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Original poster

Would you leave the kids with grandparents in these circumstances?

51 replies

feesh · 03/03/2019 12:22

I’m an expat living a long way away. I’m scheduled to have major surgery in early December and it will have to be in Paris. I will need my husband with me for support because it’s pretty rough surgery and the recovery is very challenging.

It will be 5 days in hospital and then I will need to spend another 5-7 days in Paris so my surgeon can keep an eye on me and so that I’ll be safe to go to England on the Eurostar (where I will stay with family). I’ll be very dependent on support, both physically and emotionally for the first 2 weeks after surgery. I won’t be allowrd to fly home until after NYE.

The question is, what shall I do with the 3 kids? Their ages will be 7, 7 and 2.5

Should they come to Paris with us, which will make it harder for my husband to be there for me and they might be a bit traumatised if they see me? Also it will be quite expensive to find somewhere for all of us to stay.

The other option is to leave them either wholly with one set of grandparents or split them up between the grandparents. My in-laws would be preferable, as they are more patient than my Mum and have a bigger house, although we only see them twice a year whereas we see my Mum about 6 times a year.

I need to book the accommodation and transport soon so it’s not too expensive, so I need to work out what to do.

I was planning on leaving them in England with the GPs, but now I’ve read the child-free wedding thread I’m not so sure it would be fair to leave the youngest for that long. They are very draining, being three of them, which is bad for me (recovering from surgery) but also a lot to ask of the grandparents! Also I don’t think any of the GPs have big enough cars to lug them around (although we could rent them one).

What would you do?

OP posts:

Original poster

feesh · 03/03/2019 12:24

Oh and I’ve just realised that it will be the twins’ birthday during the recovery period too. Nightmare.

OP posts:

Original poster

feesh · 03/03/2019 12:25

Sorry, I mean they will be 6 turning 7 (not 7 turning 8). In case that influences things.

OP posts:

Leyani · 03/03/2019 12:34

Is there a way to get a big place, say on Airbnb, in Paris and have DH and a set of grandparents there? Leaving kids that age with people they don’t really know well can be quite difficult for them, but as you say you also need your DH to be available for you. So I thought it might be best if grandparents can be in Paris too to help look after kids and do fun things/parks/playgrounds and sort cooking, bathtime etc, but you and your DH are at least around so they’ve got that stability.

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cocomelon23 · 03/03/2019 12:43

I'm not sure they know either set of grandparents well enough to be left with them for that period of time. Can you start building up their relationships with them now so by December they will know each other better? How old are all the grandparents? Are they young enough to do this? Your 2 year old will be draining for older people. Can you hire a nanny to bring with you to Paris?

ChariotsofFish · 03/03/2019 12:48

I think, assuming you can afford it, rent a big place in Paris and have the kids there with you. Then pay for both additional nursing support for you and a temporary nanny for the children I’d stay there until you’re well enough to return home as well, don’t push yourself to travel to the UK.

RandomMess · 03/03/2019 12:49

Leave DH with the DC and ask a family member to be with you?

PiebaldHamster · 03/03/2019 12:50

I wouldn't hesitate to leave them with the grandparents. I don't understand British reluctance to do this.

RandomMess · 03/03/2019 12:53

@PiebaldHamster it just depends on the relationship between DC and grandparents to the 2.5 year old the ILs are pretty much strangers!

catchingzzzeds · 03/03/2019 12:56

I would want DH with the children and ask a family member to be with me, probably my sister.

gloo77 · 03/03/2019 12:57

I think I'd leave the kids where they know best, so at home, with your DH. Surely the twins will be at school, so that kind of normal structure will help them to not miss you as much. Ask someone else to be with you in Paris. Your mother maybe? She'd probably prefer that to having the 3 kids!

needthisthread · 03/03/2019 13:04

Leave DH with the kids.

NuffSaidSam · 03/03/2019 13:04

I think the ideal solution would be to leave DH with the DC and ask another family member to be with you.

If that isn't possible then leave the DC with the grandparents.

Would it be possible for you to be by yourself while you're in the hospital and then DH come over when you're discharged to reduce the time the DC are with the grandparents?

Do the two sets of grandparents live close enough that they could share the care a bit? So maybe if they stay with PIL, but your mum comes and takes them out for the odd day to give PIL a rest.

Or hire a nanny for a few days to help out. I wouldn't leave the DC with one set of grandparents, with no help for the whole time, it's too much to ask of the grandparents.

NerrSnerr · 03/03/2019 13:05

I agree with pp, in this situation I'd prefer my husband to look after the children and I'd do the surgery alone or get someone to support me.

