Someone have a word with me.

[Somuchroom]

I’ll try and keep this as brief as possible. Got a “mum” friend. Our dc are same age (toddler). She comes to my house regularly (mainly uninvited/asks persistently if she can come over/randomly turns up). She stays for hours. I’m talking 6/7/8 hours. Her record was 10 hours. She sits on my sofa staring at her phone whilst I entertain and feed the dcs.
She came on friday, she asked if she could come over by message, I replied she could pop in for a cuppa. She arrived with no food for her child and remarked to her dc they were at “somuchrooms cafe”. I have never come across someone so rude. I can’t not feed her dc when he is crying and hungry. I put my dc down for a nap after I served lunch, said I had things to be getting on with. She said I should “carry on I’ll just sit here and have a cup of tea.” I didn’t make her tea. She stayed for another 4 hours and I ended up serving her dc snack and dinner.

I don’t know how to get her to leave. How can I say “please get out of my house you have entirely overstayed your welcome” in a way that won’t make me feel like the bad person? I have never ever come across this before and don’t know how to handle it. I am being 100% used. I would like if possible to have her and her dc over maybe once every couple weeks for a play date as our dcs have known each other since birth but I don’t think it’s possible.

Next time she asks, say no (with whatever excuse - I'm off out, I'm not feeling well, whatever) then suggest you meet on X day at the park/cafe etc. Be firm and persistent until the habit is broken. If she just shows up, turn her away at the door with an 'I'm off out in 5 minutes', meet you next week at park/cafe?

Mirror her behaviour back to her. Turn up at her house with your DC, stay for hours and demand meals.
She should soon get the message.

say “please get out of my house you have entirely overstayed your welcome”

^^ EXACTLY THIS! The woman is a first class CF-er with a hide like a rhino and you won't get rid of her by being polite.

She WILL take umbrage but it's also likely you won't see her again and she'll move on to her next victim so it's a WIN-WIN!!

Don't invite her back or she'll think she can continue as now.

Hoick your trews up OP and get rid!

As above....don't be afraid to use the sickness and diarrhea excuse if you run out of excuses 😊

I don't envy you OP, that's a tough one. Perhaps if she's that bad at picking up on social signals, she just doesn't realise that she's being a nuisance. If you were honest with her and she took it badly, would you really miss the friendship that much?

"It's been nice to see you, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to kick you out now."?

Wow.

OP I'd be wondering what's wrong in her own home. Does she actually feel safe there? From what you say its almost as if shes trying to avoid something or suffering some kind of depression

You cant carry on like this though - you've got your own child you are not responsible for hers. Next time suggest doing something else or be on your way out when she arrives. You have to nip this in the bud, it can't go on, but do be alert to the possiblity there is a reason behind all this than her just being a user

I’ve tried “let’s meet at the park” and she turned up at mine to go to the park together, asked if she could use the loo and once in the house then said she was really tired and could we stay in instead. I’m too soft.
She invited me to her house once and it was not a very nice environment (over flowing litter tray and used sanitary towels on floor) she then moved and I visited her new house a week after she moved and it was the same sorry affair. I waited 2 hours for her to offer a drink/snack but she didn’t, so I got my dc his snack out of our bag and then had to share it with her dc who was hungry and grabbing at the snack... I literally can’t say no to a hungry toddler. I did ask her in the end to sit her child on the sofa and he could have half of my dc snack as he was getting grubby and wiping chewed up snack on my trousers, but I had to ask her to do this...

I’ve babysat her dc so many times also but I can’t ask the same back, she smacks her dc and the thought that she might snap and do that to mine isn’t worth the risk, my dc is 10x more demanding than her laid back dc!

The thing is I’ve grown to love her little dc. I’d be really upset if i would never see him again...

The best advice i’ve seen for CFs like this is: stop worrying about making her feel bad by telling her the plain truth - someone is always going to feel bad in this situation, and currently it is you, something you have done nothing to deserve and she feels no guilt about. If you tell her she is being rude and ask her to leave she will feel bad, but she has done something to deserve it and you should not feel guilty. She has willingly created a situation where someone will feel bad. There is no reason it should be you.

Just say “No”? If she shows up don’t open the door. Even if she can see you’re at home, just don’t open the door or answer the phone!

Massive cross post - given your update she sounds at best very depressed and at worst neglectful. It sounds like her child doesn’t get fed regularly by her alone. I would be worrying about the visits less and how to involve social services more.

