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Original poster

Father in law humiliates me as a joke

88 replies

RoseWrites · 09/03/2019 19:31

My father is known for his sense of humour which involves saying stupid things. I normally ignore it or laugh it off but I'm now struggling to retain any vague sense of humour.

I'm 7 months post partum and he just told me that I'm finally losing the baby weight (I weigh less than I did pre pregnancy).

On Christmas day he spoke at length about how my (long, complicated and stressful) labour was the "most embarrassing moment of my year".

My step son is starting to notice and apologised on his grandfather's behalf for him not "being kind".

I don't want to be a door mat and set a bad example to the children. But nor do I want to start WWIII and make a big scene.

Should I just let it go?

OP posts:
froufroufoxes · 09/03/2019 20:28

The mn classic 'did you mean to be so rude' is the perfect response here.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 09/03/2019 20:28

My FiL was the same with me for many years. I called him out but he always made out I was some crazy woman who couldn’t take a joke.

Best revenge was my kids, particularly DD1, his favourite, getting older and calling him out as well and basically losing a lot of their affection for him.

He’s old and completely knackered (stroke) and lives with us now. He is always very, very pleasant to me, even when he is very grumpy to DH, and I try to be kind.

Grace212 · 09/03/2019 20:28

"On Christmas day he spoke at length about how my (long, complicated and stressful) labour was the "most embarrassing moment of my year".

I don't even know what that means - I mean what did he say?

actually maybe I should retract my comments about my olds because they weren't nasty in the first place. they changed a lot to accommodate certain fixations they had - like they thought I ought to get married - but they were never actively nasty so perhaps it's not relevant.

Interested in this thread?

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Families
Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 09/03/2019 20:29

Just respond by saying clearly and loudly, “you’re being very rude”. No need to be clever or witty just point out the rudeness and move. TELL your partner you don’t want your child cared for by these people, if pushed say they make you unhappy so aren’t suitable. Look for a nursery instead. Give your dss the biggest slice of cake at every opportunity, he sounds kind.Smile

Tavannach · 09/03/2019 20:31

No way would I leave my baby with someone who was constantly undermining me. Your DH needs to be firmer with his father, or perhaps your MIL could have a word.

PlasticPatty · 09/03/2019 20:34

"Don't be rude to me."
Every time. No explanations. If he does it again, get up and leave. Every time. And don't leave your baby with him.

tinstar · 09/03/2019 20:35

he's too old to change now. Probably true but as he's likely to be around for another 20 or 30 years (!)

Total, absolute bollocks. Presumably he's around 60? I am too and I certainly wouldn't consider myself too old to address any unpleasant behaviour or characteristics - especially if pointed out by a close family member.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 09/03/2019 20:39

Without question your DH needs to tell his DF to wind his neck in else the only person causing a rift in the family would be him.

You should be given respect for the fact you’ve brought their grandchild into the world, not that your labour was “embarrassing”. What a fucking crock of shit.

JaneEyre07 · 09/03/2019 20:43

He's only doing it because he's been allowed to get away with it and I mean in general, not just with you. If he's not called out on it, why would he change.

I'd go for the direct "does it make you feel better when you've hurt my feelings" each and every time.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 09/03/2019 20:43

Too old to change at 60? Bollocks. My dad dumped just about all his political views within a year of leaving the military. By the time he died, he pronounced "Tory swine" as a single word. You can't imagine how proud I was of him.

As for the OP, she has a husband problem. DF loved all his daughters-in-law, but even if he hadn't, he knew that we would demand satisfaction for any insult.

mumwon · 09/03/2019 20:43

"don't you have a sense of humour?" or words to that effect don't hide that someone is a bully - tell your husband that you don't want to expose your dc to someone who regards running you down as funny & he needs to talk to your fil because if he doesn't the next time dil says something like this you will tell him off bluntly

tablelegs · 09/03/2019 20:51

Tell him to shut the fuck up.

CherryPavlova · 09/03/2019 20:53

Agree a clear message such as “ Why do you think being rude and making personal remarks is acceptable?”
They’ll likely be an awkward silence or muttering but stand your ground. He’ll get the message quite quickly.

KatharinaRosalie · 09/03/2019 20:56

Too old to change? He does not need to change his personality. Unless he suffers from some syndrome which makes him blurt out rude stuff whether he wants it or not, he can simply not say rude things.

hilbil21 · 09/03/2019 20:56

My FIL is like this!

