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Original poster

Does your DH ever leave the house without telling you he's going out?

101 replies

SeizeASalad · 02/03/2019 20:57

Is this normal? DH just leaves the house. He doesn't tell me he's going or anything and most of the time I hear the front door close and other times I've wondered where he is and looked in all the rooms in the house before I realise he's left.

He usually ignores my texts or sometimes doesn't even take his phone. This really annoys me but he thinks im.being controlling for him to tell me that's he's leaving the house and where he's going.

I disagree with him. I wouldn't refuse or anything but I think it's disrespectful of him to just leave. Im sure he wouldn't like it if I did the same.

OP posts:
Original poster
SeizeASalad · 03/03/2019 00:27

Well it turned out he was at his brothers house. He eventually texted to let me know. He returned at 11- didn't tell me when he'd be coming.

Thx for everyone for reassurance that this is shitty behaviour. I have never just left the house. I always tell him im going out. But I definitely do feel like giving him a taste of his own medicine! Im going to talk to him about this tomorrow.

OP posts:
Tigger001 · 03/03/2019 00:28

@Nothingunpleasant oh sorry I thought you meant couldn't be trusted with the baby, you just mean trusted in general sorry I thought I'd missed something

pallisers · 03/03/2019 00:38

Don't talk to him about it. Get up tomorrow. Get dressed and go out and have a coffee for a few hours. Don't answer texts. When you come back if he throws a hissy say "what on earth are you on. This is what we do - right?"

He will never care unless he feels what you feel. I hope he is otherwise a stand-up guy because he sounds like a selfish shit to me - sorry OP.

JenniferJareau · 03/03/2019 00:45

Heck no. Not normal at all.

Graphista · 03/03/2019 01:40

"When he gets home wait until he is with the baby (tomorrow) and leave without telling him. Don't answer your texts or calls. Stroll back in 6 hours later and when he asks you where the fuck you were, say "what on earth is your problem? you do this all the time. I thought this was how we rolled in this family"

He is saying

  1. you are the default parent
  2. He can do what he wants without any reference to you or the needs of your children because he has a woman who does that work for him - that is you.

Walk out tomorrow without telling him and see how he likes them apples."

Yep! That's absolutely what I would do. Only problem I can foresee is him possibly thinking op still in house, him leaving too and baby left alone. So...slam the door!

Georgie wtf? It sounds like op was doing some light chores, baby was awake so easier to entertain them at same time... Even if not him going off in a sulk because she left him alone for AN HOUR is acceptable?! On what planet? What if she were having a long bath or watching a film upstairs while he was watching something else downstairs?! Are you seriously ALWAYS with your dp/dh when home? How claustrophobic! Don't be so ridiculous!

Justasking111 you do realise your OH is saying it's ok for him to do what he likes but NOT you? Sod that!

I agree op that it's totally out of order behaviour. Good luck with sorting it.

Seahorseshoe · 03/03/2019 01:48

No he doesn't. It's rude. Even if you're shouting "going out to x, see you later" as you leave is better than just going out without a word.

HerSymphonyAndSong · 03/03/2019 01:54

H and I have always told each other where we are going (and seek the other out to say goodbye), even before children, in the same way that we let the other know if we are going to be late home from work. I get that other people don’t do that and it works for them. But once you have children or other responsibilities eg pets to feed and walk then it is not really acceptable not to let each other know that you are not going to be there for a bit. Because the responsibility should be shared and not just taking the other person for granted

Mog6840 · 03/03/2019 06:45

My husband has done this a couple of times.

It really annoys me and I told him as such and he apologised and agreed not to do it again.

Reason being, like others have said. It implies I am the only one responsible for looking after our DC.
If I were to do the same, thinking he was at home looking after the child, we could potentially leave our child alone without realising.

I would never do it! So know fear of that! But it's not fair to have these double standards!

Have a chat with him

Bluntness100 · 03/03/2019 07:01

No, of course it's not normal,and I'm fairly sure he knows it, so it's a passive Aggressive fuck you. And a way for him to demonstrate he can do as he pleases, when he pleases and owes you and the kids nothing.

It could also be attention seeking, you'd been upstairs with the baby, he felt he wasn't getting enough attention, so fucked off out of it.

Whatever is causing it, it's nothing good.

Jamhandprints · 03/03/2019 07:02

Yes my OH does this too. Its annoying. I've asked him what he'd do if I did it but he says he wouldn't care. ,.

