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Original poster

Should I not take DS to this child-free wedding?

68 replies

EntenteCordiale · 23/03/2019 21:09

A wedding one! Just what we all need Grin

Rather than 'should we go', I'm more asking 'should we not go'.

Situation is as follows: I have a much older brother who has one DD who is getting married in July. I am a single parent with one 9 year old DS who has autism. He is pretty high functioning and is in mainstream school.

I had lunch with various family members today (niece wasn't there) and we were chatting about the wedding. When the conversation moved on, my brother turned to me and said quietly that the wedding invitations were about to go out soon but 'the thing is, there won't be any other children there'. He then explained that loads of my nieces friends have children but there are just too many and they won't all fit. Fair enough.

Then he said 'so it might be a bit awkward and we were wondering if G (my DS) might be happier going to stay with a friend or something for the evening?'

I think he is saying they'd rather I didn't bring him

The wedding is nearly 2 hours away and I've booked a hotel for me and DS. He's never stayed away from me overnight except with his grandma (and obviously she'll be at the wedding) and doesn't really have any friends.

So should I take him and just leave early (which is what I was planning on doing - I won't know anyone other than my immediate family) or just make my excuses altogether because actually they'd rather I didn't bring him.

I'm sure if I asked my niece, she'd say of course he should come but she's super polite and I wonder if my brother was being the messenger

I'm not massively bothered either way (annoying that I've paid for the hotel) but would be interested in what other people would do in my shoes.

OP posts:
Veterinari · 23/03/2019 21:43

Take him. He’s invited, they’ve asked about food, they’re clearly ok with him being there. He’s Not a screeching toddler.
Ignore your ‘helpful’ DBro

If he raises it again simply say
‘oh that’s a shame, there’s no One to watch DS, so neither of us can make it then’

Original poster
EntenteCordiale · 23/03/2019 21:46

I can take him without guilt. The question is much more subtle - it's about whether I should take him, given it seems either my brother or my niece/fiancé would rather I didn't. I don't know if that's because they think:
A. he will be uncomfortable
B. their friends will be pissed off that they couldn't bring their children
C. he might be obviously autistic and embarrass them

OP posts:
greenlynx · 23/03/2019 21:48

sorry, I was helping with washing hair and didn’t notice your update.
There is no question. He’s invited and that’s it. I don’t like your DB’s intervention at all. What is he trying to say? They invited you and your DS to look good hoping that you won’t come? I wouldn’t discuss this with him. Your DS is invited and will go to his cousin’s wedding. Just it. Hope you both will have a nice time.

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Fantababy · 23/03/2019 21:50

If there's no question he's invited, why would your brother have (seemingly deliberately) given you the impression that he wasn't?

greenlynx · 23/03/2019 21:51

It’s the third, of course! And I suspect older generation, younger generation is much more accepting in my experience.

LittleMissFunTimes · 23/03/2019 21:52

What are you people on?!

He’s invited!! Unless brother has history of being a nasty bastard he’s simply asking OP if her DS might be more comfortable not going.

OP you know he won’t be happy being on his own. How do you think he’ll feel being with you at the wedding?

JaneEyre07 · 23/03/2019 21:52

He's saying that they don't want you to bring him to the evening do, not the wedding in the day.

You just need to choose whether or not to drive home; or stay overnight but be excluded from the evening party. Will your DS be aware that the party is still going on but you're not joining in?

Fantababy · 23/03/2019 21:52

Oops, just seen update. I think if they don't want him there I'd not go either if I were you. I'd ask your niece directly if I was you.

Crossfitgirl · 23/03/2019 21:54

I'd just take him and do your original plan of leaving early, you're both invited and that's obviously been made clear.

If you aren't sure, then speak to your niece directly and just ask. Best to be honest, and if you're genuinely not fussed either way then I'm sure she won't mind being honest with you too. Your brother may be just giving you his own opinion rather than your nieces!?

Funkaccino · 23/03/2019 21:55

Is it possible he was letting you know you don't have to feel obligated to take him?

Anyway I think you should take him and you should ignire your db. It's not his wedding.

vdbfamily · 23/03/2019 21:55

From what you wrote I think you were just being informed that if you thought your son would be happier elsewhere they would not be offended. I would take him if that is what he would prefer.

Travelledtheworld · 23/03/2019 21:55

My DH was asked to be best man at a good friends wedding but we were told we couldn't bring our nine month old daughter with us, as she might cry and spoil the wedding...

