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Original poster

Father in law humiliates me as a joke

88 replies

RoseWrites · 09/03/2019 19:31

My father is known for his sense of humour which involves saying stupid things. I normally ignore it or laugh it off but I'm now struggling to retain any vague sense of humour.

I'm 7 months post partum and he just told me that I'm finally losing the baby weight (I weigh less than I did pre pregnancy).

On Christmas day he spoke at length about how my (long, complicated and stressful) labour was the "most embarrassing moment of my year".

My step son is starting to notice and apologised on his grandfather's behalf for him not "being kind".

I don't want to be a door mat and set a bad example to the children. But nor do I want to start WWIII and make a big scene.

Should I just let it go?

OP posts:
PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 09/03/2019 21:25

Your OH sent a message to his father via his inaction after the “Christmas debacle” that his father is above reproach.

Sadly that now means he’ll need to work even harder to stop his reprehensible dad’s mouth running as he missed the perfect opportunity to nip it in the bid 3 months ago.

Again, you have an OH problem.

TwistedAnkle · 09/03/2019 21:27

Can you show your OH this thread? Maybe he needs to realise that you're not just being over sensitive and he needs to step up and support you

LunafortJest · 09/03/2019 21:28

Good on you OP! Smile

And wishing you good luck.

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Families
RandomMess · 09/03/2019 21:38

Yep you have a DH problem. I really hope he steps up.

Thanks
eggsandwich · 09/03/2019 21:41

Good luck, and if your dh says your overreacting I would point out to him that because of his inability to say anything to his father that the situation has been left to fester and he has been allowed to carry on disrespecting you, so as a result you have decided for your own wellbeing to take matters into your own hands and will not be swayed by false promises of him having a word with his father.

Childcare arrangements will be changing and that is not only a promise but a fact, you cannot have your child around someone long term who is incredibly rude and disrespectful to their mother.

MissBPotter · 09/03/2019 21:46

My in laws are due to look after my baby when I go back work and I really don't want them to

It is up to you who looks after your baby when you go back to work. To be honest I wouldn’t recommend relying on parents or in-laws, especially full time, but it can be helpful to get their help if baby is sick (happens all the time if at Nursery!) and possibly a couple of days a week max.

I think you should say something to your FIL if he does this again, just gently eg. ‘Have I done something to offend you as you are being quite hurtful’. But mostly your DH need to step up and stand up to him.

AdaColeman · 09/03/2019 21:56

What a horrible way to speak to you.

It is typical for bullies to excuse their dreadful behaviour as "just a joke" or "can't you take a joke".

One thing that bullies hate and can't deal with is the victim fighting back, because all bullies are actually weak, and get their ego boost from attacking other gentler people.

You need a bit of a script of comments about him, ready to fire back at him when he starts on you. Doing that loud and clear in front of other people will soon stop the nasty blighter.

And you've got your answer if he or his son complain, "just joking"!

eggsandwich · 09/03/2019 22:00

And I would also say to your dh or fil if they say he’s only joking, “its not a joke when your constantly on the receiving end of his so called “jokes”

MrsTerryPratcett · 09/03/2019 22:03

The thing is that it wouldn't take much. DH's Dad does stuff like this and all it takes from DH is a look and a "Dad, no" to get him to tone it down. I've made it plain I don't like it and he no longer does it to me almost at all.

You don't want to say anything, your DH won't say anything. I mean, the first rule of communication is that you don't get to complain about something when you didn't ask for it.

TrainSong · 09/03/2019 22:10

I believe in treating people as they treat you. They don't realise how hideous they are being unless you do the same back to them. Next time he mentions your weight, mention his old man smell or him losing his marbles or what a dreadful driver he has become. Then say, 'Only joking. You haven't lost your sense of humour too have you?'

Nasty old men like that hate being made fun of. And they hate women being strong and robust enough to play them at their own game. It terrifies them. If you banter back at him hard enough, he'll stop having a go.

That or just be very direct and say it's not a joke, jokes are funny. That was rude and hurtful.

alittlepieceofme · 09/03/2019 22:13

My ex mil made fun of my weight a couple of times when I was pregnant, also made fun of the way I walked, which was bloody painful by the end of my pregnancy! My ex partner didn't say anything! In fact no one did because people are used to it/scared of her! She's a bully!

I do feel however that karma came and got her when her wonderful golden boy walked out on me and our baby! She's pretty much lovely to me whenever she sees me now!

Nancy74 · 09/03/2019 22:23

My father is like this. You have to call them out at the time and be prepared for the "it's just a joke" response. I would tell your DP he needs to defend you as you're fully prepared to respond to the next comment and expect his support.

Then as soon as the next comment comes look FIL in the eyes and say "what do you mean?". He will then have to explain himself. You then just reflect back at him. "so you've just said I embarrassed myself by giving birth. How is giving birth embarrassing exactly?" and so on. He will almost certainly start to get a bit flustered and possibly defensive before the "it's just a joke" line comes out. You then say "No. You're using that as an excuse. Is anyone here laughing at your joke?" I've done this with my father and it works. It completely disarms him but it must be done very calmly so there's no room for twisting and saying you were in a bad mood etc.

