Are you happy with your parent’s parenting ?

[DoraTheExplorer3]

Hi all,

NC for this.
I often struggle to find role models in my parents in certain aspects and in other aspects it really influences my parenting.

Did you have a good childhood? Influenced by great parenting? How did it influence your parenting ?

Can you share details about what you mostly look up to your parents for ?

It seems like a lot of people aren’t happy with who their parents are, I wonder whether someone out there is. I would like that to be my son when he is older one day lol.

Agree DirtyDennis children should be free to have their own childhood, not lumbered carrying around all the shit from someone else's - more often than not, a parent's.

I never understand why anyone would tell their child such stuff - what purpose does it serve?

My nearly adult DC are curious now about me and my childhood, but I still heavily edit it, as I don't want them to have to feel sorry for me or to make it difficult for them at family gatherings. If they are still curious when they are proper adults, I may tell them more.

My eldest is aware that I had a somewhat 'complicated'' childhood, and that's all she knows.

My mother burdened me with far too much, far too young of her terrible childhood. It was terrible, and I deeply feel for her. But that was unfair.

I remember her having a go at me about having therapy, and I got fed up and turned around and said, 'you've HAD therapy, you've used me as your bloody therapist since I was a child'! (And that's when the fight started. . . It used to get really bad when she/we had too much to drink. I refuse to get to that point now.

Well my mum kept her horses well fed with the best of everything, £60 shoes every 6 weeks etc..yet me and my siblings ate shitty frozen food daily. I know its hardly neglect but its terrible priorities
Then her second husband was horrendous manipulative and alcoholic. Smacked me too hard a few times and threw me up some stairs which i was made to lie about to social services.
A lot of great memories though but they get overshadowed by the above

Some of my mums parenting was fantastic. I always felt loved and supported and encouraged.
Some of it was rubbish she was a single parent and as the oldest child she leaned on me too much and made me her confidant and support more than it was appropriate.
No one is perfect though.

Interesting thread, and something I worry about a lot. I really don't want to parent like my mum, but it's all very confused in my head about why I feel this way. I remember lots of occasions of what I guess would be classed as emotional abuse, plus shes a very critical woman. It terrifies me that I will end up like her

Not at all. My dad had no boundaries. He treated us as friends rather than his children. Very inappropriate and irresponsible parenting. Of course I loved it as a kid and I don’t feel like it’s negatively impacted me as an adult but I don’t have much contact with him these days.

My mum was better but never very nurturing. So she made sure we went to school but we were late every day and didn’t do our homework. She provided us with food but it would be a microwave ready meal so I never learned how to cook. She was never very interested in our lives and never encouraged us to be ourselves- instead she’d restrict our personalities and quirks.

I have a good enough relationship with both of them but I don’t feel like I have either a mother or a father figure in my life. They’re more like distant relatives I see a few times a year. I do get jealous of those who are close to their parents.

Interesting stories everyone. I have been reading every single one.

Will comment soon.

I’m still surprised at the number of us who are mostly unhappy with our parents parenting. It almost seems like it’s rare for someone to have parents to look up to as role models for when they have to deal with their own kids.

I've also never once burdened my DC with having to know that I was parenting differently, or it was my life's mission, or my own childhood was as abusive as it was. That's such a weight for a child to carry around with them

That's really interesting. I didn't have a good upbringing and don't have a relationship with my mother now. I was always determined to do things differently with my dc. I do talk to them about my mum and some of the things she did and they know I want to be the best mother possible. Should I not have shared this with them? I am worrying now.

Good bits:
Mother divorced single parent so we lived with wonderful grandparents.
Always felt loved, fed, clothed.
Freedom to play out, for hours.

Less good:
Mother could be very anxious, controlling, disapproving and suffocating. This got worse after grandparents died.
No reliable father on scene.
Lack of space and money, had to share a bedroom with mother until left home aged 18.
Lack of aspiration, went to shitty school, was bright child (top of year group) but felt pressure to leave early and get a job. Did nursing instead of degree I wanted as it would lead to early employment.
No driving lessons. This bother me more than one would think.

Weirdly discussed the influence our parents had on us with DP last night. Decided my parents taught me what I didn’t want to be like, especially my Mother.

My Mum never really knew how to be a typical Mum. She’s never shown an ounce of empathy or sympathy. She isn’t the typical sort of Mum you can always rely on for a hug and kindness, I’ve never been able to turn to her with problems because she is quite cold and callous. I left home at 16 so as soon as I could really, I found her insufferable to live with and we fought a lot. She was always quite a shouty Mum too which I try my best not to do with my DC. There were other issues regarding my Step-Dad physically and emotionally abusing me for a decade which she turned a blind eye to. My Mother isn’t very bright either, she’s not completely stupid but intelligent is not a word I would use where she is concerned.

