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Original poster

Advice re DS, DS' "friend" and my friend.

66 replies

mailboxfull · 21/03/2019 11:25

NC for this as it's very outing if my friend is on here.

DS is 4.5. When he started school in Sept 18 I got chatting to another Mum (AM) who lives nearby and the boys seemed to get on well. They're in the same class.

We've done a few playdates which have been good - I'm often on my own at weekends as DH works alternate ones and friend is on her own with her DS (Call him A).

The last playdate we had ended miserably. My DS had been poorly a few days before and a huge tantrum ensued when he said A could eat his orange. Then he changed his mind when 1 segment was left. It resulted in horrid behaviour from DS, hitting, kicking, screaming and even biting me when I removed him from the playgym.

The last few months, each morning at drop off, it has also got gradually worse. There is a piece of play equipment at school which all the kids love. It's become a huge sticking point between DS and A. They bicker over whose turn it is, who has had the longest turn etc and pretty much each morning there are tears and tantrums from one or the other.

The same happened this morning with my DS insisting he hadn't had a long enough turn. I, as usual said no, it's time to share and he insisted repeat repeat repeat... A then ended up in tears, coming over to AM saying my DS wouldn't let him have a go etc. I told DS he was to come off right that second... he did and stomped off in a sulk.

This morning DS also made a point of saying it wasn't A's turn but another boy who had turned up afterwards.

I told him this wasn't kind and if he continued he would be banned from going on the equipment full stop.

AM then abruptly said, aloud, "I'm fucking fed up of this shit every morning" and looked visibly cross. I told DS to come down and to play elsewhere.

I said to AM I think the boys are both very similar in being strong characters and perhaps they just do rub each other up the wrong way. Once more children were on the equipment and DS was playing with another child and A playing with another child, peace was "restored"

I said to AM I hoped that this wouldn't effect anything between us and she said it wouldn't but I can't help but feel the outburst was aimed at me.

What do I do? I try to get my son to share, not to be mean and to be kind. I tell him when I feel it's not kind etc and I don't know what to do.

I don't want to have to arrive at school later (we're often one of the first in the playground) to avoid awkwardness, or issues.. but I can't see what else I can do. It's so bloody embarrassing when DS stomps off or doesn't share

OP posts:

Original poster

mailboxfull · 21/03/2019 11:26

I am also of the school of thought that perhaps they just aren't friends... I know from their teacher DS doesn't tend to play with A during school time... He gets on well with other children and plays well.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 21/03/2019 11:31

Op, what do you do when your child behaves like this, what punishment does he get?

Hollowvictory · 21/03/2019 11:32

Ha e a friendship that doesn't involve the kids as they obviously don't get on.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

4 year olds Families

Original poster

mailboxfull · 21/03/2019 11:39

@Bluntness100 WRT to the playgym incident, he was removed, sent to his room and to bed without any toys etc.

WRT to when he refuses to share he/the item gets removed from him and he is talked to with regards to sharing etc.

I suppose I also am asking how would you handle the situation. As I say, once other kids turn up and each child pairs off with someone else, they are fine.

OP posts:

Longtalljosie · 21/03/2019 11:43

I really would turn up a bit later for a while to calm things down.

Original poster

mailboxfull · 21/03/2019 11:47

@Longtalljosie I think that's what we'll have to do.

It's strange because in the morning DS is dying to see A. Gets really excited when he sees A's car and runs to A in the playground and vice versa.

Have text AM to say that I am so embarrassed by my son's behaviour of late and that I'm worried it will cause an issue between the boys and also her and I.

OP posts:

theemmadilemma · 21/03/2019 11:51

It sounds like you weren't swift in your actions?

I, as usual said no, it's time to share and he insisted repeat repeat repeat...

If it takes you a while to be more forceful and remove him, then perhaps this is why your Friend is getting frustrated?

LazyLizzy · 21/03/2019 11:56

If I was the other mum I would probably be fed up by now and want to keep my child away from yours.

Friends chop and change at school, A is entitled to change who he plays with.

Original poster

mailboxfull · 21/03/2019 11:57

@theemmadilemma Both of us have the same "I havent had enough tine" from each respective child. This is usually answered with "OK, 1 more minute then it's time to get off an share" or "No, come on, off and share"

Whilst he was repating as above, I insist that No, he needs to come off and share. I cannot physically grab him off said equipment.

OP posts:

Original poster

mailboxfull · 21/03/2019 11:58

@LazyLizzy Toitally agree re A being fine to play with other kids. I am totally NOT forcing this friendship. It's just bloody awkward when there are the 4 of us in the playground this ensues.

