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Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Any child free by choice or happily child free posters around?

59 replies

MuseumofInnocence · 04/03/2019 15:15

First of all, I'd like to issue a trigger warning for those who have gone through or are going through fertility treatment.

Me and my DH are going through fertility treatment (IVF/ICSI), it's been going on for a while, and we think it's unlikely to work out. We're coming to terms with the idea that children may not be part of our lives. Now, clearly by going down this path, we have thought that having children could be a positive thing, but on the other hand, we have our eyes open to the idea that life without children could be quite nice. We'd have more money, time, etc.

We're not looking to be child free necessarily by choice, but acquiescing to a child free life. We have friend and nephews and nieces, so we have people in our life.

Are there child free posters here who are either child free by choice, or semi-reluctantly child free? And are you happy? I'd love to hear how you coped, and how life is without children.

OP posts:
Coffeebean76 · 05/03/2019 01:12

Thanks, for those of you child free by choice, have you thought about how you might need to work a bit harder to find a purpose? What I mean by that is that while we will have money if we don't have children, we will have more "hedonistic" pleasures, but do you feel the need to add purpose in some other way (e.g. volunteering)?

No its really not the case... life takes over doesn't it? You continue to develop yourself, build your career, foster relationships, educate yourself and explore cultural pursuits and travel adventures.

Having children actually stilts that when you become a parent and stop putting yourself first. Its really rewarding living without children and having your time to yourself to continue to engage with all the adventures life brings. Its not about being 'hedonistic' - that's silly, who has the energy for that after 40? There is more to life than clubbbing.

I never understand some people can't understand those without children can continue to develop and grow and explore all life has to offer without being 'hedonistic'.

Roffle2019 · 05/03/2019 01:16

Child free by choice here and was happily going to share my experience until I read “Have you thought about how you might need to work a bit harder to find a purpose?”

Are you actually serious? I am a PhD educated, intelligent, kind, generous, resourceful, loving, loved, interested and interesting woman and yet you think because I am not a mother I don’t have purpose?

Here you go: Biscuit

PissOffPeppa · 05/03/2019 01:42

When I was younger I assumed I'd have/want children in the future, but once I got to the age where that became a real possibility, I found I wasn't that bothered

This is me. I’m at an age where I could still try for children in future if I so wish, but as I get older, I find I’m less fond of the idea.

I absolutely love children though- I work with them and could never imagine doing anything else. The thought of bringing up my own doesn’t interest me at all though.

joyfullittlehippo · 05/03/2019 01:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

panticus · 05/03/2019 02:55

I am childfree by choice. To be honest I have never really enjoyed the company of children and have never had any urge to have a baby. Having seen virtually all of my friends have kids just made me think it all looks too hard. Hard on your marriage, time, career, finances, body etc.

We have a very comfortable life and a very happy marriage. We both have quite time consuming hobbies - horses and running for me - so we certainly don't feel like we have empty lives.

That said I do sometimes feel a little lonely in my path. I only have one other friend who is childfree by choice so I can't help but sometimes feel a bit like the odd one out. Maybe it is a bit of FOMO but I almost get a bit angry that everyone else seems to have found it such a straightforward decision to have kids. I'm not sure if I'm explaining that very well!

MuseumofInnocence · 05/03/2019 07:34

Are you actually serious? I am a PhD educated, intelligent, kind, generous, resourceful, loving, loved, interested and interesting woman and yet you think because I am not a mother I don’t have purpose?

You misunderstood me and what I wrote. I didn't claim that people without children don't have a purpose. Rather I asked whether you thought you needed to find purpose in other ways than by having children. Easy mistake to make though and sorry if I wasn't clear enough

OP posts:
diplodocusinermine · 05/03/2019 08:15

Child free by choice here - never maternal, knew I didn't want children from a very early (mid-teens) age and have never regretted the choice even slightly. Luckily DH was fairly ambivalent, although I think he'd have probably made a great father.

No-one has ever questioned my choice but I do get the feeling sometimes that women who don't have children and who don't have the 'compensation' of being a high flyer in one field or another, are looked down on as being slightly odd.

Why am I happy with my childfree life? Less angst - you only have to read many of the posts on here to see that raising children is stressful, and can be heartbreaking.