He comes out with absolute rubbish all the time but twice he has said to me about our probably autistic son (on waiting list for an assessment) "oh that's probably from your side it definitely wouldn't be from us!" Whilst laughing!

NannyRed · 09/03/2019 20:59

So tell him he was s being a twat! Don’t sit there like a doormat expecting someone else to say something.

LunafortJest · 09/03/2019 21:03

I know in hindsight and all etc, but you should've said 'there is nothing embarrassing about me giving birth to your grandchild!'

And unless your FIL is around 85-90, he is never to old to change. That is a load of rubbish. Your DH needs to call his father out, middle-aged to senior people CAN change, and DO change with education and training and reminding. They can, and they do, I've seen it many times. Your DH is talking a load of rot and making excuses because he can't be bothered putting himself out for your and telling his father off.

You need to say to your DH 'either you speak to your father (in front of you so you know he actually went through with it) before I return to work, or you will pay for alternative childcare'. Refuse to leave your DC with him, because you are right, your FIL is a bully, is rude and he insults the mother of his grandchild. Who knows what he could say to DC. Nip this in the bud. Now. Demand your DH show some unity with you and some respect full, and that he stands up for you.

cuppycakey · 09/03/2019 21:04

Well I absolutely wouldn't allow them to look after the DC. How will DH react to this? He appears to be fairly spineless.......

I would be as rude to FIL as he is to you and hopefully he will go NC with you Grin

LunafortJest · 09/03/2019 21:05

*respect for you

Cookit · 09/03/2019 21:06

If it is at all possible to find a childminder, nursery etc do that and do not leave your baby with them.

Craftycorvid · 09/03/2019 21:08

‘Humour’ as a way of belittling someone is a form of abuse. What’s he like with your (deeply unfortunate) MiL? He clearly has issues with women. Either a taste of his own medicine or an assertive refusal to be ‘put down’ is in order. Your DH needs to support you here. Your FiL will bluster that you ‘can’t take a joke’ but he’s not joking.

LunafortJest · 09/03/2019 21:10

What does the MIL say? Just she sit there while he goes on and say nothing?

eggsandwich · 09/03/2019 21:14

I’m sorry but your dh saying “he’s to old to change” is rubbish, age is no excuse for rude behaviour and he should be pulled up on it every time sod world war 3.

I would be incline to say to him next time you need to shut up now as your embarrassing yourself.

Definitely re-think the childcare idea if you can otherwise you will find it harder to challenge him when he’s says anything, it’s possibly best to make alternative childcare arrangements as you don’t want your child to mirror what he’s says to you, and I would also tell your husband that too.

BeeFarseer · 09/03/2019 21:18

I feel for you. My FIL once managed to tell me I looked fat and tired and insinuate I was a prostitute with big feet. All within the first 30 seconds of him walking into my house.

Original poster
RoseWrites · 09/03/2019 21:21

Thank you for all your responses :) Very pleased to hear I'm not being daft at feeling hurt (again).

He's 65 so not terribly old. And perfectly fit and healthy so has no excuse for blurting stuff out.

My OH obviously loves his dad. He can see that he is rude but sees it as his father trying to be funny in an affectionate way... His father does it to the partners of his other children (I.e. my husband's sister's husbands iyswim) which isn't good but does make me feel better that I'm not the only one getting this crap. Not that it is acceptable that he says it to anyone.

I was devastated at Christmas at how he spoke to me. And cried in the kitchen after clearing the table. Not the first Christmas I had imagined with my baby!

My OH was very apologetic.

After the christmas debacle, i drafted a message that I was going to send to my FIL. It said he was rude and disrespectful and that I didn't want the children to think his behaviour is ok. I showed it to my OH and he asked if he could speak to his dad instead. I said this was fine. But it never happened. My OH just sat on it and nothing happened. He obviously wanted it to blow over and for me to forget it.

I just think my husband doesn't want to rock the boat and just sees these comments as who his father is.

I know my husband will likely think I'm being overly dramatic but I'll say enough is enough. I don't want to see his father again without this being dealt with (I.e. an apology and being told it's not ok). And I'll say I'll increase the days our daughter is in nursery so his parents don't need to have her at all.

Wish me luck... !

OP posts: