Someone have a word with me.

[Somuchroom]

I’ll try and keep this as brief as possible. Got a “mum” friend. Our dc are same age (toddler). She comes to my house regularly (mainly uninvited/asks persistently if she can come over/randomly turns up). She stays for hours. I’m talking 6/7/8 hours. Her record was 10 hours. She sits on my sofa staring at her phone whilst I entertain and feed the dcs.
She came on friday, she asked if she could come over by message, I replied she could pop in for a cuppa. She arrived with no food for her child and remarked to her dc they were at “somuchrooms cafe”. I have never come across someone so rude. I can’t not feed her dc when he is crying and hungry. I put my dc down for a nap after I served lunch, said I had things to be getting on with. She said I should “carry on I’ll just sit here and have a cup of tea.” I didn’t make her tea. She stayed for another 4 hours and I ended up serving her dc snack and dinner.

I don’t know how to get her to leave. How can I say “please get out of my house you have entirely overstayed your welcome” in a way that won’t make me feel like the bad person? I have never ever come across this before and don’t know how to handle it. I am being 100% used. I would like if possible to have her and her dc over maybe once every couple weeks for a play date as our dcs have known each other since birth but I don’t think it’s possible.

If this is real she is seriously neglecting the child and is probably on a financially abusive relationship. Or she has a gambling habit.
The best way you can look after her dc is to report her to social services and her hv. They are there to help the child and parent and are not the big bad wolf.

Omg howww annoying. I would struggle to ask someone to leave, making an excuse would be what I would do. Have them over but say you have to leave after x amount of time so then they have to go.

Seriously you need to look at yourself and ask why on earth you allowed this woman to treat you like this? You need to value yourself, your time, your home and put your family first. You are not responsible for saving the world when you struggle to save yourself! Try to develop some backbone. Sounds like your DH is helpful and on board so get him to tell you if you are being a pushover.

You are much too soft to have let this go on so long.

my DH is horrified. He can’t understand how I have allowed this to happen and continue to happen because I’m actually a very assertive women in every other aspect of my life. I think at first I genuinely pitied her and thought she wasn’t coping well, now I’ve come to realise that this is just who she is as a person and it was her decision to have another child that has made me feel uncomfortable. Why would you have a second child when you are so open about not doing your best for the first? I also fear that when the second baby comes she will put on me even more. There are so so many things that have happened I genuinely feel embarrassed I’ve allowed it to go on, but I guess I wanted to maintain the friendship for our children’s sake.

I'm struggling to believe you'd have someone like this in your house at all tbh. Unless you're exaggerating the sick stories.

She was at my house, said she felt sick, I gave her the mop bucket, she went into my back garden as to not scare the children, left the bucket there to use again if needed. I didn’t realise she left it with sick in. I have an outside tap and a drain. I thought it would be common sense to clean it out so didn’t ask her to. Went into the garden a few hours later to retrieve it (for a good bleach) and it was there with sick in.
The cat sick incident she told me over message. So I can’t vouch if that happened. I can only take her word for it.
Another sick story, she vomited over her pushchair, walked round town for a couple hours, came to mine and asked for something to clean the sick off with. I gave her antibacterial wipes, she didn’t use them and left a few hours later with sick still on the buggy.

When I told my DH about the cat sick incident, he was heaving. I made it clear to her that it was disgraceful but she didn’t seem to think it was bad. I don’t understand how she couldn’t “get to him in time.” I don’t know why she told me either. I would be ashamed.

This woman sounds actually quite ill, to be honest. Sick on her own buggy and then wandered around town for hours - she can't be well. I'd be reporting this ASAP as it sounds like she really needs help.

Hey SomuchRoom,

Your thread caught my eye. On your note about how "she isn't abusing her dc and he seems happy enough..."

Everyone has different standards, but it sounds like she needs her standards assessed by someone professional i.e. Health Visitor or Social Worker. As someone who has personal experiences with these authorities, I would say... you have every right to bitch here, but if you're serious about seeing something done right for her little one, get the Health Visitor involved. Or get strict yourself. It's tough love - it's hard, but consistently not providing for her own child's needs is a no-no.

You'd be safeguarding the children's welfare.

Excuse me HV my friends house is a shit tip but she doesn’t think it is, her dc has only ever eaten vegetables when he’s at my house as “they are disgusting” apparently and his 4 teeth don’t get brushed. However he is a good weight, happy and warm.
Would they not think I’m just a dick?

No op they wont think you're a dick. It needs to happen.

And I'd distance yourself completely. She sounds bored and lonely/lazy and has latched on to you because you make life very easy for her - feeding her child and babysitting.

Just start making your excuses when she calls turns up messages you. Just say can't do x today sorry.

She sounds awful whatever the issue is and you are being used .

No, you would be raising legitimate concerns. That sounds like a terrible situation for a child to be raised in and no one would think you were overreacting.

This has made me so sad for the little boy, please contact SS. I'm sure he is loved but it sounds like he has a hard wee life.

What you have described is neglect. Neglect is a serious form of abuse. Report it to the HV and SS. They need proper intervention and support.

Whether you decide to maintain contact or not is up to you but her children need your help here, that they can’t ask for, but you can.

@Somuchroom
Excuse me HV my friends house is a shit tip but she doesn’t think it is, her dc has only ever eaten vegetables when he’s at my house as “they are disgusting” apparently and his 4 teeth don’t get brushed. However he is a good weight, happy and warm.
Would they not think I’m just a dick?

Why don't you put it more in the way you put in your posts here on MN? The way you put it above sounds minimising and I know you don't want to that. Put forward the facts you really do know clearly, calmly and honestly.

Remember also the episode when you took your child over and you both had to strip your clothes off before you entered your home because of the cat hair. Her child is living in those conditions and there'll soon be another in the same situation.

She needs help OP - whether it is that she won't or can't help herself, and more importantly her child(ren) also. She needs more than you are able to give, as much as you have tried.

I know you feel bad about going this but you have real concerns so please bite the bullet and get them the help they need. What will happen otherwise?

There is an excellent poster who I think name changed after the last security issue who quite rightly says cheeky fuckers get away with it because we let them!

She's thick skinned enough to be a rude sponger using your electric/heat/food/drink she can be bloody well thick skinned enough to take you telling her to pack it in graciously and if she doesn't cut her off completely!

Your toddler I promise you doesn't give a toss whether you maintain this friendship or not and even if they were old enough to give a damn that's no excuse not to deal with this chancer in no uncertain terms!

With your update plus your comments about her not feeding her child you need to be calling SS.

Neglect especially on this level IS abuse.

"Excuse me HV my friends house is a shit tip but she doesn’t think it is, her dc has only ever eaten vegetables when he’s at my house as “they are disgusting” apparently and his 4 teeth don’t get brushed. However he is a good weight, happy and warm.
Would they not think I’m just a dick?" This is not the whole truth though it's more like

"Excuse me HV (personally I'd speak direct to SS) but I have become aware of a situation that seriously concerns me, "friends" house is extremely unsanitary to the point that it's a health and safety risk to her child & others, the child repeatedly complains of being hungry, I've been told many anecdotes which strongly suggest hazardous neglect, basic hygiene and nutrition needs of the child I believe are not being met, she's admitted she smacks him and claims she has no access to family funds for basics like food"

I say SS rather than hv as I can see her refusing to engage with hv and they can't push the matter, whereas SS have a bit more authority, plus it sounds like things are pretty bad.

You said it better than I managed to Graphista