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Original poster

How important is it to you that others think you are/find you attractive?

54 replies

Cosmoplease · 28/03/2019 11:44

Hi,

Following a conversation with dp, I wondered what others thought.

I was saying that since reaching 30 (now 34), I've felt a bit invisible. Without sounding like a big head, I used to get a lot of attention, received compliments and was pursued a lot and that if I'm honest, it makes me a bit sad that it doesn't happen so much anymore.

Dp's reaction was, "but I still think you're beautiful, so what does it matter what others think? "

Well... I don't know really. Why do I care? I'm not looking for anyone else, I don't think looks are everything, but I suppose I've always cared about how I look and have maybe attached too much importance to it.

I don't think I've ever felt confident or overly happy with how I look. I have just always wanted to make the most of myself and I always got a bit of a boost when I would, for example, see someone check me out or tell me I was pretty etc. This is normal though, right?

My dp made me sound a bit mad. They said the only person they cared about finding them attractive, was me. I suppose that's sweet, but I can't say I get it.

I mean, we're all different, so we don't all have to think the same and agree in relationships, but I don't know, I just started feeling a bit shallow and/or unusual.

What are your thoughts? If you have a dp, do you honestly only care how attractive they think you are?

TIA

OP posts:
MrsKipling1980 · 28/03/2019 11:51

Been with DH for 17 years. I make effort with my appearance mainly for myself but also because I want DH to think I look nice. Being married shouldn't mean you don't make effort. If a stranger compliments me it's nice but equally if they don't I'm not bothered. As long as I feel good I really don't care what anyone else thinks.

MeowthThatsRight · 28/03/2019 11:55

I know exactly how you feel. I used to be a model - always been tall and skinny and that sort of gets you attention just for that. Since having dc I’ve put on weight and now I’m just big. I feel painfully self conscious although I know I don’t look bad - I just don’t look good. I can’t quite explain why it bothers me, I’ve lost something of my identity I guess. It probably makes me a very shallow person.

HighlandWorrier · 28/03/2019 12:02

Feeling the same as you OP and Meow. At 43 with a thyroid problem that has helped me gain a bit of weight now not feeling so attractive. Even DH doesn't give compliments when I get ready to go out whereas before he'd always say something like "you look nice".

It's the little boost you used to get when someone did a double take in your direction and you knew you looked good. Ah well at least my toddler thinks I've still got it Grin She often says you look beautiful mummy.

buzzbobbly · 28/03/2019 12:05

I am single, fat and in my 40s. I couldn't be much more invisible now.

It's a security blanket of sorts - comforting and easy, I just blend into the background of real life, as it were.

But it's one I - at some point - need to emerge from under and face the real world again, if I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life.

Original poster
Cosmoplease · 28/03/2019 12:06

MrsK, I wish I wasn't bothered. I really admire those that genuinely don't care and accept the ageing process and actually thinking about it, they tend to be the most attractive people in a way. I guess because they're usually very confident.

Meow, glad it's not just me. I hope it's not as simple as being shallow. I really don't feel as though I am.

OP posts:
CaMePlaitPas · 28/03/2019 12:11

I used to get quite a bit of attention when I was 18 -24, it was exhausting because I played up to it, the hair, the makeup, the nails, the hair removal, the tan, everything. I've been married for 5 years and have given birth twice in two years and I can honestly say that whilst I don't look great and have put on weight and look exhausted due to having two under two, I do in a way find my invisibility freeing. I don't have to worry about walking past men anymore as I know they're not interested, I'm less anxious and I feel like I can take people on face value now rather than wondering whether there's an ulterior motive. I scrub up OK and plan to try to lose the weight for health reasons but honestly I couldn't give a damn if people think I'm attractive or not.

Original poster
Cosmoplease · 28/03/2019 12:20

Highlander, that's really quite sad about your dh. He must know you'd still appreciate the odd compliment.

Buzz, I do get what you're saying actually.

Same with you, CaMe. When I look back at when I got the most attention, I did used to get very anxious actually. A look is one thing, but a leer and in your face comments, is quite another.

OP posts:
adulthumanwolf · 28/03/2019 12:28

I truly could not give less of a shit what other people think of how I look.

I care about what I think personally, and to an extent I care what DP of 8 years thinks.

I look ok I think, I have a fairly pretty face, bit chubbier than I was in my 20's but hey ho. I know that the way I dress isn't what other people think is cool or fashionable, and I do not care. I like feeling comfortable and looking how I want to look. I generally wear quite loose hippyish clothes.

I must admit sometimes I look at other women in our office with tans, nails done, eyelash extensions, heels that look like a nightmare to walk in etc, and think blimey that must be a lot of effort, and I just can't be arsed. I don't want to spend hours a day doing myself up, or be in pain from daft 5 inch heels.

I find it liberating. We're all going to look like shit in the end!

TheFuckfaceWhisperer · 28/03/2019 12:31

I'm 49, always had plenty of male attention, I'm still fairly attractive and look young for my age and still get attention but I've noticed they're older and not as attractive these days 😂 still get the odd nice one! I'll be sad when it all stops and Im no longer relevant

ScreamingValenta · 28/03/2019 12:32

Not at all. I just want to blend in and not be noticed.

TheFuckfaceWhisperer · 28/03/2019 12:33

God, I sound really vain. I had a major confidence crisis 18 months ago when I lost all my hair due to illness and had to wear a wig. I'm just glad my hair is back and enjoy thinking I look nice again

StarlightLady · 28/03/2019 12:41

I’m in my 40s. A couple of moths back, I hot chatted up by a 21 yesr old!! Maybe hecwas on his way to the opticians?

