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Original poster

What does “work at a marriage” actually mean?

55 replies

Randomnumbers7483 · 28/02/2019 20:44

I hear people use the phrase all the time “In order to stay happy together, you can’t just sit back - you have to WORK at a marriage”..... but what does that actually entail? What does that actually mean? What specifically does it mean doing? Also surely if you are having to spend all this time trying to WORK at staying together you aren’t actually that suited and probably should have never got together?

Plus, if you live together, have DC together and both work full time, you end up just managing life - work, running DC about, laundry, look after elderly family etc your entire time is taken up just trying to juggle everything and not drop any of the balls.

When is this additional “work” we are also meant to be doing going to fit into the day? Paid work (in order to buy food/lodging etc), DC, having a hygienic house ie housework and caring for elderly relatives all have to be a much higher priority than everything else and will take up all your waking hours. So all the people with the “work at a marriage” comments when do you have the time to devote to this, whatever “it” actually is?

OP posts:
formerbabe · 28/02/2019 20:51

Compromise

Cwtches123 · 28/02/2019 20:54

To me it means working through difficult situations and not taking each other for granted. Sometimes putting the relationship ahead of individual needs.

Babysharkdododont · 28/02/2019 20:56

Throwing out a shag when you don't necessarily fancy it, and being nice to your in laws when you don't always want to.

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RedLemonade · 28/02/2019 21:00

Agree- compromise.

Also setting aside time to be with each other with no distractions. Which is lovely but IS work initially if you’re a bit knackered and have to push yourself into making a nice dinner and having a conversation when you would love to throw on PJs and watch shit on tv while also pissing about on your phoneGrin

FermatsTheorem · 28/02/2019 21:00

The question you have to ask yourself is this: who is this advice directed at?

Have you ever seen an article in Men's Health, or the Men's page of your newspaper headed "Why you have to work at your marriage"? And if you haven't (I haven't), you have to ask yourself why not?

Yes, of course marriages require compromise and sometimes doing stuff for each other when frankly you'd rather curl up on the sofa, and finding ways of arguing healthily and soldiering through the baby/toddler years when you're both sleep deprived and on a short fuse.

But that's not what these articles are getting at, realistically. What they're saying is "women, it's your job to do all the hard work, emotional labour, putting up with shit."

missyB1 · 28/02/2019 21:03

Putting the effort in. You put the effort in with your job/kids/ family/ hobbies, so why not put effort into your relationship with your partner?

itsboiledeggsagain · 28/02/2019 21:04

Kindness

AppleJuiceFlood · 28/02/2019 21:09

For us it’s meant putting down our phones in bed and having nice cuddles and just being more responsive to each other. The lazy thing to do is just fall in bad habits and stop appreciating each other.
We also try and make time to plan time of ourselves which is getting easier now the kids are older and we try to be a little more romantic and thoughtful.
We’ve been together 21 years and married for 15 this year so we both do try to keep it exciting.

Thehogfatherstolemycurry · 28/02/2019 21:11

To me its stopping juggling all the balls for a few hours and putting each other first, spending time together.
It's definitely not all on the woman in my marriage Fermats this week dh booked a day off work on my day off, took me out for lunch and we spent hours just chatting, having a laugh and cuddling. The other week he knocked on the door at lunchtime with a big bunch of flowers and some chocolate.
I do stuff for him too like sending random texts at work, cooking his favourite food, making time to give him a back massage. Boils down to putting each other first to us.

pallisers · 28/02/2019 21:14

Yes kindness. Sometimes - especially with small children - it is easier to snap at your spouse or think they are doing something just to annoy you. Mostly with a decent person, they aren't - they are just stressed like you. I found marriage with small children much easier once I presumed the best of dh all the time. I still called him out if he was being selfish or was wrong about something but for example if he said "do you think the baby needs to be changed" I would presume he meant it as a genuine question and not a way of getting me to change the baby. But then with dh I was right to think this.

