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Original poster

Would you take your child into a prison?

75 replies

ConcealDontFeeI · 26/03/2019 20:05

My 3yo DDs dad got sent to prison a couple of months ago for fighting. Was pretty bad and he has history. It was a group of thugs against another group of thugs (there were voice notes given as evidence of the other man saying 'come to my house and I'll kill you you '.

Absolutely not excusing it. I'm embarrassed and feel guilty every day that I chose this person as a dad for my beautiful DD. In my defence, for the few years we were together he was pretty decent. He then had a mental breakdown and became abusive, I broke up with him and he went down this route. He saw DD supervised in a contact centre for a while, then was signed off as ok to have her unsupervised.

He's been a pretty shitty dad in the terms of his life choices, but dotes on her when he's around her. She loves him very much. Which actually makes all of this a lot harder. I'm really not a fan of him, though I pity him a bit. But my absolute only concern in this is what's best for my DD.

I always said that no way was I taking my child to a prison. I've been there before whilst volunteering at uni, and I saw kids upset being searched by heavy handed P.Os and dogs (obviously this is necessary, no criticism).

I know that they run family days where he is, with soft play and face painting and stuff. So the environments a bit nicer. But I doubt the searching and things can change. She's young though and I could probably make up a story to explain it. But should I lie to her even more?

He's not pushing it, only asked once right at the beginning and I said no and he accepted my reasoning. But I feel really bad for my DD. He might get a couple of years. She gets very upset about how much she misses him. I've said he's working in another country (not sure if this was the right thing to do, research seems to be quite split and if she was a few years older I wouldn't have but I didnt know what to do for the best). He calls her every day but she really hates speaking on the phone to anybody, even me.

WWYD? I understand that MN isn't the demographic that is likely to be for this idea. TBH, I'm not really the type of person that would be either. I just want to do what's best for her though, and is keeping her away from her dad for years the best for her? I'm leaning towards yes, as I always have, because who wants their young child going to a prison!? But would seeing her dad in a fun environment be worth telling a fib to explain the nice policemen searching her?

No judging please. I'm not a scumbag; I left my abusive boyfriend at 21 with a little baby and started a degree right away, worked to solely provide for us throughout, starting a masters in September, never ever been in trouble with the police and have complete respect for the law etc. My DD has an absolutely lovely, idyllic life. Scared to post this but desperate for outside opinions.

OP posts:

Mabellavender · 26/03/2019 20:08

It depends on which kind of prison, what category is it? I’ve visited an open prison before and it’s very laid back and there’s kids running around all over the place.

Mabellavender · 26/03/2019 20:09

Also depends if you are going to encourage the relationship with her dad long term, I think it would be more damaging to her long term to keep her away from her dad for his whole prison sentence than to visit him.

drinkswineoutofamug · 26/03/2019 20:11

Has he been sentenced or on remand?

Original poster

ConcealDontFeeI · 26/03/2019 20:13

It's a cat B he's in at the moment on remand, actually the one I used to visit volunteering. He's gets sentenced in a month so he'll probably be moved then, but it'll likely be another cat B.

What you've said above it's what's playing on my mind. I'd always encourage their relationship unless I thought she was at risk. My degree included a lot on child psychology and I feel that this is really important. He's always been a big part of her life. Though I was always over cautious re risk and his mental health. Will play it by ear as I always have. But yes, I'd absolutely want to encourage their relationship as long as that is what is best for her, short term and long term.

OP posts:

Original poster

ConcealDontFeeI · 26/03/2019 20:14

He's on remand. Was due to be sentenced last week but got adjourned for a month.

OP posts:

LoisLittsLover · 26/03/2019 20:14

Like you i have seen the searches which would be my reason for declining.

SurgeHopper · 26/03/2019 20:15

Well if he's in for a couple of years, yes, I would

Palominoo · 26/03/2019 20:18

Personally I'd give it ago and if at any time she is stressed or upset I'd stop going.

There could be more problems later if it were known to her that you stopped her from seeing her dad especially if he turns his life around after going to prison.

At least you can say you tried.

Stompythedinosaur · 26/03/2019 20:20

I've worked in prisons. I would take a child in to visit a parent because I think the importance of maintaining that relationship outweighs the downsides of the visit. I wouldn't take a child in for any other reason though.

Original poster

ConcealDontFeeI · 26/03/2019 20:24

God, I really wasn't expecting this response! What you're all saying is what I've been thinking, deep down. It's so hard when both doing it and not doing it are likely to be harmful in some sort of way.

OP posts:

IncrediblySadToo · 26/03/2019 20:25

Oh it’s so difficult to know what’s best for them isn’t it - there are so many different things to consider.

I think, for now, I’d wait to see how long he gets and where he’s going to be sent. That’ll give you a bit of breathing time at least and you can also see if he maintains contact with DD.

I think, for me though, it would come down to what sort of a person I think he would be when he gets out. If I thought he would learn from this & be a decent human being I’d take her, but if I thought he would be ‘trouble’ I’d keep her away. Possibly even very far away.

