What does “work at a marriage” actually mean?

[Randomnumbers7483]

I hear people use the phrase all the time “In order to stay happy together, you can’t just sit back - you have to WORK at a marriage”..... but what does that actually entail? What does that actually mean? What specifically does it mean doing? Also surely if you are having to spend all this time trying to WORK at staying together you aren’t actually that suited and probably should have never got together?

Plus, if you live together, have DC together and both work full time, you end up just managing life - work, running DC about, laundry, look after elderly family etc your entire time is taken up just trying to juggle everything and not drop any of the balls.

When is this additional “work” we are also meant to be doing going to fit into the day? Paid work (in order to buy food/lodging etc), DC, having a hygienic house ie housework and caring for elderly relatives all have to be a much higher priority than everything else and will take up all your waking hours. So all the people with the “work at a marriage” comments when do you have the time to devote to this, whatever “it” actually is?

Spending time alone together I mean.

I agree, OP - I've often wondered about this too. Most of the things people have mentioned on this thread I would just consider to be normal, respectful behaviour, not 'working at the marriage'. My marriage never feels like work.

you have to work at bit at any relationship, friends, in laws, marriage and siblings, you can't just behave any way you like and think it will have no impact
you will have no friends if you snap at them all the time; always put them last, think their time is of no importance
all relationships between adults are 2 way and if someone is always a taker it won't last it is not always 50/50 indeed occasionally in a crisis it might be 100/0 for a while but it needs to swing back
it means sometimes doing something you don't want to do a 100% or would rather do something else, if you book dinner with 4 friends for tomorrow night at 7pm and at 6,30pm decide you will cancel as would rather watch TV ( I don't mean cancelling because you are ill or your mother died) your friends will be disappointed at best think you are flakey and be hesitant about arranging it all again, unfortunately some people think marriage is magic and you can treat partner worse than you treat your friends and your work colleagues and it should be ok
when people say marriage is work it should be like doing a job you love and satisfies you; it is still work but it is not drudgery even the best of jobs have dull and boring bits and days that don't go so well, days when you would rather stay home as you feel a bit ill but you have to go to avoid letting people down but because it is a good job with good rewards and a feeling of satisfaction it overwhelms the occasional bad bits,
but marriage should not be like a job which you drag yourself to each day to keep you and kids from starvation that leaves you depressed anxious and exhausted ( or at least this should only happen very occasionally normally due to something bad happening that you can't control)

Being kind and respectful, communicating with each other, compromise

I don’t think it feels like work. But to me it means making your partner, and your relationship a priority. I think that sometimes takes a bit of effort, in the sense that it’s easy to take them for granted, or get swept up in life’s urgent but ultimately less-important issues.
Cultivating kindness is part of it. But again, it doesn’t feel like work to me. But it’s purposeful, intentional, and mindful.

I don’t think good relationships are hard work In fact there’s a brilliant post in relationships which makes the distinction

Relationships are not supposed to be hard work, that is a big fat myth. Yes, you should work at your relationship but that is not the same thing at all

Not taking each other for granted. Maybe “work” is the wrong word but making the effort to do nice things for each other.

@Arowana, that’s it. Work is probably the wrong word.

Having tough conversations about your feelings, being vulnerable and not just letting this build up, on either side. This is hard work because sometimes youre tired or can't see the other person point of view, but you have to force yourself to talk until both of you undertsnd and are at peace.

I haven’t been very specific, so some examples:
We have little habits like having a quick cuddle when we wake up. We always hug and kiss goodbye. If I use his car I adjust the seat back to where he likes it. He puts my coat on the radiator to warm. If he asks me to do something I put it near the top of my to do list. He rings me on his way home to check if I want him to pick up anything. Whoever gets to bed first switched on the electric blanket on the other side.

None of it takes more than a few seconds here or there and it fits into the spaces and cracks between other things.

Stop that fucking tapping 😆

Or stop that bloody nimming.
Where they won't stop shakin their leg, not mine, but a friends dh she hates it, it is bloody distracting when you speak to him

Ime, it meant sucking up all the shitty stuff and playing nice, pretending that everything was absolutely fine, thank you and overlooking the unequalness of our respective efforts.

Then one morning, I woke up and thought fuck that shit and never looked back.

To me it means be aware you could break up and be single.