Teaandcrisps · 03/03/2019 07:08

Definitely agree with the consensus - it's rude, inconsiderate and passive aggressive. He needs to grow up.

Juanbablo · 03/03/2019 07:16

No, dh would tell me where he was going and I would tell him if I was going out.

tattooq · 03/03/2019 07:21

My 'D'P started doing this once we had DD, along with a load of other subtly abusive behaviours that built up over time. After 2.5 years the blinkers have come off and I'm leaving him once my new house is sorted at the end of the month. I don't think men this selfish can change, and for me now the resentment of being trapped in the house by his selfishness has killed any remaining love. He would occasionally offer to go and get milk if I said I was going to run to the corner shop as we'd run out 'to save me the trouble', and then he would be gone 4 hours, taking the keys and the card so I couldn't even go to the park with DD. And of course he has massive double standards, I can't be out of the house on my own for an hour before he is calling asking when I'll be back, even when I've just gone to get something for dinner or whatever and have had to walk to a further away shop. Plus once the sex dried up due to the resentment on my part, he is out of the house even more often. I'd set yourself a date for him showing some signs of change, and leave him if it doesn't improve, don't let yourself and your DC be treated this way for years, I wish I hadn't wasted so much of my life trying to make it work with an utter bellend.

ArmchairTraveller · 03/03/2019 07:37

No, no one in our house does that. TBH, I used to, but OH got me into the habit before we got married.

anniehm · 03/03/2019 08:01

Occasionally but only to b&q or Asda type places or to buy petrol for lawnmower sort of situations. Oh and to walk dog but it's obvious what he's doing as mutt is also missing - I'm not his keeper! If I'm right there he'll tell me but doesn't bother yelling upstairs or down garden as he will be back before I notice half the time.

timeisnotaline · 03/03/2019 09:59

Don’t talk to him. You’ve tried that. Just go.

HerSymphonyAndSong · 03/03/2019 10:16

I don’t see it as either of us being the other’s keeper. It’s more just informing the other in the same way that one of us would seek the other out if we had decided to have some lunch to see if the other wanted some too. I might say “I’m popping into town, do you need anything whilst I’m there?”. If he is asleep then sometimes I send a text instead of leaving a note so he will see that. Obviously in the context of a controlling relationship then things are different, but letting the people you live with know more or less where you are and what sort of time you might be home is a really normal thing to do in itself

Happynow001 · 03/03/2019 10:19

Pallisers: "When he gets home wait until he is with the baby (tomorrow) and leave without telling him. Don't answer your texts or calls. Stroll back in 6 hours later and when he asks you where the fuck you were, say "what on earth is your problem? you do this all the time. I thought this was how we rolled in this family"

^^ This!! Just make sure the baby is safe in a cot or similar just in front of the door so he can't avoid seeing him/her before you leave in case he also walks out.

I agree it's Totally rude and disrespectful behaviour.

Gwenhwyfar · 03/03/2019 10:35

"I did find his way odd at first but then realised his whole family don't announce departures or arrivals."

Yes. I was brought up like this as well. Led to problems sometimes when staying with other people.

Squickety · 03/03/2019 10:45

Never. That said, he did do it one day this week but only because the poor bugger had tried to ask me several times what I wanted for lunch but I kept getting work calls so he made an executive decision and went to the chip shop. He knows I can check where he is if I want to though as we have the app on our phones.

We don't have DC to worry about but surely it's common courtesy just to let the other person know you're going out for an hour, even if you don't specifically say where. And the not answering his phone to you thing is just plain odd/rude!

Mamia15 · 03/03/2019 23:12

Jamjar - why are you with him if he doesn't care?

averystrangeweek · 03/03/2019 23:23

It is rather bad manners, isn't it?

Smotheroffive · 03/03/2019 23:24

Please don't do the exact same thing to him though.

Just know him for who he is, and make your own decisions based on that.

ineedaholidaynow · 03/03/2019 23:34

No my DH doesn't do this. We would always let each other know if we were going out. What would happen if OP had plans to go out and DH had just disappeared?

SquigglySquaw · 03/03/2019 23:59

I'm on maternity leave and my DP is upstairs working. I always tell him when we're going out otherwise he'd wonder where we are. He pops down to say hi sometimes so he'd panic if we were gone without saying anything.

Very bizarre behaviour from your DP.

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