Tell me about your colleagues

[Jenniferturkington]

So I work in an immediate team of four (me plus three).
Colleague 1: basically lovely but a feminist she is not. She dotes on ‘her boys’ and does everything for them. These are two sons in their twenties and her dh. Any suggestion that they do anything for themselves and she says ‘ooh no I couldn’t watch them struggle and I really don’t mind’.
She also comes in each morning, takes a tissue and rolls it up and then digs it up her nose for a few minutes.
I should add, she’s fab at her job and is generally nice to be around!
Colleague 2: is in her early twenties and obsessed with image. She tells me about her nails, skin, waxing etc everyday. She wants to be a beautician but has been doing the current job for a few years.
Colleague 3: totally manic. She moves around like she’s got fleas in her knickers, always fussing over something. She literally never shuts up. She is everyone’s friend and therefore knows everything about everyone. There is always a drama with her life which we are told about in great detail with full theatrical gestures!

I dread to think what they’d say about me!

Colleague 1 is so overly positive about everything that I suspect he must be hiding a dark dark secret

Colleague 2 talks about her diet ALL FUCKING DAY and yet hasn’t ever lost a lb

Colleague 3 is a very very loud chomper. Loud carrots are his favourite.

Colleague 4 talks about how Toby Carvery is his favourite restaurant

Colleague 4 is by far the most offensive

Colleague 1 eats boiled eggs like apples [vom]

Colleagues 2 and 3 obsess over Colleague 4 and why she doesn't have a boyfriend.

Colleague 5 never uses one word where she could use a paragraph.

I dread to think what they’d say about me!

They probably know that you talk about them when they're not there

I’m pretty sure that everyone talks about their colleagues!

I definitely critique the boss

Not my colleagues

Glass houses and all that

Colleague 1 - small man syndrome, king of the diva strop, sulks when he doesn't get his own way, actually didn't speak to me for 2 days this week because I dared stand up to him

Colleague 2 - lazy work shirker, goes off sick and all "woe is me" when she's asked to actually you know, do her job. Also spends her time trying to be "one of the boys"

Colleague 3 - spent 20 minutes bitching about me without realising I was standing the other side of a partition. Everything from how hard I work (god forbid anyone has a positive work ethic) to how much I get paid (I'm agency so get a higher hourly rate to compensate for not getting paid holidays/sick pay/pension etc). This is a man in his 50s.......

Colleague 4 - billy bullshitter, stock response to everything is "I've got it in hand". No, no you don't, you've done fuck all about it since you were asked 2 weeks ago.

There are others, but these are the main players. Collectively they are fucking horrific, they sit in the canteen around their "top table" bitching and taking the piss out of anyone and everything, they are the adult version of the high school "in crowd"

I hate my job and hate my colleagues - can you tell?

This is true: I work in an office with 2 others and I genuinely really like both of them. I know that I'm very lucky.

Colleague 1, in title is my boss but paid the same, lovely, has made me feel incredibly welcome. Shame I hate the job.

Colleague 2 used to work for me, I was encouraged to apply for the job knowing she’d be working for me again. She’s hilarious, very hard working and has demonstrated massively resilient recently.

Colleague 3 is like my cousin, we get on ridiculously well, I will miss her loads. 😥