1. Concoct a big bowl of fake sick like sludge in your kitchen and pour down the toilet and drip over the floor before you answer the door. As she come in tell her you are an emetophobe and hand her a bucket and mop and tell her in your most cheeriwst voice that you're so glad she popped round.

1. Play Cliff Richard Greatests hits on loud and on repeat and efuse to turn off or down.

1. Answer the door starker and tell her she is now entering a Naturist only household and to get 'em off.

1. When the children are out of sight, stand in front of her and rub your thighs and tell her you have always wanted to sleep with a woman. Try and get some spinach in your teeth before hand so that your grinning come on has less appeal just in case.

1. Answer the door and ask, "Are you taking the piss or what?" Then close it in her face.

1. Get a friend or neighbour to dress up as Leatherface and call in when she comes round and he can cwtch up to her on the sofa whispering sweet nothings through his mask.

1. Have the sofa taken upstairs and offer her a camping stool to sit on.. No fucker can sit on one of them for longer than five minutes.

1. Train your child to snatch her phone and drop it in the bog.

Yes, I don’t think there is any other way. I’m going to have to just say it how it is. Maybe next time she asks to come over or turns up, I can say “you can come in for 2 hours, then you have to go. It’s too much for me when you stay for longer.” And when the 2 hours is up say “you have to leave now, I need some alone time.”
It sounds so easy, why do I struggle with it.

Oh OP you've got yourself a cheeky fucker. It's going to be all or nothing here I'm afraid, the 'normal' kind of friendship you're after isn't in her repertoire so it's this or bin her altogether. Your options are to tell her the truth and offend her so she disappears or make yourself unavailable til she gets the message and gives up. Neither is nice I realise but nor is her taking the piss with your hospitality.

She once was sick in a bucket here and left it for me to clean... she threw a stone inside my house. She leaves wrappers everywhere. She once asked me to change her dc nappy but I refused that one...
I’m a mug.

I'd just make excuses,never have her over again.Cheeky bint.

Given your update I’d be thinking about social services tbh. But assuming it’s just cf-ery, only meet outside.

She’s a cheeky fucker and you are a complete doormat. I really don’t know what else to say, tbh. You’ve allowed her to stay in your home for 10 hours and couldn’t ask her to leave?

I'm sorry op but this is not a friendship i would worry about losing.

Used sanitary towels on the floor? Dirty mare.
Absolutely no excuse for that.

Smacking her child? Again, no.

Living in squalor- I wouldn't want a cup of tea.

Tell her you're going out if she appears unannounced and actually do it. Walk around the block, whatever you have to do.

I had a friend like this. She turned up with 2 kids and stayed all day. I couldn't cope with it. She didn't take the hint and I ran out of excuses and I'd had enough of being soft so I told her straight that her plonking herself and her kids on me was making my kids resentful. Dinner was late, I was frazzled etc. She was impacting too many areas of our lives and enough was enough.
Told her straight and she didn't like it and we've never spoke since. Life is so much nicer :)

Yes I am a doormat. I literally have never know someone like this before and all my other mum friends come over and leave no problems. I struggle with the “please get out of my house now” sentence.

Does she have a DH/DP or is she a lone parent? Does she have any older children, and are there parents or other relatives living locally?

I can't help wondering whether you need to say something to your health visitor about this, she sounds as though she really isn't coping at all.

Even if she has problems she is not being a friend to you. She's using you.

Highly unlikely she will change and her sweet little child you have feelings for is foinf to have behavioural problems which may include aggressive and destructive behaviour which could be aimed at your child and your family.

You need to cut her off now before it escalates as she sounds like she could turn and make your life hell.

She has a DH, she has lots of family support. They come and clean her house every few months she told me. She is depressed and on anti depressants. She is pregnant.
In regards to her house she calls me a clean freak/ocd, and that she has better things to do than clean. She once confessed that her dc ate cat sick because she couldn’t get to him soon enough.
When we did visit, my dc started heaving as he got cat hair in his throat. I was embarrassed, she wasn’t. I had to strip us both down before we came back into our house and wash our clothes as we were covered.
I have sometimes wondered about contacting hv, when she told me she doesn’t cook and they eat takeaways every night/housekeeping issues/doesn’t brush his teeth. But she isn’t abusing her dc and he seems happy enough, I wonder if it’s just because she has different standards than me.
I sound like I’m proper bitching here...

Oh OP 🙁 you sound so sweet and lovely and this woman sounds truly awful. Bucket of sick?? What a CF