So don't take your partner for granted. . don't become part of the furniture...

you have to work at bit at any relationship, friends, in laws, marriage and siblings, you can't just behave any way you like and think it will have no impact

Exactly. If you're a considerate adult you'll 'work' at all your relationships, romantic or otherwise. Marriages go tits up all the time, and often it's because they 'drifted apart'.

@Arowana has a good point I think - work is the wrong word. Everything, everyone is describing here is to my mind just basic manners and politeness.

When I go into work each day I ask my colleague Clive how he is and then feign interest for five minutes when he starts waffling on about his garden or whatever he did the previous evening, all of which I have absolutely no interest in. I wouldn’t class that as “working” on my relationship with Clive though, it’s just called being polite and having manners.

So does this mean the phrase that is regularly trotted out by people that to be happy you have to “work at your marriage” - simply means be polite to your spouse?

It doesn't feel like 'work' but I suppose it is in that we prioritise our marriage as much as we can. We have a candlelit dinner every Friday and Saturday and the kids don't interrupt that because they get a lot of attention during the week and we have a family meal Sundays. I always make an effort to look nice, we talk, watch a film, make love. That time is incredibly precious to us.
I read an article recently that said too many couples prioritise children to the detriment of their marriage. I think there is something in that.
We are kind and say sorry if we haven't been entirely kind.

@Bedsidedrawer how can you fit in a candlelit meal every Fri and Sat night? How old are your DC and do you both work?

I really can’t see how people do it. Ours are teenagers and are up and around until at least 10pm. I can’t see how you can sit romantically at the kitchen table with teenagers clomping through to the fridge every 20 minutes or arguing over who has control of the tv.

Plus by the time I get home at 6pm on a Friday I’ve been out of the house for 10 hours, am knackered so just want to cook a bowl of a pasta, eat quickly before heading back out with DC to drop to football and try and get some more work done by torchlight sat in my car in the car park waiting for him.

DH gets in later than me and is equally as knackered and puts his remaining dregs of energy into loading the washing machine, ringing his Mum and getting her shopping list from her to take round the next morning and feeding himself and younger DC....

Do all these people who make the time for all these meals just have no family responsibilities or just have young children that are in bed, fast asleep by 6pm?

it means to spend time together, to communicate effectively, to love and support each other through tough times.

it can't be one sided and isn't meant to mean 'painfully slog away by yourself hoping an abusive and/or self obsessed and/or lazy person will change'

Work at a marriage is the word thatcselfush people use to describe the things that come naturally to people who are good at relationships. This includes being sensitive to each other’s needs, being reasonable and understanding, being forgiving whether the other party falls short, ensuring that you are carrying your own weight etc.

Three C's.
Compromise, communication, compassion.

You sound a bit angry about my post Randomnumbers.
My kids are 12, 10 and 5
The 5 year old goes to bed at 8pm and the older two just go and do their own thing while we eat. I'm not saying we are sitting there staring into each other's eyes and flirting the night away. But we just chat and there is a nice ambience.
The older kids usually come and have supper once we have finished and we will sometimes watch a bit of TV with them before they go to bed about 9.30ish. Then we watch a film and cuddle up. So we have that dinner and chat time alone, a brief interruption then the rest of the evening is ours.
I don't work so maybe that helps with organisation and my DH is tired but he loves to cook so he will do that while I deal with youngest. It relaxes him.
It has just become part of the family routine that mum and dad get a bit of alone time at dinner at the weekend.
Might be different when they are all teenagers but we will still find a way to make time for each other.

I think if you are both working, have clubs and looking after parents that's hard.
We don't do clubs on a Friday however I do appreciate that once they are teens they will need more lifts etc!
I do think it's okay to say no to some things, to people and adapt your routine to prioritise couple time.

I think every relationship you get in needs maintenance, even more so when you have so much invested with your partner. You give that person the power and privledge to see you at the worse and best of times especially as that changes over time. Those things that you find difficult as a relationship with always be individual and situation specific.

For me and my partner, its about communication and allowing us argue in a way that isn’t emotional but allows to solve our problem/differences. Sometimes it’s more about accepting that we came together because we had our family and then fell in love so we’re trying to play catch up.

It can feel like an extra thing to ‘do’ but I find that there’s times when it feels you really need to make the effort and others where it feels quite natural.

I read somewhere that 'marriage is not 50/50 but 100/100.' It's a bit cheesy and idealistic but absolutely should be what you are aiming towards. Rather than keeping score and being obsessed with fairness, you should be able to trust that you are both giving all you can, according to your ability. Note the 'both.'