None of us went..

SeventhWave · 23/03/2019 21:59

They are letting you know in advance that he will be the only child there, andperhaos they think he might find it rather dull or frustrating/boring. I'm sure they also understand his condition, and are giving you the opportunity to decide whether you think he will be ok or would be better staying with a friend instead. To be honest, most 9-year-old boys wouldn't want to go to a wedding would they?
I also think that they would like an answer before the invitations go out, especially if they are tight for numbers, so they know whether to include him or not.

DonaldTramp · 23/03/2019 22:00

Don't make a drama out of not going (as others seem to suggest!).
Explain calmly to your brother that you'd love to be there and had planned to stay in the hotel and leave early etc etc - but there really isn't anyone you can leave DS with so if they don't want him there at all, you'll have to regretfully decline.

SeventhWave · 23/03/2019 22:01

On balance, I say that if he has somewhere else he can be, then I'd not take him. You know how he is likely to feel about that though.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 23/03/2019 22:04

how does your son feel about going? Is he looking forward to it, or is it more something that he will have to manage?

MsTSwift · 23/03/2019 22:04

Pretty much every child free wedding I’ve been to makes an exception for the couples siblings kids. No one would question that unless they were unreasonable weirdos.

kateandme · 23/03/2019 22:12

if you and he want to go op then do so.and have a lovely time.youve been invited.dont overthink it.if they ar ebeing nasty bastard then id want you to go and hold you head high.ouve an invite you've every right to be there hun.
do you feel uncomfortable now.not that you should!
are you close to dn.could you talk to your mum or her and get their view point?it could be someone else take on it will clarify things for you

goldengummybear · 23/03/2019 22:14

I think you need to ask your brother for specifics but I'm assuming that your extended family do not know your son very well and in particular how his autism manifests. I do not think like the scenarios below but could it be

1- Are they worried that your son will find the wedding too much? (Noise, light etc)

2- Are they worried that your son will be bored as there's no other kids to play with nor child entertainment?

3- Do they think autistic = badly behaved? Do they think he will ruin things by behaving like what they think is an autistic child?

4- Was your son invited out of courtesy and they expected you to decline out of courtesy? There was a thread recently where bride and groom invited sister with badly behaved kids and they thought that she would definitely decline the invite. There was definitely more than one child and a husband in this scenario.

Did you tell your brother that he hasn't got other people to stay with? It may be that your brother thinks that you deserve a child-Free night where you dance the night away.

Quartz2208 · 23/03/2019 22:14

Its clearly B that they are having some pushback and cancellations from friends

Also they do say the evening - so maybe just do the rest and go back to the hotel then when it starts getting later because thinking about the wedding below it very quickly come 7pm got very drunken because no one else had kids with them!

But as MsTSwift has said its normal that close family children are an exception. My SIL had a child free wedding apart from DD, and her husband to be children and nieces and nephews (and one 3 week old baby). That said it was a little more difficult because I had to wrangle a 2 year old flower girl whilst watching everyone else get drunk!

PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin · 23/03/2019 22:17

I think you should ask your niece and say to her that you understand no other children will be there and your DS will be the only one. If you phrase it to say that you don’t want to make things awkward and you’re more than happy not to bring him if she would prefer or if she is worried about other people not bringing their children. If she replies saying not to bring him, then you can decline the invite for both of you.

MiddleClassProblem · 23/03/2019 22:18

Do you think DS will be uncomfortable? Can you ask your brother what they honestly are concerned about?

You don’t sound like you would be offended by the answer and want to figure out a way to do the right thing so I thibk just have an honest conversation and make that clear you’re not offended but you do have things that might make it tricky.

HeronLanyon · 23/03/2019 22:22

Sounds as though he’s been invited but now that the wedding is child-free this was an attempt at un-inviting him.

Gitfeatures · 23/03/2019 22:27

I imagine the niece doesn't want to have to explain to her friends why their kids aren't welcome but yours is. She's no doubt closer to them than she is to you.

NewAccount270219 · 23/03/2019 22:33

This is more or less exactly what we said to DH's cousin about his son - that he was invited but there wouldn't be any other children his age there (just a few little babies) so it might not be fun for him. We meant exactly what we said! He was totally welcome from our point of view but we thought the cousin might assume there'd be a gang of kids to play with and there wouldn't be, so it would be quite boring. He chose not to bring him in the end but we would have been just as happy if he did come - it was genuinely information, not a coded hint.

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