I try to look nice. I don’t do it to attract a mate, I do it to make me feel good about myself. And if that makes me easier on the eye to others, mores the better.

MilesJuppIsMyBitch · 28/03/2019 13:09

You can tell your Dh that it's completely normal to feel sad about it.

It's loss. You've lost part of who you used to be, and now you have to redefine yourself, and you have to have a little mourning period to get past it.

He's kind of trying to make it about him, and it really isn't.

Life is pretty good on the other side of the invisibility divide once you've embraced it, though. Smile

Original poster
Cosmoplease · 28/03/2019 13:28

Miles, I would tell my dh that if I had one, but I have a dw, so shall let them know Wink Grin

It is a loss, you're right. My dp has always preferred to be over that divide, as you describe it, but not because she's not attractive, just because she's never liked attention. I guess hers was more a sexuality thing though, which makes sense, obviously! So she'd deliberately hide a bit.

As I said in my OP, it's not that I'm looking for anyone else, it's just that if you had it before, it kind of hurts when it goes.

I know at 34 I'm not old though, before anyone loses it with me! Grin

OP posts:
MaMisled · 28/03/2019 13:35

I've never been good looking (plump, crooked teeth, short, big nose....) but, for some reason, men have always found me attractive and I've been pursued alot. Its obviously my personality but I do dress nicely and have nice hair. !I'm now 52 and very happily married but, yes, I have to admit I DO want people to find me attractive, in every sense of the word.

FissionChips · 28/03/2019 13:37

I don’t care if people don’t find me attractive but I wouldn’t want them to recoil in horror at the sight of me either.

MargoLovebutter · 28/03/2019 13:42

I used to care a lot. I needed external validation, needed admiration, needed to feel loved and admired.

I'm fast approaching 50 and barely care now. I still look well-presented but it is for me that I do that. I want to be the best I can be but so that I feel happy about myself and not for anyone else's entertainment or pleasure.

My favourite ever quote is: "We wouldn't worry nearly so much about what others thought of us, if we recognise how seldom they do" by Paulo Coelho.

MIdgebabe · 28/03/2019 13:46

Never been a great looker,but always felt uncomfortable as many men were clearly more interested in my body than the rest of me . It was limiting So I am happier that they notice me physically less these days as it makes it easier to interact as myself with people, they are more likely to hear what I say rather than being distracted

Savoury99 · 28/03/2019 13:48

Now I'm in my 40's I like to make an effort (ish). I wear jeans quite a lot though, have my hair done, wear a bit of make up and try and stay slim. I don't however have my nails, eyebrows done or cosmetic work. So I look OK. I've always been quite shy though and I've never been a flirt. I do feel like you get treated differently as you get older so yes I do feel more invisible with other people but I feel beautiful when I'm with my Husband because he is always telling me I am. Not sure if this makes sense.

Savoury99 · 28/03/2019 13:57

I didn't answer the question. I suppose I still hope people think I look nice but I don't miss being hit on like I did when I used go out in my 20's (single ) with short dresses and heels on.

Miffymeow · 28/03/2019 14:03

I know exactly how you feel OP, I'm 31 and it started about a year ago. I used to turn heads day to day, but now I feel just invisible. Men don't pay me the attention that they used to and it feels like a big part of my identity has gone and a lot of the power I used to hold. In some ways it is nice as a few others have said, a lot of anxiety has gone from worrying how men are looking at me and ulterior motives, but in another way I just feel so invisible. My DP still loves me but he doesn't say "wow" when I put on a dress anymore... more of a "are you ready yet, we're late" kind of reception is what I get now.

Basilneedswaterandsun · 28/03/2019 14:04

I used to get lots of attention in my late teens early twenties. Sometimes I liked it...say if I was in a club or bar. But sometimes I would really hate it - I would avoid walking past building sites for fear of getting whistled. I wouldn’t wear a bikini on holiday. I don’t think I was very confident to be honest.
I’ve been with my dp for 11 years now (I’m 37) and even though I now get a fraction of the attention i used to get i much much prefer it. No one to lear at me. I can be myself.
I’m with your dp on this. I honestly don’t care if no one apart from my dp finds me physically attractive.
The most attractive people in my view nowadays will have a great personality / be funny / kind / interesting etc

MrsJBaptiste · 28/03/2019 14:26

It's definitely important to me. I'm another one who got a lot of attention when I was younger (I still do but it's definitely slowed down!) and would hate to be invisible and blend into everyday life.

So I take care of my appearance, watch what I eat, go the gym every day which leaves me feeling good about myself.

pansydansy · 28/03/2019 14:34

I'm the same.

Up until 5 years ago I had lots of attention, even from men that knew I was in a relationship. I wasn't interested in anyone other than dh but the attention was nice. Since having my daughters and turning 34, I barely get a look let alone a second 🙈 I'm still the same weight but my shape has changed. I've cut my hair to shoulder length and barely get the chance to wear makeup because I'm always running around like a mad woman.

I still think of the days of wolf whistles and inbox messages and men turning to look when I walked into a room. But hey I'm happy as I am, dh still fancy's me so that's all that matters.

Bravelurker · 28/03/2019 14:35

At 47 I still get the odd bit of attention but not anywhere near what it used to be. The compliments I get now is that I look good for my age, which I'll take.
I am very happily single and have no intention of changing that, so any attention I get, goes to waste.