How important is it to you that others think you are/find you attractive?

[Cosmoplease]

Hi,

Following a conversation with dp, I wondered what others thought.

I was saying that since reaching 30 (now 34), I've felt a bit invisible. Without sounding like a big head, I used to get a lot of attention, received compliments and was pursued a lot and that if I'm honest, it makes me a bit sad that it doesn't happen so much anymore.

Dp's reaction was, "but I still think you're beautiful, so what does it matter what others think? "

Well... I don't know really. Why do I care? I'm not looking for anyone else, I don't think looks are everything, but I suppose I've always cared about how I look and have maybe attached too much importance to it.

I don't think I've ever felt confident or overly happy with how I look. I have just always wanted to make the most of myself and I always got a bit of a boost when I would, for example, see someone check me out or tell me I was pretty etc. This is normal though, right?

My dp made me sound a bit mad. They said the only person they cared about finding them attractive, was me. I suppose that's sweet, but I can't say I get it.

I mean, we're all different, so we don't all have to think the same and agree in relationships, but I don't know, I just started feeling a bit shallow and/or unusual.

What are your thoughts? If you have a dp, do you honestly only care how attractive they think you are?

TIA

I do feel a bit sorry for you young women who feel invisible.

I don't feel invisible at all, (nearly 50) and never plan to.

I'm 28 and a single mum. I get a fair bit of attention - slim size 10, not beautiful by any means but I think I scrub up OK, I am quite outgoing and chatty though which I think is the main reason.

I make an effort with my physical appearance to a certain extent but that's because I like it - always have my nails done and eyebrows shaped, I like to dress nicely as well.

I do like the attention for the most part, I've been single for almost 5 years and it's good to know that I could still pull if I want to.

I dislike lewd comments especially when I'm out and about with young DS though which does happen. I find it very disrespectful. The worst is when I get it from teenage boys showing off in front of their mates. I'll be furious if DS speaks to women like that when he gets to that age.

Possibly a bit Benjamin Button of me, but I feel more confident about myself at nearly 50 than I did at 25. I really was quite unkempt, unmade up and clueless about clothes back then and now I am much better turned out and, praise the Lord, have discovered a heated brush!
Of course back then I had a lovely figure, but sadly not the confidence to match, and lovely clear skin.
I often have to stand in front of a room full of adults and talk and that has made me want to make a decent impression.
The one thing that I do know is that I smile at people and generally do take an interest in them and that has opened more doors than all of the above.

Something I really like about this thread is no one's said that sort of thing 'doesn't matter'/'there's no time for it' when you've got kids. Something I've often had thrown in my face (I'm childless) and it often comes out sounding like a veiled accusation that I'm vain and pointless.
To answer the question, it matters hugely to me whether people think I'm attractive or not. Probably too much so, but I'm 51 now, never really been happy with my looks, hate the way I look now I'm older. Some days I feel that no matter how much effort I make with my makeup and hair I still look like shit. Objectively I think I'm probably wrong and that I'm actually reasonably attractive, but the ageing process is hitting me hard.
It probably doesn't help that my DH hasn't made love to me in years (he has 'issues' in that department, but I don't seem to be worth the bother of making any effort to address them), and although I'd never cheat, purely for my own self-esteem I need to feel that others might find me sexually attractive - it is important to me that I don't become 'invisible' to them in that way. (I'm bisexual, which in some ways makes matters worse, double the potential to feel invisible wry smile) Trouble is, I think I already am. sad

I get so much of what people are saying! It's making me feel a little better, but it's also quite sad that so many of us care so much.

bringin, as a fellow bisexual 🙋 I know exactly what you mean.

I am not sure how much I care about what others think, but I wouldn't wish people to think I looked bad, I don't think anyone does wish that and I'm not sure I believe people genuinely don't care at all if others think they look like a bag of spanners.

Bizarrely, I've found that as I've aged, I get more attention than when I was young. I'm no looker and never have been but I don't care as much now and maybe that makes me appear more confident.

I had very low self esteem in my youth and generally hate my appearance so it's quite liberating not to give a toss any longer.

I really don't care, but I think that's probably a symptom of other stuff.
Its all too much effort these days, so I feel affronted if any even looks twice.

@Bluntness100 I certainly wouldn't want people to look at me and vomit!

But I have friends that occasionally take the piss out of how I present myself (in a friendly piss taking way) and I don't care. I wear a lot of tie dye and daft jewellery with cat charms etc, and I guess at 35 I dress like an eccentric librarian cat lady or such. I like how I look, but I definitely don't look cool or fashionable.

I've mostly always been fat and I've always been ugly. Luckily I have a quick wit and a good sense of humour and that gets me through. I've never been concerned about being attractive because I never have been. Invisible suits me down to the ground, it's exactly what I want to be.

