Are you happy with your parent’s parenting ?

[DoraTheExplorer3]

Hi all,

NC for this.
I often struggle to find role models in my parents in certain aspects and in other aspects it really influences my parenting.

Did you have a good childhood? Influenced by great parenting? How did it influence your parenting ?

Can you share details about what you mostly look up to your parents for ?

It seems like a lot of people aren’t happy with who their parents are, I wonder whether someone out there is. I would like that to be my son when he is older one day lol.

You sound very journalistic.

Can you share details?

Unfortunately I’m just a bored SAHM! Trying to find inspiration...

There were aspects of my parents parenting that I am appreciative of, and grateful for. Their insistence on courtesy, good manners and respect has stood me in very good stead. Their prioritisation of education has helped me get to a pretty good place in life. Even though it turns out that Dad was one hell of a racist, I had no clue (Mum told me last year, lol), and all hell would have broken loose if ever we had treated a person with contempt, disrespect, or discourtesy on the basis of their race.

We had a good physical environment, (nice home), we got well fed, our homework sometimes helped with, adequately clothed.

Mum made sure we had lovely birthdays and Christmases.

There are aspects of their parenting that I have struggled to come to terms with. Covering up child abuse because of fear of what it might do to the family unit, and allowing a child to continue to be exposed to the threat of child abuse. There was what was even for that time (seventies) fairly extreme and disproportionate physical violence used in the guise of punishment but it was really loss of temper and personal control. Shuffing a child off onto people they knew were not safe people to leave a child with - for weeks at a time. Alcohol abuse.

So there were aspects that I have struggled to come to terms with, consciously decided to look elsewhere for parenting ideas and role models, and I went through a lot of anger as I parented initially, as I saw my childhood from the eyes of a parent for the first time.

My parents did the best they could with what they had, in the contexts of what they had experienced in their childhoods, and their times.

I know they loved us.

I know my kids are going to have a few things to say about me as a person and as a parent. Some of them will mirror things that I perceived in my parents.

I hope the good will ultimately outweigh the bad, and they will be similarly understanding, ultimately, of my (many) parenting and personal flaws.

All we can do is our best, and hope that ultimately our best will be good enough.

Sorry for the novel!

”I went through a lot of anger as I parented initially, as I saw my childhood from the eyes of a parent for the first time”

I can honestly relate to this.

Thanks for your post, it sounded real and I relate to many things you mentioned. “Staying as a family unit” above all else was also a priority in my family which caused some important aspects of welfare to be dismissed. I feel like that might’ve been generational.

Also you say initially? I wonder how long it took you to be able to neutralize your anger towards their parenting ?

Um, if you are a journalist, would you be kind enough, NOT to use my username, lol? It's a bit outing.

And I do love my parents and would hate to hurt them or shame them, even with truth.

As to how long? Ooooh, about 12 years from when I became a parent - there was a bit to work through, and then other little issues kept on bringing up past issues, or creating new ones - as so often happens!

What my parents did well:
-Secure, financially stable upbringing
-Not rich, but saved carefully so we didn't struggle at university and had a bit of money to start us off in life. Even now I know if I was in trouble they would support me.
-Very supportive of our education and extracurricular activities
-Didn't overprotect or try to shield us from tougher parts of life; gave us quite a lot of responsibility at a young age, which I appreciate, although I think a lot on mumsnet would be horrified (I was given the choice of comprehensive or private school for example, decision entirely mine)

What wasn't so good:
-Very little emotional support - when I was bullied, when a treasured grandparent died, there was no question of talking about it - just expected to get on with it myself. I became quite emotionally troubled as a teenager, I'm not sure they even noticed
-No physical affection, hugs - can't remember the last time they told me they loved me
-One parent had a terrible temper, could be lovely but sometimes walking on eggshells
I think a lot of the downsides were generational however, my parents were born in the 40s and a lot of parents were the same.

I promise I’m not a journalist!

No. I'm having therapy to try and unfuckup myself.

I made a very conscious decision to parent my children in an entirely different way to how I was parented.

Positive aspects of my childhood would be that it was geographically stable and reasonably financially stable. I have excellent manners and a strong work ethic.

The negative aspects could fill a book but broadly come under the headings of sustained emotional and physical abuse.

