Any child free by choice or happily child free posters around?

[MuseumofInnocence]

First of all, I'd like to issue a trigger warning for those who have gone through or are going through fertility treatment.

Me and my DH are going through fertility treatment (IVF/ICSI), it's been going on for a while, and we think it's unlikely to work out. We're coming to terms with the idea that children may not be part of our lives. Now, clearly by going down this path, we have thought that having children could be a positive thing, but on the other hand, we have our eyes open to the idea that life without children could be quite nice. We'd have more money, time, etc.

We're not looking to be child free necessarily by choice, but acquiescing to a child free life. We have friend and nephews and nieces, so we have people in our life.

Are there child free posters here who are either child free by choice, or semi-reluctantly child free? And are you happy? I'd love to hear how you coped, and how life is without children.

I never wanted children. I am not maternal in any way and find babies rather alarming. I worked from the age of 17 continually until I retired at 58. My oh and I travel, have a great time and do what we want when we want. I have siblings who have children and grandchildren. When I see how their lives are so often constrained by family duties (such as childcare for grandchildren) I am jolly glad it's not me. Don't get me wrong, they love looking after the children, but they are retired and are still having to juggle their time to fit everything in when they should be totally free. They spent years working, retire, and yet their time is still not their own.
Life doesn't have a 'purpose' op, you are born, you live, you die. Life is short, just enjoy it. Having children is also no guarantee you will have care or company in your old age. I have known quite a few people who couldn't get far enough away from their parents!

Minttea2, as I said above, me and DH are in our early 60's and we certainly don't regret our decision - never have.

All the childfree by choice couples we know are in their 50's and 60's (apart from 2 couples) and, as far as I know, do not regret their decision either. They certainly all seem to have very happy marriages and all first marriages that have lasted at least 25 years.

I have never wanted to have children. Never felt the urge and would never trust myself anyway due to psychological abuse in childhood.

I love kids, have been a very hands-on godmother and am happy to look after my friends' kids. I just also like being able to give them back.

I also like the freedom of lie-ins, morning sex, spontaneous outings, weekends away, lovely tranquil holidays and lots more.

We both have lots of contact with kids through sports coaching, so maybe we don't 'need' any more.

I actually think that it's quite sad that some people live for/through their kids, but maybe I'm jus selfish.

Thanks for all the interesting stories and uplifting stories.

I agree. I feel sorry for women who think that their sole purpose in life is to have children, and then are disappointed if it doesn’t happen for one reason or another

I agree. I feel sorry for women who think that their sole purpose in life is to have children, and then are disappointed if it doesn’t happen for one reason or another.

I just want to reply and say I think this is missing the nuance of what I wrote and what I wanted to think about. I think for those people who seek meaning or purpose in their lives (whatever that means), there can be multiple ways to achieve it, and it doesn't have to come through one thing. I think for those who have children (having witnessed it), bring up happy children who become happy adults can be purposeful. I think it would be sad also if those who have children that that their sole purpose was to have children, but my point and question was that it is more nuanced than that. People's lives can feel meaningful whether it is through the children they bring up, the children they teach, the neighbours they help, the projects they achieve, etc, etc. And they're not mutually exclusive. And as some of said, they may not feel the need for purpose altogether (although I think I do).

Thank you for your post MuseumofInnocence!

My OH and I are in a similar situation. We would love to conceive a child of our own but due to practicalities such as finances, age, failed IVF attempts and inability to be able to conceive naturally, we are now also needing to consider a child free relationship and life.

This is so hard as I have strong maternal instincts that I am finding it hard to shake/dismiss. But I do know that its life and we can't all have what we want - and I will have to try my best to move on to a different future.

I try to be positive as I've lots to be grateful for - health, OH, etc and I can see that the world and its resources and values are in a bit of a mess right now anyway, but for those who have wanted to be biological parents, I would also be interested to know/understand how they've moved on and if that 'desire' can easily ever go away? I obviously want to try to be as positive as possible as living a life of longing for something I can't have would just be so sad and destructive. I really don't want to be 'that' person!!

I do feel that there should be more support for those unable to come to terms with not being able to have children. Sadly, there will never be enough funding for that.

@TapasforTwo

I agree, but then I also think it has to somehow be a personal journey too maybe. I've tried private counselling but haven't found it to be amazing. But maybe that's just me and as I've struggled with other people not in the same situation to be able to identify/fully understand. Or maybe it could be that I've found it difficult being in a session with a cousellor where they are a parent themselves (completely normal of course!). And I do also appreciate that parenting doesn't come without its immense challenges either - worry, frustration, upset, sacrifices, etc etc.

Forums like this really help and I'm hoping so will time and finding other meaning eventually

Some of our child free (by choice) friends are currently off skiing for three weeks. There will be lots of hot tubs, sex and champagne. I'm currently doing my pelvic floor exercises whilst reading MN and avoiding cleaning the peanut butter off the floor from my toddler launching his toast at lunch time. There are definitely benefits! But I can imagine you're also facing some heartache too, so I'm very sorry for that x

I never wanted to have kids, luckily nor did my husband. We have fab nephews and godsons who are inredibly important to us but don’t miss having kids.

As for purpose, we both have jobs which we love so we are fortunate to find work fulfilling. Also love where we live and we enjoy the same activities so little time for being bored.

If we had had kids they would have been of the age to be independent now anyway and most of our friends’ kids are grown up so it’s not as if we are the only ones without ankle-biters running around any more!