TSSDNCOP · 03/03/2019 13:11

Leave them with the GP's - it'll be an adventure. Children do not forget their parents in 2.5 weeks. I can absolutely assure you from my own experience they never forget a parent in pain and the look on their other parents face.

missnevermind · 03/03/2019 13:15

I would have them stay at grandparents, but could you bring a friend to act as childminder and they and DH could ‘swap off’ at intervals so the children are at least with one of you at times. Or hire a childminder babysitter while they were with grandparents.

Original poster

feesh · 03/03/2019 13:18

Thanks for all the responses, lots to think about.

I absolutely need DH with me though (and not another family member - I only have my Mum and Dad and I barely speak to my Dad, and my Mum I would maybe consider, but she walked out on me when I was in recovery from my last operation because I was having a major meltdown; I had overheard the recovery ward nurses discussing how my operation had gone wrong and I went into a total tailspin - I was high on morphine as well, and the worst possible thing that could have gone wrong with the op had happened). She freaked out and left the hospital and I’ve never really forgiven her for that).

I won’t be able to feed myself or communicate with the nurses so I really would want DH there if possible,

With regards to the GPs, yes we do only see them twice a year, but both times it’s for extended periods (4-6 weeks) so they’re not total strangers,

It would be the ideal for them to have the kids, but it might be kinder to the GPs to separate the kids and have my sister in law or Mum look after the little one and perhaps just leave the twins with the in-laws. But I’m not sure if this would be extra hard on the kids.

I will look into accommodating all of us in Paris. The only thing which worries me about that is that if I am around, the kids will (a) want me and (b) possibly be quite traumatised by my appearance and physical state.

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Original poster

feesh · 03/03/2019 13:21

Oh and no, the GPs live a couple of hours apart, and my in-laws won’t drive on motorways. They do, however, live close to my sister in law and I think she’d love to have one or more of them (maybe not all 3 though).

OP posts:

RandomMess · 03/03/2019 13:22

It's tough because the little one would probably benefit from being with the older ones for reassurance from familiarity?

Original poster

feesh · 03/03/2019 13:26

Yeah they probably would. I think I’m going to have to get a big Air BnB place in Paris. I was kind of hoping for a quiet, peaceful recovery period though. But needs must.

(Oh and to the poster who said the twins will be in school, we are taking them out of school for the final week of term - we have a long Xmas holiday. So they won’t be missing much).

OP posts:

TwllBach · 03/03/2019 13:27

It sounds like a difficult situation, but I wouldn't separate the 2.5 year old from their siblings if I could help it. DS is 2.5 and he would find being separated from me for that length of time quite hard I think, even more so if he was used to having brothers and sisters around and then not having them either.

You have to do what you have to do - I'm assuming the surgery is to keep/make you healthy and well to carry on being their mummy so a few weeks isn't too much to ask, is it? Obviously it isn't ideal if you wouldn't normally leave them, but it sounds important. I think the seven year olds would be able to deal with it better if you explained properly what was going on, in an age appropriate way obviously, and then perhaps you can start prepping the 2.5 year old in some way in the run up. I've told DS from an early age that mummy always comes back and he does sort of understand that now. Maybe you could say things like that?

SparklingTwilight · 03/03/2019 13:30

Would the elder two agree to be split? T1 with IL's, T2 with GP's. Younger days 1-4 with IL's, then week with GP's, then back to IL's.
Youngest always with a sibling, grandparents never have more than 2 DC to wrangle and eldest get 1:1 time with each set of GP's.

SparklingTwilight · 03/03/2019 13:32

Sorry, meant after a week the twins swap grandparents. So for second week T1 goes to GP's and T2 to IL's.

TwiceAsNice22 · 03/03/2019 13:35

I would leave all 3 children with your in laws and see if your SIL can help and give them a break from time to time. It sounds like you trust your in laws and don’t have worries about how they will look after your children.

I think it would be worse having the kids with you when your husband will need to help you fulltime. You could start preparing the kids and for an adventure with their grandparents. And maybe plan some special surprises for while they are there (craft boxes, games etc)

I’m sure it’s worrying you a great deal, but it might be a lot of fun for the kids. Good luck with your surgery, I hope it goes well.

Original poster

feesh · 03/03/2019 13:39

Yes it’s the littlest I need to think of the most I think. Some good ideas, thank you.

I think I need to Skype the GPs and come up with some sort of plan that they’re all happy with and which doesn’t involve the littl’un being separated. I suppose I could get them a separate apartment to DH and I which is nearby, but will give me some peace. I just hope they’re all up for a Paris holiday!

OP posts:

NuffSaidSam · 03/03/2019 14:32

I think you can leave them with the GP's in England. It sounds like it will be more traumatic for everyone for you all to be in Paris.

PIL and SIL sound like they can cope between them for 10-12 days. Get a nanny/babysitter to help out if needed to give them a rest.

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