I have many instances in my own circle where bringing children into the mix has ruined a marriage - my SIL lost all respect for her DH when their daughter was born as he basically opted out; their DD is heading for university next year and it'll be interesting to see if their marriage survives her absence. Many more instances of separation where kids were a major factor.

I find young children and their 'doings' spectacularly boring. If we had gone down the route of having a family, obviously we would have loved and cared for our own children, but just the thought of having to do the play date, ferrying to endless sport/recreational commitments, all the school stuff etc makes me shudder just thinking about it!

Children don't always (usually Grin ) turn out how you imagine - they can be difficult, obstructive, argumentative, rebellious - not for any particular reason, just because. Again, threads on here show the angst of having to deal with school refusal, drugs, alcohol, bullying, behavioural problems, illness and disability etc. Evidence of my own friends and family who struggled with children's behaviour at times.

I often think people who are childfree by choice give far more thought to their decision than people who have children, just because it seems like that's what you do.

On a really personal level, I like my own space, and I like peace and quiet. I hate places like theme parks and clattery spaces with a passion.

I also don't buy the argument that people's lives are meaningless without children (mine sure as hell isn't, to me anyway.) Children hopefully grow up and leave home - they may move to the other side of the world, they may decide they hate their parents and drop all contact. Does the life of the parent suddenly become meaningless because they no longer have a child to raise? Were the lives of all the women left single and childless after 1918 meaningless? Has your life been meaningless up until now?

Unless you're going to find a cure for cancer or a way of propelling vehicles with air, I don't think many of us 'achieve' a great deal during our lives. We just live, and if we enjoy the journey, all to the good.

I do stuff that most parents do, I just have the opportunity to do it at my own convenience - I read, listen to music, knit and sew stuff, go to concerts, go walking, go away for weekends, cook involved recipes with DH on a Saturday evening, mooching round the kitchen with a glass of wine and listening to the radio. We have the kind of holidays WE want, so more Loire chateaux, NT gardens and WWI battlefields than theme parks and bucket and spade - our beach holidays are spent in the Hebrides rather than Torquay.

I love our life, it suits us. Children would have detracted, not added.

MerryMarigold · 05/03/2019 08:16

I totally understand what you meant OP. Being a parent is all consuming, rather than a deliberate purpose. I think that's a romantic view of someone without kids. Bringing up my kids is not my purpose, but it absorbs most if my time and Entergy and 'self'. As a parent, the things I crave are: time for myself just to look after myself really (eg. Time to read books, explore healthier lifestyles), the mental space to be me and not be a mum, the lack of guilt that I'm repeating mistakes made with me, the freedom and time to concentrate on my husband (I'd be interested in divorce stats on purple with children and without). Obviously as a parent, I can't wish my kids away, because they are real now, but I can see many many benefits of a life where they didn't even exist.

MuseumofInnocence · 05/03/2019 08:53

Thanks, I am more and more convinced that having children isn't the be all and the end all by a long way. I think what makes it difficult is the "peer pressure". In our circle of friends, once we got to around 30, our friends started having children, (1st at 30, 2nd at 33, 3rd at 36), and it is the "norm", so to speak.

OP posts:
amusedbush · 05/03/2019 09:12

I think many people with children see the raising of children as one of the key purposes in their life.

Yes, and I roll my eyes when I hear this. Bleugh.

I'm about to turn 29 and I've never wanted children. People tell me that I'll change my mind but to be honest the older I get, the more horrified I am by the thought of having a child. I really, really don't want one.

I have a lovely life with my DH and our dog. I enjoy my career, I'm studying in my own time, I see friends and family frequently, I travel a lot... it's great!

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 05/03/2019 10:19

I am 37 and DP and I are child-free by choice.

I like children and adore my nieces. I certainly see why people want to have children and the joy they can bring. BUT, my personal feeling is that the hard work and drudgery isn't worth it and it isn't something I want for me.

People tell me I will change my mind and ask if I worry I will regret it when it's too late. I don't think fear of regret is a suffiiciently valid reason to have a child. If I regret it, I regret it. I can't change that so there'd be no point stressing.

I have lots of hobbies and cramming them in around work makes me tired. I just wouldn't have the energy to deal with kids as well.

One of my favourite things in the world is waking up on a Saturday and thinking "what shall I do today?" - the world is my oyster. I can go anywhere and do anything I want and I love that.

