Irish in Ireland AMA

[SrSteveOskowski]

Following on from a Dane in Denmark, I'm Irish, living in Ireland AMA

@Deadringer - just seeing you post from Monday and I thought the new answer for "Do you live near the Queen?" was "No, Panti Bliss doesn't live near me. Why?"

smurfy the unpleasant elderly sacristan used to stand in the church porch standing guard over the mass leaflets/bulletins, so you couldn't nip and get one to substantiate having been at twelve mass when you got the parental 'Who said mass? question. It was rumoured that the same sacristan wanted to remove/block the panes of glass in the doors that divided the porch from the nave, so that skivers and chancers couldn't glance in to check which priest was saying mass without actually attending.

He clearly entirely disapproved of anyone who was so lazy they didn't roll out of bed to even make the half past ten mass, anyway, and I think he always thought the vigil mass on Saturday night was cheating. I think he'd have died in a fit (if he hadn't already been dead) when the parish moved the 7.30 Saturday evening mass to 6 pm, to get the 'on their way home from the shops in town' crowd, and not to interfere with a night out.

I have a Hairy Baby 'WHO SAID MASS?' tshirt that I sometimes wear out running, but it is not entirely possible to fully explain the significance of this statement to non-Irish friends.

@BeGoodTanya My aunt was the sacristan so I got many bulletins some on the Saturday evenings to have ready for Sunday morning double bill 8am and 10am if wanted to stay outside and chat with friends who also got bulletins, she would tell us who was on the rota for mass

Yes the cure, I was given the cure of the sprain many times by one of our neighbours, R.I.C.E also helped but the cure did the trick

Whosafraid, but they might have asked what film he'd borrowed, and that would have been way too much information.

And there was some general wise man/bonesetter type with the cure who lived near a friend of mine in rural Carlow in the 90s -- you'd see a queue outside on the path that would include unwell humans, lame horses, sick cats or dogs.

Love this thread SrSteve

Thanks @beanaseireann, I'm shocked that's it's still going to be honest!
Delighted with all the replies

I’m having a great giggle at this thread as lived in the U.K. for five years and lived in Ireland for just over four years. I love the Irish respect for funerals. My colleagues stalk RIP as soon as it’s mentioned a colleague has lost a family member is mentioned

@billywigsting @srsteveoskowski Irish cows don’t eat as much grass as you’d expect; Ireland imports 3t of feed for cows each year, which is the same amount of imported feed as NZ. NZ produces 21.0 billion litres of milk annually, Ireland just 7,268 million litres of milk annually.

(You’ll never guess what I did my dissertation on )

He is also of the hide the video tape in your jacket coming out of xtravision in case.

I got a lifetime ban from an Xtravision store for returning a video.

It wasn't mine mind you, a mate of mine asked me to return it for him as "It's a bit overdue."

So, I took the video and went into the store, dropped it on the counter all casual like and made to leave.

The manager swooped on the video and shouted at me "THIS IS NEARLY A MONTH OVERDUE! PAY THE FINE".

I shrugged, said "It's not mine and I'm not a member" and kept walking, He followed myself and my mate up the street shouting "YOU'RE BARRED!". I informed him that, as I didn't own a video player (true), it wasn't much of a threat. He just kept shouting "YOU'RE BARRED!" while brandishing the video like it was The Bible and he was banishing demons.

Oh, and I'm also serving a lifetime ban from The Legion of Mary.

Re the grass Irish cows eat - the cows basically go indoors in autumn and don't emerge till Easter. I haven't seen a cow in months! There's sheep and horses everywhere but the cows are all indoors in their lovely central heating. The minute the fields start flooding, in they go. The sheep clearly don't give a shit about soggy ankles.

So basically Irish cows eat silage several months out of the year. So farmers have to be really obsessive about their grass quality as they have to make tonnes and tonnes of silage out of it and poor quality silage = poor quality cows.

God I'm such a Culchie......

