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Original poster

Any child free by choice or happily child free posters around?

59 replies

MuseumofInnocence · 04/03/2019 15:15

First of all, I'd like to issue a trigger warning for those who have gone through or are going through fertility treatment.

Me and my DH are going through fertility treatment (IVF/ICSI), it's been going on for a while, and we think it's unlikely to work out. We're coming to terms with the idea that children may not be part of our lives. Now, clearly by going down this path, we have thought that having children could be a positive thing, but on the other hand, we have our eyes open to the idea that life without children could be quite nice. We'd have more money, time, etc.

We're not looking to be child free necessarily by choice, but acquiescing to a child free life. We have friend and nephews and nieces, so we have people in our life.

Are there child free posters here who are either child free by choice, or semi-reluctantly child free? And are you happy? I'd love to hear how you coped, and how life is without children.

OP posts:

Spanielmadness · 04/03/2019 15:19

I’m 37 and have never been maternal. Other people’s kids are great and I loved my time working in a nursery and as a nanny. The thought of noisy, whiney, dirty, expensive kids around forever does nothing for me. I like giving them back. I have a dog who I adore, I can go on holiday when and where I like and I just don’t want kids. I appreciate this is different to wanting them but being unable to have them. Would you adopt? I don’t understand the biological drive for children.

Original poster

MuseumofInnocence · 04/03/2019 15:22

We don't think we're selfless enough, or want children enough to adopt. I have friends who adopted and we have seen the struggle and difficulties they've gone through, and on top of fertility treatment, not something we are keen to do.

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 04/03/2019 15:24

There are LOADS of child free posters on MN, both by choice and by circumstance.

I'm the former and always knew I didn't want kids. I used to get "oh you'll change your mind when you find the right woman" but I said "she'd be the wrong woman if she wants kids". 45 tomorrow, never had even a second's doubt over it.

The downside for me is it's very hard to find a partner who doesn't already have children when your my age and I've been single for 9 years now. So I am lonely. But I can't date someone with kids, it's all sorts of not fair on anyone.

You have the advantage of already having a partner.

Loneliness aside, everything else is great. Have to say, I have many child free friends and they are all very happy. And all of us look years younger than our same-age friends with kids!

DuchessofManchester · 04/03/2019 15:35

Me and my husband are child free by choice. I love our life together, we can spend time together at the weekends, both go out with friends on the same night without one of us having to cancel because of childcare. We can both progress in our careers leaving a comfortable amount left over for travel and experiences.

Original poster

MuseumofInnocence · 04/03/2019 15:40

Thanks, for those of you child free by choice, have you thought about how you might need to work a bit harder to find a purpose? What I mean by that is that while we will have money if we don't have children, we will have more "hedonistic" pleasures, but do you feel the need to add purpose in some other way (e.g. volunteering)?

OP posts:

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 04/03/2019 15:40

DH never wanted kids, think it's worked out ok & now I'm nearly menopausal, I'd have struggled!

DirtyDennis · 04/03/2019 15:42

I am child-free by choice.

I have always known I didn't want children. I don't particularly like children. I don't have any children in my life and that works perfectly well for me.

I feel me and DP have complete autonomy and freedom over our free time. We don't have any obligations to anyone but ourselves and our own happiness.

I'm in my early 30s and have never been happier. I feel optimistic at having the rest of my life stretched out like a massive blank canvas in front of me not structured or punctuated by milestones in a child's life.

I'm not tied to a particular area/country/job because of stability or school etc. While, at the moment, I need a job to bring in a wage, I'm not constrained by having to earn mu current wage to pay childcare/children's clothes/another mouth to feed.

Related to this, me and DP are certainly more financially free than our friends with children. At our current wages, we're on track to retire at 43.

DirtyDennis · 04/03/2019 15:44

have you thought about how you might need to work a bit harder to find a purpose?

What I mean by that is that while we will have money if we don't have children, we will have more "hedonistic" pleasures, but do you feel the need to add purpose in some other way (e.g. volunteering)?

I know you didn't mean it this way, but I find the implication that child-free people have no purpose incredibly insulting. No, I don't feel any pressure to have any "purpose". For me, the only "purpose" or goal in my life is to be as happy as possible every single day, which I am without children

MangoPorridge · 04/03/2019 15:46

I am reluctantly child free currently. I hope it may happen but I also wish I somehow had the certainty either way. What I do know is asides from time, money etc. saved it is about having a rich, purposeful life, feeling alive and that you are making a contribution.

Original poster

MuseumofInnocence · 04/03/2019 15:47

That's a fair answer. What I mean is that I think many people with children see the raising of children as one of the key purposes in their life. I think me and DH might want to consider if we need to re-evaluate our purpose in any way if we are child free. But I take your point.

OP posts:

MangoPorridge · 04/03/2019 15:48

I also don't think having a purposeful life is something you have to aim for if you are child free. I had a life threatening event a few years ago and it changed my outlook. I do think more about what I want to look back on when I am 90 (I hope) and what I want to leave behind.

Sakura7 · 04/03/2019 15:55

Mid thirties and childfree. When I was younger I assumed I'd have/want children in the future, but once I got to the age where that became a real possibility, I found I wasn't that bothered. I also had a partner for seven years who didn't want kids. Broke up with him at 30, but still haven't felt any great desire for kids, and neither has my current DP. I think it's such a big commitment that you need to be really sure you want to do it.

