine and put them to sleep in whatever they nap in during the day in the lounge with low lights and low noise.
You’ll find views on this are massively divided on mumsnet.

You can leave your baby alone for a couple of hours asleep upstairs just not all night. That’s what we did anyway.
Or if you’re really worried just wait to establish a routine. Routines are for the parents benefit not the baby if putting him to bed early doesn’t work for you then don’t do it.

We kept both of ours with us for 6 months and then started a bedtime routine after that.

A breathing monitor won't protect against SIDS

It was fine having him with us when he was a newborn and his sleep was very erratic, but now he’s a bit older and finding his own routine he’s started to get very whingy and overtired from around 7-8pm. I think being up with us in the living room with the lamp/tv on is overstimulating him in the evenings, and he’d benefit from a proper bedtime, being put down to sleep in a dark, quiet room. But I can’t do this for another 2 months...

I started putting mine upstairs to bed at about 5 months because they stopped being able to sleep downstairs in the lounge with the tv on at that age and would just cry instead! Had a breathing monitor and checked a lot. If your baby is still going to sleep ok downstairs then stick with that, if not then it’s just what you feel comfortable with really.

Don't stress about the routine! 4 months is still so young. Enjoy the evening cuddles with them, that stage is over so quickly. And stick to the guidelines, they are there for a reason! So many MNers will tell you they put their child up to bed on a strict routine from when they were 17 minutes old 🙄 totally unnecessary. Sleep monitors are there for reassurance that they are breathing, eg when you're sleeping too, but you're supposed to be in the room with them to keep them breathing properly in the first place. My 3yo has never had a strict bedtime routine and he is really chilled out about bedtime and has always been so flexible with it as a result. You can make a rod for your own back having a rigid routine as you'll find they can't be flexible with it when you need them to!

It’s your choice I put baby upstairs for naps and early bed time but watch on monitor ... can hear him breath / see it and will check on him ... it’s a small risk but I have to clean the house and eat at some point.
I of course sleep next to him through the night and long naps I will go lay next to him.

My DS didn’t have a bedtime “routine” until he was closer to a year. We lived in a studio flat so it was impossible, and he just slept on me, next to me on a cushion, or in a large bassinet type thing, from around 7.30pm until I went to bed and took him with me (coslept) waking for a feed a few times.

He was happy, I was happy... he’s now 2.5 and still sleeping in my bed but has an excellent routine and is a fab sleeper- though only started sleeping through once I weaned him from breastfeeding about 8 months ago- which was to be expected as he was reverse cycling (at nursery all day while I was at work).

Honestly don’t sweat it. Do what works for you and your baby- and if anyone asks just tell them whatever they want to hear. It’s nobodys business!

MN is full of “my baby had a firm bedtime routine from 8 weeks old”.

It really isn’t. I’ve experienced the opposite actually.

There’s no point in doing any kind of sleep training before 6 months, they’re far to young to take it up. All they know is what they need in that moment. You can still have a routine of sorts. You can still do the bath, story, milk thing if that’s what you want to do and if they’re still awake, just have some gentle playtime, listen to music, read more books, until they’re ready to sleep. In my experience, they won’t sleep until they’re ready to and you’re in for a miserable time if you try and force it, especially so young Your DC will slip into a routine by themselves and then all you have to do is follow that

gamerwidow cot death can happen durring any sleep not just over night.

Our son went up to bed on his own from a very young age. I can't remember exactly but approx 6wks. We used a monitor with a tv screen so we could see him. There was probably about a 2hr gap between when he went to bed and when we went to bed. In that 2 hours, we'd pop upstairs here and there and keep an eye on the monitor.

Baby puts himself to sleep early he is fast asleep in my arms downstairs ... but will put him up in a bit so I can have some dinner ... it’s a baby led routine I didn’t do anything I confess x

We decided that the SIDS advice was more important than anything else. DS stayed downstairs with us until about 9mo before we implemented a bedtime routine. He bf and woke so frequently that it was hardly worth putting him upstairs anyway.

Could you watch TV on a iPad/phone with headphones and the lights down low? I know it’s an inconvenience but it won’t be for long.

I think you can have a bedtime routine just that the first part of the sleep is downstairs with you. Once you’re ready to put him to bed on his own (eg at six months) change the falling asleep bit to upstairs instead. If the rest of the routine is consistent it will make the change easier.

Eg. Bath, book, feed, sleep. At six months just change the where you do the book/feed/sleep element (or whatever your routine is) to upstairs

(No actual experience as all three of mine fell asleep on the boob downstairs and were later transferred to bed when I went up - when I started putting them to bed before I went to bed it was well past 6 months and they still fell asleep on the boob and I just put them in the cot earlier in the evening)

Going against the grain a bit...

My DS put himself into a bedtime routine from about 8 weeks old. He was asleep by 8pm every night downstairs with us but sour startle awake at any noise - us laughing at the TV, DH sneezing, a noise from the TV.
He would then take a while to settle back to sleep

We realised this was the equivalent of trying to sleep while your neighbours had a really noisy party and must have been driving him mad, so he went to sleep upstairs in a dark and quiet room, and would then sleep through til 6am with a feed at midnight

We were told we were making a rod for a backs by ‘giving in’ to him needing a dark quiet room but he is now happy to nap in his buggy at weddings, and doesn’t need a black out blind

But I genuinely think his brain was trying to sort out a day/night sleep routine and he needed a quiet dark room at night to do it

Regarding the safe sleep guidelines, I weighed up the risk of being being away from me for 2, maybe 3 hours every 24 hour period and it seemed acceptable to me
He was breastfed, in a co-sleeper or sling for most of the night and day, and those couple of hours to eat properly and watch TV with DH did wonders for my mental health

You are overthinking it a bit. You can break either or both of these things. Any time you hear "should" in terms of parenting it is worth running it through a kind of common sense filter, and then also just deciding whether it's something which is useful to you or not, as most parenting advice is just someone's opinion rather than the gospel truth. (it's different if it's evidence based - which SIDS guidelines are to an extent, but even so, they are still just guidelines/advice).

In terms of SIDS guidance yes this is the official UK line. However - it's one interpretation of the evidence. The only information we can confidently say is that room sharing decreases the risk of SIDS. The UK has interpreted this to extend to all sleeps - as well it might, however, other countries do not specify this in their guidance. But the six month thing is also just interpretation of the evidence into advice, the research doesn't tell us detailed differences based on age. It is not as though a protective effect goes poof on the eve of the child's half birthday. Again various countries interpret this differently and advise room sharing for different periods of time. But overall, the risk of SIDS drops dramatically by 4 months, so if there is an age that you feel comfortable about relaxing on some of these guidelines, 4 months would probably be OK.

In terms of a bedtime routine, it can be a helpful thing but it also is not necessary especially at this age. Or you can just do it later and then move it earlier when she is older. If you like doing it and it helps then go for it, but it's not worth expending energy on if it's a source of stress. With DS1 he wanted to cluster feed all evening so he went to bed when we did until 8 months and with DS2 he became distressed by noise in the evening so we put him to bed from about 3 months. It totally doesn't matter, do whatever suits you.

Oh and get used to the disapproval :o essentially you have to say fuck them all and do whatever you want to do. You will always be getting parenting wrong in somebody's eyes! And there is no single approved right way. You cannot get an A+ in parenting. The sooner you understand this and start to forge your own way the happier and more confident you will be. It comes as a bit of a shock though if you're the kind of person who always did very well at school and likes to do things the "right" way IME :)