How did you manage to achieve a lifetime ban from the Legion of Mary?
😇

Oh, and I'm also serving a lifetime ban from The Legion of Mary
The Legion of Mary turned up at the door with miraculous medals years ago when we had just moved in and DS1 was a toddler to invite me to their meetings or whatever they do! They asked is it just the two of you living here and I said my husband lives here too and she pointedly looked at my left hand. I wasn't wearing my wedding ring

Between this and the thread about traybakes I don't think I've laughed (nicely) so much in a weekend for - well - a very long time. One day, when I finally get round to writing "The Irish Mammy", the future best-selling novel based loosely on relatives and ancestors, these kinds of anecdotes will definitely flesh it out!

@ElspethFlashman, I'd say I could challenge you for that title! Grew up on a farm and have lived in city suburbs for almost twenty years now but the culchie accent has never left.
If someone asks me where I'm from and I say "Suburb", without fail the next question is always "No, where are you REALLY from?"

ManorMouse
Oh, and I'm also serving a lifetime ban from The Legion of Mary

And there was some general wise man/bonesetter type with the cure who lived near a friend of mine in rural Carlow in the 90s -- you'd see a queue outside on the path that would include unwell humans, lame horses, sick cats or dogs.

A friend of mine works in health insurance. They got a call from a member who wished to know if he would be reimbursed for attending the local 'Horse Whisperer' for treatment. On being told that, no, he would not, they got a plaintive "But he's very good with people too!"

How did you manage to achieve a lifetime ban from the Legion of Mary?

My father was quite religious. Not in a very demonstrative way, but devout all the same. At first he tried to sign myself and my brother up as altar boys by getting the parish priest in on the act and dragooning us into serving at an afternoon mass. When we refused to do this ever again, he signed us up to The Legion of Mary. I don't know how my brother got out of it (Knowing him, most likely by saying "Feck off!") but I was taken to the Legion's meeting room and shoved in the door. As a complete newbie and despite my obvious lack of enthusiasm, I was given the task of delivering copies of Alive! as some sort of holy newspaper delivery boy. The regular delivery boy took this very badly and remonstrated that I'd completely fuck it up - although he used more polite terminology.

I was given a weighty bundle of newspapers, stuck them on the carrier of my bike and wobbled away on my round. Once I got up the road, I decided that this was utter shite and I wanted out. So, I stopped at a building site and flung the newwpapers into a foundation trench. Then, to cover my tracks, I set fire to them and headed home. Unbeknown to me, the regular deliver boy had followed me and witnessed my terrible crime before legging back to announce my wanton pyromania. Next week, I sauntered in the door to be met by the entire local Legion of Mary where Snitchy McSquealer recounted my setting the word of God, as interpreted by bigoted gobshites, on fire.

I was solemnly informed that I was no longer welcome in The Legion of Mary and never would be and I was now to leave them so they could pray for me. Obviously, I was heartbroken at this news as I rushed home to inform my parents that I was never to go back there ever again.

I feel a bit of a failure! I've never had a lifetime ban.

whosafraidofabigduckfart
Loving your work 😂

Manor well done for burning that bigoted rag. I don't know how they get away with publishing it!

@ManorMouse, falling around laughing at being banned from the Legion of Mary for burning 'Alive'. It was always lying around MIL's house. All I can remember is the back page with 'Letter from a master devil to a trainee' - Dumblebag or something like that?

@whosafraidofabigduckfart, hahahaha @ Padre Pio and Obi Wan Kenobi. There's a definite resemblance alright.

As a friend of mine would say 'tea should be chewy!'

My mother likes her tea 'strong enough to trot a mouse on'

Oh god flashbacks of 12 years saying the Prayer to Padre Pio every night. He was very big in our house. It was a tie between Padre Pio and Frank Patterson as to whom was most revered.

Years later I went mad looking for proof online that he was a big ol fraud but there's disappointingly little evidence.

I met a couple of John Pio's in my day at parties, too. God help them.