And definitley find childcare.

Nancy74 · 09/03/2019 22:30

Meant to say, this is all about power. Your FIL wants to feel in control and judging by your DPs passive response, he gets away with it. He pushes boundaries and no one pulls him into line. Just you gently challenging to get back under his rock will have him squirming. He's a bully and he relies on picking at what he thinks are others weak spots. The birth comment is a classic example. He chooses to comment on a personal event where most women feel vulnerable and wouldn't want their FIL making comments. It's a reflection of his own inadequacy and I can place money on him backing down pretty quickly. He relies on people not confronting him.

CheshireChat · 09/03/2019 22:37

If your DP complains about you wanting to change arrangements just remind him he was supposed to have dealt with this after Christmas but preferred sacrificing your comfort (for lack of a better word) for a quiet life.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 10/03/2019 00:02

The good thing in all this is that your DSS is a kind, thoughtful child. Your DH should be ashamed of himself for allowing his father to be so nasty to you that his son feels the need to apologise.

I agree with pp that you need to find different childcare for your baby.

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 10/03/2019 01:04

I agree with Nancy74.

Keep framing it as a question: "What do you mean?" "what are you saying?"

And move on to "oh... it's a joke. Ok. Tell me when you get to the punchline"

Don't be afraid of letting a silence hang, and don't rush to fill it.

And, btw, I'd be saying to my OH: Do you want your daughter to think it's ok to be spoken to this way? Do you want your son to think this an acceptable way to speak to women?
Again, ask the questions and let the silence speak!

Exploration2018 · 10/03/2019 08:16

Completely agree with Nancy74. Keep asking them what they mean, this will get them to realise what a twatty comment they've made and will have the most success without you spelling it out. They will most certainly be flustered and back down.
If they say it's a joke, ask "I don't get it, can you explain why it's embarrassing/why is my weight a joke?"Etc. They will not be able to explain without sounding like a complete twat!
If he says you have no sense of humour, banter back with "maybe your "jokes" are not funny" and shrug with a deadpan face.

Aaaahfuck · 10/03/2019 08:27

His behaviour isn't acceptable. I'm in my early 30s so hardly old and wise but something I've learned is life is too short to spend time with people who make you feel shit. It's also not good for your child to be around. Your DH needs to grow a backbone. I'd send a message saying hhes rude and yiu don't want to be around that. Then let your dh deal with the fall out. You tried the more considerate route of showing him the message first and he did fuck all. So he now has to be forced to deal with it.
Do you have any other options for child care?

MumofTinies · 10/03/2019 08:35

Well since your DP hasn't spoken to him I would be sending the messege but really DP should be standing up to him without prompts.

Your step son sounds lovely.

MumofTinies · 10/03/2019 08:37

Oh yes and definately find alternative childcare, your inlaws will not respect your parenting decisions.

Budsbegginingspringinsight · 10/03/2019 08:38

Good luck OP.

Having you crying in kitchen after clearing plates!! Disgraceful.

It's fine for DH to be blind and not see this so it's also fine for you to say... enough is enough a line has been crossed.

This is my line and I've tried to talk about it with you, so baby's not being exposed too this, i am not going too be. .. baby goes to nursery.

Sanguineclamp · 10/03/2019 08:57

"Yes I've lost weight; shame your manners haven't improved"

"Well that's funny because your poor manners embarrass me"

You shouldn't have to retaliate though. Your dh should be stepping in without you having to ask for more support.

Next time your fil acts in such an appalling way, calmly pack up you and your baby's things and leave. If you can manage it I would be sending the baby to nursery too. I'd rather be poor than beholden to that twat.

Sanguineclamp · 10/03/2019 09:01

Sorry, just read your update op.

If your dh sat on the letter then you need to take action yourself.

I'd just pack up and leave (calmly) the minute he says something else. Take the baby with you. Even if it's in the middle of Easter lunch. He'll soon get the message.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 10/03/2019 09:22

I’d not be letting you IL look after your dc when you go back to work.

I wonder how your dh would react if he started saying these rude things to your dc? Would he brush it under the carpet too.

Original poster
RoseWrites · 16/03/2019 17:59

Thanks everyone for your super helpful advice :)
I did as many said and spoke to my husband (again) and made clear my views about how upset I am by his dad and about childcare when I'm back at work.
My OH then spoke to his dad who was very surprised to be called and kept insisting it "was a joke" and "it was nice to say I was getting thin"
His father did text me to say he was sorry if he had upset me. Didn't hear anymore but then my DH said in passing yesterday that his mum might be offended that FIL was made to apologise [eye roll] and as a result has declined to look after our DD in a few weeks. So maybe they will pull out of childcare for good?!
Let's see what happens. For now, all is good - mainly as they are staying away! :)

OP posts:
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