How am I supposed to implement bedtime routine when baby shouldn’t be left alone?

[Mediumsizeddancer]

Safe sleeping guidelines state that babies should not be left alone to sleep, and must always be with you, until 6MO due to the risk of SIDS. Suggesting putting them to bed alone earlier than this age results in horrified looks and a disapproving “if you want to take the risk, that’s up to you.”

On the other hand, everyone advocates the importance of a bedtime routine. Bath, story, and an early bedtime from a young age to get them into good sleep habits. Not having this in place from an early age also results in disapproval.

DS is 4 months old. As per the guidelines on safe sleeping, he stays with me at all times, napping downstairs with us before we all go up to bed at 9-10pm.

I’d like him to go to bed earlier and start implementing a bedtime routine, but unless I then sit in the dark, silent room with him for 2-3 hours until I want to go to sleep in order to follow the safe sleeping guidelines, how the hell would this work?

How the hell are you supposed to correlate these 2 things separate ideals?!

What you have to remember is that baby advice changes, 10 years ago leaving babies in the evening was fine, so mine got into a decent routine from 4 months. But we weren't told to keep our dc with us at all times.

We started putting both DS to bed in our room at 6 weeks then we went up a couple of hours later to bed. Get a monitor and check every half an hour or so if you like.

As many others say, we were totally baby led. I read 'Three in a Bed' which is very enlightening but also quite controversial in its views on co-sleeping. DS started off in a Moses basket next to the bed then we co-slept as soon as we felt it safe enough..we took it in turns to stay awake. Then when DS was a bit older we put him in a cot next to the bed. The issue was b/f..I ebf and he woke very frequently all night and was sick loads. This went on for ages. I was beside myself with exhaustion. But it does get easier..it really does. Now DS sleeps with me every night and he's 5. He won't go into his own room. So if your family is ok with that then fine, if not get a routine in place when they're old enough. It means being tough and willing to put them back in their own bed all night when they try to come into your bed. I'm afraid I never was tough and after listening to stories of toddlers screaming and bashing the bedroom door until they finally fall asleep on the floor, I decided NO that's not for me thank you!
Good luck OP x

We had a breathing monitor and a video monitor so we could see our's at all times and see the flash of her breathing. The basket and later cot were in our bedroom. That said, her sleep was so bad for a while I did actually go to bed at 7pm with her sometimes!

I agree monitors don't prevent SIDs, but we could have reacted to any problem almost as quickly as if the baby were in the same room as us as bedroom not far away.

We started it from about three months I think. I understand arguments both ways but I think if we didn't have the monitors I wouldn't have been comfortable.

We didn't have a bedtime routine until about 12 months. Cluster feeding when tiny and SIDS guidelines meant they stayed with one of us until we went up to bed.

Jackshouse
I know but the risks are fairly small and we thought the benefits of DD being asleep for a couple of hours by herself were greater than the risk of cot death.
Not saying everyone should do that but that is the assessment we made.

Honestly, just put him to bed and check in on him regularly / get a breathing monitor and video baby monitor. Then maybe go to bed an hour earlier for the next couple of months.

I must be an ancient dinosaur. My son is 36 and there is no way I would have followed these bonkers guidelines. I'd have gone nurse without an evening to myself so DS went to bed at 6am.
How can you watch them all the time? Especially when you are asleep????

I just went to bed at the same time as the baby.

I love the competitive "we didn't follow the guidelines" on MN also the "I didn't follow guidelines so it's fine for you not to". I don't get it, guidelines are there for a reason and they change when research gets updated, so the whole "it was fine 10 years ago to do X" makes no sense. Please don't encourage others not to follow guidelines just because you didn't. The rates of SIDS have decreased dramatically over the years as the advice has changed. I don't understand why people would take a risk over something as important as Sudden Infant Death...?

Because guidelines are there to give you the information about what research says is best. You take the information and decide how far to follow the advice with your own family. Nobody can live 100% best practice at all times, that is impossible. It's ok to make judgement calls with guidelines as long as you understand what they are, and preferably the evidence they are based on. The important thing is to be aware of them.

FWIW, a breathing monitor does not replace the presence of the adult in the room, which suggests that it is not the speed as to which you are able to react that is the protective factor but presumably something about the baby physically being near you. There are various theories about what this might be - carbon dioxide you breathe out, little sounds and movements keeping baby in a deeper sleep, them being able to hear you breathing and "synching" their own with that, we don't actually know which of these if any it is.

I must be an ancient dinosaur. My son is 36 and there is no way I would have followed these bonkers guidelines.

In the 1980s approx 1500 babies died a year from cot death/ SIDS in the U.K. Since the 'bonkers' guidelines have been in place and evolving over the years it's down to less than 300.

