How important is it to you that others think you are/find you attractive?

[Cosmoplease]

Hi,

Following a conversation with dp, I wondered what others thought.

I was saying that since reaching 30 (now 34), I've felt a bit invisible. Without sounding like a big head, I used to get a lot of attention, received compliments and was pursued a lot and that if I'm honest, it makes me a bit sad that it doesn't happen so much anymore.

Dp's reaction was, "but I still think you're beautiful, so what does it matter what others think? "

Well... I don't know really. Why do I care? I'm not looking for anyone else, I don't think looks are everything, but I suppose I've always cared about how I look and have maybe attached too much importance to it.

I don't think I've ever felt confident or overly happy with how I look. I have just always wanted to make the most of myself and I always got a bit of a boost when I would, for example, see someone check me out or tell me I was pretty etc. This is normal though, right?

My dp made me sound a bit mad. They said the only person they cared about finding them attractive, was me. I suppose that's sweet, but I can't say I get it.

I mean, we're all different, so we don't all have to think the same and agree in relationships, but I don't know, I just started feeling a bit shallow and/or unusual.

What are your thoughts? If you have a dp, do you honestly only care how attractive they think you are?

TIA

I wasn't really talking about 'male gaze' or sexual attraction. I was just talking more generally really. I've noticed men and women just being nicer, more attentive, more respectful when I've been slimmer.

I think there is a lot of underlying subconscious prejudice concerning obesity and people who look over weight. People are often judgmental whether they mean to be or not. However, I personally, also want to be fit and healthy. Too much body fat can cause health problems. And I have suffered from sciatica and cancer. So I'm on board with doing what is within my power to improve my health. Looking more attractive to people is a side effect. But one I enjoy because being treated better makes life easier.

I honestly think people in the UK don’t ‘stare’ or give attention as much as they used to.

Men find women on tinder and use a lot of porn. They don’t chat women up in the pub like the old days.

I notice when I’ve been to less developed countries, men stare more. And I’m now mid 40s.

I think there’s a cultural thing post Me Too that is happening here too.

Snap OP. I know exactly what you mean. I'm exercising every day and working hard to get back in shape (after 2 kids). I'm not ready to be this frumpy, fat, older lady!

Pre kids I had such low self esteem that I didn't even try to look nice. Wouldn't wear anything that made me stand out slightly. I've never noticed anyone's head turn.

I have so much more confidence now at 30 and it's not for anyone but me. Now I'm like we'll no one cares what I look like so I can do whatever I want for me. And I look so much better for it! In the past I would have worried people would wonder why I'd bothered even trying, and I've no idea how I got to feeling so low about myself.

If I'd been in your shoes OP I think I would miss it!