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Original poster

Would this be terrible wedding guest etiquette?

91 replies

NigelYerABawbag · 23/03/2019 19:40

A cousin is getting married in the summer. I've been invited but only me, not the DC (I'm a single parent). According to my parents (who are both invited) this is down to finances as they are trying to keep the numbers manageable as both bride and groom have really big families. It's not a no children wedding, it's going to be really relaxed and informal, but money is tight which is more than understandable!

My DC are 16 and 8 and my 16 yr old was super excited when she saw the invitation and then disappointed when she realised it was for me only.

I won't be able to go, because my younger DC has additional needs and I won't be able to get childcare for him (only other people that can handle him are my parents who will both be at the wedding!).

So... Would it be utterly out of order for me to ask if my 16 yr old could go with my parents in my place? She's incredibly sensible and knows how to behave, and would be so delighted to get to go and wear a nice dress etc. It's the sort of thing I wouldn't bat an eyelid at if it was my wedding but obviously it isn't my wedding never again and I don't fancy being CF of the week in AIBU if I ask Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
NigelYerABawbag · 23/03/2019 20:38

You can forget the pitying "I feel sorry for your poor cousin" shit tho, thank you very much @Aridane

I haven't asked her

Instead, I've turned to MN for a reality check and I've been told I shouldn't ask, so I won't.

Stop trying to make out I'm a mannerless pushy cow!

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DadDadDad · 23/03/2019 20:40

I've been told I shouldn't ask, so I won't.

Er, some of us think it would actually be a lovely thing to suggest - if done in the right way and taken in the right spirit.

BlueEyedPersephone · 23/03/2019 20:40

Given your update, I would ask the cousin ...... in you're situation it doesn't sound as cheeky as it may in other families

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BigcatLittlecat · 23/03/2019 20:41

Ignore the people making you feel bad, you know your cousin and your family so as long as you are prepared for a no and are able to not be offended if that happens I think you could ask. It's for your daughter! What do your mum and dad think?

Original poster
NigelYerABawbag · 23/03/2019 20:42

@DadDadDad I know but enough are saying no way that I'm not risking it! I'd want more than a 50/50 chance of not causing horrendous offence Grin

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Original poster
NigelYerABawbag · 23/03/2019 20:45

But I am going to see if one of my parents can tactfully ask the parent of my cousin for a temperature check on the idea, that way nobody will feel under any pressure.

OP posts:
StillWould · 23/03/2019 20:46

I have just sent out my wedding invitations and if someone can’t make it that’s fine, there are other people I can then invite. But if someone declined and told me that they were sending someone in their place I would be really annoyed. Don’t do it!!

gigi556 · 23/03/2019 20:46

You ABSOLUTELY CANNOT do this. It's really cheeky!! And it puts them in an incredibly awkward position.

DadDadDad · 23/03/2019 20:47

But to follow up on Bigcat, why let the balance of judgement go to strangers on MN - surely your parents or some other family member would be better placed to tell you if it's a good idea to even ask...

DadDadDad · 23/03/2019 20:48

Oh, cross-post with your next post, OP! I think that's the way to go as a first step.

DadDadDad · 23/03/2019 20:51

But if someone declined and told me that they were sending someone in their place I would be really annoyed.

Well, if they told you, annoyance would be understandable, but the OP makes it clear they would ask, and their subsequent posts have made it even clearer that they realise the need to be tactful and indirect even to just ask.

HogMother · 23/03/2019 20:52

Don’t even do the temperature check. Cousin Is likely to have a list of people they’re disappointed not to invite before their cousins child. Please just rsvp no.

HogMother · 23/03/2019 20:53

That doesn’t make much sense, but you get my gist.

7circlemats · 23/03/2019 20:53

I don't think it would be a bad thing to ask at all OP.

separatebeds · 23/03/2019 20:54

I think it would be really rude of you to do this. They will no doubt have a list of people who they would like to invite. if they wanted your daughter there they would have invited her.

Original poster
NigelYerABawbag · 23/03/2019 20:54

Well like I said, I don't really get invited to this sort of occasion. I can't remember the last wedding I went to. Having a child with SN has caused the social invites to tail off somewhat Confused and made me grow a very thick skin to boot! I know what I would think if someone asked me this. But I don't know what the generally socially accepted etiquette is here - and judging by the responses there isn't a unified answer anyway. I kind of hoped it would be overwhelmingly obvious in one direction or the other which it isn't!

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Rockbird · 23/03/2019 20:55

Just ask them. It's a wedding not a court summons. I can't be doing with this whole tiptoeing around the bride nonsense.

DadDadDad · 23/03/2019 20:55

Don’t even do the temperature check. Cousin Is likely...

To my mind, those statements are contradictory. If you are not sure if the cousin has a list of others they would favour, then the temperature check if done disreetly is the way to find out.

babydreamer1 · 23/03/2019 20:59

No, decline the invite. If they want her there they will ask her. They probably have another person they would prefer to ask if you can't make it rather than your DD.
We had someone do similar for ours and have agreed out of politeness as it put us in an awkward situation, but in truth would have much preferred to ask a friend instead and are pretty fed up about it.

Petalflowers · 23/03/2019 21:01

I think that would be a lovely idea. You’re unable to go, so she will be going as your representative, plus will enjoy it.

Hopefully cousin is reading this and will invite your daughter on the back of it.

Luaa · 23/03/2019 21:03

I think it's fine to ask in this situation, butbbe really clear that you really really won't be offended if she'd rather not.

StillWould · 23/03/2019 21:04

I have just sent out my wedding invitations and if someone can’t make it that’s fine, there are other people I can then invite. But if someone declined and told me that they were sending someone in their place I would be really annoyed. Don’t do it!!

Bluntness100 · 23/03/2019 21:06

I think it puts the bride and groom in the position of having to say yes. Whether they wish to or not. And you don't want your child to go because she is close to them and would love to see them get married, more because she'd have a nice day out

As such, I wouldn't, I'm sorry, as others said, this isn't a transferable ticket. If you decline it is then up to the bride and groom who else they invite and they may have a short list, of which your daughter may not be number one.

AntiHop · 23/03/2019 21:07

I think it's fine to ask if you make it clear you don't mind if they say no. Getting one parent to check it out is a good idea.

Original poster
NigelYerABawbag · 23/03/2019 21:09

Oh god a shortlist never been occurred to me Shock See I think that's even ruder than asking if DD could go instead of me, to have a list of second besters who only get asked if your first choices decline!

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