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Original poster

Would this be terrible wedding guest etiquette?

91 replies

NigelYerABawbag · 23/03/2019 19:40

A cousin is getting married in the summer. I've been invited but only me, not the DC (I'm a single parent). According to my parents (who are both invited) this is down to finances as they are trying to keep the numbers manageable as both bride and groom have really big families. It's not a no children wedding, it's going to be really relaxed and informal, but money is tight which is more than understandable!

My DC are 16 and 8 and my 16 yr old was super excited when she saw the invitation and then disappointed when she realised it was for me only.

I won't be able to go, because my younger DC has additional needs and I won't be able to get childcare for him (only other people that can handle him are my parents who will both be at the wedding!).

So... Would it be utterly out of order for me to ask if my 16 yr old could go with my parents in my place? She's incredibly sensible and knows how to behave, and would be so delighted to get to go and wear a nice dress etc. It's the sort of thing I wouldn't bat an eyelid at if it was my wedding but obviously it isn't my wedding never again and I don't fancy being CF of the week in AIBU if I ask Grin

OP posts:
Palominoo · 23/03/2019 20:08

I wouldn't ask unless they have a close relationship with the 16 year old and see her regularly.

amateursleuth · 23/03/2019 20:08

I'll get slammed for this, but I would accept the invite, and the night before plead illness and prime your parents to say they brought your 16 yo instead so as not to waste the place.

fattylawmaker · 23/03/2019 20:10

I think it’s reasonable to ask & if I was the bride I would have no problem with it! Especially if you send an email or message explaining as you have one here.

And if I did have a problem with the request I would politely decline...

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Loopytiles · 23/03/2019 20:13

Not good etiquette unless your DD knows your cousin well.

bobo26 · 23/03/2019 20:14

I wouldn't ask. If you decline there will most likely be someone else they'd bump from their evening reception. Is your daughter particularly close to the couple?

Iflyaway · 23/03/2019 20:15

she was rude to not invite your daughter though as she's practically an adult

Why rude? It's THEIR wedding. They can invite whoever they want, or not.

As for "practically an adult at 16 that's a joke, right?

Some are, some aren't.

Being an adult means being able to take care of your own needs. Independent living.

Maybe legally she is 2 years away from being an adult at 18... but it turns out they are not adult till 30! and some aren't even then!

People don't become fully "adult" until they're in their 30s, according to brain scientists.

www.bbc.com/news/newsbeat-47622059

Aridane · 23/03/2019 20:15

Nope, I wouldn't

JudgeRindersMinder · 23/03/2019 20:19

Absolutely not, it has the potential to open a huge can of worms with other family members whose children have not been invited

trancepants · 23/03/2019 20:20

I think it could create an awkward situation, sorry. Often invites for extended family are sort of 'tiered' by relationship. Ie, maybe they have invited all first cousins but no first cousins once removed, even if they are actually as close/closer to some of the cousins once removed than they are with some of their first cousins. If your DD, a first cousin once removed, is invited then some other family members could kick up a fuss that other FCORs aren't also invited. And in reality the B&G almost certainly have a friend that they'd prefer to invite if you can't make it.

DadDadDad · 23/03/2019 20:21

I think if you were a friend of the couple it would be a cheeky thing to ask, but actually for family it seems a lovely solution if you can't go. Weddings are partly (in my view) about the coming together of two families, so if you can't go it means your DD can "represent" your branch of the family. If it were my wedding, I'd be pleased to honour that connection.

Springwalk · 23/03/2019 20:22

I wouldn’t either. Unless you are super super close to your cousin. I would politely decline.

Bringbackthestripes · 23/03/2019 20:23

Would this be terrible wedding guest etiquette?

Yes. Yes it would. They will probably be thrilled, as money is tight, to have someone decline. To then feel pushed into having someone they didn’t invite come in their place could cause resentment. Regretfully decline and leave it like that.

Drum2018 · 23/03/2019 20:24

No, I don't think this is appropriate. Your cousin will most likely think you're angling for the kids to be invited as well as you. Why anyone would expect a cousin to invite their kids is beyond me. Even inviting cousins is a minefield, especially in larger families. Just decline if you can't go but don't ask if your dd can go instead.

ShadowMane · 23/03/2019 20:24

i think its a lovely idea, shes not taking an extra space, she is related, she has supervision (your parents)

Do it!!

Brown76 · 23/03/2019 20:30

No, just decline.

Aridane · 23/03/2019 20:30

Poor cousin - how awkward for her

waterrat · 23/03/2019 20:32

I'm a very relaxed wedding person myself - and was fairly relaxed about my own - but I think you should be aware that your cousin might have a list of friends she would love to invite if only she hadn't had to have so many family!

So it may be that if you can't go she would say - oh great now I can have my good friend from work who I actually see all the time...

However - I do think if you are completely prepared for her to say no and ask in a way that allows her to do this - then it's fine to ask. People on mumsnet get very uptight about anyone even asking a bride anything...

Original poster
NigelYerABawbag · 23/03/2019 20:32

Fair enough, I'll discount it if it's a massive faux pas - I don't mix with normal people very much Grin and haven't been invited to a wedding since before having my younger child, so I don't really know all the rules tbh!

It's not a child free wedding - due to large family and big age gaps, some of my cousin's own siblings are not yet 18 and my DD is closer in age to my cousin than my cousin is to me. We aren't particularly close tbh, mainly for the age gap reason. DD knows them and gets on well with them though. Obviously I know it's not a 'ticket' but I also know from my parents that the bride and groom would have liked to invite partners/DC etc but just couldn't do so on financial grounds as it would have quadrupled numbers. There is no sit down meal as such, nibbles after the ceremony and then very informal food and entertainment in a public outdoors venue later.

So that's why I wondered if it might be an acceptable thing to ask! Quite happy to leave it though and just send a card Smile

OP posts:
Italiandreams · 23/03/2019 20:33

I wouldn’t have minded at all but only you know your cousin and how she is likely to feel

BluebadgenPIP · 23/03/2019 20:34

I wouldn’t. Sorry.

It’s you that’s been invited, not her. And it might be that they are only inviting first cousins, not once removeds.

Sorry.

Original poster
NigelYerABawbag · 23/03/2019 20:36

I don't think they'd assume I was angling for the DC to be invited as well as me though. Everyone in the family knows that my younger child can't manage big events like weddings and that I wouldn't take him even if he was invited! And I never ever take the piss and try to wangle additional invites for the DC if they're not included - I like the excuse for some time off tbh Grin

OP posts:
Pinkbells · 23/03/2019 20:36

Give them a call and ask, I guess they didn't invite the older child because they don't want children so didn't want to invite only half your children. 16 is more like an adult anyway so I'm sure they'll be fine with it.

Pinkbells · 23/03/2019 20:37

Oh I just read that its not a child free wedding. Maybe they wanted to stop at first cousins, then. But worth asking.

DadDadDad · 23/03/2019 20:37

Hmm, well the split responses here tell you that you'll need to find a tactful way of approaching this. Presumably, one of your parents is brother or sister to the mother or father of the bride or groom (lots of 'or's there Grin ). Are these two siblings close enough that an informal "how would X feel if

WarpedGalaxy · 23/03/2019 20:37

I honestly can’t see the harm in asking (as long as you don’t mention it to DD in advance and get her hopes up) if you give them an ‘out’, assuring them you won’t be offended if they say no. As in ‘I know you’re tight for numbers and you probably already have a waiting list so I promise no harm done if you say no, I just wanted to ask because DD would love to come, I really wish I could be there myself.”

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