I wouldn't have said it was hard work though. Just a way of reframing things. Marriage before kids was a doddle.

minipie · 28/02/2019 21:16

It’s similar to working at a friendship I guess, only more so

Ask how their day was
Remember their birthday
Listen to them don’t just talk about yourself or the to do list
Organise doing stuff together (time permitting) - go out together and have a laugh every so often
Try not to be grumpy with them just because you’re tired/had a bad day
Physical contact

user1493413286 · 28/02/2019 21:17

To me it’s getting to the point where you’re sick of that person and feel like throwing the towel in but you don’t and you remind yourself why you love them and find that connection with them again.
Also making an effort even if it’s just to listen to each other

Margot33 · 28/02/2019 21:17

It means making up when you've argued. Being the bigger person and apologising for when you've been unreasonable. Make compromises and take turns for fairness (e.g. my favourite take out this month and his next time). Supporting each other through difficult times e.g depression, refundancy, bereavement, bad health and miscarrage etc.

museumum · 28/02/2019 21:23

Being kind. Asking your spouse how they are and listening to the answer.
Spending time together.
Caring about their work goals and hobbies and projects and supporting them in them.

It sounds like hard work but it actually makes life nicer in return. It is nice to be nice.

Disfordarkchocolate · 28/02/2019 21:28

Kindness
Developing shared interests (useful for when you talk about the children too much)
Thinking of the other person in small ways such as making a favourite meal.
I don't think it should be too much hard work, pick a nice person and it's definitely easier.

SurgeHopper · 28/02/2019 21:32

Hosting the in-laws when you cba
Smile and nod a lot of the time
Grit your teeth
Pick your battles
COMPROMISE

TowelNumber42 · 28/02/2019 21:33

In my experience men talk to each other rather a lot about how to work on their marriage but they phrase it differently. They've always discussed the importance of giving the wife flowers, compliments, a foot rub, not staying out at the pub too long etc.

You work at a marriage in the same way as you work at a friendship. A bit of prioritisation, compromise, having the other person's back, being willing to inconvenience yourself for them.

Sadly, many women in bad relationships do one-sided work on the marriage. They work on it but the man does not and behaves like a right selfish cock. That's the woman being a doormatty martyr as she becomes an even more surrendered woman under the self-deluding idea of "working on" her marriage.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 28/02/2019 21:34

Not saying “stop that fucking tapping” when he is tapping his foot whilst reading AGAIN.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 28/02/2019 21:35

Oh and not saying “oh what a surprise!” when lovely but highly unreliable in-laws end up changing the plans at the last minute AGAIN.

Feelingfullandreadytoclean · 28/02/2019 21:38

We have 3 young DCs, for us working at our marriage is putting in the effort for each other.
Being there for the other one even when your knackered. Making time to just be a couple.

Not let every conversation we have be about the kids or the house.
Remember why we fell in love. It wasn't the idea of deciding with broadband provider to be with and trying to remember which one of the kids suddenly dislikes spaghetti Bolognese this week. We fell in love for other reasons.

RomanyQueen1 · 28/02/2019 21:40

compromise not getting complacent, thinking of the long term, as well as the now.
Understanding that neither of you are perfect.
Spending time together communicating, not going to bed on an argument and days of sulking.
As we say with kids, pick your battles.
Dont let molehills become mountains.
Say nice things not sarcy nasty things dressed up as banter.
Be aware of how you treat your partner and adjust your behaviour if it needs it.
And lots more.....

RandomMess · 28/02/2019 21:40

Compromise, kindness, making time for one another..,

Actually read 1 Corinthians 13 about love and it really does explain what "real" love is. Love each other like that and you'll have a good marriage but loving someone like that isn't easy therefore takes work!

Feelingfullandreadytoclean · 28/02/2019 21:41

And I know that DH puts in to our marriage as much as I do, often more than I do, and often I put in more. It's a balancing act and it's compromise. It's respect and trust. All those things need working on every now and then.

RomanyQueen1 · 28/02/2019 21:44

RandomMess

I will do my love and thank you very much Thanks

ShesABelter · 28/02/2019 21:44

To me it means spending time alone going on a day or night out or away yourself. Doing nice, considerate things for each other. Consider each other's feelings. Talk to each other about things and consider the others point of view and compromise. Work on your sex life and keep it enjoyable for both of you.