In terms of value - well, life is fundamentally pointless, isn't it? There's no reason for us to exist. People have children to mask that in part as it gives them a purpose. I've just accepted there isn't one, I'm on earth for however long I'm here and will just do whatever I fancy until I shuffle off this mortal coil.

KarineAimee · 05/03/2019 10:27

(Disclaimer- not child-free)
As someone who has struggled in the past with finding meaning, I just wanted to chip in and say that I think it’s a really normal thing to think about when you find that your life isn’t going to be how you thought. Taking time to adjust and think about how you want to live is completely understandable. I think perhaps when you’ve suffered a great loss or disappointment, it encourages us to take stock and think about things we might not have considered if life had rolled along without any bumps.

For me, I was able to take a ‘grown up gap year’ and was a residential volunteer. I needed that space to work out who I was and what I wanted to do/be in my new reality. I know I was privileged to be able to take that time to adjust and think about the rest of my life. I know others have talked to a life coach about where they want to head in life. I hope you find a way to think through where you want to go and be. x

tentative3 · 05/03/2019 10:30

OH and I are child free by choice. Children have never been on my radar and I've never questioned my choice despite all the 'you'll change your mind/regret it' naysayers. I don't especially like children and struggle with the mess and the noise but I don't share that opinion with my friends and family who have kids because it would be hurtful, and I don't want to hurt them.

As an other poster mentioned I feel lonely quite often, as my friends tend to be at the stage of parenting where their children are fairly all consuming. I understand that and don't resent it but it doesn't change the fact that I miss them. I find it hard to meet other child free people but my job means I find it hard to meet new people anyway.

I actually do understand what you mean about the lack of purpose. I don't see it as that, I see it as my friends have this huge all consuming child raising thing going on and I don't, so there's space in my life for something else. For me that's living well. I struggled somewhat with the idea that I ought to be a high flyer, in the absence of kids, but corporate bullshit does my head in so that was never my destiny either. We travel, go exploring locally, eat out, read etc.

I have no regrets and still vehemently do not want kids. The only thing I'm conscious of is perhaps a want to maintain social connections as I get older because while there's no guarantee of having strong relationships with your kids as you age, it's more common than not.

BiteyShark · 05/03/2019 10:33

Childfree by choice and late 40s. My 'purpose' in life is to be happy, enjoy it as much as possible and have no regrets.

I don't need children or even anyone else in my life to have meaning or purpose. Don't get me wrong I love my DH and dog Wink but that is not about having purpose and I can't think of anything worse than having to rely on others to find that.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 05/03/2019 10:45

I'm curious as to why a child free person would be interested in mumsnet.

joyfullittlehippo · 05/03/2019 10:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MuseumofInnocence · 05/03/2019 10:52

I'm curious as to why a child free person would be interested in mumsnet.

I'm sure others will answer this, but for me, apart from the name, the site is almost nothing to do with parenting. It's a site where people discuss their daily lives, and mainly, but not exclusively, from a female perspective.

OP posts:
BiteyShark · 05/03/2019 10:52

BigSandyBalls2015 there are lots of threads about this (and they can get quite heated for obvious reasons).

Look at the list of topics. The majority are nothing at all to do with children. I frequent the doghouse a lot but also post on other interesting threads of which there are many (again absolutely nothing to do with children or parenting).

I also don't exclude parents in RL so not sure why you think childless people wouldn't be intestested in discussing weight loss, pets, bereavement, relationships, money, politics etc with people whether they have children or not.

There are also men on here Shock

Mumnet comes up in lots of google searches so again it doesn't take much imagination into how a lot of us found this site.

MaxNormal · 05/03/2019 10:57

I'm another childfree by choice person. Happily married, DH on the same page. I'm almost 44 now and I never changed my mind, in fact I have become more certain in my decision as time has passed.
It just never appealed. I'm not interested in babies and children, and I hate noise, mess, chaos and stickiness.
I'm a sucker for a puppy though.

Girlwhowearsglasses · 05/03/2019 10:58

(Disclaimer - i have children)
I’ve just got to 45 - and for the last ten years I’ve watched many of my contemporaries have kids. As our forties approached I found myself ‘worrying’ about those who looked like they might not have children (some through choice and some not). I found I wondered about people my age when I met them and asked if they had children - partly because they were such a large part of my life at the time and (for better or worse) dominated my life and conversation.