My Dad basically tried to buy me. He didn’t know to parent effectively so would just buy me anything I wanted, take me on expensive holidays or trips out and hope that was enough. It always felt kind of empty with him and since I turned 18, he’s barely been in contact.

DP said my parents largely sold me out and that’s why I now plug so much of my time and energy into ensuring my DC feel secure, happy and loved all of the time.

I genuinely think my Mum thinks she tried her best but her best was basically making sure we were always clean, fed, dressed in decent clothes, lived in a clean home, went on school trips etc. Imo those are the bare minimum requirements.

I have to add tho, my mother in law is someone who i model myself on as a parent.
She prioritised her kids 100% throigh many hard times. They were fed almost entirely healthy home cooked food, nurtured their individual personalities, treated them respectfully and never smacked, rarely shouted. They are all well rounded individuals now and shes an amazing nanna

I really hope you’re not a journalist. FU DailyFail in case.

My childhood was awful, my dad was killed before I was born and whilst my mum did her best to raise all of us. She neglected to tell me about my dad, talk to me about him, take me to his grave, we had one picture of him, I wanted information, I started googling his death from the age of 11 just to find closure and I did this until I finally got the closure I needed 8 years later. This all impacted me massively, she only really started opening up about him when I was 16/17 and even then it was only certain things. I started visiting his grave on my own from 16.

Other than that, we was poor, we grew up in horrific neighbourhoods, one neighbourhood was so bad, a man had murdered two prostitues and put them in plastic bags in the alleyways. Thugs hung animals from washing lines and set them on fire. My brothers were beat up. We had fireworks aimed at the house, attacked on a daily basis. I was bullied in all of the schools I moved too. We had clothes too small, we had nothing, birthdays and Christmas was awful.

I just felt neglected a lot during childhood, a boyfriend of my mother’s used to physically abuse my brothers and emotionally abuse me. I used to consider calling childline every day or writing help on the car windows. But I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

I felt like a grew up well before my time, I missed out on my childhood.

It’s funny to think that in a few years our DC will could be writing and replying to a post like this one about us!

On one hand I felt i had an idyllic childhood until I wad about 12. Lots of cheap and cheerful breaks and holidays at Butlins, Blackpool, North Wales. Magical Christmases. Encouraged to do hobbies and activities.
Then at 12 I realised my parents and our hone wad quite scruffy and old fashioned. I had to clean the house a lot out of embarassment. My patents bought us cheap market clothes, trainers etc. I was embarrassed so started asking for more branded stuff for birthday and Christmas which they would buy from the catalogue reluctantly. Often they woupd get me the discount/cheaper version of what i wanted so i always ensure my DC get the item they asked for.
There was always money for cigarettes and alcohol. They wouldnt dream of paying for a day out at Alton Towers but would always take us away to the seaside.
They still take the mick out of me for paying to have my hair or nails done, holidaying abroad, or tidying up a lot! Their house is becoming more like a hovel by the day. They're loving and supportive so i try and ignore the scruffiness and snide comments.

It’s funny to think that in a few years our DC will could be writing and replying to a post like this one about us!

Yes. I really hope my son would say “my mother was not perfect, but she tried to do her best to make me feel loved and cared for, and that’s enough for me to appreciate her”.

Some of these are really sad to read. Some people have been through aweful childhoods.

But there are some mentions here which I don’t want to minimize the suffering of the pp, but I feel it’s unfair that their biggest memory of their parent would be the small differences they had with them. I feel like we need to allow our parents to be human, make mistakes, be different.

As long as it wasn’t abusive or malicious, as long as they tried to be the better version of themselves, I would honestly honor them and appreciate them.

My mother had mistakes, she spoke about them as we grew older, it affected me yes but she affected me in other much More positive ways. She gave me enough love to thrive. I feel her tolerance and patience definitely rubbed off on me. However she erred on the side of being fair on herself which in fact I’m trying to not to do and finding bloody hard.

It’s very hard being a parent.. it’s almost impossible to not make mistakes. Where do we draw the line about not being so resentful over it?

I see it as childhood is a school, not a heaven. We are meant to go through life, protected and cared for but part of life is to co exist with humans and their mistakes... and parents are those humans .

My father had mental health issues and he is the one that made mistakes which I find very difficult to overlook.. I try to. But I feel so much anxiety every time I feel I might be parenting similar to him. He has extremely good sides to him too... but his mistakes were a bit horrifying that it just doesn’t compensate in my opinion.

Some mistakes are easy to compensate I feel.. I hope I equip my son with enough strength so he can overcome the traces I leave behind due to being human and having mistakes.

I know I’m far from perfect. I need to make peace with myself and that’s why I’m trying to see at what level can I feel like I’m gonna one day have a son that looks back and think I did a good job despite not being perfect ? How much imperfection is allowed ?

My parents tried their best - their own up bringing came with issues.

