Someone have a word with me.

[Somuchroom]

I’ll try and keep this as brief as possible. Got a “mum” friend. Our dc are same age (toddler). She comes to my house regularly (mainly uninvited/asks persistently if she can come over/randomly turns up). She stays for hours. I’m talking 6/7/8 hours. Her record was 10 hours. She sits on my sofa staring at her phone whilst I entertain and feed the dcs.
She came on friday, she asked if she could come over by message, I replied she could pop in for a cuppa. She arrived with no food for her child and remarked to her dc they were at “somuchrooms cafe”. I have never come across someone so rude. I can’t not feed her dc when he is crying and hungry. I put my dc down for a nap after I served lunch, said I had things to be getting on with. She said I should “carry on I’ll just sit here and have a cup of tea.” I didn’t make her tea. She stayed for another 4 hours and I ended up serving her dc snack and dinner.

I don’t know how to get her to leave. How can I say “please get out of my house you have entirely overstayed your welcome” in a way that won’t make me feel like the bad person? I have never ever come across this before and don’t know how to handle it. I am being 100% used. I would like if possible to have her and her dc over maybe once every couple weeks for a play date as our dcs have known each other since birth but I don’t think it’s possible.

Is she using your WiFi OP? As well as to feed and entertain her DC If so, maybe change the password and claim you don't know the new one.

That is not friendship, it's a transaction and only you are paying the price...every...single...time.
Time to pull on your big girl pants.
When she asks to come over say yes, for x amount of time. When she comes, set the kitchen timer and tell her to leave when it goes off.
Do not feed anyone during that time.rinse and repeat...every single time

So her DH isn't doing any cooking, cleaning or ensuring his children have clean teeth either?

No her dh doesn’t do any cleaning or cooking either. His dc is in bed by the time he comes home from work (5pm bed time). From what I gather it’s a strange set up. She has to ask for money and is regularly refused. It’s “his money” apparently. I’ve tried explaining to her it’s family money but it falls on deaf ears. She doesn’t have access to even the child benefit.
I’ve suggested before that her dh could prepare the food the night before for her and dc but this doesn’t happen. I’m confused by it to be fair. She loves him deeply but they both seem out for themselves if that makes sense. No nice gestures. Her dh does get up with dc every morning and fix him some cereal.

That sounds highly neglectful and frankly I’d be tempted to contact social services as it sounds like those children are not being properly cared for and she or both parents need support. The fact that she’s bringing another child into that household is not a good thing.

I thought child benefit was always paid into the mother’s account?

They have a joint account and she doesn’t have access. She requests to borrow his credit card when she needs something. They are hard up for cash day to day (although parents have stumped up cash for house deposit). I filled out the universal credit claim and basically demanded she do it, as far as I know it’s still not done. I can’t help someone who won’t help themselves but I have tried. I try to tell her about easy recipes. I’ve offered to help her clean her house. I’ve had to accept that she is happy the way things are.

Used sanitary towels on the floor? Sick at your house in a bucket? That's horrendous! I'd not be answering the door if she turned up! Surely she must know that her behaviour is not acceptable?

When she was sick in a bucket it was morning sickness from pregnancy so I do get it. I didn’t realise she had left the bucket of sick in my garden for me to clean until she left a few hours later...

Honestly sounds exactly like someone i know
I just stopped replying to messages, and answering the door
Took ages and ages before she got the hint.
This was a while back. Shes now started at hinting coming round again
I may move

It is absolutely neglectful parenting. You need to contact social services so they can be offered support.

But why do you have her over and babysit for her? I don't get it. You're not enjoying the company. She treats you appallingly, she's clearly not a friend. Just tell her no, you're busy every time.

She turns up a lot of the time. She once turned up at 7:30am, she got her dh to drop her here on the way to work. We were still in bed.
I love her dc and I want my dc and hers to have a relationship, a normal play date relationship. I don’t think it’s possible though. I’m just going to have to stop it all from happening. I will miss him and I worry that no one will be keeping tabs on him when the new baby arrives. I’m worried for his future. But I’m not sure if my worries are justified.

Of course your worries are justified! Contact her HV, sounds like she needs some support.

'Oh hi! It's really not a good time now, sorry you can't come in, bye!'

@Somuchroom
Having read your updates, and on reflection, perhaps you could also contact SS so that she and, more importantly her child/future child can be monitored and helped. The house sounds positively unsanitary - why would you take your child there?

She needs help from SS to shift for herself also though so that she gets her own account opened for the child benefits and/or UC can be paid into that for her ONLY - not her DH to access. She also has other family to help so you should still feel able to severely restrict her access to your home. If you really wanted to I'd offer 30mins when in your heart you know she'd be there over an hour.

I'm afraid I'd still not have her round though - bucket of sick left for you to clear up? That's disgusting.

You’ll have to not answer door or tell her you are going out in x minutes (as long as you think it’ll take to get ready and then actually go.
You can’t support this much longer. I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone like this, regardless of the child. Unless you want to see her child because you’re worried about him. In which case SS is a good call

I honestly wouldn't say "you can come for 2 hours". You already know she'll overstay and/or manipulate you into letting her do so. As awful as this sounds, you need to take a step back. If you feel it's appropriate, call SS or any other agency & ask advice.

Must be my ex best friend
One day I just didn't answer the door. She was like your friend but sometimes didn't bother warning me.
She stopped talking to me, once I realised I was being used and put boundaries in.
Maybe try that!!

I don’t think it matters if she’s happy, it sounds like she is in an a suite relationship and she may not know how bad it is, plus her DC should not be living in this environment.

So I still think you should call social services.

A suite should read abusive. She is being financially abused.

She sounds like she’s being financially abused.

Her DC sounds like they are being neglected. Lack of food/access to money to buy food. Unsanitary living conditions.

She smacks her toddler.

She is pregnant, a high-risk time for women and bringing another child into this.

I really think you should report. I’m very sorry but there’s all sorts wrong and if you are fond of that little DC the best thing you can do is report and get her some help.

Seems like she is lazy wants to use your house as a play area and get free food. her child eat cat sick thats just awful, i think she needs help a parenting class or something.

Unfortunately it is real. I appreciate everyone’s input. I spoke to my DH last night about it all. I’m going to end the “friendship” and leave her to it. I think I will contact HV and ask if someone can go around to check on her/offer support. I have offered to help her but she is genuinely happy with the way that she lives.