There are definitely benefits, and I don't believe childfree people are missing a purpose! What's wrong with just living your life and trying to make it as happy a life as possible?

MangoPorridge · 04/03/2019 16:02

I think it's about keeping alive and interested and learning. There is nothing wrong with asking spiritualistic questions if you want to. I find spending time with friends children helps. Practising gratitude. Focusing on what is not what isn't. Not running round putting pressure on myself. Also spending time with animals.

Bigsighall · 04/03/2019 16:04

Child free by choice. Can’t say I’ve ever wanted them. We are on track to retire mid 40’s so that’s my purpose!

MrsMaryMooFace · 04/03/2019 16:07

Child free due to circumstance. Once I got my head around it, it was like an epiphany and I am now really genuinely happy without children.
I do have step children but they are adults.

DirtyDennis · 04/03/2019 16:41

OP, I know you didn't mean anything hurtful by it

I think it's just such an ingrained trope that child-free people are somehow lacking something fundamental and spiritual in life. It can get a bit wearing to basically be told (most often unconsciously) that you're life's basically empty and meaningless

What I mean is that I think many people with children see the raising of children as one of the key purposes in their life. I think me and DH might want to consider if we need to re-evaluate our purpose in any way if we are child free
I agree with you. However, my take on life in general is that there is no purpose or meaning whatsoever. Human life in general, but an individual's life in particular, is a completely insignificant blip in the scope of time, the universe, and space. While we're here we just need to make each day as happy and fun as possible.

tierraJ · 04/03/2019 18:35

minou123 · 04/03/2019 18:48

I'm child free by choice. I'm not 30s, no interest in having children.
(As a side note, I've always hate when people tell me "you'll change your mind")
I do have a purpose in life and that is to make sure I have the happiest life possible for myself. Everyone is different, so that could mean travelling, volunteering etc or just generally living life you enjoy.

SomeDayPerhaps · 04/03/2019 18:48

I'll be honest I have never wanted or liked children and I don't understand why people roll their lives into little balls and chuck them to someone else (ie become a parent) , other than the kids I know very well I don't have much time for them. Even the ones I do know I run out of energy within 5 minutes and tell them to go and play or something. If I'm in a restaurant I'll ask to be seated away from any visible highchairs.

But I'm very intolerant, I suffer with misophonia that is only getting worse as I age and I'm extremely sensitive to noise in general, so it's loud people or crowds I avoid in general as much as noisy children.

I'm a good person and I try to be kind etc but I am very selfish and secretive with my personal space and time and I would not sacrifice that to even babysit never mind raise one.

minou123 · 04/03/2019 18:49

Sorry, that should say, I am not 30s

ComtesseDeSpair · 04/03/2019 18:52

Childfree by choice. I do most of what I want, most of the time. I have a very fulfilled existence and a lot of friends - who I almost certainly wouldn’t be able to cultivate such deep relationships with if I had the responsibility and all-consumingness of a family. I am very happy.

ComtesseDeSpair · 04/03/2019 19:15

And I agree with Dennis: life doesn’t have purpose or meaning. We’re just here, living and doing. You haven’t failed in fulfilling your “purpose” if you don’t reproduce.

Bravelurker · 04/03/2019 19:49

I knew from early childhood that I did not want children, the reasons I gave to strangers (as some people have no quarms about asking such a personal question) is I'm selfish, too independent etc.

The truth is in fact unlike a lot of my friends and family, I didn't think that it was something you just did because it's 'natural'. Well, what if it(motherhood) doesn't come naturally, what if you have them and realise that you you can't hack it, can't stand them and ruin their lives forever.

My maternal grandmother was one of these people and my DM was removed from her from the age of five due to horrific abuse and neglect.

Not that I would be anything like that but if others were that forward thinking then you wouldn't have god awful stories on the news and so many unwanted innocent children.

I love children and my friends think I would've made a wonderful mother but I'm happy to be a favourite Aunt and if I ever get my shit together then a brilliant Foster parent.

Bravelurker · 04/03/2019 19:56

Sorry I forgot to answer the question, lots of lie-ins, lots of holidays, nights out, DIY projects, bike rides, television shows that have parental warnings at the start and work.

mydogisthebest · 04/03/2019 19:57

Me and DH both in our early 60's. We are childfree by choice. Quite a few reasons why we chose not to have children which I won't bore you with.

Neither of us have ever regretted our decision. In fact as the years have gone by (we have been married nearly 40 years) we have been more and more convinced we made the right choice.

We do both like children and have played a big part in our nieces and nephews lives, having them for weekends, taking them on holiday with us etc. We loved the times we spent with them but were always glad that at the end of the weekend/holiday they were going back to their parents.

We certainly have not had loads of spare money just because we didn't have children. I feel that we have though had a happy life and marriage which has been pretty stress free which I doubt it would have been if we had chosen to have children.

I will be totally honest and say that I am a big worrier and I do worry sometimes that if my DH dies before me I may end up alone and lonely. I don't think though that you should have children to try and prevent that though and, anyway, you could have 4 children and still end up alone and lonely

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