I think they struggled the older we got - they really don't seem to want adult relationships with us.

They did a lot right but I wished they'd be more supportive generally and less critical and negative. Though I suspect now at least they should be being treated for depression and anxiety.

Wished Mum hadn't overshared in my teens - when they had issues and she had no one else to talk with but it damaged my realtionship with my Dad. wished they'd protected us more form DGP favouritism of others bit more, wished they didn't label us so young and stick with them, done more about bullying not going along with school line of it was our fault TBH wished they picked different schools.

I also wish a lot of traditions pumpkins, fireworks Easter and even on days out suddenly stopped around time I started secondary, birthday parties – despite having sibling in primary school still. I suspect they were just worn out – but a lot of parenting stopped for all of us then outside groups home baking – they didn’t really do anything with us though they still showed an interest in school work.

Wow chosen. I fear my kids might think the same when they go to secondary. I really hoped you were going to say you realised life wasnt about the branded goods and you appreciated what they could afford and the holidays by the seaside!

I really wish there was a way I coukd protect my kids from feeling inferior when they go to secondary, and not get caught up in branded goods and image. They love the holidays weve been able to afford and all the NT days put and walking in woods so far. But we cant afford (and partly dont really want to) all the expensive stuff.

Doratheexplorer, I agree with much of what you say.

It irritates me immensely that I have one sister that I swear, EVERYTHING seems to come back for her to something that she blames one or both of our parents for.

I mean she's in her fifties now. AT WHAT POINT DO YOU START TAKING SOME RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN DAMNED LIFE?!

Funnily enough, she's the one who most probably had the least to complain about.

She's also one who could have her kids throw a hell of a lot about how they were parented in her face, in years to come, ironically.

swimming its not about designer gear and lots of branded stuff but a pair or adidas or nike instead of 2 pound pumps of fthe market. It is embarassing at high school. I got a job as soon as i could so i could save for branded trainers and it did wonders for my work ethic to be fair. My DP's just felt it was better to spend £100 worth of tat and jokey stuff for Christmas rather than one or two decent things.

My parents were awful and it’s only now I have a child myself I realise how bad they were/ are. Not abusive just neglectful.

I had a terrible ‘blended family’ blender was broken. That was on my Mums side, and I also had an evil stepmother who my Dad left my Mum for. I think I visited their house probably a handful of times during my childhood. Don’t remember my half sisters growing up as she was too jealous to let us visit and Dad allowed it. They went on holidays to 5* locations- we were doing car boot sales to get by.

Step siblings used to steal from us. It was decided a solution to this was to have locks on our bedroom doors. I never felt comfortable in my own home from the age of about 11 onwards.

My Mum never did homework with me, sat with me, spent time with me or really got to know me. I remember on one holiday I was 12 and just alone in the holiday resort because she was spending time with her partner.

Our relationship now is fine, but obviously we’re not close. For my wedding her only concern was her own make up.

Basically, I will do everything completely differently. I also really disagree with blended/ step family situations and would never put my DD into one even if DH and I did split.

MBos- what you say makes sense, that we should take responsibility for our own lives and not blame our parents. But at what point do we blame the parents as it is a fact that bad parenting can severely affect adults too. Where is the line between dealing with our own issues or acknowledging that we had been mistreated as children and need help?

swimming- I must admit if I hadn’t read about how it made you feel I could’ve easily made the same mistake as your parents. DS is still too young. I was raised with no labels and second hand things and it didn’t effect me at all, not until my father remarried and then he started buying lots of Brands and expensive things to his new kids... it’s was the unfairness of it all. But my mum, continued with that “humble” lifestyle and I admire her for it.

But I can totally understand now why I shouldn’t assume this would be ok for my child. But I would call this a “mistake”.

For me these are things I can’t just “dismiss” as mistakes and in fact think kids who suffered that should get therapy:

• obvious different treatment between kids - financially, emotionally and all sorts
• abuse of any kind
• Total lack of affection
• financial abuse
• one parent setting a child against the other
• exploiting a Child’s innocence by sharing information that a child cannot use their own judgement on and ends up emotionally confused
• prioritizing luxuries or family wants over a child’s basic needs.
• not taking responsibility to teach a child social skills and manners by being a good role model
• not spending time with kids

-abusing or undermining the other parent and causing inconsistencies in a child’s mind

Having said that, I’m quite tolerant and if a parent did any of the above and managed to acknowledge their mistake and want to support you to overcome the effects, I would honestly be able to forgive.

Having said that, I’m quite tolerant and if a parent did any of the above and managed to acknowledge their mistake and want to support you to overcome the effects, I would honestly be able to forgive.

Totally agree. The problem I have with my Mum is that she has no idea that she wasn’t a good parent, she’s just oblivious. She’ll look back on our childhood with rose tinted glasses and talk about memories.