Should I not take DS to this child-free wedding?

[EntenteCordiale]

A wedding one! Just what we all need

Rather than 'should we go', I'm more asking 'should we not go'.

Situation is as follows: I have a much older brother who has one DD who is getting married in July. I am a single parent with one 9 year old DS who has autism. He is pretty high functioning and is in mainstream school.

I had lunch with various family members today (niece wasn't there) and we were chatting about the wedding. When the conversation moved on, my brother turned to me and said quietly that the wedding invitations were about to go out soon but 'the thing is, there won't be any other children there'. He then explained that loads of my nieces friends have children but there are just too many and they won't all fit. Fair enough.

Then he said 'so it might be a bit awkward and we were wondering if G (my DS) might be happier going to stay with a friend or something for the evening?'

I think he is saying they'd rather I didn't bring him

The wedding is nearly 2 hours away and I've booked a hotel for me and DS. He's never stayed away from me overnight except with his grandma (and obviously she'll be at the wedding) and doesn't really have any friends.

So should I take him and just leave early (which is what I was planning on doing - I won't know anyone other than my immediate family) or just make my excuses altogether because actually they'd rather I didn't bring him.

I'm sure if I asked my niece, she'd say of course he should come but she's super polite and I wonder if my brother was being the messenger

I'm not massively bothered either way (annoying that I've paid for the hotel) but would be interested in what other people would do in my shoes.

Your son was originally invited esp if they asked about food

Maybe they are concerned he may be bored as no other children

FWIW I’m getting married next year and said no to children of friends as all bar 3 have children - so not enough room to have them all and would mean some adults can’t be invited

But obv family children are invited

Sending invites out 3mths before getting married sounds late unless they have told everyone the date and to save it

Maybe ask your niece outright?

Have a lovely day with him at the wedding and spend the evening watching a film you are both invited it just sounds like the evening is the issue.

We had a save the date card last year Blondes!

Well my brother has sent me an email this morning suggesting that DS might like to bring a friend along so clearly I got the wrong end of the stick!

Thanks for the sounding board

Ah. That sounds good. They were clearly concerned he might be bored.

If I were you, I'd seriously consider if I could find someone to have him if he wouldn't be particularly bothered about going. If he would like to go or you really haven't got anyone to leave him with, then take him without guilt - with or without a friend.

Really pleased to hear your update. I hope you both enjoy the wedding!

Glad it's sorted op.

How lovely all sorted and can take a friend

That’s a good update!

The ops son was asked what he will e eating and they let her book her hotel.

I can only guess that maybe the whole "no children" thing has cropped up since that conversation. I would just ask your brother to clarify / or wait to get the invitation and see what it says. But in your shoes I wouldn't go without DS.

It is not essential to ask cousins to your wedding. It is not essential to ask any children to your wedding, though obviously this may mean the parents don’t come. You can’t be invited to a wedding before you receive the invitation, unless it is a very casual thing with no invitations.
Having a friend there for your ds when other children who are closer to the couple getting married does seem very strange to me.

I had a child free weeding. We only had our DD there no other children. I would have been so annoyed if someone had allowed their child to tag along.

If you're bit happy to leave him then don't go.

Offering to bring a friend is very generous, but I wouldn’t take them up on it. You can keep your son company for the evening.

my brother has sent me an email this morning suggesting that DS might like to bring a friend along so clearly I got the wrong end of the stick!

I wonder whether in fact it was your brother who got the wrong end of the stick, & when your niece heard what he’d said she sent him back with the update...!

Good news anyway

Is it really weird to assume you're invited to the wedding of a close family member before you receive the invitation? We have had extensive conversations about venues and food etc. I'm sure both our names were on the save the date envelope too.

Tunnock - there aren't any other children who are close to the b&g - my brother said they are the children of rugby club friends. So no close friends' children are being excluded - none of them have kids.

I do think I won't bring a friend though. He can hang out with me and my sister. I shouldn't think she'll want to stay until the bitter end either!

Is it really weird to assume you're invited to the wedding of a close family member before you receive the invitation

Yes it is. Your Ds is this girls cousin. We didn't have many cousins at our wedding at all. In our case it wasn't feasible as there are too many. We haven't been invited to many cousins weddings either, most who married before us. So I'd say it's pretty unreasonable to assume a cousin would be invited to a wedding.

Glad you have had the matter clarified since though.

My niece has 3 cousins, her fiancé has one. He has one sibling, she has none. As I said earlier, they spend every Christmas with us (often hosted by me).

In my family, it would be odd to assume that cousins would be invited, but in my husband's family totally normal. When you got the save the date card, if it was addressed to both of you then that would make me assume the same thing.
Up until now, everybody has been behaving as if your son would be invited. So it's only natural that you would think this. When you get the invitation it should all be a bit clearer, but I'd speak to the bride to be sure.

How lovely of the bride and groom to let him bring a friend.

I would ask DS what he'd like to do, OP and run with that, if it's at all feasible.