Are you happy with your parent’s parenting ?

[DoraTheExplorer3]

Hi all,

NC for this.
I often struggle to find role models in my parents in certain aspects and in other aspects it really influences my parenting.

Did you have a good childhood? Influenced by great parenting? How did it influence your parenting ?

Can you share details about what you mostly look up to your parents for ?

It seems like a lot of people aren’t happy with who their parents are, I wonder whether someone out there is. I would like that to be my son when he is older one day lol.

My childhood: my father was a merchant marine, his posts were usually 9months long, his longest was 12 months. He always sent his pay. When he came home the first 3 days were lovely then him and mom fought. He cooked funny things. He never said much.
Mom was my best friend, dramatic, fun, but disorganized. She thought the sun revolved around me.
I could do no wrong, anything I wanted I got. I was never disciplined.
No real guidance whatsoever, some feral parenting, only through the grace of God am I alive. I was a tramp I kind of wanted to be a 70’s hippy, classy royal fusion.
Different: I was heavy handed with my 3, scolded them lots and often, “No” was a complete sentace. I monitored their every move. Date rape, sexual favours in exchange for booze and drugs WERE NOT happening under my eyes. Meals at 8-12-5 no exceptions. No alcohol no smoking.
So I swung the pendulum too far the other way. Despite the usual mn no contact, my trio give me time with the grandchildren, day, night, weekend here, 2-3 weeks in the summer. Weaned and tt the little ones. But I’ve matured and have developed better skills.
My children’s parenting is healthier.

I admit that I find my own parenting woefully lacking when compared to my parents.
As far as I'm concerned, they did everything right and when I asked my siblings the same thing, they agreed that I wasn't looking back on life through rose tinted glasses and my parents were indeed awesome.

They worked as a team, were supportive and hugely generous with their time, love and affection.

I try my best (and probably fail!) to deliver the same level of parenting as my folks did. I do hope that my children know how much they're adored and cherished though and I'm sure they do know that.

*I admit that I find my own parenting woefully lacking when compared to my parents.
As far as I'm concerned, they did everything right and when I asked my siblings the same thing, they agreed that I wasn't looking back on life through rose tinted glasses and my parents were indeed awesome.

They worked as a team, were supportive and hugely generous with their time, love and affection.

I try my best (and probably fail!) to deliver the same level of parenting as my folks did. I do hope that my children know how much they're adored and cherished though and I'm sure they do know that.*

Awww that’s lovely to read.

Can you tell us more about your parents and how they managed to be this awesome? Makes it seem tangible!

Practically it was fine. We were always clean, fed and clothed. Always taken to the Dr if poorly and saw the dentist regularly. We went on holidays in the UK when I was a little, then abroad from the age 12.

However my DM was unpredictable and moody and there was very little emotional support. I trod on eggshells around her for most of my childhood not knowing what to expect, and she had (and still has) no boundaries. Barging into my bedroom etc. No hugs, no 'I love you's', never asked about my day or how I was, worries were ignored and minimised. DM never did stuff with us, we never went swimming or to the cinema or to the zoo unless either a friends mum or an Auntie took us. Not through lack of money, she just couldn't be bothered.

DF was better, and definitely the more fun and loving. Freely giving hugs etc. But there was very much an attitude that bringing the kids up was wifework and DM couldn't really be arsed.

Neither encouraged us to do well at school, and hobbies were met with indifference and seen as a PITA. I think if you were to ask them now they'd say they were just trying not to be pushy, but some kids need a push and I was definitely one of the kids that needed it.

Dm loved us, but she didn't keep us safe from f's abuse. I was angry about it for a long time, but as I got older I've come to understand that she did the best she could with the limited resources she had due to her own experiences of abuse.

We have a good relationship now. She is a lovely gm to my dds. She has said how much she wishes she had given us the childhood that my dc have.

Nope.

Some of it classic 80s I guess - some smacking, sending to room, they don’t understand now how I’ve never managed to get my toddler to sleep in a cot or not wake up at night so I guess sleep training.

I think the things about the above that I find impossible to forgive now was just how cold some of it was - so I remember many, many nights of my brother being sent to his room for something minor (they tended to always assume the worst of him) and he would cry himself to sleep for hours and hours. Usually I’d sneak in and hold him. I guess looking back I don’t know how or why they would do that so often and not feel bad about it, as a child if crushed me listening to that and even as a 30-something the memory makes me feel sick.

Generally a very quiet house, no real laughter or joking. This wasn’t really their fault because they are just quite serious people, but I want a more fun house than that and I would hate it to be so quiet for my kids.

No spontaneity or fun - “fun” trips were planned far in advance and were generally very boring, holidays were planned I think just around logistics and money without seemingly any concern for whether anyone actually enjoyed them.

I have a memory of going shopping with my mother and her buying a (very cheap) handbag on the spur of the moment and then being made to feel so guilty by my dad that she drove the 30 miles to take it back straight away. We weren’t well off but I knew that we could have afforded it, and it seemed to be about more than money.

Can you tell us more about your parents and how they managed to be this awesome? Makes it seem tangible!

I wish I could OP, I've no idea what their secret was. I suspect it was the golden triangle in that there was a traditional set up of my dad going out to work, my mum being a SAHM for our early years and we have a huge Asian family full with cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles galore and lots of time spent together, and my parents truly love each other. So essentially teamwork, the family "village" and love.

We were comfortable but also knew the value of money, our parents never spoiled us with material things and treated the 3 of us equally. They gave us strict boundaries but also a listening ear, a comforting shoulder and fierce hugs and we knew they would always fight our corner.

On top of all this, my dad absolutely adores my mum and would always tell us how much he loves her. They're affectionate with each other (still, in their early 70's) and were very vocal about spending time with each other but not to our detriment. They always put each other ahead of themselves and to our young eyes, this probably ensured that we felt secure that in their love for each other, we were also secure in the family unit.

I don't know if that makes any sense whatsoever, I've never tried to describe it before but I hope it gives some idea.

I try to give my two boys the four things I personally feel that kids need: Love, Affection, Consistency and Boundaries. I also am really working on more patience as I've gone through periods of being quite shouty and impatient especially when they were smaller.

My parents are not perfect people at all. But to me, they parented us perfectly.

Awwww Stoke, you give me hope.

I’m inspired :).

I tell you though OP, it's tough to live up to!! I set very high standards for myself, but even my mum says to me "we parented in a different time darling... the rat race moves so much faster these days and you have to keep up".

I think she says that to assuage any guilt I feel about working full time (which I don't), but that's because I live overseas and have a great quality of life and work life balance which I doubt I'd get if I lived in the UK. Certainly my working hours in my role in the UK would be ridiculous, but I can manage them pretty well here and my office, home and school are within a 3 mile radius of each other.

room32 your experience is exactly the same as mine. We were well cared for but that emotional side was missing and my mother would have terrible rages. Think throwing a cup of tea at the wall and blowing up at something small. Unfortunately my dad passed away 15 years ago and my mum was widowed at 55. She then wanted to develop this loving relationship with us. Like going shopping and hugging us which she had never done before. As she has got older she has mellowed and no longer has these rages. I go and stay from.time to time and we have quite a nice time but I wouldn't exactly day we are close. I always felt envious of my friends who had close loving relationships with their parents and in particular their mothers.

Some of my issues have meant Ive wanted to spend time with my kids in holidays and afterschool and made that a priority. However the flip side is we aren't "comfortable" and cant " afford everything!."