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Original poster

Would this be terrible wedding guest etiquette?

91 replies

NigelYerABawbag · 23/03/2019 19:40

A cousin is getting married in the summer. I've been invited but only me, not the DC (I'm a single parent). According to my parents (who are both invited) this is down to finances as they are trying to keep the numbers manageable as both bride and groom have really big families. It's not a no children wedding, it's going to be really relaxed and informal, but money is tight which is more than understandable!

My DC are 16 and 8 and my 16 yr old was super excited when she saw the invitation and then disappointed when she realised it was for me only.

I won't be able to go, because my younger DC has additional needs and I won't be able to get childcare for him (only other people that can handle him are my parents who will both be at the wedding!).

So... Would it be utterly out of order for me to ask if my 16 yr old could go with my parents in my place? She's incredibly sensible and knows how to behave, and would be so delighted to get to go and wear a nice dress etc. It's the sort of thing I wouldn't bat an eyelid at if it was my wedding but obviously it isn't my wedding never again and I don't fancy being CF of the week in AIBU if I ask

OP posts:

StoppinBy · 23/03/2019 21:09

I don't see the issue, we had it happen to us, it is not even in the top 20 things I think of when I think about my wedding, go for it, ask nicely and start it off with 'I wont be offended or upset if this isn't ok' then go right ahead and ask, you have clearly given them an out.

Flyingpie · 23/03/2019 21:11

This is exactly the kind of thing that happens in my family. I've been to a few parties to 'represent' my mum. And I once went to a wedding in place of my aunt...my gran couldn't manage on her own and I was the only person available to accompany her.
Perfectly acceptable!

DadDadDad · 23/03/2019 21:13

It is fascinating that on this thread, few are saying "I can see both sides, but on balance I would / wouldn't" - instead there's a polarised split between those who think it's a lovely idea and can't hurt to tactfully ask and those who are horrified that you would put the bride and groom in such an awkward position.

Interested in this thread?

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General relationships Weddings

coffeeaddiction · 23/03/2019 21:13

No I think that would be rude , it's an invite to a wedding for you not a ticket to a concert you can pass on to a friend

Flyingpie · 23/03/2019 21:13

Oh and I've just remembered! At our wedding, a friend's partner was too I'll to attend, so she brought her mum instead. We were glad the meal didn't go to waste and happy she had someone to enjoy the day with.

lyralalala · 23/03/2019 21:13

I think you should be very prepared for them to say no if you, or your parents, ask as they've probably not invited the children of any of the cousins and it could cause them issues if all of a sudden it seems like Cousin A's kid is invited but B and C's kids haven't been.

IHaveBrilloHair · 23/03/2019 21:14

No, they've invited you, not your daughter.

Original poster

NigelYerABawbag · 23/03/2019 21:20

I'm the oldest cousin by about a decade and none of the other 15 cousins on our side of the family have any DC yet. Some of my cousins are in fact younger than my DC (my parents were very young when I was born and I was fairly young when I had my older child). I think there is 33 years between me and my youngest cousin! It's a funny dynamic, which has contributed to my uncertainty about the issue tbh.

OP posts:

MissMoan · 23/03/2019 21:41

I think this is a lovely idea. Your dc gets to enjoy the wedding and at no additional cost to your cousin.

Leeds2 · 23/03/2019 21:43

I wouldn't ask, no.

As others have said, I bet they have a list of people they would like to ask if anyone declines. And your DD is probably not on that list!

StillWould · 23/03/2019 21:47

OP how can you say a shortlist never occurred to you when in your opening post you acknowledge they have budgetary constraints, narrowing the guest list is an obvious necessity in such situations (in addition to choosing an appropriate venue, catering etc). You know they have a limited budget yet you think you should choose/nominate who attends i.e how they should spend their money. That’s really not appropriate however well intentioned towards your own daughter.

greenlynx · 23/03/2019 23:23

It’s exactly the thing that happens in my family too. The invite would be for 2 people in the family ( obviously for parents) and in some cases parents would rather send grown up kids than bother themselves. They would tell about this, of course, something along the lines : Oh, I don’t drink and dance anymore, have a very important review at work, etc. would it be ok if Mary will come instead” Mind you, the numbers will be kept strictly the same or less. This person will bring a card and a present from the whole family. But we have a few gaps in the family, e.g a nephew and an aunt are about the same age. So it will go as facilitating relationships between people of similar age.

Chocolate35 · 23/03/2019 23:31

Someone did this at my wedding. A few days before we were told that X couldn’t make it and could his sibling bring his partner instead. It was a no-brainer that we would say yes. Numbers are finalised and paid for around a month before a wedding so why waste the place. I think it’s fine. I’ve gone with one of my parents when the other has been ill. It’s not as if your sending a randomer in your place. I wouldn’t class a 16 year old as a child either in this case.

Loopytiles · 24/03/2019 10:39

“Testing the waters” via parents would, in effect, be asking, and worse than asking your cousin directly IMO.

Thecowinthemeadowgoesmoo · 24/03/2019 12:00

I had a similar situation with my cousin's wedding, except it was my stepdad who couldn't attend. My Mum had just had an op and couldn't drive so we asked my cousin if I could go instead. She was fine with it. Obviously I'm an adult and it was only the evening reception if that makes a difference? I'm getting married in May and would have absolutely no problem if this kind of situation came up, mind you ours is going to be a very relaxed affair!

HogMother · 24/03/2019 13:57

To my mind, those statements are contradictory

If there are enough rsvp no, then daughter will be bumped to the top and get an invite, if she is on the list at all. If she doesn’t, or isn’t even on the list, then she’s no chance of going. No temperature check is going to explain this. So no, it’s not contradictory... in my mind

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