I'd say generally I had a good childhood, I was allowed to play out with friends, attend hobbies etc. There was very little spare money though and I think it stressed out my mum, she was often mean to me in a way I could never be to my children. She would ignore me for hours if I'd done something slightly wrong and she would tell me my body wasn't nice to show off in a skirt for example. I have carried this for so long and can't imagine being like this to my children, I do get angry when they don't listen or if they do naughty stuff, but I don't hold a grudge, and move on quickly. My dad was lovely, but worked long hours 😔

I'd have to say lack of emotional support or overt physical affection too.

And a lack of openness about things like depression, addiction, that sort of thing.

But like room32, a lot of that was generational, (you didn't air your dirty linen in public, least said, soonest mended, well that will teach you what life is all about. . .) - mine were born in the 1920's, and late 30's.

As a child I always always had so much fun, but also lots of tears and daydreams about running away and being adopted by another family.

I love my child to death and I have very high expectations of myself which I’m scared won’t be realistic to meet as I’m yet to meet someone who describes their parent with the ideals I’ve put against myself so that “I won’t put my kids through the same childhood”

I just want realistic goals.

Dora, my DC are almost adults now and I've managed to make it through parenting them, without once reverting to how I was parented, so it is entirely possible.

Also every time I promise myself I will be a good parent, I remember how my dad made it his life mission to parent us differently than his childhood and it was clearly him being a perfectionist about it ... became a bit of a martyr... because he has an abusive childhood..

But then it didn’t seem to have manifested in his actions and most of the wrong he has done was because he didn’t know how to be different even though he desperately wanted to.

I feel like, mental health awareness and child protection and all those things made it possible for new generations to scrutinize their parents actions in a mature manner and be able to dissect and contemplate alternatives to how to parent. So in that sense we might be privileged.

I can’t complain.
My mum and dad came to this country without a pot to piss in, and worked every waking hour to make sure my sister and I never went without. I remember things being very tight sometimes - like when they had to choose whether gas or electricity was more important, or mum trying to put together a decent meal from whatever random stuff was left in the bottom of the freezer until one of them was paid. But regardless of those kind of hardships, my parents were all in all, great!
Despite how hard they worked, they still always made time for us kids. My dad worked either day shifts so we’d be at school all day and in bed by the time he got home, or he worked nights where he’d be at work from early evening and asleep all day so we wouldn’t see him much then either - but he made sure the weekends were for us, so we never felt like we missed out on having both parents around. I vividly remember one Saturday, mum was at work, and dad took us to a local playing field and taught me to ride my bike without stabilisers. I was so chuffed and I’ll always remember his massive smile beaming at me when I got it It’s really stuck with me that all we really wanted as kids was our parents’ time and attention, and they made every effort to give us that whenever they could - and it’s something I’m really big on with my own DCs.
The only things that sometimes makes me raise an eyebrow looking back are some of the things our parents allowed us to watch on tv etc - I remember being about 7 or 8, and watching 15 rated films with them, and they both smoked everywhere in the house . While it’s not something I’d allow my own kids to do, there are definitely worse things in the world!

I don't like or respect my mother at all as a person now.

I think she was a good mother in many ways, especially as she was also dealing with being widowed at 40.

However, some of the ways she parented were horrendous. For example, very regularly on Saturday afternoons, we'd go to a park and sit on the bench just taking the piss out of people between us. It was nasty and gave me all sorts of horrendous insecurities about how I looked, which massively impacted on later romantic relationships.

She was also a martyr and would put her own needs at the bottom of the pile, putting me and my dad first. I was brought up in the belief that this was right and natural. This, again, had significant impacts on later relationships where I was too ready to settle for second best and take my place in the shadows behind men.

mybread was so soothing reading that :). Bless your parents

However, some of the ways she parented were horrendous. For example, very regularly on Saturday afternoons, we'd go to a park and sit on the bench just taking the piss out of people between us. It was nasty and gave me all sorts of horrendous insecurities about how I looked, which massively impacted on later romantic relationships.

Perhaps that’s the cause of my husbands insecurities too. His mother is the same and my mother is the opposite. She sees the good in everything and admired everyone to the point I turned out so naive. So how did you deal with it as a parent yourself ? You vowed to teach your kids to see the good in others and not be critical ?