PS: Nothing wrong with having told her he’s ‘working away’ or that he’s working there if you go to visit. She’s still very young and ‘working’ is something she understands.

Stompythedinosaur · 26/03/2019 20:29

You should be able to ring the prison to find out exactly what sort of a search your dd would be subject to.

If it is metal scanners and a pat down then you can make it a lot less scary by playing through what is going to happen beforehand.

I never knew anyone be "heavy handed" with kids, though. My experience is that officers would make an effort to engage positively and not to frighten them.

Original poster

ConcealDontFeeI · 26/03/2019 20:30

PS: Nothing wrong with having told her he’s ‘working away’ or that he’s working there if you go to visit. She’s still very young and ‘working’ is something she understands.

Thank you for this. It's bloody hard as a young single mum in a situation like this. Even when you're doing everything in your power to ensure your child has the best life possible, you still feel judged and like you have to justify every move.

Agree with the rest of your post. If he only gets a few months (unlikely) then I'm definitely not going to. I guess it's not worth worrying too much until then. I'm an overthinker to my detriment.

OP posts:

Politicalacuityisathing · 26/03/2019 20:32

Hello - there are organisationsbthat support family of prisoners. They might be able to help you think through the practicalities as well as the emotional
side of it.

Some prisons have great facilities for family visits and programmes where prisoners can record bed time stories for example. Some prisons won't have. Maybe see what the prison he goes to has set up before you decide what to do?
Www.familylives.org.uk/about/our-services/action-for-prisoners-and-offenders-families/leaflets-for-families-affected-by-imprisonment/

Original poster

ConcealDontFeeI · 26/03/2019 20:32

Tbf I only saw one child on my visits, and the officer seemed like a bit of a meanie in general. I don't mean heavy handed as in aggressive. Just not trying to put the child at ease like you say.

Glad to hear this isn't the norm though, and it's a good idea to approach the prison first so I can chat to my DD about it.

OP posts:

ooItsAoBeautifulDayNow · 26/03/2019 20:32

No advice but I just wanted to say you sound like you've done brilliantly and are an absolute grafter - he may be in and out of the picture in the long term but it sounds like your DD has a fantastic example of hard work and determination in you

RHTawneyonabus · 26/03/2019 20:33

Is there a chance he could be moved to an open prison after six months or so and she could visit then? I imagine it will depend on his behaviour in prison.

bookwormish · 26/03/2019 20:34

I took my daughter to a prison to visit her father when she was about 4. Biggest mistake I've ever made & I really thought it was important to maintain their relationship etc too but I was kidding myself. It made her feel 'different' when she innocently talked about it in class and no-one else's dad was in prison. However, your child misses their dad and it sounds like it would really benefit your daughter. Be as honest as you can with her about the situation though, more like the policeman are here to keep you safe or something / make it into a game... especially as they'll ask to open your mouth & stick your tongue out which kids think is funny. My daughters dad wrote to her but lied in his letters saying he was in the bloody jungle of all things always was a fantacist Just confused her so much!

QueenEhlana · 26/03/2019 20:34

I would and I have. My DSs were so thrilled to see their dad. It broke my heart a little, seeing them so happy to see him. But he's their dad, and always will be, and I owe them that much.

Original poster

ConcealDontFeeI · 26/03/2019 20:34

Her dad told me that this is running at his prison, what a lovely scheme! He has an appointment next week to record a bedtime story for her. She'll love that I think. I know that his one now does family fun days, though he's likely to get moved after sentencing, so I'm not sure what the next one will be like. He was really happy his court case got adjourned in case the next prison doesn't offer the bedtime story programme.

OP posts:

Hellywelly10 · 26/03/2019 20:35

I think the fun days sound like a great idea. I dont envy your position op.

QuaintDuck · 26/03/2019 20:36

Ask in his PSR if he can be kept local due to relationship and visiting with daughter

Original poster

ConcealDontFeeI · 26/03/2019 20:38

Is there a chance he could be moved to an open prison after six months or so and she could visit then? I imagine it will depend on his behaviour in prison.

Maybe, but it depends how long he gets. His solicitor said it's very unlikely he'll get less than 3 years, serving 18 months. And I think open prisons are generally for the last 6 months of your sentence, though I don't know too much about it. He could get 5-8 years. But with those voice notes and text messages and things, I'd personally bet 3 years is about right, in my uneducated opinion. Half my degree was criminology but didn't massively touch on sentencing guidelines and things like that.

OP posts:

Original poster

ConcealDontFeeI · 26/03/2019 20:39

Ah, thank you. Made me cry. so nice to hear that from a stranger.

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littleleeleanne · 26/03/2019 20:40

My Dad was in prison when I was a baby and my Mum took me in. He went back into prison when I was around 10-11... I can remember bits but not much. Glad I was allowed to keep up the relationship with my Dad because now at 26 & he's finally sorted his life out we are closer than ever. It just opened my eyes and it was almost like a new experience. I doubt she'd remember going into the prison itself but keeping the relationship going is important.

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