Advice re DS, DS' "friend" and my friend.

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NC for this as it's very outing if my friend is on here.

DS is 4.5. When he started school in Sept 18 I got chatting to another Mum (AM) who lives nearby and the boys seemed to get on well. They're in the same class.

We've done a few playdates which have been good - I'm often on my own at weekends as DH works alternate ones and friend is on her own with her DS (Call him A).

The last playdate we had ended miserably. My DS had been poorly a few days before and a huge tantrum ensued when he said A could eat his orange. Then he changed his mind when 1 segment was left. It resulted in horrid behaviour from DS, hitting, kicking, screaming and even biting me when I removed him from the playgym.

The last few months, each morning at drop off, it has also got gradually worse. There is a piece of play equipment at school which all the kids love. It's become a huge sticking point between DS and A. They bicker over whose turn it is, who has had the longest turn etc and pretty much each morning there are tears and tantrums from one or the other.

The same happened this morning with my DS insisting he hadn't had a long enough turn. I, as usual said no, it's time to share and he insisted repeat repeat repeat... A then ended up in tears, coming over to AM saying my DS wouldn't let him have a go etc. I told DS he was to come off right that second... he did and stomped off in a sulk.

This morning DS also made a point of saying it wasn't A's turn but another boy who had turned up afterwards.

I told him this wasn't kind and if he continued he would be banned from going on the equipment full stop.

AM then abruptly said, aloud, "I'm fucking fed up of this shit every morning" and looked visibly cross. I told DS to come down and to play elsewhere.

I said to AM I think the boys are both very similar in being strong characters and perhaps they just do rub each other up the wrong way. Once more children were on the equipment and DS was playing with another child and A playing with another child, peace was "restored"

I said to AM I hoped that this wouldn't effect anything between us and she said it wouldn't but I can't help but feel the outburst was aimed at me.

What do I do? I try to get my son to share, not to be mean and to be kind. I tell him when I feel it's not kind etc and I don't know what to do.

I don't want to have to arrive at school later (we're often one of the first in the playground) to avoid awkwardness, or issues.. but I can't see what else I can do. It's so bloody embarrassing when DS stomps off or doesn't share

@AbriaFern Yes. I'm only small 5ft and he's already 3ft6. I find it hard and struggle with restraining him. The best I've ever managed is to sit with my legs wrapped around him bearhug style... and even that wasn't successful.

I am really struggling at the moment with this and would appreciate helpful comments rather than criticisms. My anxiety is in tatters and this is making it worse.

You sound very sensitive OP & I can understand your distress.

It's hard but the reason you need to put in rock solid boundaries now is because he will only get bigger & stronger & with your DH away, the only thing you have to keep them safe & in line is their respect for you.

My advice would be to get DH on board & start clamping down on everything at home & outside. Reset the boundaries, show him clear consequences & weather the shitstorm that follows.
Be tough & consistent. Once things are improving you can relax a bit, but you can't let a 4 year old dictate your actions.

my 3 yo is enormous and tried the kicking & biting. It's hard.

Sit in the car with him from 8.30 and explain why. The next day give him a chance. If he misbehaves, then revert back.

We have been coming down on him hard at home about certain things - bellowing for us instead of coming to us, jumping and running around all the bastard time, plus other stuff.

I am mentally drained from it all.

I love him to bits but he is hard work for me. Perhaps if I was well, mentally, then it wouldn't be so tough.

From now on I will enforce time in the car, til say 8.40 - reading or watching a video. I can't hack the stress anymore.

Then the answer is sit with him in the car till it's time to go in. And explain to him as he cannot share or play nicely then he can't play at all.

Once he's promised then try again, as soon as he misbehaves whip him out of there and back to the car and give him a week of not playing on it and waiting in the car.

He will learn,

Definitely sit in car but no book no video, that's not missing out is it. I know it's hard but you need to be tough do not give in, offer alternatives. It is good behaviour or nothing, a 4 yr old shouting for his parents to jump to his command; I think not. Time to get tough OP and stop this tiny tyrant in his tracks.

