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Original poster

Would you leave the kids with grandparents in these circumstances?

51 replies

feesh · 03/03/2019 12:22

I’m an expat living a long way away. I’m scheduled to have major surgery in early December and it will have to be in Paris. I will need my husband with me for support because it’s pretty rough surgery and the recovery is very challenging.

It will be 5 days in hospital and then I will need to spend another 5-7 days in Paris so my surgeon can keep an eye on me and so that I’ll be safe to go to England on the Eurostar (where I will stay with family). I’ll be very dependent on support, both physically and emotionally for the first 2 weeks after surgery. I won’t be allowrd to fly home until after NYE.

The question is, what shall I do with the 3 kids? Their ages will be 7, 7 and 2.5

Should they come to Paris with us, which will make it harder for my husband to be there for me and they might be a bit traumatised if they see me? Also it will be quite expensive to find somewhere for all of us to stay.

The other option is to leave them either wholly with one set of grandparents or split them up between the grandparents. My in-laws would be preferable, as they are more patient than my Mum and have a bigger house, although we only see them twice a year whereas we see my Mum about 6 times a year.

I need to book the accommodation and transport soon so it’s not too expensive, so I need to work out what to do.

I was planning on leaving them in England with the GPs, but now I’ve read the child-free wedding thread I’m not so sure it would be fair to leave the youngest for that long. They are very draining, being three of them, which is bad for me (recovering from surgery) but also a lot to ask of the grandparents! Also I don’t think any of the GPs have big enough cars to lug them around (although we could rent them one).

What would you do?

OP posts:
mycatisawesome · 03/03/2019 14:39

When I was about 7 my mum was hospitalised and my dad had to keep working . I was sent to his my aunt and cousins who I used to see in the holidays . Although it was the only thing to do at the time I hated it ..I would rather have been with my mum even if she had looked awful as that could have been explained to me and I could have seen she was ok.. this is nearly 50 years ago we are talking about . Even after all these years I remember how I felt. I would do what people suggest and take children and grandparents with you

NuffSaidSam · 03/03/2019 14:43

Surely now as an adult you can understand that your mum was poorly and needed rest/recuperation and not an upset 7 year old to look after? You might have preferred to stay, but sometimes the parents needs have to come first!

BlueSkiesLies · 03/03/2019 14:46

Husband stays with the kids, you pay for a carer?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
SavageBeauty73 · 03/03/2019 14:52

What a nightmare. Have you a close friend your youngest is more comfortable with?

Haffdonga · 03/03/2019 14:55

I think you answered your own question.

The in-laws would be preferable.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 03/03/2019 14:58

Although it was the only thing to do at the time I hated it ..I would rather have been with my mum even if she had looked awful as that could have been explained to me and I could have seen she was ok.. this is nearly 50 years ago we are talking about .

I'm the opposite - I always saw my mum ill, she wouldn't hear of her youngest being away from her, and it was needlessly scary and traumatising. I have more memories of those times when she was so ill, couldn't do anything, didn't talk to me, than any other period in my childhood. I'd have preferred to be left somewhere familiar and just get to talk to her when she could so I knew she was alright - and these days you've got FaceTime and the like, so your husband can show your kids that you're okay and just sleeping or whatever.

There's no right answer here. Do what makes life easier for you. If their grandparents are happy to help, that's worth exploring.

Byebyefriend · 03/03/2019 14:58

Would gp have a working holiday in Paris? There to look after the children but children would still see you and dh. Only would work if they'll actually do it and not just let you and dh do everything.

Or is there friends they can stay with at home? Maybe the twins and take the little one with you?

Ploppymoodypants · 03/03/2019 15:48

Why don’t you all go to Paris, rent an air B&B and hire a nanny / au pair to live in and help DH with kids, housework etc. I appreciate that will be expensive

WombatStewForTea · 03/03/2019 15:52

What is the operation for? Is it cosmetic?
Where do you currently live? Wondering why Paris is the location of the wedding

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 03/03/2019 16:00

Have you actually asked the GPS whether they're willing?

Depending of course on their age/fitness it could be a very big ask.

Asking 50 year olds is one thing - it could be quite another at 70. Particularly as regards the 2 year old.

As for whoever mentioned not understanding 'British reluctance' to ask GPs, please don't make such stupid, sweeping generalisations.

Original poster
feesh · 03/03/2019 16:13

No it’s not cosmetic. It’s in Paris because the surgeon does clinics over here where we live, but he does any necessary surgery back in Paris where he has his team. It’s maxillofacial surgery to try and save my teeth, but not cosmetic, and he’s one of the best in the world and I trust him completely.

I won’t be able to eat solid food for 6 weeks after, so Christmas will be fun!

I have discussed it with the GPs in a vague way and they have all said yes. But now we have an actual date and it’s got real, I need to talk to them again, properly.

OP posts:
Original poster
feesh · 03/03/2019 16:15

Oh and they’re all in their 70s. My Mum is fit as a fiddle, goes skiing every year etc etc. In-laws are a bit more ‘retired’ but have a massive family and are great with kids. Although a 10 day stint looking after 3 of them is a much bigger deal, of course.

OP posts:
itbemay1 · 03/03/2019 16:15

Honestly in this situation I would suck it up and do the surgery alone, why uproot the DCs and put on GPs and have the worry yourself on top of the surgery. I know you want DH with you but in this instance I'd not want the added stress.

katykins85 · 03/03/2019 16:18

Yes I'm sorry but if this was me (and it has been ) I'd suck it up and go alone and leave the children with your DH. They need him far more than you do. Sorry.

Stompythedinosaur · 03/03/2019 16:18

It sounds very difficult, but I would still leave your dh with the dc and manage with other support. Are you in a position to pay for a carer for yourself for extra support?

Original poster
feesh · 03/03/2019 16:18

I’ll look into the nanny/au pair thing. Good idea, thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
feesh · 03/03/2019 16:20

Oh, with regards to uprooting the DCs - they are actually coming with us to the UK anyway, at the very end of November, for my graduation. We were going to stay in England for Christmas anyway after that. So there isn’t any extra disruption apart from me having to take a couple of weeks’ detour to Paris and then being very weak and useless for the rest of the holiday.

OP posts:
TokyoSushi · 03/03/2019 16:25

What about the DC school? Where do you actually live? Will they be 'away' the whole time?

Etino · 03/03/2019 16:26

Christmas New Year and twins birthday? Are you sure it’s the only time you can get the surgery?

anniehm · 03/03/2019 16:35

During the time you are in hospital your dh can watch the kids, you might appreciate them visiting as a distraction - rent an apartment perhaps? Could someone join you for the post hospital days in Paris perhaps. As much as anyone wants the support of their spouse, the kids needs trump yours now - shouldn't the kids be in school?

EspressoX10 · 03/03/2019 16:36

I'm guessing OP is in Australia or similar re. kids' school.

I'd suck it up and leave the children with DH. Needs must.

greenlynx · 03/03/2019 16:37

Sorry if I missed it, but do your children live in UK? Or they just visit grandparents occasionally?

anniehm · 03/03/2019 16:39

Ps, just saw the eating situation - look at Wiltshire farm food - they produce specialty meals for people in that situation, mum used them for 6 weeks when she had surgery.

mrsm43s · 03/03/2019 16:42

I think your DC need your DH much more than you do. There will be nurses/ carers at the hospital to look after your needs.

hedgehoglurker · 03/03/2019 16:52

Definitely with IL if they are willing. Concentrate on your recovery, the children will be fine and should ideally stay together.