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Original poster

Does your DH ever leave the house without telling you he's going out?

101 replies

SeizeASalad · 02/03/2019 20:57

Is this normal? DH just leaves the house. He doesn't tell me he's going or anything and most of the time I hear the front door close and other times I've wondered where he is and looked in all the rooms in the house before I realise he's left.

He usually ignores my texts or sometimes doesn't even take his phone. This really annoys me but he thinks im.being controlling for him to tell me that's he's leaving the house and where he's going.

I disagree with him. I wouldn't refuse or anything but I think it's disrespectful of him to just leave. Im sure he wouldn't like it if I did the same.

OP posts:
pallisers · 02/03/2019 21:16

When he gets home wait until he is with the baby (tomorrow) and leave without telling him. Don't answer your texts or calls. Stroll back in 6 hours later and when he asks you where the fuck you were, say "what on earth is your problem? you do this all the time. I thought this was how we rolled in this family"

He is saying

  1. you are the default parent
  2. He can do what he wants without any reference to you or the needs of your children because he has a woman who does that work for him - that is you.

Walk out tomorrow without telling him and see how he likes them apples.

BruceAndNosh · 02/03/2019 21:16

So what happens if both parents think it's ok just to go out without checking or informing the other?
He doesn't tell you he's going put but how does know that you didn't go out yourself 10 minutes earlier?
So baby is left alone...

pallisers · 02/03/2019 21:17

it's rude to be upstairs with your baby??? huh?

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 02/03/2019 21:20

Well why not play with the baby downstairs and include your partner? I just can’t see a situation where I would go upstairs for an hour and ignore my DH. Maybe that’s why he’s gone out?

MintedLamb · 02/03/2019 21:22

Completely bizarre. Imagine if you both just buggered off without telling the other? Kids could be left alone. Obviously because you're a decent human you would always say you were leaving so that wouldn't happen.

CaseofEllen · 02/03/2019 21:22

No, it's odd behaviour. Surely it's just polite to let your SO know if you're going out Hmm

Gruzinkerbell1 · 02/03/2019 21:25

At best it's odd...I think it's downright rude and selfish.

ShintyStickHitsShins · 02/03/2019 21:29

No, but my previous H did it regularly and he was an abusive twat. Looking back, it was a way of controlling me (like you, I had a baby so couldn't then go anywhere until he deigned to reappear).

AcrossthePond55 · 02/03/2019 21:32

Normally, he tells me where he's going unless I'm asleep (he's an early riser). He used to leave a note, but with mobiles now I just call him if I wake up and he's not there.

He may go out on the property without telling me to do some work, but I can usually hear him if he does. If I can't hear him, I have a big 'farm bell' I can ring and he usually hollers and says where he is.

I think it's rude and inconsiderate to just disappear. It only takes a couple of seconds to holler 'I'm going to the shoppes' or leave a note on the table.

PrestonsFlowers · 02/03/2019 21:32

No my husband would not leave the house without telling me.
I do think your DH is being quite rude and just assumed you are the default caregiver for the children.
odd and rude in itself to be upstairs playing with the baby
There's always one poster who has to get a dig in at the op

JayneyMc4 · 02/03/2019 21:33

pallisers
Completely agree, hand him the baby, walk out and switch phone off for a few hours. He needs a wake up call to his selfish ignorant behaviour.

TheBigFatMermaid · 02/03/2019 21:34

RUDE! DP used to do this when he first moved in here. I told him it was rude and that even as adults we needed to let each other know when we left the house.

More recently, he has not liked it if I have been out when he comes home from work and he hasn't expected it. I respect that, as he has respected me wanting him to tell me if he is popping to a neighbours.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/03/2019 21:34

I agree with Shinty, it's a form of asserting control or dominance. A way to say 'You don't mean enough to me to be concerned that you may worry'.

Nothingunpleasant · 02/03/2019 21:41

The only time my DH has ever done this is when he knows he has to be up and out at silly o clock and tells me the night before he won’t wake me.

Of course he crashes about and I hear him go anyway 🙄.

I think it’s odd OP. What if thee was n emergency and you didn’t know he hadn’t got out of the house it thought he wasn’t inside when he was? Apart from that, just the calling for him when he’s miles away is annoying. He might go out and back and you need nappies or milk and he could have got them.

It’s rude!

LuluJakey1 · 02/03/2019 21:43

Never, neither of us do.
I am a SAHM and obviously don't tell him what I am about to do during the day. I don't ring him at work to say 'I am just going down to the village' and same goes for him, but if we are at home, we tell each other where we are going.
It's strange to just disappear I think.

Yabbers · 02/03/2019 21:46

Absolutely not. It’s really bad manners. And for him to say you are controlling is ridiculous. Unless there is some back story about you wanting to know where he is all the time in a stalker type manner the you are definitely not being unreasonable.

I just can’t see a situation where I would go upstairs for an hour and ignore my DH. Maybe that’s why he’s gone out? I’m often not in the same room as OH for long periods of time. If I’m tidying up or cleaning or even just fancy doing something other than watching telly. Strange you feel the need to be with your OH all the time.

EhlanaOfElenia · 02/03/2019 21:50

I wouldn't be there when he got back, and I wouldn't be answering my phone either.

ALargeGinPlease · 02/03/2019 21:53

My DH does this too and I think it's breath-takingly rude. I would never have dreamt of doing it and it smacks of a complete disregard of me having any plans of my own. So, for example, I may have been waiting for DH to come home to take over the child care, so I could take the dogs out, then find out he's come in and gone out again, without a word as to where he's gone, or how long he may be gone for. We had no mobile signal in our area at the time and it used to drive me mad.
Now the dc are older, it doesn't bother me so much as I can come and go a bit. I have also taken to doing it to him, and I don't think he likes it very much Grin. Thinking about it, since I've done it to him, he doesn't do it so much now.
I think when the children were small, he just didn't consider they were his responsibility at all, I EBF and they were very much attached to me, but even so, I still remember the rage I felt, knowing he could swan off without a word leaving me holding the baby (quite literally).

oldowlgirl · 02/03/2019 21:56

No, that's really rude & disrespectful to you Op.

ShadyLady53 · 02/03/2019 21:57

My Dad has done this to my Mum and I for as long as I can remember. It hurts. He doesn’t see that he’s doing anything wrong. To me it’s normal but I think other posters are probably right that it’s not.

ohtheholidays · 02/03/2019 22:03

No he doesn't.

The only time he leaves the house without telling me is if I'm asleep(I'm really ill)he'll leave me a note to let me know where he's gone and he'll tell me I'm not to do anything whilst he's gone and that he loves me.

He never has his mobile of neither,neither of us do because we have 5DC so they're always on incase the schools or college needs us or one of our older DC need us.

Your not being controlling but I do think your husband is being a Knob!

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 02/03/2019 22:03

Strange you feel the need to be with your OH all the time. Grin yeah I didn’t say that either, but op is the one wondering why her dp has buggered off out.

RunSweatLaughAndLatte · 02/03/2019 22:31

No that's weird! Sometimes if DP is still asleep when I have to leave for work I just head off without waking him but i text to say he was sleeping and I didn't want to wake him

Youmadorwhat · 02/03/2019 22:32

No never, 🤔

1Redacted1 · 02/03/2019 22:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.