I am as much on the receiving end of her child refusing to come off and my child getting upset.

OP posts:

NWQM · 21/03/2019 12:00

I’m surprised the school let them play on the equipment to be honest but if my child was acting like that they wouldn’t be.

Original poster

mailboxfull · 21/03/2019 12:04

@NWQM It's a wooden construction thing in the playground.

Genuinely lost as to what to do... How do I keep my child off it? Unless I don't arrive until the doors open, in which case it means parking up for approx 30 minutes before school and waiting in the car. I have to be there before the doors open due to dashing off to work when DS is inside.

This morning, DS had taken some lego figures and was playing with them and A shouted and "invited" him onto the equipment.

I hate this awkwardness and don't know what to do. I was relieved when DS said he was taking his lego to play with before school as I had hoped it would provide a distraction

OP posts:

JudgeRindersMinder · 21/03/2019 12:14

I’d be turning up early amd sitting in the car to be honest, amd when ds asks why, tell him the truth.
Stop having play dates with the other child, if you still want to be friendly with her, you’ll have omso it without the boys. Children’s friendships wax and wane at this age, don’t get too tied up in knots with it.

Hollowvictory · 21/03/2019 12:15

Why do you have to get to school 30 mins before?

Original poster

mailboxfull · 21/03/2019 12:16

I can't cope with the drama of it every morning.

OP posts:

Original poster

mailboxfull · 21/03/2019 12:17

@Hollowvictory Parking around our school is a nightmare. I don't have time after drop off (8.45) to park the car further awa and walk to it. I have to be at work for 9. S to get a spave we have to be at school for about 8.20/8.30.

OP posts:

chillpizza · 21/03/2019 12:17

You hold his hand and don’t let him go onto the play equipment. Quite simple. My toddler likes the play equipment in the ks1 playground but if I say no she does not go on it.

If a toddler can be stopped an actually bloody school aged child can be.

EvaHarknessRose · 21/03/2019 12:20

Read him the riot act before you get there and tell him he is to look carefully to see if anyone else wants a turn, before he goes on. If someone else is waiting he is to get off without a reminder. If he doesn't comply, you will insist he stands by your side and gets bored. This is in response to his poor sharing and once he has learned you will let him have more freedom again.

LemonBreeland · 21/03/2019 12:21

I agree with staying in the car, and tell him why. You can try again with the equipment and sharing after a week or so. That is a direct consequence for his actions and perfect for his age.

Hollowvictory · 21/03/2019 12:21

You've answered your own question. You said he couldn't go on it if he misbehaving. He's carried on misbehaving. You've carried on letting him on it. No wonder your friend s hacked off.

Original poster

mailboxfull · 21/03/2019 12:21

I've tried bollocking him, before and after. I can't hold onto him as he's strong and as with the playgym incident above, ended up with him kicking, screaming and shouting and biting me.

I am at the end of my tether with this and feel sick with anxiety over it all.

OP posts:

Original poster

mailboxfull · 21/03/2019 12:23

@Hollowvictory No, he is removed from it when he misbeahves in the best way I can manage. He is told the following day he must behave and he can go on it. He behaves he goes on. He misbehaves he is taken off.

Please don't be harsh with me, I am literally sat here, pulse racing, feeling sick over it all. I feel so lost with what to do and can't cope with this anymore.

OP posts:

purpleboy · 21/03/2019 12:26

Maybe try giving them a time limit? Setting a timer on your phone when it's up they come off, if they don't come off they don't get to go back on that equipment.
I think it's easy to judge from the sidelines but it does sound as if you need to deal with the situations a little quicker, he says he hasn't had long enough, you say "ok 1 more minute" your showing him if he complains he will get extra time so it's unlikely he will respond to you immediately with this approach.
He should know when you say time to get off, if he doesn't do it immediately he won't go back on it, enforce this, every single time eventually he will learn to understand.
She may not be directly aiming it at you, however your embarrassment of the situation is making you feel like it is your fault. Don't take it personally. You could ask her directly how she feels the 2 of you can manage the situation? X

Bookworm4 · 21/03/2019 12:26

I would bite the bullet and go early and sit in the car and be very clear to him why he was having to sit in the car. If he keeps behaving like this he'll end up with no one to play with, hopefully a few boring mornings in the car will get through to him.

AbriaFern · 21/03/2019 12:29

A 4 year old child can overpower you. Really? More like you don’t like to manhandle him and physically restrain him when needed.

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