No one I know in real life keeps their baby with them at all times and doesn't have a bedtime routine. DD needed to go to bed earlier, her sleep improved massively when we started putting her down at 8 when she was 4 months. All friends who've had babies, whole nct group, family etc all put babies down for a bedtime in the bedroom. MN is the only place I've come across where people are horrified by the idea. Alternatively you can wait until 6 months.

Never had this problem with dc1 or dc2 as they never slept for more than 3 hours at a time, so I used to sleep when they did. Dc3 had to be within 5cm of my boob or she’d instinctively wake up. So I used to go to bed early with her. I spent so much time with her I felt like I had an some kind of telepathic connection to her.

@BertieBotts I agree that evidence points to parents in the room being a protective factor and also like you say that there are many theories why and nobody is quite sure - indeed one of the theories is that parents nearby can detect and intervene if baby doesn't seem right rather than the actual presence being the protective factor. As far as I know the presence or lack of breathing and video monitors combined have never been analysed in tragic SIDS cases.

However I'm not disagreeing with the guidelines - it's such a serious thing. We were religious about them in every other way except for the use of the two monitors for a couple of hours at night which we felt was best for us and the baby, and she was next door. Weighing up all the factors this seemed reasonable.

Actually she's over a year old now and she's still in our room!

I suppose I'd never suggest someone not follow the guidelines but if someone were planning to I think this is the next safest option.

All our children have slept upstairs from 7pm (with a motion sensor monitor) from around 3/4 months. They really need the quiet and a routine. I appreciate all the SIDS advice and understand it fully, but everyone being rested and of sound mind is also immensly important.

I think we put our first into a bedtime routine at around 6 weeks - BUT we were woefully misinformed and had no clue about the SIDS guidance. That being said she took ages to settle and we were with her the whole time and I think went to bed pretty close to after she fell asleep anyway. I think we put our second I to a routine at around 3 months because we were so tired we ended up going to bed mainly when she did! Out third stayed downstairs with us until 4 months when she suddenly stopped sleeping. Up until that point she'd been going to sleep at 6pm and staying asleep until 2am for a night feed. At 4 months she started struggling to go to sleep so we moved her upstairs.

All 3 had a movement monitor. They might not prevent cot death but they do let you know if you're baby isn't moving. I never understand why people have a problem with them. They're a great accompaniment to checking on baby and following the rest of the safe sleeping guidelines. Besides which they're surely safer than not having one and then sleeping through the night and not checking on your baby because you haven't woken at all.

Everything with babies is a risk assessment. Work out what is best for your family so to meet your needs but as much in line with the safer sleep guidelines as possible.

Both dc were put down for the evening in our room at around 12 weeks. Ds1 needed to be, he’d scream and scream at 7pm until he was in a dark quiet room. Ds2 I encouraged as I had pnd and ptsd and needed some space and me time.

Tbh though there was probably no point as I was literally up and down checking on them every 15 mins and I had a breathing monitor. I also had a ticking clock in the room with them as I read somewhere it can help regulate their breathing? No idea if that is true but thought may as well pop it in there anyway!

If you can hang on until 6 months I would try? But sometimes it just isn’t possible

Guidelines is 6 months but its up to you. Its a decision only you can make.

My dd was going up to bed 2 hours before us at 8ish weeks and was in her room by 12 weeks.

thebub It makes perfect sense to point out that guidelines used to be different because it explains why so many Mumsnetters have followed sleep routines from a younger age than 6 months. I'm not encouraging anyone else to do the same, they are adults and can make their own judgements.

We put DS to bed upstairs at 8pm from about 10 weeks. We go up a couple of hours later

I'm aware it's against guidelines but I weighed up the small risk against keeping him downstairs, awake and unhappy and decided it was best for him

We have a video monitor that I check regularly and it works well for us

I managed a bedtime routine at 3m because I sat in my bed and read Mumsnet between baby’s bedtime and going to sleep myself three hours later between the ages of 3m and 6m!

I take it in turns with DH to put DS2 to bed and to stay in the room with him until the other has put DS2 to bed then had dinner etc. So essentially yes, I do sit in the dark and quiet for 1.5 hours every other evening but am happy to browse the internet or watch stuff on Netflix with subtitles. No biggie. Not had dinner with DH for 6 months though!

Until the other has put DS1 to bed

We follow bedtime routine at 7, put her down in co-sleeper and chat quietly/watch tv on laptop till we fall asleep ourselves.

To be honest the sleep monitors don't seem to do anything about SIDS, and I'd much rather take the risk of her not being in a good routine than even slightly increase the risk of SIDS. But I'm v paranoid about that.

Also, we have a rubbish sleeper so I'm generally trying to sleep myself from 9.30/10, might be different if she was one of those unicorn babies who sleeps 7 till 7.