I love my parents and know they loved me and I was always warm, clean, clothed and fed which I appreciate. I wet the bed until I was 8 and that must have been awful for them but they never made me feel ashamed. They weren't perfect though. They wanted an easy life and so my sister and I were actively put off from anything that would have been a hassle for them such as sports, hobbies, music lessons, birthday parties and sleep overs. My mother was very antisocial so we never went to playgroup and she didnt teach us any letters or numbers before we went to school so we were under socialised and behind from the word go. If we asked for anything like to join a club or take lessons they would put us off and they would tell us they weren't prepared to waste time or money on activities for us because we never stuck at anything. Then after all that we got a hard time from them for not fitting in with our peers better. I was also made the family scapegoat. It took me a long time to realise that my parents had fed me a line about myself which I really believed just to put us off ever asking for anything. I wish they hadn't made us feel like losers as kids. Our self esteem is still shot to bits.

I think it’s safe to say most parents have flaws then, and whether their kids will appreciate them or not depends on how these flaws affected them and whether they were equipped to come out of that effect .

For example , I wouldn’t hate the fact that my mother put herself last for everything. It makes me realize how much she loved us to the point of martyrdom... but I don’t feel I want to do that to myself because she suffered consequences...

But I don’t hold it against her because I’m just not like that and it hasn’t affected my relationships as badly as I managed to pave my own way into empowerment. Had I been stuck at putting myself last I guess I would’ve resented it.

I've also never once burdened my DC with having to know that I was parenting differently, or it was my life's mission, or my own childhood was as abusive as it was. That's such a weight for a child to carry around with them.

We're never going to be perfect. Perfect people and perfect parents don't exist. We just have to use the knowledge we have to do the best we can.

I've also never once burdened my DC with having to know that I was parenting differently, or it was my life's mission, or my own childhood was as abusive as it was. That's such a weight for a child to carry around with them.

I never looked at it this way.. you might be unto something.

Perhaps that’s the cause of my husbands insecurities too. His mother is the same and my mother is the opposite. She sees the good in everything and admired everyone to the point I turned out so naive. So how did you deal with it as a parent yourself ? You vowed to teach your kids to see the good in others and not be critical ?

My mum is incredibly shallow, judgmental and totally focused on how people look, what they wear etc. To be honest, her outlook on this borders on the bizarre. I sent her a picture recently of me and a colleague giving an important presentation to a roomful of people. Her first comment was how good-looking my colleague is

Anyway, I'm not a parent but if I was, I'd like to think that I'd be able to avoid commenting on everyone's appearance, clothes, mannerisms etc., and avoid making everything a competition like my mum did. When there was a test at school the question immediately following on from my result would be "How did Natalie/Jane/Sarah do? Not as good as you?". It instilled this idea that I always had to be the best at everything (including the most fashionable, and best looking with the most handsome boyfriend), which made it a very hard lesson later in life when I realised I couldn't be the best at everything.

Blimey, this has turned into therapy!

That's such a weight for a child to carry around with them

To add to that, @MargoLovebutter I also think it's important not to burden children with any negative information which they might carry as a burden. My dad had a horrendous childhood and while my mum didn't give me all the details, she gave me enough so that I kept myself awake well into the early hours many nights as a child. Ditto when my mum used to talk about how poor my parents were when they first got married and had me. I felt so sad at the thought of my parents being sad/in pain but completely unable to help in any way at all

Good:
Ensured we had a good education
Fed us healthy meals, took us to the Dr if we needed it, taught good dental hygiene etc
Provided for us materially (beyond what was necessary- see below)
Dad would often play board games or video games with us

Not so good:
Dad is useless with kids when they act up, he often hit us out of anger (I don't leave him alone with my DC)
Mum was snappy, ignored us as punishment, made dramatic statements in anger - generally emotionally immature
Parents either hated or barely tolerated each other from when I was 7 at most, didn't split up til I was 16, really horrible atmosphere at home. Still don't speak now so sibling and I couldn't have them both at weddings, graduation etc
Prioritised material things over time with kids - wanted big house, new cars, foreign holidays etc so worked overtime a lot. Sibling and I spent more time with grandparents than our parents. I know I sound really ungrateful but they had debts and were obsessed with money and I'd much rather have had an "average" lifestyle and time with my parents, thought this a lot when I was an older child/young teen especially
Didn't encourage us to follow our dreams/talents, instead pushed us to focus on very academic things (which in the end have been useless for sibling and I in terms of getting good jobs!)

I try to do things differently. I'm a SAHM (in a smallish but adequate house). I read a lot about child behaviour and strategies for dealing with the tricky bits. Have a stable marriage. Encourage my kids to follow their interests and don't say "you'll never succeed at that". I do worry that I'm fucking up royally though. Maybe they'll wish I worked so they could have a bigger house, go abroad etc!