I cold cry at this situation. He is a lovely boy really and when he plays, he plays really well. He's kind and gentle and caring. He just seems to butt heads with A.

OP
Please don't be a parent blinded by your child, you've stated other behaviours that are unacceptable; he's rude and disrespectful to you, he doesn't play well; he throws tantrums; none of this is nice. You're not a bad parent if you're strict with him and stick to discipline, sit in the car: no radio, no book, no video; he gets nothing until he behaves and does exactly what you ask of him.

I hate it... I really do.

If he butts head with A.... then A is butting heads with your DS. Don't blame your DS for everything. Take a step back and see what the build up is to the arguments. I5 could be that A isn't as innocent as he appears.

...it...

It's 6 of one and half a dozen of the other...

Yesterday A ran over and said "C said I was X" There were only the two of them in the playground and DS hadn't said a word.

A also was tantrumming yesterday because he was trying to hide, in an opensided shelter and others could see him.

DS is very strong willed. A is also but AM also describes A as very sensitive.

Don’t be so hard on yourself. Having small kids is hard hard work and we re not given a manual!! Every kid is different and those that think their kids are perfect really really pee me off. Sounds like you re going along the right lines but he is very wilful. Unfortunately you have to be more wilful. Please don’t take to spending every day sitting in the car with him, I feel that avoids the situation but doesn’t help him understnad where he s going wrong. From what you ve said he isn’t physical or aggressive to the other kids just struggles with sharing - lots of small children do. I would talk to him calmly in the car when you arrive and set your boundaries and the consequences. If the consequences are - if you can’t share we sit in the car for a day - so be it but only for a day otherwise he has no chance to practise the behaviour you want. If you give him a time limit or ask him to wait and he does praise him straight away. I’m kind of hoping the other mum was swearing at the stress of them both bickering more than directly at you. Whatever sanction you make with him be sure to carry through but don’t make it out of proportion because you are worried about your friend. That’s not fair on him. To be honest schools shouldn’t allow play on play equipment before school as it’s a health and safety issue. Good luck and stick to your guns but please don’t let your embarrassment mean you avoid a situation he needs to learn to deal with.

Appreciate it’s hard but at the end of he day If he can’t ‘play nicely’ following your rules playing on the equipment eg you come off when I say then playing in it would be ruled out of our morning routine.

I’m guessing he knows though that you hate he scene he creates.

Honestly most schools wouldnt allow it. You wouldn’t be allowed in 30 minutes early either. If it’s in the school grounds can they help by putting out a message to say no-one should use it and then the heat goes out of that situation.

And if your son’s behaviour continues to be poor in the playground could you ask the head if they could have a word about upholding the school values? I assume they include kindness, sharing type stuff.

If he persists I’d be asking if he could come in through the office for a few days. Most schools will facilitate this in an effort to be supportive and make sure he starts the day calmly.

To be blunt I’d be asking how he normally plays on his equipment. I’d bet he is great at sharing it otherwise you’d know there were issues more generally.

Is he tiread - starting school can be exhausting for some. Even if they are used to nursery it’s very different because you can’t opt out or activities. There is less free time and therefore less down time.

If you are really struggling with strategies for him - and don’t think it’s a blip - ask the school or your GP if they can help with perhaps a referral to a parenting course. Hopefully doesn’t sound scary but just as we attend parent craft for new babies be open to learning strategies for coping with the next stages.

Sorry cross posted with Ibusybee and she said it much better than me

He's had one or two issues re sharing that we've heard about from school but those revolved round the prized fire engine that all the kids apparently tussle over according to his teacher.

He plays so kindly with his other friends. One of whom has a 2 year old sister and he is so so gentle and kind with her.

I'm not saying he doesn't get giddy and daft with his friends - there are times i have to make him stand by me because thy're legging it around the playground at lightening speed and likely to bump into someone. But on the whole he generally plays well. He has begun sulking of late, which includes bottom lip out. At home I usually distract him and it stops.

Friend has messaged back saying she also doesn't know what to do for the best. Is that a kind way of her saying she doesn't want any involvement with us any more?

Op , I’ve no parenting tricks but a bit of overview.
I get it when you say it makes you sick with anxiety, these situations are horrendous , especially if you are empathetic and hate being judged.
Do all the stuff above that people are suggesting ( I would do the car parking and avoid thing, while being frank with your son about why), but bear in mind that this is a phase, friends will come and go( yours and his) behaviour will come and go, tantrums the same. Breathe deep and know it’s a tiny chapter in his life.
These overviews helped me, if it sounds like bolloks to you, please ignore.
Either way I hope you find a way through soon .

@AbriaFern Yes. I'm only small 5ft and he's already 3ft6. Sorry that's bull shit. I'm only 5ft all my children take after their father side and are taller. I didn't need to 'over power' them, my tone of voice would be and still is enough to make them behave.

If it was my child then the would not be going on that equipment until after Easter break and then only if the behave. Until then they would be standing next to me until the doors open.

You need to get better at parenting because if you can not control him at 4.5 years you going to up shit creek with out paddle in 10 years.

I also have a 4.5 year old, and I am a really strict parent. That said, I don’t think you’re doing anything massively wrong here. Some children simply don’t get along and/or play well together. I don’t see why that’s such a big deal. I know I wouldn’t like forced interaction with another adult that I had a personality clash with. I’d just do your best to keep them separated. If he was behaving this way with everyone I’d say you had a major parenting issue but if, as you say, he plays nicely and kindly with other children, then it’s just a problem with A. Enforce consequences certainly - talk with him before hand, and if he doesn’t follow the “playground rules“ follow through with your stated consequence - but I tell my DC that if someone bothers them, frustrates them, etc it is fine to kindly and politely play somewhere else/with someone else.

To be completely frank and honest, I envy those with "easy" kids. And I know it's a very rose tinted view. I wish he wasn't so pig headed and stubborn. But at the same time, I also know he will not be a pushover or led by others easily.

And as my husband often says, we should be grateful for what we have - he could be ill, disabled or any number of other situations.

We have always disciplined our son, we're not easy on him but also know when to let some things slide..

You need to be firmer.

It doesn’t matter about your friend and her son. Just focus on your son.

I would ban him from going on the equipment before school. He can’t behave well on it so that’s that.

I would also give your friend some space. And reconnect in a couple of weeks, just the two of you.

Also maybe take a step back and look at the situation. Your son is still so young and many children struggle with reception. He is not doing anything inappropriate for his age, and at the same time, set some boundaries!

And maybe see if you can get some support for your anxiety too?

Do they get on in school.Or are they separated.

I think the only thing you can do is,keep him in the car until its time to go in.Because they are not going to get on with everyone,and thats fine.But you are the parent and what you say goes.If he knows you are not going to be tough and strict,he will play on that.
And you think its bad now,wait till hes a teenager and 6ft.

I recently spoke to his teacher about something and mentioned A.. the teacher wasn't even aware that they were friends.

You can literally watch them peel off into their friendship groups as they arrive.

If it is causing you this much angst then the easiest thing is to sit in the car.

Do you really, really want to be friends with AM? Maybe try and widen his social circle a bit.

There's two boys in DSs class and the kids all call them 'frenmies' saying they are only friends because the mums are friends. Don't force them to be friends if they don't want to. Also they are really young. DS's (age 11) "best" friend only really became his friend in the last year or so.

AM is lovely but I must say, even if I was thinking it, no way would I swear out loud like that in the school playground with others around. I also get the impression that she could be quite unpleasant if you were on the wrong side of her.

I have lots of other Mum friends - some who I just say hello to, others we have regular playdates and the kids get on really well.

Now almost beginning to wish I hadn't wanted to make some friends.

I agree 100% with not making DS play with anyone. I wouldn't do that.