Should I not take DS to this child-free wedding?

[EntenteCordiale]

A wedding one! Just what we all need

Rather than 'should we go', I'm more asking 'should we not go'.

Situation is as follows: I have a much older brother who has one DD who is getting married in July. I am a single parent with one 9 year old DS who has autism. He is pretty high functioning and is in mainstream school.

I had lunch with various family members today (niece wasn't there) and we were chatting about the wedding. When the conversation moved on, my brother turned to me and said quietly that the wedding invitations were about to go out soon but 'the thing is, there won't be any other children there'. He then explained that loads of my nieces friends have children but there are just too many and they won't all fit. Fair enough.

Then he said 'so it might be a bit awkward and we were wondering if G (my DS) might be happier going to stay with a friend or something for the evening?'

I think he is saying they'd rather I didn't bring him

The wedding is nearly 2 hours away and I've booked a hotel for me and DS. He's never stayed away from me overnight except with his grandma (and obviously she'll be at the wedding) and doesn't really have any friends.

So should I take him and just leave early (which is what I was planning on doing - I won't know anyone other than my immediate family) or just make my excuses altogether because actually they'd rather I didn't bring him.

I'm sure if I asked my niece, she'd say of course he should come but she's super polite and I wonder if my brother was being the messenger

I'm not massively bothered either way (annoying that I've paid for the hotel) but would be interested in what other people would do in my shoes.

Just don't go. Your brother is clearly being the messenger.

I’d ask your brother outright and then decide.

Of course I wouldn't take him. He isn't invited. How difficult is that to understand?

Wait and see if the wedding invitation has DS' name on it too?? If he isn't invited I wouldn't go / see if u can transfer the hotel booking to someone else if you can't cancel

I think your brother was politely saying don’t bring him. Most likely because if you make an exception for one it’ll make it awkward for all the other family and close friends they’ve said ‘no kids’ to. I would politely decline but tell your brother why and maybe see if another guest could take the hotel room?

I would explain to your brother that if your son doesn’t go then neither do you so which would they prefer .

what backforgood said
He isn't invited

Wait and see what the invitation saysz

I would just outright explain that you are happy either way, but if he isn't going you'll need to give it a miss too, so can they let you know which they would prefer?

BackforGood it isn't that clear at all. The invitations haven't gone out but the op has clearly previously been given to understand he would be invited.

Obviously you can't farm him out and there are now stupid, stupid half spoken hints and ridiculous between the lines messages being conveyed.

The inability of people to just say what they mean puts so many others in awkward possitions and creates situations ripe for misunderstanding. Infuriating. Not inviting children is fine but the implying instead of saying in order not to look bad looses any and all claims to high moral ground.

Given your brother's hinting I'd decine the invitation. Of course he may have spoken out of turn without his daughter knowing, but you'll never know as he's put you in an impossible position where you can't ask otherwise it'll be implied you're the one putting him in a difficult position. Bloody game playing.

I hope you can get the price of the hotel refunded

It really doesn't sound like he is invited and I don't think at all it's anything other than it's a childfree wedding!

Have they ever actually mentioned him being invited or did you just assume and now they are trying to let you know gently that you’ve made a mistake?

There has never been any question that he is invited. They have asked me about what he will eat (I've said I'll bring food) and know I've booked the hotel.

I don’t think you should ask which option they would prefer, it seems pretty clear that children aren’t invited & your brother was trying to tell you this tactfully. If you haven’t got childcare then just be honest & decline the invitation politely. If they really want you both at the wedding they might then say ‘please do come and of course your DS is welcome’, but leave it up to the hosts to make that offer.

If he’s invited, there’s no problem with taking him.

Ifhes invited, take him.

Eek.

I think I would speak directly to your neice. Your brother might think be is helping when actually he is being a busy body.

If she says yes just do your plan and stay for a short bit. Thats no problem at all.

They shouldn't have let you think he was invited if they were going to change thwir mind. You're obviously not in a position to leave him

It sounds to me like your DB is telling you gently not to expect an invite for your DS. It was an assumption on your part to expect an invite for him and book a hotel, unless they told you previously he was invited and have changed their minds which case it would be a totally different scenario.

If the invite arrives and he isn’t invited, which is I think likely, and don’t have anyone to babysit then you’ll have to politely decline and not go. You can’t take him to a child free wedding that he isn’t invited to. Hopefully you’ll get your money back on the hotel.

I have a feeling that your DS won’t be invited and your DB tried to explain you politely in advance why not, knowing that you usually attend family events together.
I understand your situation completely, I have a child with additional needs and other people can’t understand that leaving with a friend might be absolutely impossible. I would actually have a chat with your DB. Your son is close family, he is cousin, it’s not a friend’s child. There are situations when family must make exceptions, they should look at bigger picture. It’s not your fault that you are in this situation.

Just to be clear. He's invited, no question. The question is whether I should take him.

X posted with you, if they’ve asked what he’ll eat that definitely implies he’s invited. How bizarre! Yes speak directly to your neice but I wouldn’t be impressed if they’ve let you book a hotel then have changed their minds. How cruel to your DS

The ops son was asked what he will e eating and they let her book her hotel. Christ. She's not being a cheeky fucker. They are.
Ietting a single parent book a hotel and then changing the invite is shit.

My DN was married recently, it never occurred to me that I and my DH could be invited without our daughter, his cousin. It would be our last conversation.

Wait and see what the invitation says. If he's not on it, think about if you're going to go or not. If he is, you can take him without guilt.

We had children at our wedding, but even if we hadn't my 9-year-old nephew would have been invited and welcome as my only sibling's only child. Any other guest should expect such a close relative to be there, even if no other children were.

Oops, took me too long to type!

As he's invited, of course go and take him and have a lovely time. It may be your DB was trying to discourage you for reasons relating to other guests wanting to being children, or your son's autism or a hundred other reasons.

I hope you both have a lovely time!