I've noticed people treat me much better when I am slimmer. I know I look better when I have been slimmer as opposed to fatter. They just seem to have more time for me. It's really noticeable. My DH has even noticed it. But he's happy as long as I am and I am as healthy as possible. I've lost weight again recently and am noticing the difference again. People had started calling me 'madam' in shops before I had lost weight this time round and I did feel invisible. I put weight on most recently whine I hurt my back and then had to wait to diet and exercise as I then subsequently went through cancer treatment.

I can't understand what people mean when they say invisible.

Sorry!

I really have no trouble making friends and having small talk or feeling valued/important or anything like that and never have.

I do think it is a bit troubling if you genuinely feel you can't be seen or heard anymore.

A nice thing about my thirties has been not caring so much what others think of how I look, and being less interested in looks in general. I exhausted myself in my twenties trying to look perfect all the time. Not for male attention, I just felt self conscious and not good enough. I am much happier now that my self esteem is more based on other things. I never really liked (or got that much) male attention anyway. I actually like being more invisible!

The thing is though, Birds. Not that I've got any intentions of, but If i was to lose say 8 stone and everyone who didn't look at me suddenly started being all nicey nicey.
They'd be getting told to get to fuck.
I'm no ones fan club. I'm not going to be grateful because people treat me properly because I'm size 6.
Fat obese thin skinny, I'm still the same person.
I don't give shit out so I won't take it back irrelevant of my size.

I do agree with Cake self acceptance does come with age.
When I was a teen and early twenties. I was around a size 14 and was fixated on being a size 10.
I never got there, though.
I was miserable and defensive and appallingly shy.
Never enjoyed going out.
Its not worth it for the "perfect body shape".
Life became a whole lot more fun when I stopped letting the scales dictate my life.
Love me for who and what I am or don't love me at all.
As I've become older I've became fatter yet more confident and outgoing.

People being nicer is just an observation. I'm losing the weight primarily for better health and mobility. I'm not talking about achieving a size 6 or 8 either (I'm too tall for that to be really sensible). But I do like to think I look good for me personally too. I think most people do, although it's not always about weight. And I've noticed strangers just being nicer. Which I'm afraid does make life a bit more pleasant for me.

Rock - I'm sure you're not ugly. I don't get the attention now and I'm happy with that really, but I do kind of miss it, (not that I had that much attention). I suppose it's just reminiscing. I miss the excitement of it and the dressing up when going out. Also often even during the day I'd wear heels, but not that high by some of today's standards. I wonder if those that say they've put on weight etc, if that's the real reason why men lose interest. Maybe it's because of children, and if out with DH or DP. Maybe they more interested if out with the girls. I'm probably not making much sense so I'll shut up!

Oh I do definitely make an effort.
with a Full face of make up hair styled and dresses to suit my figure. However it did take a very long time to find my 'thing'. I look back at some of the things I used to wear, don't get me wrong we do I'm sure, but
I literally had no clue (I'd wear for example). Its s huge wonder the fashion police didn't lock me up and throw away the key

I'm not invisible as a person. As a sexual being I don't know. I've stopped noticing. What I have noticed is I'm respected for who I am. People (male and female) ask for my opinion and for advice. I feel more confident and important than at any point in my life. I have my own strange unique style (neither smart nor sexy) and DH loves me as I am. I'm a no frills sort. I'm fab at 50!

I liked being attractive. It boosts your self esteem and makes you feel good. Since DC I’ve gained three stone, stretch marks and stretched stomach skin, I don’t have the time or money for hair or makeup or exercise, and I’m ugly. Nobody pays me attention any more. I genuinely hate being me and I’m jealous of attractive people. So I’d say being attractive is very important. I think if you have it and lose it, it hits you harder than if you never had it in the first place.

What I meant to say was no, how others view me in terms of attractiveness is of no importance to me.

I always make an effort with my appearance. But it is because I have ongoing illness and I want to look 'normal' as possible. It makes me feel confident. I also don't think women should dress for men but to dress for themselves.

I think if you have it and lose it, it hits you harder than if you never had it in the first place.

Yes, and it's that slight undertone of snidery that can make these threads mildly unpleasant, with people who identify as former beauties sighing over their model looks as a twentysomething, and the implication that those of us who ask questions like 'Invisible in the eyes of who?' and 'Who taught you that the male gaze was paramount to your sense of yourself?' (which I do realise is leaving out the lesbian posters) must have had nothing to lose, and hence nothing to be nostalgic for, and thus don't understand.

You're only 34, surely if you were attractive enough to get attention and validation once upon a time that has not completely ceased at the tender age of 34. I"m in my late forties and still get some admiration, maybe they're only looking long enough to decide to look away again! But I don't feel completely invisible yet so I find it hard to believe that you get no admiration at all at 34.

Obviously we don't need it etc etc but often feeling good about yourself is all tied up with looking your best and that is attractive to others.

I really don’t care about looking sexually attractive. I do however care about looking nice, and interesting and I suppose I want to look like I have good taste and “style” whatever that is.

The only thing I regret about getting older is that some styles I like looked a bit hippy child at 20 but would now look baglady at 40 so I avoid. On the whole though I’m happy with the style I like and wear.