Now I’m 45 I feel very different - those contemporaries either have or don’t have children (by and large - but unlikely now) and I really value those that don’t have kids and - I can’t explain this very well - I worry less about them. I see people who have ten years of life experience on me - they post pictures of amazing travel experiences , or marathons run in far flung cities. They seem to have groups of friends that are as close as families in a way I don’t have - when you become a parent you make friends around that, but you also make your peace with the fact that if you want to meet up with a close friend you’ll both have to move heaven and earth to organise it. That’s ok with the sort of friends you know you’ll always have, but others can be transient. Being a parent can also close your mind and make you very judgemental and keen to associate with those with similar views to yours ( attachment parenting or ‘cry it out’ etc). You form a bubble. Being a parent can make you quite tribal and - your child being an extension of your image of self, make you quite selfish in your demands for their needs (witness parents shouting at football matches)

I also wanted to say that as an only child the adults that spent time with our family were often the childless ones, and as they get older I see that indeed their close friendships become as family. They have people to go on holiday with or share hobbies and interests with. They have time to be really great friends too.

Also I wanted to say that from an environmental point of view having children can be quite a selfish thing. Population is the top reason our planet is struggling

When I meet people my age now I don’t feel the need to know if they have kids in the same way I would have when I had babies.

I hope some of that makes sense coming from someone who does have kids.

mydogisthebest · 05/03/2019 11:54

I definitely think couples that have chosen to be childfree give the decision far more thought than couples who chose to have children.

All the childfree couples I know (and I know quite a few) say they talked about it a lot before they came to the decision. Lots of the couples with children admit they just "sort of had them". Some say they had them because "it's the thing to do" rather than saying they had them because they wanted them.

I also would rather regret not having a child (although I don't) than regret having one. Sadly quite a few of my friends say they regret having children although they do love them and if they could go back in time they would not have any.

Minttea2 · 05/03/2019 12:41

My husband and I are child free at the moment (mid-30s). We're struggling to come to a decision about kids but deep down I think we'll probably remain child free for all of the reasons already mentioned by other posters.

We have nieces and nephews who we adore, but I've never been sure that kids woukd be right for me, and whilst my husband is slightly more open to the idea, he's not broody by any means.

I do worry about what our lives will be like when we're in our 50s and older though, with no family of our own. We're both incredibly close to our parents and siblings and I do wonder if we will regret the decision later in life. I'd be interested to hear from older child free couples on this.

ScreamingValenta · 05/03/2019 12:48

Childfree by choice here

I wouldn't describe myself as wildly happy in life because I suffer depression, but I'd be a lot more anxious and unhappy if I had children to look after.

I have pets to care for and cherish, and they love me unconditionally (they don't get to their teens and decide they hate me because I won't buy them an iPhone!)

I have lots of freedom and 'me time' as when I'm not at work my time is completely my own. I only have my own financial future to worry about as well, which is good.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 05/03/2019 12:51

I'm not childfree, @MuseumofInnocence, but my sister is. She and her husband decided very early on, that they didn't want to have children, and dsis was sterilised when she was in her mid-20s - and as far as I know they are, and always have been happy with that decision.

When our dses were younger, I have to admit that there were occasions when I envied them their ability to just go on holiday whenever they wanted - because they weren't tied to term times, and had more disposable income because they both worked and didn't have the extra expense of children.

They have a very happy and fulfilled life, as far as I can tell (we live a long way away from them, and don't see them often, but my mum does live nearby, and there is never a hint of dsis being unhappy either from mum or from her).

TapasForTwo · 05/03/2019 12:59

“I think many people with children see the raising of children as one of the key purposes in their life.

Yes, and I roll my eyes when I hear this. Bleugh.”

I agree. I feel sorry for women who think that their sole purpose in life is to have children, and then are disappointed if it doesn’t happen for one reason or another.

We were child free for many years – due to infertility. Not being the least bit maternal meant that I wasn’t bothered either way about having children. I did finally get pregnant at 41, and it changed my life massively. It wasn’t better or worse, but different. I had a fulfilling life before DC, and have a different, but fulfilling life now.

All of my childfree friends are in long term (30+ years) happy marriages BTW.